AIBU to lend her the money?

[PixieBob28]

First off thanks for reading. I can't discuss this with anyone else, especially not my husband as he will automatically say no and isn't a very understanding soul.

A bit of background, my husband and I both work but I am currently on maternity leave with our first baby. We just get by every month, we don't have any debt, we have a small amount of savings. We do struggle and don't have much of a social life but we are ok, our little one has everything he needs so that's the main thing. We are just very careful with money.

Now my parents aren't that great with money. I don't know how and I don't know why but they are in a lot of debt. Like eye-watering amount. I'm very open minded about the fact that shit happens in life and sometimes people do get themselves into unwanted situations.

So my mum has to leave her current flat as soon as possible, they can't pay the rent because my dad has just lost his job. It's so bad that they are contemplating splitting up. However there is a friend of a friend that will let them rent their room annex house if they can get £250 for rent for the time being until they get themselves back on their feet. If that's the case they can move in next week.

But of course they have NO money. Nothing. Not even possessions they can sell. They can't get a loan, can't borrow from any other family as my grandparents have lent to them before and now they refuse to. Problem is this isn't the first time they have been in a situation like this but this time there isn't anywhere to get this money.

So do I lend her the £250? I wouldn't tell my husband but I have some birthday money and money I have saved for Christmas that I can give them. I would make it clear they need to pay me back but it probably won't be for another couple of months. Its a bit rubbish because selfishly I want to get my hair done for my birthday and buy a few bits that I wouldn't be able to (I never ever treat myself and get my hair done once a year) if I leant it to her.

Luckily my dad has been offered another job and will start next month so no money will be coming in before then. Just so happy he has managed to find another job so soon though.

I often lend them money like £20-£50 and they always pay it back but my husband hates it. I too gave them £50 recently to keep as my mum has been wonderful helping me look after my baby as I haven't been very well and it's cost her loads in petrol to and from the hospital. My husband and I got into a bit of an argument about this though saying I shouldn't be giving my money away and we could have spent it on us or our baby.

His family are lucky to be financially stable, they always pay for things on days out and often buy our son things he may need without us even asking. They never take money we offer them and to my husband this is the norm.

To me family is everything. And money is just money but because my husband and his family have never got themselves into anything like this and are very by the book he doesn't understand and just sees my parents as a liability and irresponsible.

Of course I love my parents, they are great to us and the emotional support I get from them is worth more than anything.

So what would you do? Not offer the money, keep your husband happy, and treat yourself for your birthday or offer them the money, go without for a few months but know your parents have a roof over their heads?

Help please

I don’t understand why there is no money though , is it all going on debts ?if they aren’t working surely they are bankrupt or on a debt management plan or claiming housing benefit ? There must be something coming in even if it’s unemployment benefits .

You say this isn’t the first time they’ve been in this position. How many times? Have they had to move often?

How many members of the family have helped them? How many friends? Why are they all now refusing?

I’m sorry. I appreciate this is a very tough problem for you. But I think you need to look at the causes of why they are in such a mess. Maybe set them up with one of those free financial help sites (hoping someone wiser can come along and advise!) otherwise this problem won’t go away. It will keep happening.

My advice would be different if it was a one off. Your dad lost his job. They are momentarily out of money. Fine. But that’s not the case. They have exhausted all other avenues for money and now you on maternity leave are thinking of bailing them out as no one else will.

I would also consider your dh in all this. It does not bode well to go behind his back. I would have serious issues if my dp did that. 20 or 30 quid is one thing £250 is another.

Is the friend of a friend yours or theirs?

If your dad has a

New job starting can they make payment once he starts ?

I would do it but I wouldn't keep it secret from my DH. If the money is yours to do as you please with (birthday money did you say?) you are perfectly entitled to lend it to your parents if you want to.

I don't particularly get on with my ILs but I know that there is no way my DH or I would see them homeless.

What would be a problem would be if he did it and didn't tell me.

Secrets have no place in a marriage.

Could your mum not work? What is the owning status with their current flat? Perhaps they need their rock bottom to finally be rehoused in something affordable.
Do you suspect gambling?

Personally I would do it but tell my husband.

@faithinfinity

Yes it's a lot more than just £20. If I was to lose it and not get paid back then yes I would be gutted. You definitely have a point.

They are in debt as it all started when my dad started a business. Took out business loans, borrowed money and the business after a year just failed. I was living with my parents at the time (this was over 10 years ago) and it was awful we lost everything. We had to sell everything including all my belongings too. They too have spent beyond their means at times and used credit cards, payday loans, and store cards which I have openly told them they shouldn't have done. I think after losing the business they thought fuck it we are already in lots of debt, but obviously it's just made it worse.

I’d put an argument together that you’d like to do this for them, you have the saving so it won’t impact the daily budget, you won’t lend them more than £50 ever again and you’ll only do it on agreement that they engage a debt charity to sort their budgets and debts long term.

If he says no, accept that. Especially with you both being on a tight budget yourselves you want to avoid disagreements over money.

