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Original poster

School fees and step families

181 replies

Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 19:49

Looking for views.

Grandmother in family pays grandchildren’s school fees. Three grandchildren in total.

Son has just got engaged and will become step father to two secondary school age children. Custody of these children is shared 50-50 between parents. Two sets of grandparents actively involved.

Fiancée has just commented to her future MIL that it is a pity they didn’t get angaged before the start of the school term as the children could have enrolled in their new private school at the start of year instead of the middle.

Grandmother is looking forward to getting to know these two teens but had not considered paying school fees for them. She is now concerned there will be a rift in the family if she doesn’t. She could just about afford it, but it would impact on her lifestyle. Her son could not afford private school fees, and she knows his fiancée assumes she will pay as she commented it was a great perk of being in the family,

I am a good friend of grandmother and My view is she should explain to her son this situation. This lady doesn’t know these teens well at all, and paying thousands of pounds for their schooling seems too much. But neither of have experience with step families. Are we being too hard nosed?

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 15/09/2018 10:38

Bloody hell, fiancée is incredibly cheeky!

I think grandmother needs to speak to her son and tell him she will not and cannot pay for private school for the two step children.

I have dc from a previous relationship and I take care of their expenses I do not expect my in laws to pay for anything for them they’re not their responsibility, how ridiculous and greedy is it to expect your in laws to take on the burden of a massive expense of your children whom the in-laws barely know!

fuzzywuzzy · 15/09/2018 10:39

Also will the two teen dc even want to change school and go to a new school?

SpottingTheZebras · 15/09/2018 10:43

It is hugely disruptive for children to change schools in their teens when they are studying towards exams. Quite apart from anything else, some private schools have a degree of snobbery towards those who have previously been in state schools which means they may not settle and could be bullied. This will then add to the impact of disruption and could cause the two to have significantly worse grades than if they stayed where they were. It isn’t just school fees that are expensive but all the designer clothes and gadgets, school trips and keeping up with their friends who presumably have parents who can afford the fees and extra curricular actives and costs.

Also, a private school is not necessarily a better education than a state school. Many are but the child’s personality, age and background (for reasons above) will come into it.

If your son adopts the children, then I think a compromise should be reached - either offering private education or putting money in savings towards university etc.

What about the children’s father? Does he have shared custody? Will he mind if the children are in school on Saturday mornings and do not see him then?

Hortonlovesahoo · 15/09/2018 10:48

Absolute CF. Based on what you say of the son , I suspect he could be the one implying these "benefits" will soon be for his step kids.

SpottingTheZebras · 15/09/2018 10:54

I also think your friend needs to say something before the wedding, just in case the fiancée changes her mind if the school fees are a big lure to her.

Frazzled2207 · 15/09/2018 10:54

Unbelievable. Grandmother should absolutely not pay school fees for them unless she actively wants to, but if it would impact her life style then totally unreasonable for her to be expected to do so. Fiancée is bonkers but the son has some responsibility here for setting down expectations.

DingDongDenny · 15/09/2018 10:57

I get that there could be issues for a blended family when some children are privately educated and some aren't. But given he hardly sees his daughter and so she isn't in the same house, I don't think it's an issue

KnotsInMay · 15/09/2018 11:37

The Fiancée is batshit if she assumes her DH’s mother will or should take responsibility for school fees, or anything else!

There is no basis for any such expectation, socially, morally or legally.

I think your friend needs to say to her son “I’m not sure whether I have this right, but was DF joking when she seemed to imply that I might pay school fees? “ and take it from there. Practice some phrases like “that isn’t something that would be possible” “you need to think about your plans because I won’t be choosing to do that” “ that’s not a responsibility I am prepared to take on”.

IF the DF was serious she is extremely entitled and grabby. And your friend’s son needs to stop viewing his mother as a cash cow. What a bloody cheek, imagining that HIS choice to get married brings financial obligations to his mother!

PattiStanger · 15/09/2018 11:57

The ages and circumstances of the children are irrelevant, there is no way in the world your friend should be paying the fees.

Of course the future DIL isn't joking, surely no one would say it in that way. Either she's assumed it or the son has.

Please assure your friend she does not need to pay or feel guilty in any way, this needs to be nipped in the bud asap.

BasicUsername · 15/09/2018 12:30

Future DIL is incredibly rude and entitled.

However, engagements can be broken. What if she agreed to contribute to school fees for the step children, and then the couple didn't even get married? It would be insane for your friend to contribute anything towards these children's school fees.

It would be a bit different if her son adopted them, but as they have 50/50 custody with the children's father, this seems unlikely.

Original poster
Tiger2113 · 15/09/2018 12:31

Thank you all. I called round to my friends house this morning for coffee. We chatted about this and while I was there she phoned her son.

