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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter given to family friend at school gate without permission

344 replies

Becklington · 14/09/2018 21:49

Hi
I found out that a new teacher in my daughter's first week at primary school, at school pick up time, gave her to a friend of ours. Our friend, who the teacher does not know at all, thought she was meant to pick her up. The school asks that any parent emails or tells them in person requests for a different person picking up. Clearly this had not happened. I am really upset as a stranger, to all intents and purposes, picked up.our daughter. Our friend said she had to be quite insisting to get her to come with her as my daughter is very shy but the teacher let her go. Clearly she came to no harm but I have lost all faith, trust and confidence. I am wondering if I should report this breach of basic safeguarding...any thoughts please?

OP posts:
Justgivemeasoddingname · 15/09/2018 00:31

Am I the only one who hot this from the get go? Oh I think may be the very first poster was on it.
Worth mentioning to the HT and clarify with class teacher that if s/he doesn't know the picker upper not to release the child. Simples. To ne fair id have thought anone

Justgivemeasoddingname · 15/09/2018 00:32

Whoops.....continued....
Anyone with a degree would also have the common sense to work that out.

However....cheers- it's been a blast. Comedy gold.

1forAll74 · 15/09/2018 00:42

OMG, is this what it is like these days, as in collecting your children from school.. I could have sent my lovely milkman to collect my kids from school years ago, and nobody would have minded at all !!

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2018 01:30

You say that like it's a good thing 1FIRALL. what would have stopped someone who shouldn't have access to the child turning up and taking them?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2018 01:31

Chiffon why so angry? Perhaps you should do the pilates tonight

Isadora2007 · 15/09/2018 01:39

What’s a pick up list? I’ve been a mum to school age children for 16 years now and never come across one. Yes there can be “do NOT hand child over to this person” lists (if there is a known issue for that child:family) but if I’m held up andtext my friend to grab my kids whilst she gets hers, or I ask my mum or sister to pick them up randomly that’s fine.
It’s school...how can a teacher be expected to keep track of 90 plus “allowed” people- assuming parents plus a.n.other for each pupil in a class of 30.

Salazaar · 15/09/2018 01:40

156 messages giving thetroll journo what they want

user1471468296 · 15/09/2018 01:56

How old is the child?? Sorry if I've missed that in all the confusion. There's a big difference between this happening to a 5 year old and an 11 year old. There's no obligation to see children out to a parent in KS2, or so the head of the junior school I work in has always said. We have an adult on the gate and watch that new Y3s go to an adult but trust the children if they know the adult - no safe words / lists unless specifically asked for by the teacher.

SeriousAlligator · 15/09/2018 02:15

nakedscientist you read my mind.

Love the 'no' and 'yes' updates Grin

Nicknacky · 15/09/2018 03:08

My daughters just started school too, we aren’t asked who is allowed to pick up but the children aren’t allowed to leave until they identify their guardian. And that was the same with my eldest.

stargazer2030 · 15/09/2018 03:35

Yabu. The teacher saw your family friend who does pick your daughter up sometimes so is known to your teacher, is obviously a parent at school as they wouldn't be there otherwise and let your dd go with her as there was no one else there you pick her up? What do expect of the teacher really? This isn't really a safeguarding issue.
I didn't know school had pick up lists for each child? If your friend does pick up sometimes then they must be on it anyway?

MumsGoneToIceland · 15/09/2018 05:58

I wouldn’t report on this occasion. I think that as a result of crossed wires with friend and Dh not being organised enough to be there befor3 they came out (on the first week!!) it resulted in a situation that put the (new) teacher in a v difficult situation. It sounds like the teacher was being very cautious but friend was insistent. I would be surprised if you hadn’t already informed the teacher that this parent would be picking up your child sometimes during the transition period/ school forms (I certainly would have done if they are picking up from next week and it's now Friday, if not when were you going to inform them?),

I agree that on a technicality this is potentially a safeguarding issue but given all of the above you (the parents/friend) have caused this i’m afraid and if you kick up a fuss then you could make the future arrangement difficult if you are not 100 per cent clear again in one day in the future on who picking up one day.

AgentProvocateur · 15/09/2018 06:00

None of this would have happened if your husband had been there on time. And I guarantee he wasn’t just “a minute” late. It’s a piss poor show that he’s late in week one of your daughter’s first year at school.

