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Original poster

School fees and step families

181 replies

Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 19:49

Looking for views.

Grandmother in family pays grandchildren’s school fees. Three grandchildren in total.

Son has just got engaged and will become step father to two secondary school age children. Custody of these children is shared 50-50 between parents. Two sets of grandparents actively involved.

Fiancée has just commented to her future MIL that it is a pity they didn’t get angaged before the start of the school term as the children could have enrolled in their new private school at the start of year instead of the middle.

Grandmother is looking forward to getting to know these two teens but had not considered paying school fees for them. She is now concerned there will be a rift in the family if she doesn’t. She could just about afford it, but it would impact on her lifestyle. Her son could not afford private school fees, and she knows his fiancée assumes she will pay as she commented it was a great perk of being in the family,

I am a good friend of grandmother and My view is she should explain to her son this situation. This lady doesn’t know these teens well at all, and paying thousands of pounds for their schooling seems too much. But neither of have experience with step families. Are we being too hard nosed?

OP posts:
MrsNacho · 14/09/2018 20:20

How old are the step children and how long have the son and future DIL been together.

iamnotanumber10 · 14/09/2018 20:23

Surely the son has told her that grandma will be paying? How would the fiancée even know who pays for what if he hasn’t told her?

Original poster
Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 20:24

She didn’t say no or really comment when it was brought up. She was shocked and didn’t really kno what to say. She doesn’t really remember her exact words. It it was something like oh right.

I think she will have to sit son down and have a chat. Hopefully he will be mature about it. He used to grumble to her that his sister got twice as much because she has two children versus his one!

We holiday together and I have joked I am not missing out on my winter sun just so she can avoid a strop form her forty year old son!

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 14/09/2018 20:24

It’s not a perk, it pure cheekiness.

Gp doesn’t have to,pay at all for the step-children. Someone needs to speak to future dial and son and explain this. Better to,do it sooner than later.

Noqont · 14/09/2018 20:25

Eh? It's not the grand parents place to pay for these children. Daughter in law to be sounds like a cheeky fucker.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/09/2018 20:25

If the DIL-to-be has just assumed it will happen because it does for the other grandchildren, that's crazy. But I think a far more likely scenario is that she isn't assuming but is going on what her fiance, the son, has told her will happen and he's the one who's a being entitled.

Grandmother needs to talk to son ASAP, not necessarily saying she will or won't be doing it (though I think there are lots of reasons why she shouldn't), but asking why they have made such a huge assumption and pointing out that it is very poor behaviour.

HappyFeet1212 · 14/09/2018 20:26

The grandmother needs to be open and transparent with the son, she needs to tall him she is confused by what his fiancée has said & she is concerned that he has mis-led her in some way. She needs to make it very clear that she wont be paying.....then stop worrying about it.

There are also the view of the other siblings to be taken into account here, I can't imagine they would be pleased that their mother would do without to pay for these teenagers.

Let him have his little shit fit, it wont last long, he wont risk being disinherited.

namechangedtoday15 · 14/09/2018 20:27

I agree that it's cheeky of DIL to be, but if son's daughter is paid for, has there been a conversation perhaps between son and DIL to be that all 3 of their children (her 2 plus his 1) will all be treated equally and DIL has misunderstood that to mean school fees paid too - just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt?

She needs to set out clearly that she's not prepared to pay. I agree however that if they go on to have children, and grandma ends up paying for that child, it gets really tricky. It would be hard for the DILs children to be "excluded" when son's older daughter and potential new child have schooling paid for.

Starlight345 · 14/09/2018 20:27

If I was grandmother I would have a word with Ds. Maybe he has told her she will pay.

londonrach · 14/09/2018 20:27

Suspect tbis relationship wont last long. Very strange new potential dil

Hengine · 14/09/2018 20:28

It sounds like a totally different relationship and set up to her other grandchildren.
She should not feel obligated to pay

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/09/2018 20:28

It's very cheeky. However, it more children do come along it could get quite tricky. Perhaps she could help of her son, the children's father and each set of grandparents pay 1/5 each. I would be surprised if the teens wanted to move to be honest.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 14/09/2018 20:30

I’m shocked that fiancé reckons that DGM is going to pay approx 30 grand a year to educate her kids!!!

Original poster
Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 20:30

Thank you everyone. Friend and I were concerned that we had outdated notions. I often see people here complain about step children be8ng poorly treated in families.

To and answer the question about how long they have been together, I think around a year. I first met her last chrIstmas, and I think they weren’t together very long. If memory serves he hadn’t met her children at that stage and it was the first time she had met his daughter.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 14/09/2018 20:32

She needs to say loud and clear that she can afford the 3 sets of fees she pays now, and no more. She has budgeted for their school careers, and is not able to pay for longer than that.

If the parents decide that all DC of the blended family must be treated the same, she understands. But hopes for the sake of the DC already in private school that they will consider keeping them there until the next natural break point, rather than withdrawing them all now.

Iscreamforbenandjerrys · 14/09/2018 20:32

Will the new wife's parents be paying half of their new step daughter's fees?

Surely the son must have told her that his mum would cover the fees? It's the most logical reason for the assumption. Your friend needs to have a frank conversation with her son.

RomanyRoots · 14/09/2018 20:33

They already have four grandparents

With this in mind your friend should not be paying for step grand children she will never know.
Surely, the kids won't want to move schools and leave their friends anyway.
Fiance is a cf of the highest order Grin
She needs to talk to her son and set him straight.

lovetherisingsun · 14/09/2018 20:33

He needs a new fiancee. No decent person would even think this.

BewareOfDragons · 14/09/2018 20:34

Fiancee was completely over stepping and presumption (and a CF to boot).

I would suggest that OP's friend talk to her son and tell him that while she is looking forward to getting to know his step children, they have two sets of grandparents of their own who should be helping them with private schooling if that is what they want to do. But it is not her responsibility to do this for them.

End of.

Cynara · 14/09/2018 20:34

If there's a possibility of more future grandchildren, your friend needs to consider what she would do if she did agree to pay these fees (I definitely don't think she should, by the way). If her lifestyle would be affected by paying the fees for these two children, would she be able to pay for any future biological grandchildren? If she couldn't, how would she feel, and what impact would that have on family relationships?

Trialsmum · 14/09/2018 20:35

So hang on a minute, the grandma is potential going to be paying for 5 grandchildren but only actually has one?! 😵

edwinbear · 14/09/2018 20:35

The fiancée is a CF of the highest order. These are not your friends grand children, she hardly knows them, outrageously entitled of the DIL to be to assume she is going to receive hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of fees from a stranger.

Chickoletta · 14/09/2018 20:36

Absolute CFery!

Iscreamforbenandjerrys · 14/09/2018 20:37

If granny new the step-grandchildren from when they were tiny and had accepted the role of their granny. If she had treated them equally for years and then treated them differently it might be a little bit more understandable for the DIL to be upset. She isn't granny though, she barely knows them.

BewareOfDragons · 14/09/2018 20:38

I suspect, btw, that son is going to be most offended and complain about the inequal' treatment.

It's not inequal. These are not young children that he will be taking on and raising; these are teenagers who are almost fully grown with two very involved parent sof their own (hence the 5050) and their own extended families. They are not his children or his mother's grandchildren.

Now if he and his fiancee get married and go on to have children of their own, yes, grandmother will have to take care about how she treats everyone in his family at birthdays and christmas, etc, but that is as far as it goes!

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