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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has a vile 13 year old DS?

139 replies

Marie0 · 15/09/2018 18:14

Sorry to post here - extra traffic

I suspect my DS 13 may have ADHD. We are awaiting an ed psych assessment and are also waiting to see Cahms.

He has control issues and his anxiety is masked with angry outbursts.

School are trying to support him by tweaking his timetable so he only has lessons with teachers he gets on with (he has a massive problem with authority and therefore there is a clash when teachers try to control him - he is always sent out for being disruptive). It has recently come to light he has 'a learning difficulty' - will get more details when I meet with school soon.

He is aggressive and smashes things up in the house and has been violent towards me and DH, on occasion we called the police and he wasn't phased at all when getting a 'telling off'- maybe next time we should press charges so he can spend the night in the cells- although I feel torn as he is only 13 and I really don't want him to have anything on record which may impact his future.

He has just thrown my clothes airers across the room because he couldn't find his jacket quick enough as he wants to go out.

He doesn't respond to 'normal' discipline methods such as taking his stuff away and grounding him. He can't seem to grasp consequences despite continually re-inforcing boundaries.

Don't really want to go down the route of medication.

I don't react to him in when he's in a rage and I do try and talk to him when he's calm but he just doesn't want anything to do with me, just tells me to 'go away'.

Anyone relate to this? Really interested to hear from any one who may have experience? Really want to help him but don't know how he's only 13 :(

Many thanks
Marie

OP posts:
planetclom · 15/09/2018 19:13

Ah now with the extra info I am going to say it as I thought this when I read you post yesterday and it may not be what you want o here but he sounds exactly like one of my sons who is the same age and he has autism and adhd.
I think your son sounds autistic as well. It is incredibly common for secondary school to start issues which previously the child managed to keep a lid on in the smaller and more predictable environment of primary school.
If he is only attending certain classes the school are not meeting his needs so to you need to start the EHCP process. It is a myth you need a diagnosis to get an EHCP as it is a needs based document.
On medication asked yourself if you would not give him medication if he had epilepsy or was in pain and if you would''t then approach a possible diagnosis of ADHD thinking like it is a issue which causes him distress and pain. Both my sons thanked me as for the first time ever they could think about 1 thing.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:19

crusoe and planet

thank you for your helpful posts

I'm just do exhausted sometimes it's difficult to see the wood for the trees! Good to know there's support out there

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 15/09/2018 19:19

You bought and read the book that was only recommended to you an hour ago.

You failed to mention until now that your son has been suspended, despite a lengthy thread about his behaviour at school yesterday.

A low reading ability has now become a learning disability and confirmed by a medical professional.

I'm sorry, I really think you need some help.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:24

YeTalk - I really do want to help him and I do value the comments of other Mnetters I would never abuse anybody's kindness - If I didn't want to really help my child, I wouldn't be buying books and going to meetings at school and to the mental health service and taking him to therapy.

The other threads thing - I am sorry I am just not that savvy and know how to put the information together - honest! :) Don't even know how to change my username - that would have been the simplest option of I wanted to fox anyone

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:25

bombard

No someone recommended the book a month ago on the weed thread which I ordered straight away and read

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:26

Bombard

I didn;t know he was excluded until afterwards - my DH picked him up lunch time to attend a mental health appointment. I found out after I wrote the thread

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Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:27

bombard - why are you so mean? There are explanations for everything you've just said. You could have asked in a polite way?

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lovelycuppateas · 15/09/2018 19:34

So I HAD a pretty vile 12-13 year old ds who is now a completely lovely, thoughtful almost 17 year old who is still at school, has a weekend job and has done well in his exams so far. So it can and does get better.

Advice? This is what worked for us.

  1. Rules need to be followed absolutely to the letter. Don't get emotional about it, just state and restate and have clear consequences for actions that don't change. Keep on going. You and your dh will need to support each other here because it's hard. I grounded my son for WEEKS. I went to get him from school to make sure he came straight home. I stopped him going on an important trip with the school. You have all the power here, don't let your ds think otherwise. Much later, my ds acknowledged how useful it was to be grounded as it allowed him to extricate himself from a bad social scene.

  2. Whatever your doubts about the way the school is handling this, keep it to yourself. Back them up to the hilt in front of your son. It's not in his interests to feel the sources of authority in his life disagree with each other.

  3. If your son does have ADHD or similar, he still needs firm boundaries - whatever the diagnosis, it can't be the excuse for his behaviour.

Flowers Good luck!

VerWrongIca · 15/09/2018 19:35

school used the words 'learning disability' and so did the mental health nurse he saw on Thursday. I think he is very bright

What makes you think he’s bright? You clearly wouldn’t know as you’ve never been involved in helping your child with school .... if you were you’d have picked up that he has the reading age of an 8 year old.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 19:35

Also, “learning disability” doesn’t equate to not being bright, it relates to the way information is taken in.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:37

thank you lovely cups

I realise it is important to keep re-inforcing the rules but it is so hard when you see no improvement!

