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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter given to family friend at school gate without permission

344 replies

Becklington · 14/09/2018 21:49

Hi
I found out that a new teacher in my daughter's first week at primary school, at school pick up time, gave her to a friend of ours. Our friend, who the teacher does not know at all, thought she was meant to pick her up. The school asks that any parent emails or tells them in person requests for a different person picking up. Clearly this had not happened. I am really upset as a stranger, to all intents and purposes, picked up.our daughter. Our friend said she had to be quite insisting to get her to come with her as my daughter is very shy but the teacher let her go. Clearly she came to no harm but I have lost all faith, trust and confidence. I am wondering if I should report this breach of basic safeguarding...any thoughts please?

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 15/09/2018 08:11

Sort yourself out!!

Anniegetyourgun · 15/09/2018 08:13

I think the "yes" was to another poster, as she said at least twice that the friend was not yet on the list. OP said she's new to the site, probably doesn't realise you can't tell who she's replying to unless she copies it in herself.

So, to recap yet again: Dad is due to pick up child. Friend will be picking up child some days starting next week, but school not yet informed of this. Friend mistakenly comes to pick up child this week. Child demurs, as she is expecting to be picked up by Daddy. New teacher, not knowing who any of these people are, calmly watches friend persuading reluctant child to go home with her and makes no attempt to prevent them leaving. Fortunately, Dad turns up as they're on the way out and sorts out the confusion. (I agree, if he had been only one minute late as claimed there would have been no problem!)

Mum does not pick child up from school as she is at work. Not a radical concept in the 21st century, surely?

Swishswish26 · 15/09/2018 08:14

Complain if you wish, however I wouldn’t recommend putting this person on your pick up list having made such a big deal out if it. Also prepared to be reprimanded for your dh being late as ultimately it was this that caused the problem in the first place. I think you are going to be known as a troublemaker amongst staff though.

llangennith · 15/09/2018 08:15

Your main problem is your inability to communicate clearly, as shown by most of your posts here. Your second problem is a husband who doesn't understand that he needs to organise himself to get to school early enough so he's in the playground and waiting before the end of the school day.
Your child was never in any danger of being abducted from school by a stranger.

Ellisandra · 15/09/2018 08:17

The biggest safeguarding issue here is your husband who can’t be bothered to arrive on time to collect when his child has only just started school.

LTB.

Abitlost2015 · 15/09/2018 08:18

The husband is late.
The friend gets dates mixed up.
The OP can’t explain things clearly.
... it must be the school’s fault.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/09/2018 08:19

Can't work out if friend has picked up the child before but even so if she got her weeks "muddled up" she would be on the list.

🤷‍♀️

Anniegetyourgun · 15/09/2018 08:20

ps Why does everyone assume it's OP's place to inform the school who is supposed to pick up her child? If the Dad usually does it then he should be telling them who else to allow. He's the parent at home. He's either looking after the child or designating an alternative carer. She's at work. You know, earning money for the family to live on. As one does.

I dunno, maybe it is a radical concept in the 21st century...

crimsonlake · 15/09/2018 08:20

If your friend does occasionally pick your child up and was insistent with the teacher then I think it is hardly the teacher at fault here. It would have been quite different if said friend had never done any pick ups.

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/09/2018 08:20

Your husband was late and your friend, who does pick her up sometimes thought it was ‘her turn’ and was forceful with the new teacher. This is not the school’s fault.

HesterMacaulay · 15/09/2018 08:22

The OP has said that school did not have any information about friend collecting. Just because the OP has irrationally irritated people reading the thread, doesn't alter the fact that the child was handed over to someone not authorised to collect her.

TheSkyAtNight · 15/09/2018 08:22

Teacher needs more support & safeguarding training - the nspcc now campaign around 'clever never goes' as most child abductions are by someone the child knows. School should support with a procedure to follow if pick up is problematic. It's not a situation where you should complain, but should be reported as a 'near miss' showing safeguarding systems aren't robust enough, I think.

Bigheadache · 15/09/2018 08:24

As a teacher I have the children lined up and when they have pointed out who they are going home with usually the adult will wave etc I let them go as UNSURPRISINGINGLY I don’t know what every child’s adults look like at this stage in the year.

Well if this thread has done one thing it's made me grateful that this ^ isn't the situation at DCs school. The DC don't even come to the door until the teacher has identified the adult.

SerialNameChangerMe · 15/09/2018 08:30

She must be on the pick-up list if she has alternating weeks to collect the child. In which case, the teacher would recognise the name or see the name on her list. It doesn't matter if the teacher is new to the school - she/he would have the same names as everybody else.

ApocalypseNowt · 15/09/2018 08:34

I am imagining the DH was late as he was busy t-rexing in the playground.

SerialNameChangerMe · 15/09/2018 08:35

Wow. This thread has surprised me - I thought all schools required names of people who are allowed to collect the children for safeguarding reasons, we pass this on when the children start in reception and then amend as needed.

catherinedevalois · 15/09/2018 08:37

But how does the teacher at the beginning of the year know by sight all the pick-ups? You have to trust the child's judgement. Can you see mummy? A woman waves. Is that mummy? Yes. You release them, you don't have a pack of photos to refer to. More worrying is if Auntie Maureen is picking up. A woman waves. Ooh that's Auntie! Off they go but you find out that was Auntie Sue! Good learning curve, you MUST be there when the doors open. Otherwise let the school know

Elephantinacravat · 15/09/2018 08:38

If your friend wasn't on the list and your daughter is new to the school so the teacher wouldn't have seen the friend before, and there was no one else there to pick up, then yes, the teacher was wrong to hand her over. I'm not entirely sure if it's mandatory safeguarding rules yet, but nearly all schools now have a list of adults allowed to pick up each child, and if you had not yet told the school that your friend should be on that list then they are wrong. I'm surprised the school didn't give you a form to fill out when the child joined the school as part of the paperwork. So yes I would probably flag it with the head.

Having said that, your husband being so late that he missed this entire thing, when your daughter has only just joined the school, is total crap and he needs to sort his shit out as well to ensure that he is there on time.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/09/2018 08:39

OP glad you intend speaking to the head.

Since the friend has not yet picked up your DD and the school has not yet been informed that she will sometimes pick up your DD, it is a huge safeguarding issue that a teacher would hand her over. Doubly so because your DD was a bit reticent. Being strong in the face of insistent demands to ignore protocol in this instance when there are no obvious extenuating circumstances that warrant overriding protocol is essential for any sort of security to be effective. It was a very naive but basic error on the teacher's part and does not reflect well on her.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/09/2018 08:45

She got her weeks mixed up. She was meant to go the following week once she's settled etc

How was she supposed to collect the child without being on the list?

HesterMacaulay · 15/09/2018 08:46

SerialNameChangerMe She must be on the pick-up list if she has alternating weeks to collect the child. In which case, the teacher would recognise the name or see the name on her list. It doesn't matter if the teacher is new to the school - she/he would have the same names as everybody else
OP has said the friend is not on any list as the arrangement hasn't started. Child has literally just started school.

HesterMacaulay · 15/09/2018 08:48

How was she supposed to collect the child without being on the list?

I'm assuming OP would inform school next week ...As is perfectly normal

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/09/2018 08:52

The OP said yes to the friends name being on the list.

HesterMacaulay · 15/09/2018 09:04

I will speak to head as friend who was not on any list did pick my daughter which shouldn't have been allowed

Tirednanny · 15/09/2018 09:06

Big headache

How can I identify the adult on the first day if I don’t know what the adult looks like????