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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has a vile 13 year old DS?

139 replies

Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:14

Sorry to post here - extra traffic

I suspect my DS 13 may have ADHD. We are awaiting an ed psych assessment and are also waiting to see Cahms.

He has control issues and his anxiety is masked with angry outbursts.

School are trying to support him by tweaking his timetable so he only has lessons with teachers he gets on with (he has a massive problem with authority and therefore there is a clash when teachers try to control him - he is always sent out for being disruptive). It has recently come to light he has 'a learning difficulty' - will get more details when I meet with school soon.

He is aggressive and smashes things up in the house and has been violent towards me and DH, on occasion we called the police and he wasn't phased at all when getting a 'telling off'- maybe next time we should press charges so he can spend the night in the cells- although I feel torn as he is only 13 and I really don't want him to have anything on record which may impact his future.

He has just thrown my clothes airers across the room because he couldn't find his jacket quick enough as he wants to go out.

He doesn't respond to 'normal' discipline methods such as taking his stuff away and grounding him. He can't seem to grasp consequences despite continually re-inforcing boundaries.

Don't really want to go down the route of medication.

I don't react to him in when he's in a rage and I do try and talk to him when he's calm but he just doesn't want anything to do with me, just tells me to 'go away'.

Anyone relate to this? Really interested to hear from any one who may have experience? Really want to help him but don't know how he's only 13 :(

Many thanks
Marie

OP posts:
Penguinsnpandas · 15/09/2018 18:55

Our area it was a Child Development Centre doing the assessment, I might be wrong but think they said they were completely seperate from CAHMS and different waiting lists. Our area was few months for ADHD but 2 years for ASD, son was at primary and tbh we gave up as school could access same support without it and he wasn't bad enough for EHCP.

A diagnosis would help get tailored support and also think dyslexia might entitle him to extra time in exam plus if he could then read better it could improve prospects in all his subjects.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:56

VerWrong

Not the most helpful comment, but yes I did post yesterday about having found out he has a learning disability. I then got it removed as it was not productive for anyone

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:57

Thanks Penguins, that's very helpful to know :)

OP posts:
VerWrongIca · 15/09/2018 19:00

It’s not been removed.

If you continue to keep blaming the school for your failings as a parent then ....

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:02

THanks llmb

I know the smoking weed bit concerns me greatly. I also know it it can also know it can make him aggressive and paranoid. Other than giving him NO money whatsoever, I am not sure what I can do.

I haven't caught him with any other smoking stuff so hopefully it was a one off. I always check his eyes are not glassy when he gets home and so far so good.

OP posts:
Penguinsnpandas · 15/09/2018 19:02

This says how to get a dyslexia assessment:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/dyslexia/diagnosis/

If he's been excluded school are supposed to have a back to school meeting to discuss how they can support him so you can push for this at that meeting or via SENCO. LEA also have an inclusions/exclusions? team which aim to keep children in school who should be able to advise what help is available at school if you phone them.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:02

VerWrong

OK maybe stop posting now as you clearly just want an argument

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 15/09/2018 19:03

having found out he has a learning disability

A low reading age is not a learning disability. It may be indicative of one, but in itself it is not a disability.

Some people just aren't very bright and will always have low reading ages. They are not disabled. We (and you) do not have enough information to know which category he falls into.

whereiscaroline · 15/09/2018 19:03

My son has also climbed out of a window, and run away, after being punished, they really do sound similar. In terms of reasons to push for a formal dx. Diagnosis will help get him extra support. It will let you know what you're dealing with so you can put appropriate strategies in place. It will possibly give you a way of understanding life from his perspective, rather than just seeing him as vile (I'm not saying his behaviour isn't vile, btw). Empathy has gone a long way with my son, and it's become a positive cycle. Active listening as recommended by the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen has also really helped. A diagnosis would help your son to understand himself a bit better and perhaps understand why he feels different to others, improving his self esteem. It would also open the door to medication, if relevant, and possibly psychology sessions via private healthcare, if your son would engage with that.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:03

THanks again penguins you are a lovely helpful person :) :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:04

Thanks where is caroline that's very helpful

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 19:04

You’ve missed the part about unresolved grief having a major impact on him OP. Around the same time his reading level stopped progressing.

Either you’re at it, or you’re continually tweaking details to get the answers you want.

Having read all your threads I feel desperately sad for your son. He needs you, please be there for him.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:05

school used the words 'learning disability' and so did the mental health nurse he saw on Thursday. I think he is very bright

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/09/2018 19:06

Check his eyes? I wouldn’t be giving him money.
Daft idea. The teachers who do get on with him and manage his behaviour well? Could they run a session for other staff on what strategies help and how best to plan for good behaviour. TBH I think there are few people who wouldn’t struggle if they felt they were being labelled as the naughty one. And it does happen.

whereiscaroline · 15/09/2018 19:06

Good luck, it is really hard. Thanks

I echo what a PP says though. He may be 13, but he's still a child and his needs his mum. Just be there for him as much as you can, and fight for the best "scaffolding" you can put in place for him.

Wolfiefan · 15/09/2018 19:07

Someone (I think on the other thread) mentioned PDA. I wouldn’t try and diagnose but you might find some of the strategies useful.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:08

Ye Talk shite

I also feel desperately sorry for him, hence why I am posting for help on strategies to help deal with him.

Not sure what you mean about tweaking things - separate threads have separate bits of information depending on the nature of the thread. Everything I have written is true and not sure what you mean about getting the answers I want either.

Anyway I'm sure you mean well

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 15/09/2018 19:09

When did he get excluded?

This has not been mentioned before ...

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:10

Yes Wolfie, I also have thought about PDA, I also bought the book the explosive child, but although it made a lot of sense, of course strategies rely on effective communication which is not what I have with him at the moment.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 19:10

Actually I don’t, I think you’re abusing the kindness of MNetters and have no intention of helping your child.

You pick and choose what to include, based on previous responses. Your other thread hasn’t been deleted it’s still going.

Lots of people have given genuine, good advice based on personal experience and for whatever reason you’re not taking it on board.

It’s not fair on the MNetters who don’t realise it, and it most certainly isn’t fair on your son.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:11

bombardier

he got excluded friday as he was accused of putting chalk on another child's blazer

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:11

yesterday - I forgot it was only saturday!

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:12

YeYalk Shite

No I'm afraid you are wrong, we will have to agree to disagree

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 19:13

Fair enough.

Crusoe · 15/09/2018 19:13

I have an 11 year old with ADHD who sounds a bit similar but not as extreme. Sounds like you should pursue finding out if he really does have ADHD (privately if necessary) and if he does why wouldn’t you medicate. If medication can help why on earth wouldn’t you be in support of it. If he had asthma or diabetes you wouldn’t deny him medication for that.
You can then look at helping him further with an EHCP.
At home pick your battles very carefully, lots of empathy, lots of fun and lots of praise.