So glad you have a lovely young man now - gives me hope - never felt this desperate!

Really appreciate you posting :)

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Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:38

yes exactly - learning ability does relate to how information is ingested. I made a comment about him being bright because VerWrong suggested that may be he wasn't and I believe he is

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SouthWestmom · 15/09/2018 19:41

Yes my 13 year old is developing a hideous attitude and my 16 year old is utterly vile.

Tonight has kicked off because he told me to wait five minutes while he made a shake before using the kitchen (to cook HIS dinner) and I said no move the blender across to the other unit.

I am apparently ''brain dead, the cause of all the family issues, I wat h films and change my personality and he's not scared of me - it's pretty funny really what a loser I am. ''

I honestly wish I'd never had children. Parenting is not what I expected or hoped for.

TheBigFatMermaid · 15/09/2018 19:45

I have a 13 year old DD who I suspect has ADHD. She can be vile, but mostly her outbursts involve her crying and yelling.

She no longer goes to school as she has been bullied horrifically and I had to pull her out. She in no way deserved the level of bullying she got, but any discussions about how maybe her behaviour lead to the people doing it disliking her results in her accusing me of 'victim blaming' (where the hell did she get that from, she does not read MN?)

I just want to say, I have parented 4 other children the same way I do her and, well, there are different results for different children!

Ledkr · 15/09/2018 19:50

Look up NVR it's sounds perfect for your family. The weed smoking of course won't be helping matters but it's hard to put a stop to that these days as it's so prevalent.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:52

Noeuf - ahh bless you - I feel your pain, my MIL keeps telling me it gets easier - still waiting for that to happen lol

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Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 19:57

TheBigFatMermaid - That sounds really difficult situation - very true - you parent your kids the same but you never really know how they will turn out! My youngest is an absolute dream boat (although he has ASD his issues are manageable), he always tells me he loves me and wants a cuddle so it seems to all be worth it then!

Ledk thank you I have no idea what NVR is I will investigate. The therapist and youth worker said exactly the same thing about the weed - so prevalent unfortunately, very difficult to monitor / police it

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Twotailed · 15/09/2018 20:03

Why don’t you want him to have medication? If he had cancer you would give him medicine. It shouldn’t be different just because he has a mental health condition instead of a physical one.

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 20:13

Twotailed - I don't really know why I don't want him to have medication - it's probably because I don't really know that much about it and I worry about long term effect, but if things don't improve and the GP or other medical professionals suggest it may be for the best then I will try it.

I think in my mind it feels like the last resort to medicate him? Probably just want to handle him another way if at all possible

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Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 20:15

But I think with cancer, medication would possibly be the only option? Just want to try and get him to talk as I believe to quote BT 'It's good to talk' :)

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/09/2018 20:17

Marie0 you were still posting at 18.47 yesterday, by which time, presumably, the MH appointment would have been over and your DH home

Since at that time you were keen to blame school in saying "I don't think I am at fault. I'm not his teacher", wouldn't that have been an obvious time to mention the suspension?

Original poster
Marie0 · 15/09/2018 20:25

Puzzled - it was a manic day yesterday - I didn't get to chat to my DH until later - I probably did know by 18:47, I don't know what time I started the post but I honestly didn't know when I posted initially.

DH collected DS at lunch time as he had an appointment with the local mental health people at the hospital and they didn;t get back till later after end of school day.

I was upset about the learning difficulty thing and despite what I said I don't blame the school - well not entirely, I think I just wanted to understand what was going on with him.

It just seems to be one thing after another - I think I was surprised that it hadn't been flagged earlier. I remember having a meeting with the school a year ago and them saying he possibly had some learning difficulty (I think they were implying dyslexia) and nothing had been done.

I guess I should have chased this up, I also work full time and I think I a bit all over the place at the moment. No I don't blame the school - I was just upset and struggling with my to do list :)

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continuallychargingmyphone · 15/09/2018 20:26

I’ve no idea about other threads op because I just answer the one that’s been posted.

I have no idea why wolfie and yetalkshite are jumping down your throat Hmm

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

continuallychargingmyphone · 15/09/2018 20:30

I haven’t yetalk, correct. As I’m sure you know you need to report to MN if you believe the poster might not be what they claim.

However you might be interested to know I’ve reported you in the past for being needlessly aggressive, unpleasant and to be honest downright unpleasant.

I don’t follow you around threads informing you of this fact. Presumably MN did not agree as after all you are still here. The point is that you can report and ignore, like we are told to Hmm