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Original poster

School fees and step families

181 replies

Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 19:49

Looking for views.

Grandmother in family pays grandchildren’s school fees. Three grandchildren in total.

Son has just got engaged and will become step father to two secondary school age children. Custody of these children is shared 50-50 between parents. Two sets of grandparents actively involved.

Fiancée has just commented to her future MIL that it is a pity they didn’t get angaged before the start of the school term as the children could have enrolled in their new private school at the start of year instead of the middle.

Grandmother is looking forward to getting to know these two teens but had not considered paying school fees for them. She is now concerned there will be a rift in the family if she doesn’t. She could just about afford it, but it would impact on her lifestyle. Her son could not afford private school fees, and she knows his fiancée assumes she will pay as she commented it was a great perk of being in the family,

I am a good friend of grandmother and My view is she should explain to her son this situation. This lady doesn’t know these teens well at all, and paying thousands of pounds for their schooling seems too much. But neither of have experience with step families. Are we being too hard nosed?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 15/09/2018 13:54

is it? I thought it was common to provide for your children in case the surviving spouse remarried, especially in cases where youre talking about a lot of money. I stand corrected. Still seems strange to me though, and it sounds like the son is bitter

PattiStanger · 15/09/2018 14:00

It's good that the conversation has been started, much better to have things out in the open. I'm sorry for your friend that she has found out what a nasty person her son is.

It's totally normal imo for spouses to leave their money to each other but obviously all families aren't the same

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 15/09/2018 15:01

your poor friend her son sounds vile and grabby, she should not pay for the school fees, if she wanted to she could say she would pay 1/4 along with the other grandparents and the mother

Bluelady · 15/09/2018 15:25

Surely everyone leaves everything to their surviving spouse? Isn't that normal?

RabbitsAreTasty · 15/09/2018 15:29

She should bite the bullet and come clean to her daughter. The daughter clearly knows what a complete arse her brother is. She will be angry about the money from the point of view of being angry her mum was ripped off by her brother. She will be ecstatic that the scales have fallen from her mother's eyes and she now sees her son for the conman he is. She'll be your friend's greatest advocate in telling the son to get to fuck.

BewareOfDragons · 15/09/2018 15:42

Wasting his inheritance?!?!

He doesn't have an inheritance until somebody dies and he is named int he will.

What an entitled dick. I'd cut him off completely, tbh.

findingmywaytoday · 15/09/2018 15:51

"believes his mother’s money is family money and they can access it as they wish."

Truly shocked by his attitude. I'd disinherit and leave funds to the grandchildren and daughter if I were your friend. My mums siblings were like this (not my mum) and honestly their behaviour even thinking about it now makes me feel sick. They abandoned my grandparents who needed help but were suddenly very involved after they passed away and tried to screw each other over. Money really can bring out the worst in people. My grandparents biggest mistake was hoping for the best and giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Theaspidistraiswilting · 15/09/2018 15:54

This is very interesting as I have a hypothetical situation where my parents may pay for private school for my two children but wouldn’t for my SS who they have known since he was 2. They are very fond of him, Christmas presents, birthdays etc but very much see him as not really their grandchild. SS is with us 2 nights a week and just started a very good local senior school school with excellent academic reputation. What do you think will happen in this situation?

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 15:56

Is it just me who hopes the grasping son finds his lovely mother left it all to the donkey sanctuary when the will is read?

Bluelady · 15/09/2018 15:57

I'd decline their kind offer and send them all to the same school.

Havaina · 15/09/2018 16:02

theaspid I don't know what will happen but your grandparents are within their rights not to want to pay for your SS. It's their money after all.

The onus is on you to decline their offer if you want to treat the 3 dc the same.

But as SS is only with you 2 nights a week, I wouldn't deprive your own dc of this opportunity. If he lined with you full time that would be a different matter.

flumpybear · 15/09/2018 16:09

The son sounds like an entitled cf of the cheekiest order - what an absolute asshat! She ought to be really careful around him as he'll bleed her dry. What an shitbag!

helpmum2003 · 15/09/2018 16:15

Tiger I feel so sorry for your friend - awful. I'm afraid she has probably unwittingly encouraged this behaviour by financially subsidising him.

Totally reasonable for all to go to surviving spouse. We have arrangements in our wills for our dc if surviving spouse re-marks.

LokiBear · 15/09/2018 16:16

Just when you think you have heard it all....what an awful man.

Original poster
Tiger2113 · 15/09/2018 16:22

Theaspid your scenario is not as clear cut as my friends. However your parents are clear they don’t want to pay for this child’s education. Does he think of him as his grandparents? Are they included in all his milestones and school activities to the same extent as his other parents?

As I have said I have never been part of a step family, and I am not entirely sure of the norms. However I would imagine emotion drives much of it. My friend barley knows the children who are marrying into her family. However in your example your parents do have a relationship, but don’t think of this boy as a grandchild. I think as long as they are kind and inclusive at family events that is enough. A considerable financial investment in his future might just be a step too far for them.