StepBackNow · 15/09/2018 06:43

^^ This

Husband fail.

Thatsfuckingshit · 15/09/2018 06:57

Tbh I think you are going to look like a bit of dick.

Complaining that the friend isn't on the list and that the teacher let the child go. Then asking for the friend to be put on the list and the friend starting to pick the child up.

Also, your husband must have been more than a minute late. The conversation with the teacher must have lasted more than a miniute. Who does that on their kids first week?

twoheaped · 15/09/2018 07:06

Your beef should be with your husband.
The friend wasn't a stranger, your dd obviously knew her and was probably comfortable with her.

HesterMacaulay · 15/09/2018 07:11

Ffs people. OP has ultimately clarified that this friend has never picked up before and is not on any list yet.
So the teacher should not have released the child. It is a safeguarding issue and should be raised with the school.

Uzicorn · 15/09/2018 07:30

@Gersemi

You left out this exchange, which caused confusion. SheCameFromGreece summarised it well:

Feefeetrixabelle Fri 14-Sep-18 22:42:23
Have you at any point given the school a list of names for collection? Is this friends name on the list?

Becklington Fri 14-Sep-18 22:43:09
Yes

But now you're saying you did not give a list to the school with friend's name on it? Are you on a massive wind up here?

Gersemi · 15/09/2018 07:41

The teacher saw your family friend who does pick your daughter up sometimes so is known to your teacher

Yet another example of someone not bothering to read OP's posts in their eagerness to attack. It's really extraordinary, given that the facts that demonstrate this to be wrong are literally in the first sentence, where OP says that it's a NEW teacher in her daughter's FIRST WEEK AT PRIMARY SCHOOL.

If your friend does pick up sometimes then they must be on it anyway?

Aaaand the clue to that one lies in the words "friend who was not on any list"

Gersemi · 15/09/2018 07:42

Yes, Uzicorn that caused minor confusion which OP cleared up.

rjay123 · 15/09/2018 07:47

Fuck me. I thought Sharon was bad.

OP - you win the award for being the worst forum user.

RainySeptember · 15/09/2018 07:58

Your dh should e been there on time.

Your friend should have known that it wasn't her day to pick up.

But the teacher is a professional person in charge of children's safety and shouldn't have allowed a child to go home with someone else without instructions from you.

I teach and would normally defend a teacher or suggest you complain directly to the teacher, but this is too important and could have had dire consequences. Unfortunately, you do need to mention this to the head.

By year 3/4 teachers may simply open the door and trust the children to know where they're going, but in (I assume) reception that won't be the case yet.

Tirednanny · 15/09/2018 08:00

How old is your child? Reception child is slightly different as teacher may have had home visit.
When did it happen?
As a teacher I have the children lined up and when they have pointed out who they are going home with usually the adult will wave etc I let them go as UNSURPRISINGINGLY I don’t know what every child’s adults look like at this stage in the year.
If you want your friend to pick up next week I would be careful how you word your complaint as the teacher may be reluctant to let child go with friend next week.
Would also like to point out if I’d be astonished if a teacher ever let any child go if they said they were waiting for their Mum/dad or weren’t sure of the situation.

tinstar · 15/09/2018 08:06

Who would be a teacher today.

QuickWash · 15/09/2018 08:09

Poor teacher!

The issue here was hugely exacerbated by your husband not turning up in time (and he must have been significantly late) for all this to have taken place.

If you've already decided that a friend will be picking daughter up sometimes then presumably your daughter and school are aware of this.

Teacher is then put in the position of thinking 'they didn't tell me this situation was starting this week, did they?' whilst your friend forcefully argues that she's here to collect the child and no one else turns up to do so. Teacher has to weigh up the situation amid end of day chaos and potentially other minor dramas all around.

If you and your friend had communicated better it could have been avoided.

If your husband had turned up on time it could have been avoided.

Mention it to school by all means but be prepared for them to equally point out the issues with your poor comms and tardiness.

FWIW, my friend and whose daughters were in the same class interchangeably picked up our kids so that one of us could stay with the younger sibs or similar. As we were nominated picker uppers we didn't specify days and it would have been a massive PITA to do so.

Children who were in real danger from being picked up by someone who wasn't allowed access etc had to be picked up from the main office with additional security etc.