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Original poster

School fees and step families

181 replies

Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 19:49

Looking for views.

Grandmother in family pays grandchildren’s school fees. Three grandchildren in total.

Son has just got engaged and will become step father to two secondary school age children. Custody of these children is shared 50-50 between parents. Two sets of grandparents actively involved.

Fiancée has just commented to her future MIL that it is a pity they didn’t get angaged before the start of the school term as the children could have enrolled in their new private school at the start of year instead of the middle.

Grandmother is looking forward to getting to know these two teens but had not considered paying school fees for them. She is now concerned there will be a rift in the family if she doesn’t. She could just about afford it, but it would impact on her lifestyle. Her son could not afford private school fees, and she knows his fiancée assumes she will pay as she commented it was a great perk of being in the family,

I am a good friend of grandmother and My view is she should explain to her son this situation. This lady doesn’t know these teens well at all, and paying thousands of pounds for their schooling seems too much. But neither of have experience with step families. Are we being too hard nosed?

OP posts:
iMatter · 14/09/2018 21:14

Good grief.

Talk about grabby.

It's up to whoever pays the fees to decide how long they pay the fees for and whose fees they pay.

That's why I would never ever rely on anyone else to pay for my dc's education.

Also, I assume the poor woman paid for her own kids. Why on earth would she pay for her grandchildren. Grabby and entitled.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/09/2018 21:15

Tiger your update on her son really doesn't paint him a good light :( And it makes any long-term commitment to the step-children seem more unreasonable since chances of any relationship continuing if he breaks up with fiancee must be pretty close to zero.

Original poster
Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 21:17

Oh dear. Perhaps this lady was joking? My friend didn’t think so but I didn’t hear the conversation. She doesn’t know the lady well and my knowledge of the son made me beieve he would behave in this manner! But maybe we have been too quick to judge.

I will advise her to suggest raising the jokey comment with her son. It may be a storm in a teacup.

OP posts:
slithytove · 14/09/2018 21:18

How many years of education do the step grand children have left

hayli · 14/09/2018 21:21

No way. Tell your friend ti say no and to be firm on it.

Original poster
Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 21:23

I don’t know the children’s exact ages. They are younger teens - I would guess around 13 and 15.

OP posts:
Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 14/09/2018 21:30

Sounds to me that dil-to be..isn't a CF she's a gold digger.

No way should your friend pay.

MrsChollySawcutt · 14/09/2018 21:32

Wow that's a fantastic example of cheeky fuckery from the fiancée. Extremely presumptive and rude.

Unless she has been told that the GM will pay their fees by the prospective husband.

YankeeDad · 14/09/2018 21:34

It sounds as though the source of the issue may be the son, who is trying to get a "fairer share" (in his own mind) of his mother's generosity. I.e. this may be his own cheekyfuckery, not his fiancées.

If I understood OP correctly, the son has one child and his sister has two children, hence the three grandchildren, and currently his mother is paying two sets of school fees for his sister's DC but only one set of school fees for his own child, which he might see as "unfair".

Hence, maybe the son might see a contribution of 2x 50% school fees for his two new stepchildren as a way for him to start "getting his fair share".

To be clear I personally think that would be twisted thinking, since it's not his money and his mother is clearly within her rights to treat her own grandchildren differently from her newly acquired step grandchildren whom she did not choose, unlike her son, especially if that would require personal sacrifice on her part.

But, understanding what he may be thinking could be a useful step towards deciding what she wants to do and also how to then communicate her decision to her son.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2018 21:44

It’s an odd joke to say to your soon to be MIL... Really don’t think it is a joke

Gushpanka · 14/09/2018 21:51

15 year olds will be mid gcse course, probably yr 11, maybe 10. Very very few schools will accept a student mid yr 11 unless extenuating circumstances

Original poster
Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 21:52

Just to clarify, I only mentioned the adopted grandchild to explain my foremds concern is not about biological children. The adopted grandchild is, of course, one of the three grandchildren.

My friend and I were concerned we were being mean old ladies by not considering the future step children in the same way as the three grandchildren.

OP posts:
Glaciferous · 14/09/2018 21:53

This is nuts. Did the fiancée really say that? Even for the cheaper private schools, we are talking £15,000 a year per child. For some schools it might be £25,000 a year or more. I do not think this is appropriate for children that your friend doesn't know well and, crucially, hasn't offered to fund in this way.Your friend needs to talk to her son and make it clear that this offer is not on the table. I can't imagine teenagers would want to switch schools and leave their friends anyway!

My father offered to fund my daughter's school fees and I turned him down because I think it is my responsibility to provide for her, kind as the offer was.

Equal birthday presents etc is completely appropriate. Equal interest in the children's wellbeing is appropriate. Being expected to pay out as much as £50,000 a year without ever having been asked if it is OK is absolutely not.