OP posts:
Theaspidistraiswilting · 15/09/2018 16:23

Thanks Havaina - I can anticipate some very hard conversations. Ideally we would pay for SS but then GPs might be miffed that we weren’t using that money (which would be Very tough to find) in the first place. I have no idea how to even begin this conversation as I feel that it would be unfair to my two not to give them what I really believe is the best start in life because they have a step sibling but equally not fair on SS. Aargh.

Theaspidistraiswilting · 15/09/2018 16:25

Step families are tough! I think your friend is well within her rights to explain the offer does not extend to two strangers. She is not taking responsibility for them, it is not her choice!

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 15/09/2018 16:27

I am staggered at the fiancée's cheek! A "perk" of joining the family?! For that remark alone, I'd disinherit him completely.

7yo7yo · 15/09/2018 16:32

Well he’s a cunt isn’t he!
Your friend needs to make sure she has a water tight fair will.

user3412891277 · 15/09/2018 17:34

OP, I've seen this exact scenario play out with my grandparents and hope there are some lessons in this..

My grandparents were reasonably well off (not rich, but wise investments) and paid the school fees for all of us six grandchildren and towards the house deposits for some of us (as am sure they will for the others when they are ready). I am eternally grateful to them for educating me and helping me with my first house, and all I want is for them to have peace and happiness in their retired life.

However that's not been the case at all. Their youngest son (my uncle) has recently divorced and remarried and his step kids are now in the mix. My grandparents paid both his divorce settlement and a lumpsum to his new wife when they got married to use how they liked. This was a woman he had an affair with while he was still married, so there is a lot of resentment from his parents as well as his siblings, but despite that, they've wanted to make her feel welcome and given the lumpsum as a way of extending support.

Despite this, the youngest son has constantly been having a go at them, always causing fights, asking for more money - first for university fees for the step kids, then for paying for a stepson's trip to the US to scout for jobs there, and countless other things. They paid for some of it early on but then put their foot down and refused to pay for anything. In fact they've rewritten the will to remove the amount they've already paid towards the divorce and the new dil, and shared the inheritance between the other children. It breaks my heart to see my grandparents go through all of this.

Some lessons for your friend from this:

  • Her son will never stop asking. It's much better to put an end to the "financial expectations" sooner rather than later.
  • She can provide a fixed amount as a "gift" to the new family if she can afford it, but nothing on a regular basis, like school fees (which is guaranteed to turn into university fees later on)
  • If she has supported the son significantly more than the daughter, she may have to take off some of the inheritance towards him from the will, which is only fair
RabbitsAreTasty · 15/09/2018 18:21

I expect to leave no inheritance. I want a bloody nice care home when I'm 95. What are your friend's plans for that?

Ariclock · 15/09/2018 19:16

Your friend sounds lovely op but this has been a bit of a wake up call for her I imagine. I really feel for her but if I was her I would stop paying maintainence for her granddaughter immediately. Her son can contribute to his daughter's upbringing through cms. He is a grown adult and doesn't need her to pay for his car either. She has created this situation and needs to pull back now and concentrate her attention on those people who actually care for her. He will bleed her dry otherwise. I know that you don't want to show her this thread because you have made it clear that you disapprove of her son but he has behaved dreadfully and we all agree with you. The reason why he treats her like crap is partly because she hasn't let him grow up and also because she won't say no to him. This then validates his belief that the money is rightly his. She needs to cut him off for her sake.

Fruitlovingmonkey · 15/09/2018 19:33

She needs to talk to her daughter. I’m assuming she will be very angry about her brother’s attitude and he definitely needs taking down a peg or two.
I disagree with PPs that step children should be treated the same by other family members when it comes to presents. I have step children in my family. They have two sets of families to buy them birthday/ Christmas presents. I don’t intend to start. If I see them on Christmas Day, I will buy a token gift to give them but I won’t treat them the same as my nieces and nephews. It doesn’t make sense when they have two sets of aunties and uncles already.

jacks11 · 15/09/2018 19:49

Grandmother should not pay for the step-grandchildren. They are teens she barely knows- she cannot be expected to pay thousands of pounds on school fees for them. It just is not reasonable. In my view, treating them fairly in this situation does not mean she should pay the fees- it means she should be welcoming, acknowledge birthdays and christmases etc. It may perhaps be different if these children had been brought up by her son from an early age.

Either her daughter-in-law to be is very entitled (and massively overstepping the mark) or your friends's son has told his fiancé that his mum will pay. Either way, your friend has to point out that whilst she wishes to be welcoming, that doesn't extend to paying for school fees.

As to what to do if son and fiancé have a child together- she can pay the fees for that child. It is not "excluding" the step-children/grandchildren if they don't go to private school- these teens have their own grandparents and father (as well as mother) to provide such things.

LynetteScavo · 16/09/2018 20:54

It's not normal for an adult child to benefit financially after a parents death if the other parent is still alive (and they were still married)

The son is a rude man child.