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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to lend her the money?

129 replies

PixieBob28 · 15/09/2018 13:27

First off thanks for reading. I can't discuss this with anyone else, especially not my husband as he will automatically say no and isn't a very understanding soul.

A bit of background, my husband and I both work but I am currently on maternity leave with our first baby. We just get by every month, we don't have any debt, we have a small amount of savings. We do struggle and don't have much of a social life but we are ok, our little one has everything he needs so that's the main thing. We are just very careful with money.

Now my parents aren't that great with money. I don't know how and I don't know why but they are in a lot of debt. Like eye-watering amount. I'm very open minded about the fact that shit happens in life and sometimes people do get themselves into unwanted situations.

So my mum has to leave her current flat as soon as possible, they can't pay the rent because my dad has just lost his job. It's so bad that they are contemplating splitting up. However there is a friend of a friend that will let them rent their room annex house if they can get £250 for rent for the time being until they get themselves back on their feet. If that's the case they can move in next week.

But of course they have NO money. Nothing. Not even possessions they can sell. They can't get a loan, can't borrow from any other family as my grandparents have lent to them before and now they refuse to. Problem is this isn't the first time they have been in a situation like this but this time there isn't anywhere to get this money.

So do I lend her the £250? I wouldn't tell my husband but I have some birthday money and money I have saved for Christmas that I can give them. I would make it clear they need to pay me back but it probably won't be for another couple of months. Its a bit rubbish because selfishly I want to get my hair done for my birthday and buy a few bits that I wouldn't be able to (I never ever treat myself and get my hair done once a year) if I leant it to her.

Luckily my dad has been offered another job and will start next month so no money will be coming in before then. Just so happy he has managed to find another job so soon though.

I often lend them money like £20-£50 and they always pay it back but my husband hates it. I too gave them £50 recently to keep as my mum has been wonderful helping me look after my baby as I haven't been very well and it's cost her loads in petrol to and from the hospital. My husband and I got into a bit of an argument about this though saying I shouldn't be giving my money away and we could have spent it on us or our baby.

His family are lucky to be financially stable, they always pay for things on days out and often buy our son things he may need without us even asking. They never take money we offer them and to my husband this is the norm.

To me family is everything. And money is just money but because my husband and his family have never got themselves into anything like this and are very by the book he doesn't understand and just sees my parents as a liability and irresponsible.

Of course I love my parents, they are great to us and the emotional support I get from them is worth more than anything.

So what would you do? Not offer the money, keep your husband happy, and treat yourself for your birthday or offer them the money, go without for a few months but know your parents have a roof over their heads?

Help please Sad

OP posts:
TownHall · 15/09/2018 14:00

I nearly always say not to lend money in threads like this but in this case I would lend the money. It’s coming from your birthday and Xmas money. I’d rather help my parents than have a new hairdo. It would annoy me but I’d still do it.

I would definitely tell my husband tough.
BTW, if they were made homeless might they be eligible for emergency housing?

ChinkChink · 15/09/2018 14:00

They have a car. Mum has a disability - is she receiving a benefit? Dad can present as unemployed and claim JSA if he is willing to look for work according to the contract. Local authority can assist if they present as homeless.

And have they considered bankruptcy?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/09/2018 14:00

I often lend them money like £20-£50 and they always pay it back but my husband hates it. I too gave them £50 recently to keep as my mum has been wonderful helping me look after my baby as I haven't been very well and it's cost her loads in petrol to and from the hospital. My husband and I got into a bit of an argument about this though saying I shouldn't be giving my money away and we could have spent it on us or our baby

I think your husband sounds mean. I know this is another issue, but I really do.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 14:00

If they’re in the position they’re in through no fault of their own, I’d give it (but not bank on getting it back)

If they’re irresponsible with money knowing that they’ll be bailed out, I wouldn’t.

I also wouldn’t spend £250 on a bag, and DP and I always discuss large purchases/outlays with each other.

MenaMecca · 15/09/2018 14:01

I'd give them the money and tell DP about it.

Your parents don't sound like CFs. They always paid you back in the past. They clearly need the money, and will be homeless if they don't raise the money.

GreenTulips · 15/09/2018 14:01

They have to become homeless to bump up the council list

They need debt managements and a check of benefit claims

Don't lend them the money yet - wait til they are homeless and see what the council suggest -

NobodysChild · 15/09/2018 14:03

Your parents need to be contacting the council and CAB. They need to declare themselves not just homeless but roofless too. I was classed as homeless, but as I was sleeping on friends sofas, this was seen as having a roof over my head. When you literally have nowhere, then this is roofless. Help them to get the appropriate help they need in securing a home and managing their debts/finances. Some people struggle as they don't know where to find help or how to access it. Have a talk with your parents and tell them that you are willing to help secure them a place, making it clear, that the money must be repaid in a certain amount of time. I understand your husband's point of view, in that always helping out financially, is not encouraging your parents to manage their income/debts etc, effectively. Personally, I wouldn't see a dog on the streets, let alone family members who help you BOTH out in times of need.