He appears not to have specifically told the finance that school fees would be paid, but believes his mother’s money is family money and they can access it as they wish. A new house was mentioned, which is his priority rather than the step children’s schooling.

It appears my friend has been subsidising this man to a much greater extent than I had appreciated. My friend is devastated by the way he spoke to her - I could hear some of the conversation and he was referring to his fathers money, how wrong it was that she got everything when his father died and she should not be withholding it (his father passed away many years ago).

The conclusion of the call was my friend will continue to pay child support(!) and school fees for his daughter and will pay his car payment however the expenses attached to his new family are for him to address. He claims he will be living in poverty while the favoured few will be living the high life and wasting his inheritance.

I am shocked by his extremely childish reaction. My friend was in tears and is annoyed at herself for letting him become this dependent on her. She doesn’t want her daughter to know as she has always defended him and now feels thoroughly ashamed of him.

Hopefully it will all calm down. I have reassured my fire. That it is not normal for her to be expected to support the step children as that was the resounding opinion expressed her - even by people who are in step families.

OP posts:
LouHotel · 15/09/2018 12:45

I am utterly shocked at your last update.

She's been paying his child support!

I think your friend should tally up exactly what she's paid on his behalf and then remove that sum from his eventual inheritance or change her will so his half goes to his unfortunate child that he can't even be bothered to even see or pay for.

His ex wife had a lucky escape with that one.

Needahairbrush · 15/09/2018 12:48

Wow, I’m shocked too. I think you’ve posted a lot of detail on here about your friend and her family, would it be identifying di you think? Think about asking for this to be deleted.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 12:52

Oh your poor lovely friend OP. “His inheritance”? Er I think he means HER money.

People who expect from a will or expect money to be handed over by parents are awful.

I received an inheritance from my Mum and have tried to use it to honour her, but I never expected it, and would never have demanded it!

Allthewaves · 15/09/2018 12:55

Well I'd be giving money straight to ex dil. I'd pay his car outright and tell him he gets nothing else.

Allthewaves · 15/09/2018 12:56

And tell her to sort will put asap

Original poster
Tiger2113 · 15/09/2018 12:56

You are perhaps correct - I have given too much information. I wanted to give he full picture and was reassured as my friend does not use the internet. But members of the family might. I will ask for this to be deleted.

Thank you all for the advice. We though we were going mad - but this is clearly unreasonable

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 15/09/2018 13:00

This is absolutely disgusting, and your friend needs to stop paying the child support and his car, in fact everything that she pays for except the school fees for the 3 she already pays for.
No wonder he's the way he is if your friend has allowed him to be like this all his life.
Please show her this thread, let her know how wrong he is to treat her like this.
I know she's only tried to do good deeds and she sounds lovely, I'd be tempted to give his inheritance to her (bio + adopted) grandchildren and leave him out completely.

Branleuse · 15/09/2018 13:01

So he didnt get any inheritance from his father as it all went to your friend?

I do think theyve been cheeky, but im not surprised he was hurt to not be in his fathers will

MiddleClassProblem · 15/09/2018 13:02

Good luck. I hope she does confide in her daughter as I’m sure she’s a support to her.

It’s not family money, it’s never a right to inheritance, it’s a privilege to receive. What inheritance will he passing on to his children? Sounds like he would spend all his money if he could as that’s his money in his view.

If his mum is responsible for him, why is he not responsible for his daughter? Awful man.

kaitlinktm · 15/09/2018 13:09

So he didnt get any inheritance from his father as it all went to your friend?

I do think theyve been cheeky, but im not surprised he was hurt to not be in his fathers will

I thought that was usual. I wouldn't expect any inheritance until both my parents had died - apart from perhaps jewellery etc. I daresay neither of the children got any inheritance. In any case the friend might need to use HER money to pay for care in later life too.

RandomlyChosenName · 15/09/2018 13:27

Was it the son who asked (told) his mum to pay for private school for his daughter in the first place?

And then I assume your friend paid for her other two grandchildren because she had paid for his daughter?

Firesuit · 15/09/2018 13:33

I do think theyve been cheeky, but im not surprised he was hurt to not be in his fathers will

It's perfectly normal and appropriate for a married person to leave everything to their spouse.

RandomlyChosenName · 15/09/2018 13:33

I do think theyve been cheeky, but im not surprised he was hurt to not be in his fathers will

Eh? The normal thing to happen is that when a husband or wife dies, everything goes to their spouse as it is "joint" money.

Assuming both daughter and son are the biological children of both mother and father. If there is a twist in this story and the son had a mother who died, ops friend is his step mum and married the father when he was very rich and she was not and her daughter has a different father but is the OPs friends daughter...

chillpizza · 15/09/2018 13:36

Why would the son get the money rather than his mother the mans wife. He sounds like he has no idea of the real adult life I’d continue to help ex dil but cut him off cash wise all together.