The adoption thing is a red herring.

yesornoworld · 14/09/2018 21:57

I suppose the son will definitely make this difficult. My bets on the adopted GC. Doesn't matter if one of the existing GC was adopted. That child is parented by same set of parents and shares same grandparents. However step children already have existing GP from both sides plus not really the responsibility of any family member outside their mothers new partner. Then being a part of the family all depends on the marriage being a success. (So realistically friend could be investing in future strangers) Your friend seriously needs to make it clear that she is not responsible for step kids education. However if she wants to keep the peace and show some goodwill, then have a good chat on the basis of contributing a share towards fees if both step-kids existing GP (and/or parents) are willing to share the costs. After all they should be held liable if the CF of a DIL wants her kids getting private education. After all if everyone contributes, it is most likely very do able, as opposed to expecting your Friend to be sole sponsor and adjust her lifestyle to provide for a couple of kids who may or may not remain members of the family based on whether the marriage is successful or not. May sound harsh but it's a reality. Just feel bad for your friend being in a sensitive situation. But seriously DIL is a CF overall for assuming. And son is an entitled twat and very disrespectful of the mother.

C0untDucku1a · 14/09/2018 21:58

I agree i bet the son is the one saying fees will be paid.

Grandma should not be expected to pay fees. Thia is ridiculous. Together less than a year?!?!

7salmonswimming · 14/09/2018 21:58

I have to think this was a joke. Surely nobody could be this presumptuous (talking about the son here. His fiancée would only have this idea if he let her).

Uzicorn · 14/09/2018 22:04

@Havaina

Sad that he would fleece his DGM for 000's pounds for private school fees just to get one over his sister or impress a partner of 12 short months.i hope your friend doesn't indulge this shit.

^This

edwinbear · 14/09/2018 22:06

OP you and your friend are definitely not being mean old ladies. Your friend is incredibly kind and generous to be paying the three sets of fees she is and I can only hope her children are grateful.

Does the DIL have academic DC do you know? Because of course they do usually have to pass exams to get in, would they be likely to pass? If not, it may be less of an issue than she may think.

Original poster
Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 22:07

As many have pointed out, my friends son does not have the best character, or track record! I would, however, that he would not distinguish between his neices. His neither would be heart broken, and his sister (and daughter) livid.

I have rung her this evening and suggested it may have been a poorly executed joke. My friend hopes that is the case and is rehearsing how to bring this up. She darent tell her daughter who hasn’t taken well to he new fiancée (she tolerates her brother for her mother’s sake).

The son is my godson. I have clearly failed in my duty!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 22:15

No idea if the children are academic. Apparently they don’t say much to my friend, but I think most teenagers are like that with older relatives.

The older grand daughter is thriving at the school. Which, being charitable, it perhaps why the son may want this for his step children. The older girl travels with my friend and I on occasions, I doubt equal treatment will demanded in this respect! We are quite adventurous, but still wouldn’t appear to most teens.

However, it may have been a joke and hopefully this will be resolved.

Thank you all for your advice.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 14/09/2018 22:18

My suspicion is that it's the son that is the CF. He has probably fed the fiancé a tale of how his mum will pay the fees as she does it for his dd and all the GC.

The way she was so presumptuous and called it a perk of getting married makes me suspect that he has told he this will definitely be happening. She may well be mortified when she hears that it's never been offered and won't be happening.

Are the son and the fiancé likely to have further dc? It might get difficult if they do.

Would the fiancés dc even want to change schools. Most 15 years olds wouldn't.

Glaciferous · 14/09/2018 22:26

Even if a fifteen year old wanted to change schools, it would be an awful idea at this point! Why would anyone disrupt their child in that way so close to important exams?

DucksOnThePond · 14/09/2018 22:35

Sounds to me like it was an incentive for the new partner. Wrong on so many levels and DGM must not feel pressured into such an arrangement

Jamiefraserskilt · 14/09/2018 23:14

She is being a c.f... It is not about his sister "getting twice as much" but about your friend investing in her grandchildren. If it were the other way around, he would be very quiet. Assuming dgp will pay for her kids, whilst already in their GCSE stream in their current schools, is massively entitled and rude. If she wanted to stop the whole thing for them all right now, she could. She, presumably offered before. She is now being told, by a virtual stranger, to play fair with two kids she has no relationship with and, judging from his track record of overstating his financial situation, is unlikely to moving forwards. I may be wrong but a simple, conversation along the lines of..
I was a little confused by what cheekyfuturedil said, for a moment there, I thought she was assuming I would be paying school fees for two children I hardly know? I realised I may have misunderstood when I remembered you mentioning four other grandparents.
If he kicks off about fairness, just remind you it is not up to him how she spends her money but if he feels that strongly about it, perhaps she should reconsider the whole arrangement....which would be a terrible shame for granddaughter as she seems to be thriving in that environment...

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/09/2018 23:19

If more grandchildren cam along she would pay for them
she just would have to cut back on a lot of the luxuries which she had been enjoying in her retirement.

Your friend is creating future problems with this attitude - no matter how well intentioned.

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