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/09/2018 14:04

No, I wouldn't do it. They need to sort themselves out and stop being shit with money.

Scrumptiousbears · 15/09/2018 14:04

I wouldn't lend it and definitely not behind DH back.

Your parent fucked up. Sounds like they have fucked up a lot and constantly do it because people bail them out. If it was for the first time maybe but it isn't. Your grandparents learnt the hard way. Take a leak out of their book.

Whocansay · 15/09/2018 14:05

I would give them the money outright, but explain that you will never be able to help them in future.

They won't be able to repay this, so make it a gift or don't do it.

I would get your husband on side first though. Don't do it behind his back.

glintandglide · 15/09/2018 14:08

I would do it (but I wouldn’t lie to my DH)

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 15/09/2018 14:09

I would tell my husband and I'd definitely give my parents the money. It sounds like they support you a lot emotionally.

But I would make sure they know they money needs to be repaid and that they need to start sorting out their debt. They need debt management advice asap.

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch · 15/09/2018 14:10

I wouldn't lend it, knowing the problems it can cause repaying.
I would give it to them with no expectations of it back.
That way there can be no resentment, and Im sure your parents would be grateful
If they pay it back its a bonus

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2018 14:11

Let me just say, no I wouldn’t have an issue doing this. My concern would be that in giving them the £250 you are setting the people up ready to house them with an eviction time bomb. Would it be much better in the longer term for them to be hoofed out and homeless to get accommodation? I imagine that’s a difficult one to answer.

Original poster
PixieBob28 · 15/09/2018 14:11

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Wow this really has devided me, all the replies are so different.

I agree with you all though. Yes they definitely need help and need to accept what is going on. I know £250 isn't going to sort this either, it's a temporary fix.

I never usually lie to my husband, we are a very strong couple and up until now I have always been truthful. I'm only contemplating not telling him because its my personal allowance, I'd never lend them any our family money or savings. Unfortunatly like one poster said yes my husband is a bit judgemental. He's lived a very protected and straight forward life. To him everything is black and white. He is very loving and caring I think he is just fed up of seeing me upset by all of this.

I think I need to think about things and discuss it with my husband before I make a decision.

But thank you again for all your help.

OP posts:
Rarfy · 15/09/2018 14:12

I would borrow my parents but i would tell dh though. And i would be doing it on the basis that i might never get it back.

Have they looked into ways of managing their debt? Stepchange are great and should be able to come up with an affordable repayment plan.

Magik1 · 15/09/2018 14:12

It’s your money to do with as you please. These people raised you for crying out loud. And yes family can be a pain in the arse but like you said family is everything and surely £250 is worth not seeing your parents on the streets . I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing that for the sake of £250 which I can go out and earn again my parents were homeless or living in some shit emergency accommodation. You’re not giving it - you’re lending it and they’ve always paid you back as you said. As your dad has a job agree a payment plan. In fact have they actually asked you to lend it to them , or is it something you’re just thinking of offering ?

Life is shit enough as it is, if we can help others even a little along the way then surely that’s gotta count for something.

areyoubeingserviced · 15/09/2018 14:16

Don’t do it
My dh ( with my consent) ‘lent’ his cousin 3k to help with a deposit for a new home. He said that he would give the money back in six months. That was four years ago.....

Cupoteap · 15/09/2018 14:17

I couldn't see my parents homeless for the sake of £250

Original poster
PixieBob28 · 15/09/2018 14:21

@magik1

No they haven't asked, my mum has just brought it up in conversation. She did mention about asking my nan to lend it but said she probably wouldn't and they may lose the opportunity to rent this annex again.

@ everyone else - will have to try bring up to them all this information about housing and benefits to see what they are entitled to. I think my mum gets some disability allowance but not much. I know over the years it has all changed and decreased so doesn't get a lot.

OP posts:
MissusGeneHunt · 15/09/2018 14:21

IMO, it's YOUR money. Under those circumstances it is up to you what you do with it, as its not like you're taking it away from your DH or DC.

As you don't want to lie (quite rightly) to DH, I would tell him (not ask his permission), what you intend to do (if that's the route you choose). That is of course, you feel strong enough to do so.

Can this money be paid straight to the people putting your parents up?

Tricky one OP, my sympathies.

LuluJakey1 · 15/09/2018 14:21

There is no question I would give my parents the money. I can't imagine how anyone could do otherwise unless they are addicts who would just use it for drink or drugs.

LuluJakey1 · 15/09/2018 14:22

Or gamble it away.

areyoubeingserviced · 15/09/2018 14:24

It’s not just about £250 though.
It’s likely that they will ask for more in the near future.
If she does give her parents the money, she should write it off as it is unlikey that she will
get it back .
To be fair to OP’s dh, he is probably fed up with her parents and their ‘irresponsible ‘ behaviour

Original poster
PixieBob28 · 15/09/2018 14:26

@lulujakey1

No they don't drink or take drugs or gamble. They don't even live a very luxery lifestyle. They have one car between them but that was for dad to get to and from work. My dad's salary just gets eaten up by repaying debt. I am 95% sure they would pay me back also.

OP posts: