AIBU to lend her the money?

[PixieBob28]

First off thanks for reading. I can't discuss this with anyone else, especially not my husband as he will automatically say no and isn't a very understanding soul.

A bit of background, my husband and I both work but I am currently on maternity leave with our first baby. We just get by every month, we don't have any debt, we have a small amount of savings. We do struggle and don't have much of a social life but we are ok, our little one has everything he needs so that's the main thing. We are just very careful with money.

Now my parents aren't that great with money. I don't know how and I don't know why but they are in a lot of debt. Like eye-watering amount. I'm very open minded about the fact that shit happens in life and sometimes people do get themselves into unwanted situations.

So my mum has to leave her current flat as soon as possible, they can't pay the rent because my dad has just lost his job. It's so bad that they are contemplating splitting up. However there is a friend of a friend that will let them rent their room annex house if they can get £250 for rent for the time being until they get themselves back on their feet. If that's the case they can move in next week.

But of course they have NO money. Nothing. Not even possessions they can sell. They can't get a loan, can't borrow from any other family as my grandparents have lent to them before and now they refuse to. Problem is this isn't the first time they have been in a situation like this but this time there isn't anywhere to get this money.

So do I lend her the £250? I wouldn't tell my husband but I have some birthday money and money I have saved for Christmas that I can give them. I would make it clear they need to pay me back but it probably won't be for another couple of months. Its a bit rubbish because selfishly I want to get my hair done for my birthday and buy a few bits that I wouldn't be able to (I never ever treat myself and get my hair done once a year) if I leant it to her.

Luckily my dad has been offered another job and will start next month so no money will be coming in before then. Just so happy he has managed to find another job so soon though.

I often lend them money like £20-£50 and they always pay it back but my husband hates it. I too gave them £50 recently to keep as my mum has been wonderful helping me look after my baby as I haven't been very well and it's cost her loads in petrol to and from the hospital. My husband and I got into a bit of an argument about this though saying I shouldn't be giving my money away and we could have spent it on us or our baby.

His family are lucky to be financially stable, they always pay for things on days out and often buy our son things he may need without us even asking. They never take money we offer them and to my husband this is the norm.

To me family is everything. And money is just money but because my husband and his family have never got themselves into anything like this and are very by the book he doesn't understand and just sees my parents as a liability and irresponsible.

Of course I love my parents, they are great to us and the emotional support I get from them is worth more than anything.

So what would you do? Not offer the money, keep your husband happy, and treat yourself for your birthday or offer them the money, go without for a few months but know your parents have a roof over their heads?

Help please

I would lend it to them but I wouldn't lie to my husband. I see all money as family money and would lose trust in my husband if he lent someone that much without telling me.

The £250 gets them accommodation. You won’t get it back (tbh not sure how you’d even expect it back- you’ll be crippling them trying to get them to find a spare £250 when they start earning again)

But the £250 isnt going to get pissed away. It’s to secure accommodation. The OP knows exactly where it’s going. It’s keeping her parents off the streets

I appreciate the emotive sense of abandoning your own parents for the sake of a couple of hundred pounds. But that really isn’t going to help the ops parents. They are in masses of debt. They have spunked money on pay day deals and loans and wrung out every other relatives patience.

Even their own parents aren’t going to help them any more.

The op lending (or giving) them £250 is like handing a solitary wet wipe to a parent facing a toddler poonami. It won’t clear it up. (Gonna leave that analogy there before I get too into it)

This isn’t the first time they’ve needed serious help. They were about to be kicked out when the op was pregnant (so fairly recent) and thought they could come and crash at the ops.

If you want to help your parents the best thing to do is point them towards cab, step change and debt consolidation advice. It is the only way to help them out of this spiral.

Otherwise I’d put bets on the op being asked for more money before too long.

I don’t understand marriages where there’s secrets like this

Usually I would say don’t lend the money. However, in this case, it would help,your parents and keep a roof over their head.

However, I don’t think they will repay you, so pay it if you can afford,to loose it.

Also, make,it clear there are no,further payments afterwards. You can’t be a cash cow for them.

If they are genuinely going to be homeless without this,flat, can the council help,in re-housing them?.

Is the £250 a one-off payment for rent or is it per month?

I am guessing the friend thinks this arrangement will be very short term but going by your parents history this is unlikely to be the case, what happens then? Friend becomes fed up and asks them to leave and they are back where they started. Unless and until they can tackle the root cause of their debt problems nothing will change and you will end up forever being guilt tripped into helping them out.

