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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to lend her the money?

129 replies

PixieBob28 · 15/09/2018 13:27

First off thanks for reading. I can't discuss this with anyone else, especially not my husband as he will automatically say no and isn't a very understanding soul.

A bit of background, my husband and I both work but I am currently on maternity leave with our first baby. We just get by every month, we don't have any debt, we have a small amount of savings. We do struggle and don't have much of a social life but we are ok, our little one has everything he needs so that's the main thing. We are just very careful with money.

Now my parents aren't that great with money. I don't know how and I don't know why but they are in a lot of debt. Like eye-watering amount. I'm very open minded about the fact that shit happens in life and sometimes people do get themselves into unwanted situations.

So my mum has to leave her current flat as soon as possible, they can't pay the rent because my dad has just lost his job. It's so bad that they are contemplating splitting up. However there is a friend of a friend that will let them rent their room annex house if they can get £250 for rent for the time being until they get themselves back on their feet. If that's the case they can move in next week.

But of course they have NO money. Nothing. Not even possessions they can sell. They can't get a loan, can't borrow from any other family as my grandparents have lent to them before and now they refuse to. Problem is this isn't the first time they have been in a situation like this but this time there isn't anywhere to get this money.

So do I lend her the £250? I wouldn't tell my husband but I have some birthday money and money I have saved for Christmas that I can give them. I would make it clear they need to pay me back but it probably won't be for another couple of months. Its a bit rubbish because selfishly I want to get my hair done for my birthday and buy a few bits that I wouldn't be able to (I never ever treat myself and get my hair done once a year) if I leant it to her.

Luckily my dad has been offered another job and will start next month so no money will be coming in before then. Just so happy he has managed to find another job so soon though.

I often lend them money like £20-£50 and they always pay it back but my husband hates it. I too gave them £50 recently to keep as my mum has been wonderful helping me look after my baby as I haven't been very well and it's cost her loads in petrol to and from the hospital. My husband and I got into a bit of an argument about this though saying I shouldn't be giving my money away and we could have spent it on us or our baby.

His family are lucky to be financially stable, they always pay for things on days out and often buy our son things he may need without us even asking. They never take money we offer them and to my husband this is the norm.

To me family is everything. And money is just money but because my husband and his family have never got themselves into anything like this and are very by the book he doesn't understand and just sees my parents as a liability and irresponsible.

Of course I love my parents, they are great to us and the emotional support I get from them is worth more than anything.

So what would you do? Not offer the money, keep your husband happy, and treat yourself for your birthday or offer them the money, go without for a few months but know your parents have a roof over their heads?

Help please Sad

OP posts:
Losingthewill1 · 15/09/2018 13:31

Nope , don’t do it.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 15/09/2018 13:33

How would you feel if you found out that your DH lent money secretly?

Is it actually going to make any positive difference? If you dig them out of this hole, there will soon be another one!

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 15/09/2018 13:33

I think you answered your own question there, but know your parents have a roof over their heads
They sound like decent people, you love them and have always payed you back. Your dad has another job so money is coming.

FoxFoxSierra · 15/09/2018 13:34

I would lend them the money, others will probably disagree with me though. What will happen if you don't? Would your DH be ok with seeing them homeless knowing you have savings that would have prevented that happening? Long term what are they going to do about their debts? If they have nothing would they consider bankruptcy?

Livinglavidal0ca · 15/09/2018 13:35

Don't do it.

Original poster
PixieBob28 · 15/09/2018 13:36

@lemonsorbetinthesun

Personally I feel he would never have to do it secretly. If this parents were in the same situation I would treat them the same as my own parents because they are my family too. I understand what you're saying though.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/09/2018 13:36

What a mess. I don't know OP. I understand you wanting to help them - I've been in a similar situation with a member of my family that is regularly in a mess with their finances and have had to bail them out.

But where will it end? Will they be asking you again for money soon? Then what?

Petitprince · 15/09/2018 13:36

Yes I would. They would do it for you.

EK36 · 15/09/2018 13:37

If you can spare the money and it means they have somewhere to live. Your mum has been good to you regarding the baby. I think I would lend them the money.

Feefeetrixabelle · 15/09/2018 13:38

I would do it but not behind your husbands back.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 15/09/2018 13:38

You make a strong case for doing it, but as an outsider, I don’t have the emotional connection (aka guilt) you do.

Don’t do it. It will happen again. And again. And again. And then they won’t pay it back and either you and your husband will fight or you and them will fight.

You money belong sto your family now, and you certainly shouldn’t be lying to your husband. How would you feel if he did the same to you?

Tell them you can’t afford it either. Truthfully from what you have said above - you can’t. You need this money for your family for Christmas (as I don’t think you will be paid back).