But seeing them homeless makes them face up to their actions, not just constantly rely on family to sort them out. And the council will house them in emergency accommodation. Yes it will be shit. But they won't be on the streets.

That is really tough. I think I'd lend the money but also tell my husband I was doing so. I'd rather have the row now than worry about getting tumbled later on.

I'd be very clear with your parents this was the last time and you simply no longer have the means to support them financially anymore.

@bluntness100

Mum doesn't work as she has a disability. They are on the council list for a house but they are a low banding and not seen as needing it as much as others (sorry not sure how the council housing system works).

I would do it.

I often lend them money like £20-£50 and they always pay it back but my husband hates it. I too gave them £50 recently to keep as my mum has been wonderful helping me look after my baby as I haven't been very well and it's cost her loads in petrol to and from the hospital. So your mum ha looked after your baby while you've been ill and visited you in hospital spending loads in petrol? And you're questioning whether you can lend her money to keep a roof over her head? Really? I'm very shocked at the responses to this, I agree about not lending to people but your own mother who's been so kind and helpful while you've been ill? Not to help her would be awful and I don't like the sound of your husband, tbh, he sounds mean and judgemental.

Personally I feel he would never have to do it secretly

But you are going to, aren't you? That really sin't a good idea, you know that!

I understand why your DH doesn't ant you to keep bailing out your parents.. they are adults, you are just enabling them to continue being 'shit with money'.

be honest with yourself, sit down and write down exactly how much you can remember giving them in the last 6 months. If it amount to anywhere close to your mortgage payments then maybe you can see why your DH is so against the idea.

But you are in sticky place right now, aren't you? Best advice here is maybe talk to your DH, tell him and your parents that this is the very last penny they get. You will no longer take from your DDs life to give to them. AND MEAN IT!

I am guessing that setting up a repayment plan would be useless, as they'd say all the right things and then never bother paying of a penny because well... other stuff came up.

You need to decide what YOU want: a comfortable life for you and your DC/DH or to keep on bailing out your parents, at a direct cost to your DC!

I think they need debt advice and their debts consolidated into an IVA or similar, or bankruptcy. They could then start again with a clean slate. People drown in debt which is why there are schemes to help them. Realistically your £250 is not going to be enough to help them.

The clincher here isn’t whether or not to lend the money (or more realistically, give them the money as a gift) but whether or not to lie to your DH.

Given that money is tight for you as a couple it seems a big sum to lie about. If you were loaded and £250 was pocket change it wouldn’t be a big deal but you say money is tight, you and DH go without things to make ends meet. In those circumstances it seems like a massive deal to lend/give that sort of money at all, let alone to do it behind your husbands back knowing that he would not be ok with it.

You say your parents have been in similar situations before to the extent that their own parents now refuse to bail them out. That should be a warning to you. You sacrificing your own savings and birthday money will not solve their problems or make them more careful in the future. You know from past experience it will just tide them over until they screw up again.

Also look at the dynamic here, you say you and DH are careful with money to ensure your baby has everything he needs. Your own parents aren’t taking similar financial responsibility for themselves. They are acting like feckless teens who expect to be bailed out. Don’t do it, don’t enable them any further. Perhaps the short sharp shock of having to live in a hostel or sleep on someone’s floor is what they need.

When you and DH got married you became a unit that IMO takes precedence over other family relationships. If you lie to him about this you are putting your family of origin ahead of him.

Keep quiet about your £250. If you feel bad treating yourself with it, continue to save it for a rainy day or Christmas. Support your mum and dad in every other way you can but don’t give them your money.

You and

Op, once they declare themselves homeless that changes. They will be put in emergency accommodation. It could be a b&b it could be a shit hole, but they will be housed.

Only give what you can afford to lose. Sounds like you may not get it back. If you do lend them the money, you need to tell your husband.

No yanbu.

What are you going to do watch them be homeless? People who comment on the unreasonableness of not telling your husband would probably "lolz hun" if you were spending 250 in secret on a fucking bag. seriously I've seen the threads. This is for a person who gave birth to you and raised you,.

Hmm. Reading your last post I'm now not so sure. I think I'd offer to give them the cash equivalent you'd spend on their Christmas/birthdays etc for the next year and stick to it. So just a card for the actual days.

So your mum ha looked after your baby while you've been ill and visited you in hospital spending loads in petrol? And you're questioning whether you can lend her money to keep a roof over her head? Really? I'm very shocked at the responses to this

I agree and the husband doesn't come off very well here.

Only lend them the money if you're ok with them not paying you back. They're in a terrible mess financially and you will be very low priority for paying back.

What will you do about Christmas for your dc if they don't pay you back?

If you'll be ok, then lend them the money.

But if you do, tell your DH.

Give the money, but don't expect repayment. Also maybe look into debt counselling services they could use? It's tough but having your parents become homeless is a terrible thought.

Can't they sell a car now? I'd give them 250 but tell them it is the last time I can help them out financially and so please not to ask again

Yes of course I would use my money to help family if they were in desperate need. Have your parents looked into whether they can claim any help ( benefits) until he gets his first pay ?