AIBU to lend her the money?

[PixieBob28]

First off thanks for reading. I can't discuss this with anyone else, especially not my husband as he will automatically say no and isn't a very understanding soul.

A bit of background, my husband and I both work but I am currently on maternity leave with our first baby. We just get by every month, we don't have any debt, we have a small amount of savings. We do struggle and don't have much of a social life but we are ok, our little one has everything he needs so that's the main thing. We are just very careful with money.

Now my parents aren't that great with money. I don't know how and I don't know why but they are in a lot of debt. Like eye-watering amount. I'm very open minded about the fact that shit happens in life and sometimes people do get themselves into unwanted situations.

So my mum has to leave her current flat as soon as possible, they can't pay the rent because my dad has just lost his job. It's so bad that they are contemplating splitting up. However there is a friend of a friend that will let them rent their room annex house if they can get £250 for rent for the time being until they get themselves back on their feet. If that's the case they can move in next week.

But of course they have NO money. Nothing. Not even possessions they can sell. They can't get a loan, can't borrow from any other family as my grandparents have lent to them before and now they refuse to. Problem is this isn't the first time they have been in a situation like this but this time there isn't anywhere to get this money.

So do I lend her the £250? I wouldn't tell my husband but I have some birthday money and money I have saved for Christmas that I can give them. I would make it clear they need to pay me back but it probably won't be for another couple of months. Its a bit rubbish because selfishly I want to get my hair done for my birthday and buy a few bits that I wouldn't be able to (I never ever treat myself and get my hair done once a year) if I leant it to her.

Luckily my dad has been offered another job and will start next month so no money will be coming in before then. Just so happy he has managed to find another job so soon though.

I often lend them money like £20-£50 and they always pay it back but my husband hates it. I too gave them £50 recently to keep as my mum has been wonderful helping me look after my baby as I haven't been very well and it's cost her loads in petrol to and from the hospital. My husband and I got into a bit of an argument about this though saying I shouldn't be giving my money away and we could have spent it on us or our baby.

His family are lucky to be financially stable, they always pay for things on days out and often buy our son things he may need without us even asking. They never take money we offer them and to my husband this is the norm.

To me family is everything. And money is just money but because my husband and his family have never got themselves into anything like this and are very by the book he doesn't understand and just sees my parents as a liability and irresponsible.

Of course I love my parents, they are great to us and the emotional support I get from them is worth more than anything.

So what would you do? Not offer the money, keep your husband happy, and treat yourself for your birthday or offer them the money, go without for a few months but know your parents have a roof over their heads?

Help please

I'd lend them £250 with no expectation of them paying it back. You say they always pay back loans so they probably will but as it isn't a lot of money, it would be nice to give it to your parents so they have no pressure.

It's a great shame they are in this dilemma, one doesn't expect to have to bale parents out. It's usually the other way around! However your dad will have another job and hopefully they can budget more efficiently in future.

Your parents must be quite nice people for someone to offer them a temporary home.

As for telling or not telling your husband, I do understand people saying they're not happy about that, how would you feel if he did it, etc, but it is only £250. If it was £2,500 out of your small savings it would be different but it's not. So if you feel comfortable about not telling him, don't. If at a later date it comes to light you can always say you didn't give it much thought at the time.

Good luck, you sound really nice.

Your dps will surely end up in this situation again and again but even knowing that I would still lend it to them. They are your parents and you love them and you seem to want to do it. I would tell your dh though, it is your money and your decision but I think keeping it a secret would impact negatively on your relationship. So in short, I would do it, and tell him you are doing it.

I think I would lend the money in these circumstances.

My mother is the same - completely hopeless with money but not due to debt, every month she needs £250 to get by. She goes without food to drink (and she's diabetic) but I do not lend her anything - unfortunately my Nan and brother do although even brother has stopped
Now) on paper her and her partner have a huge amount spare (think nearly £200 a week!!) however they both drink and smoke and this is where this money goes! It's an addiction and I refuse to enable her to drink and smoke herself to death! I have offered budgeting advice but she refuses, I have offered to buy her aids to stop smoking but she says she can't, the reality she doesn't want to and because my Nan keeps bailing her out she will never learn! It really frustrates me as she takes advantage - you can't talk to her reasonably because she gets upset.

OP - what efforts have your parents made to try and resolve these issues themselves? Or are they just expecting a family bail-out?

• have they actually been evicted? Usually tenants are told to sit tight until actually evicted and by then your dad would have a new job.
• have they contacted the Council and informed them they are about to be homeless? With your Mum's disability they would get moved to a higher waiting list banding or offered temporary accomodation
• have they applied for all benefits that they may be entitled to? Housing Benefit?

I would not rush in if they have not taken all necessary steps to resolve their own problems first.

“I can’t, John still owes me 300, I need to waitrose hat back”.*
*
No advice OP, although you sound lovely.
I would like to hear more about this Waitrose hat though.....