You are not doing them any favours in the long term by allowing this situation to continue with them lurching from one disaster to the next because they are unwilling to face their problems and deal with them. There are excellent advice and debt management agencies out there and they do not charge for their services, StepChange have very good reviews, they all provide non judgemental help. If you do end up lending them this money make it contingent upon them accessing one of these charities and finally sorting themselves out. It will be better for their mental and physical health in the long term if they do.

You can't lie to your husband about this, you need a full and honest discussion with him. You are in an awful and very hard position don't make it worse by lying to your husband or hiding things from him.

I haven't read the whole thread but, it's your birthday money, it's for you to spend how you wish. If it's birthday money it's nothing to do with your husband as it's not joint money.

I'd 'loan' them the £250. This is a safety net for your disabled mum.

At least you know they are poor at money management. It won't be a shock if they can't repay you.

I'm always told by someone close to me, a loan to friend or family is never a loan. It must always be a gift as the fallout if it's not repaid can be devastating.

Don't loan any amount you can't afford to lose.

Do it but only with your DH consent. Accept that the money may not come back. You have to stipulate that this is the final loan or else you risk your parents dragging your family into a distressed financial state. If your DH won't agree, then you can't.

Of course do it. They are your parents. They spent way more on you when you were growing up. I am surprised you wouldn't stand up to your DP on this matter.

No, I wouldn't give it to them. Better to let them become homeless and be rehoused by the Council, imo.

If you did give them £250, that might become their new normal for borrowing from you ...

I'd give them the money to file for bankruptcy, which is more than the £250. On the condition that they got the ball rolling with it and I'd go with them.
This would help them more than just giving them £250 for a room. In the meantime Mum could go to her parents and Dad could homed by the council in temp or sleep at a shelter.

It's your money, so your H doesn't have to give you permission. Also, people who have always been comfortably off are a bit too quick to judge others as 'irresponsible' when they find themselves in debt or povert. This sort of thing can snowball fast, and it is a lot more common than it was even 10 years ago because wages are static and housing costs are soaring - which is wholly down to government economic policy.

So if you can spare the money and want to do it, give it to them. There will come a time when you don't have it to spare, but you can tell them that's imminent, that this is the last time, and that they must get onto a debt service.

But it's not your H's money on this occasion, so it's not up to him. And the fact that he resented you giving your mum some petrol money when she had been doing you a favour suggests he needs reminding, sharply, that he is not your boss and not entitled to obedience from you.

If your mum is disabled and they are about to be homeless through inability to pay the rent, she needs to go to the council and ask for help. Perhaps this will move them up the list you say she's on.

I wouldn't give them the £250 under the circumstances you have described. It wouldn't be a loan; it's too much; they won't be able to pay it back.

It will just happen again.

Perhaps spitting up temporarily would be the best thing if the council won't help ... she can stay at her parents why he sorts himself out.

I’d let one of the creditors pay for the bankruptcy although agree it may be a good option for them

Homeless? No. You said your mum was planning to leave him and live at her mum's. You are trying to stop your mother from leaving your loser father aren't you?

I'm not surprised she wants to leave him. I bet he promised he would definitely keep his job and pay the rent this time, unlike last time when they got evicted. Yet, here they are again just a few months later, he's lost his job again and they are being evicted again. Don't pressure the poor woman into staying with him. Paying her to stay is even worse.

Why don't you get your mum to start a thread here on the relationships board?

I would do it... they are your parents!

If your parents have supported you emotionally through life, and you love them, if you can afford for it to never be repaid, then lend it to them. I think the point is that you can't really afford this without it impacting on your life negatively. Those are what you have to weigh up. Personally I never lend money to anybody because they rarely pay it back and it can get between relationships, iyswim. Perhaps they need to be advised to claim housing benefit. They cannot be removed/evicted from their current property without a possession order and then an warrant of eviction. That procedure takes at least 3 months. They also then have an opportunity to appeal against a possession order which can take extra time as well. If your father has a job in a month's time, that is information a judge needs to know, and will stay the eviction warrant, if already granted. You would be a lot better off advising them to take advice from the local authority about homelessness and applying to court for a stay of the warrant pending an application for housing benefit and on the basis your father is due to start employment. Then its just a case of paying off the arrears which CAB, Stepchange or Christians against Poverty, or Shelter will help to negotiate for them.