FaithInfinity · 15/09/2018 13:38

Paying you back £20 is very different to paying back £250! I strongly suspect they will never be able to pay you back that amount. Their debts will only escalate. Also how long will it last in the new place before they need help again? Unless they take responsibility for their debt and behaviours that led to it you will inevitably end up bailing them out again.

Why are they in debt? Excessive spending? Bad choices with loans? What have they done to try to manage their debt? Can they talk to a charity about debt management? Christians against poverty are great.

brokenharbour · 15/09/2018 13:38

It's your money that you've put aside to treat yourself. You can spend it how you like I think. I wouldn't tell your partner if you don't want to and it wasn't money you were planning to use for family stuff and It's not a huge amount of money anyway.

Singlenotsingle · 15/09/2018 13:38

Reluctantly, I'd say yes on condition they pay it back asap. . Where will they go otherwise? You can't have dp's living on the street.

DonnaDarko · 15/09/2018 13:39

I would do it, but it would be the last time.

OnASwissRoll · 15/09/2018 13:39

I would. But I'd make it very clear it is a one-off to get them re-housed, because you yourself are hardly flush. And, maybe draw up a contract and agree an affordable repayment plan. It sounds overly formal when lending to family, but it really is the sensible thing to do so they understand you expect it back.

MaudebeGonne · 15/09/2018 13:41

I would, but I would tell my husband. It is your money not out of the family budget, so it isn't going to cost home anything.

However, be prepared that you won't get it back. Maybe arrange a payment plan with them and see if they will consider debt counselling.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 15/09/2018 13:42

Although....I knew of one friend who had a revolving pot of 500. She would lend out various amounts of it to family members who asked, and wait for it to come back in. If it did, she could re-lend to another family member, if not, she would say “I can’t, John still owes me 300, I need to waitrose hat back”. In the meantime she had her own savings and budget all separate. This 500 was just ringfenced as an amount that she was willing to always hav on loan, or ultimately lose entirely in order to keep good relations with her family.

A novel approach, but it worked for her.

ichifanny · 15/09/2018 13:42

I’d do it , if it gets hem out of a sticky situation and hey would pay you back it’s £250 and not worth feeling shit about if you don’t do it . I know lots of people will say no don’t do it but ultimately you need to do what makes you feel best . I’d make sure they know that that’s the last you can help . I wouldn’t pay every month .

mouthkisses · 15/09/2018 13:42

I would give them the money. I would tell my husband I was doing it.

Original poster
PixieBob28 · 15/09/2018 13:43

@foxfoxsierra

Thanks for your reply. If I don't I think that they will split as my grandparents don't like my dad as they blame him for all the debt problems and my mum will have to live in their spare room.

Not sure how my husband would feel, they nearly got chucked out last year also and wanted to live on our sofas for a bit but my husband said no as baby was on the way. Luckily they managed to get money from selling a car that time so could pay the rent so stayed in their house.

This is only a short term thing I know. No idea what they are going to do long term. Like lots of people they feel like they have to constantly run from it, I can't see them ever getting out of it personally. I know I can't fix the situation but just feel guilty not helping if there is something I can do.

OP posts:
lemonsorbetinthesun · 15/09/2018 13:43

If your husband finds out it's going to cause an argument. Now I understand that there's so many more important things than money, but you could be bailing them out forever.

Having said that, my parents aren't great with money so I'd probably do it.

I think I'd be tempted to lend on the proviso that they make some positive change to ensure that it doesn't keep happening. Like step change etc

Also get them to look into credit unions, for future borrowing & saving needs.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 13:44

I’d never do it if it meant lying to DP.

SIL is a nightmare with money, we’ve “lent” given over £2k in recent years, always in a dire emergency (no leccy, no food, losing the house). I realised recently that actually I’ve been enabling her to be irresponsible with money by always bailing her out.

Last week put the tin lid on it when she called and asked for £1k to keep the house. A firm no was not received well!

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2018 13:44

I think You need to do this only in agreement with your husband. Not secretly.

However as an outsider I'd say this is lifelong behaviour from your parents, it will never change. They are irresponsible and it's not your job as the child to keep financially supporting them.

Personally I think they should declare themselves homeless and seek temp accommodation from the council. When your father is back on his feet, then they can rent the annexe.

Does your mother work? And if not, why not?

donquixotedelamancha · 15/09/2018 13:45
  1. You aren't lending, you are giving. You will never see it again.
  1. Your child comes first. Only give it if you really can afford to loose it.
  1. It is your money and your decision, but you should be truthful with your husband and at least listen to him. If you don't respect him enough for that you have bigger problems.
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