If they always pay it back then lend it to them

I'd give them the money, lending is just going to lead to resentment down the line if they struggle to pay it back. And make it clear that it's the last time and that they now need to to get a grip on their own financial responsibilities because now you have a child of your own and your commitment is to your own little family.

OP, you can't keep bailing them out after this, they need to learn how to manage. Yes, what's done is done no point going on about past debts but you need to tell them that should be a lesson learned and the accruing of new debts would be inexcusable. They're lucky they have you but don't be a doormat because 'family'; if you keep being their ATM it is going to cause major friction with your DH and they are your parents not your children.

If they will literally be homeless without your money then I'd lend it to them but make it clear it has to be paid back and it is a one off.

I would 100% lens the money to my parents to keep them afloat

Nooooo

I could not see a situation where I would have to borrow money from my DC.
It might be an opportune moment to give your parents some financial and budgeting advice. Or even take over their finances if they are as bad as you say.
You could say to DH that if your parents end up homeless you could hardly let people of their age (whatever age they are) and that you would have to give them your bed while you and DH sleep on the sofa.
It is concerning that your Grandparents have stopped giving money. Your DF got your parents into this mess and he really should be getting things sorted out by this time. Having known someone of similar type they don't admit they have messed up and they are masters of manipulation He needs to wise up

Stepchange?

Do it and tell him. If he moans then he is a heartless arse

I'd do it. I'd tell my husband I was going to though.

I think your dh is bang out of order on the money towards petrol when you were in hospital. When I was in hospital for a while my dh's family and my dad helped do nursery runs etc. None of them live near us. We gave dh's family money to cover train and petrol costs and they accepted (as they need the money) and my dad declined (as he doesn't need it). Yes your parents have made some stupid decisions, but it sounds like other than the money stuff, they're good parents/grand parents to be.

I couldn't have seen my parents on the streets, any more than they'd have seen me homeless. It's your money, OP, if you want to lend it to them, do it. I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I'd offer the loan but tell DH, even if he (understandably) flips then so be it, he'll get over it. It's better than doing it behind his back.

I think it's time they took responsibility. Can they go to the council? Can they go to adult social care? I'm sure you (and they) have paid taxes, that money is for people in need. They will never learn unless they are forced to face their circumstances fully, and having to make a homelessness applicational may just do that. Also, the council would have a duty to house them while they make investigations, which would take at least a month which would mean your dad would be back in work. YOU deserve to spend those savings they are YOURS and it sounds like it would put pressure on your marriage. You need to think about your family (husband and kid) not always bail out your parents.

This really does sound like my parents and I wouldn't hesitate in lending them the money.

You say they have paid back before so I'm sure they will again and by the sounds of things they help you have the baby.

My DH parents have more money and buy things but are not hands on where as mine are and that means more to me!!

I don't tell my DH as it's my money and I work hard for it. I don't think he would understand as his family are so different

Definitely do it. Especially if it's your money not joint money. Not up to your husband to dictate how you spend your money.
Your parents raised you, don't see them homeless.

It's your money and you can do as you like with it

They are your parents and if I was you I'd be giving the the money.

Have they got a debt management plan like step change op? They really need to tackle how to pay the debt in an affordable way and a debt charity would be a good way to do it. If they haven't get them to do it and make sure it's a charity run one and not one that takes a cut. Can they get debt written off.

It's sounds like they just keep sinking into a deeper hole with no way out.
I would lend it but on the basis of them doing the above plus evidence of good money management. And no more bail outs from then on.

They really need to change their life for the better, it can't be a happy existence for them.

One of the things which really stood out for me is that the grandparents used to lend them money but now refuse ... which rather suggests they know there's no further point

The thing with folks like this claiming "it's an emergency" is that you can help out once, only to find that particular "emergency" is instantly followed by another and that you haven't actually helped them at all

Wouldn't it be better to suggest some help with the underlying issue rather than offering yet another sticking plaster? The kind of advice organisations which PPs have suggested would be a start, and that way you might finally see a difference - but I doubt you'll see any change by just throwing money at the situation

If they don't have assets then then they might want to consider bankruptcy. Not ideal but it would enable a clean slate after 12 months.

Have I read this right?

Your mum is disabled and cannot work. She is kind. She helped you with her time and her petrol when you needed her help.

Your dad has "lost" all the money multiple times. He takes out loan after loan. He has maxed out the debt. He cannot hold down a job. He fails to prioritise the rent.

Last time they got evicted for non-payment of rent you let them sleep on your sofa. This time of getting evicted for non-payment of rent they can't get a proper tenancy. A mate has offered them a place but very sensibly he wants some money up front, £250, because he knows they tend not to pay their rent. They don't have the £250.

When you wanted to give your mum petrol money your DH got upset. Maybe he assumed it would not be kept by your DM but would be taken and pissed away by DF.

Your mum says that she's had enough of this shit, she's moving back to her mum's on her own. This seems like an excellent plan to me. Don't stand in her way.