No they haven't asked, my mum has just brought it up in conversation. She did mention about asking my nan to lend it but said she probably wouldn't and they may lose the opportunity to rent this annex again.

Hinty McHintFace, eh? So you offer to lend them £250, they spend it on something else, what then?

But the £250 isnt going to get pissed away. It’s to secure accommodation. The OP knows exactly where it’s going. It’s keeping her parents off the streets

That's a problem though - the OP doesn't know that. The rest of the family wont lend them money, so however lovely her parents are in other ways they must really not be responsible about money, maybe they borrow and don't repay, or maybe when they borrow money they don't spend it the way they say they would.

Don't loan any amount you can't afford to lose.

That for sure. And don't lie to your husband. Yes it's your money to spend as you choose but you shouldn't have to lie about how you are choosing to spend a large chunk of your money.

This is a safety net for your disabled mum.

Is it? The safety net is that she can live with her own parents.

But littlemissmarker that’s so easily solved- the OP just pays the annex owner directly. It’s not difficult at all

@glintandglide I’d let one of the creditors pay for the bankruptcy although agree it may be a good option for them

Creditors aren't stupid and in over 10 years of legal advice including possession proceedings and bankruptcies, I have never come across a creditor applying for a bankruptcy order in these type of cases. The parents would be much better off stopping paying non priority creditors and concentrating on paying their rent and council tax.

I think realistically they need to look at debt manageemnt of some sort - even maybe bankruptcy so they can re-evaluate where they are and get themselves sorted out for when they reitre. this 250 I would consider lending if they went to cit advice and sorted out a plan to manage it all AND possibly also went to GP to look at help maybe regarding why they are in so much debt (is it a mental health issue or something related to that that makes them spend etc)

But I also couldn't see them go homeless for the sake of 250 I could scrape together or had in savings.

I would respeak to your not so DH and I would also say that you can't see them without a bed to sleep in so you want to loan them the money with those provisos. Maybe talk about giving them money for christmas and birthdays and or that being part of the money for them. I would use some of your birthday money and ask DH to sub the rest from joint income - get your hair done.

Money is just money at the end of the day and I find your DHs attitude interesting when he receives so much from his parents - what a taker

I agree they aren’t likely to make them bankrupt for small amounts but that also means there’s no reason to pay, to be fair. Of course the rent and council tax have immediate consequences. I just meant going bankrupt is a pretty good idea but making yourself bankrupt is really quite pricey and would pay for a few months rent

I think it would be really foolish to give your parents the money, based on what you have told us.
It’s a quick fix, which is doing nothing to solve the bigger problem. The £250 will be gone in a flash and then they’ll need more money.
It’s lovely that you want to help, but I just don’t think you would be by giving them money. Can you help in another way? Some organisations offer free financial planning advice - if your parents are paying ridiculous interest rates on loans, they may be able to restructure them. It sounds like your parents need financial advice, not cash handouts (teach a man to fish rather than giving him fish...)

Am bit torn about this. My first reaction was to say of course lend them the money. But it is just throwing one bucket of water on a raging fire and be likely to evaporate before really making an impact. Your parents are so busy treading water and I mean this without judgement, they have never actually looked at a permanent debt management solution. Unless they address that and actually act to make their debts more manageable, whether that is in the form of bankruptcy or some voluntary agreement with debtors, they will continue to live just one step away from homelessness and disaster. By lending money, you are prolonging the constant near crash and perpetuating their struggles. This really isn’t good for their long-term health and their relationship. It is hard to watch them struggle but if they actually faced up to their situation and went bankrupt, they would actually have a chance to start fresh and without this never-ending spiral of debt. They would be entitled to set a proper and realistic budget for their needs that is actually quite ‘generous’ because it acknowledges all their personal needs and only pay what they can really afford to creditors. Ironically, they probably would be much better off than they are currently After about a year, they would be discharged. But they have to be the adults here and actually take that step. I would only lend the money if they actually agreed to take proper action and tackle their financial mess.

But littlemissmarker that’s so easily solved- the OP just pays the annex owner directly. It’s not difficult at all

Sure, it's not difficult if that is really her mother's intention. Only something about what the OP said just made me wonder. Something to do with how vague her parents have been about how these "unwanted situations" happen to them, combined with dropping into the conversation such a very specific sum of money, which just happens to be the most the OP can afford.