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Original poster

School fees and step families

181 replies

Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 19:49

Looking for views.

Grandmother in family pays grandchildren’s school fees. Three grandchildren in total.

Son has just got engaged and will become step father to two secondary school age children. Custody of these children is shared 50-50 between parents. Two sets of grandparents actively involved.

Fiancée has just commented to her future MIL that it is a pity they didn’t get angaged before the start of the school term as the children could have enrolled in their new private school at the start of year instead of the middle.

Grandmother is looking forward to getting to know these two teens but had not considered paying school fees for them. She is now concerned there will be a rift in the family if she doesn’t. She could just about afford it, but it would impact on her lifestyle. Her son could not afford private school fees, and she knows his fiancée assumes she will pay as she commented it was a great perk of being in the family,

I am a good friend of grandmother and My view is she should explain to her son this situation. This lady doesn’t know these teens well at all, and paying thousands of pounds for their schooling seems too much. But neither of have experience with step families. Are we being too hard nosed?

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 14/09/2018 23:24

No. She should not pay.

They have their own grandparents. 2 sets.

Phuquocdreams · 14/09/2018 23:37

Total craziness, she shouldn’t pay. It does seem likely that it is the son who is the CF - unless the new DIL is totally loopy!

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/09/2018 23:57

"She should say, "I'm glad you brought it up. I'm looking forward to splitting the fees for all five with the other step grandparents"

As suggested by a previous poster, I think this is the best plan ^

She should sit son and fiancee down, remind them of what fiancee had said and say that ... as she is sure they have already realised ... she obviously could not pay for school fees for five children, so (if they wished to move fiancee's children to private school) it seemed fairest that the fees for all five children were split between her and the fiancee's children's two sets of grandparents, so that each set of grandparents would pay one third of all five children's school fees.

Then I think you should come back and tell us how fast the son and his fiancee had decided not to move the step-children to private school.

categed · 15/09/2018 00:03

They are not her grand children so no she shouldn't pay and have to change her lifestyle. If her own children have more children then she can offer to help if she wishes. More children don't make it difficult as she will be thwir grandparent along with their other set. Yes you want step children to be fully accepted into families but they have their own families.
I think your friend needs to clearly say no ahe won't be paying.

Banana8080 · 15/09/2018 04:28

She’s... batshit.

LynetteScavo · 15/09/2018 06:44

Apart from saying an outright no, (which she should) the grandmother could suggest she would only consider paying school fees when the son adopts the children. And then it would be at the school of the grandmothers choice.

MeteorGarden · 15/09/2018 06:51

She 100% shouldn’t be paying for these children to attend private school. I’m quite schocked that this is even a consideration.

It’s not about biology but it is about them being members of her family and right now it sounds like she hardly knows them.

Cheby · 15/09/2018 06:53

Before everyone assumes it’s the DIL who is the cheeky fucker here, maybe find out what she’s been told by her fiancé. Sounds to me like he has been telling her the GM would pay. In which case she might be mortified when she realises that’s not the case.

ChooChooBeanz · 15/09/2018 07:01

No definitely not not your friends responsibility! Plus the biological grandparents would surely feel put out by it

Notveryadventurousname · 15/09/2018 07:52

Agree with virtually everything that has been said on the first two pages, then skipped to end due to time. Not excusing the DIL, but you have said your friend's son already feels aggrieved because he has only had one DC supported with school fees up to now and his sister has school fees paid for two DC. He probably sees this as a way to even up the 'deficit'.

He may well have told his fiance that his mother insists on paying for every child in the family etc and that it is all sorted. A massive assumption and overreach by both him and DIL though and I am amazed that she didn't start the conversation with your friend by thanking her for the (percieved) offer and talking it through to see how it would work from both sides. The son and DIL don't sound particularly thoughtful anyway.....marriage after only knowing each other a year when there are three DC involved seems impetuous to start with.

If your friend says no (as we all think she should), the son will still feel aggrieved and cause family tension. If your friend can't bear this, could she offer to put the equivalent of one extra set of fees per term (so evening up with sister), into a a nominated account controlled by herself or solicitor/accountan? Then offer to pay invoices for any extra tuition needed by the step GC from that. By the time they get to 16 she might have a better idea of whether the couple are staying together and know what her actual relationship with the step GC is like, also whether any further GC are likely to come along. At that stage she could offer a contribution from the account towards private sixth form, or if they stay in state sector again possibly private tuition in A level subjects or a small boost of cash on starting university or an apprenticeship etc.

If the son wanted to top this up by the same amount per month so it could be used to fund actual school fees for the two step DC, he could. If he has promised all three DC in his own new family will be treated equally, it is up to him to work that out, not your friend.

Fruitbatdancer · 15/09/2018 08:03

Fiancé is a CF.
Friend should say no can’t pay.
If other children comes along that she does want/ can afford to pay for that will be in 11 or more years time for secondary school so there is time for saving/ for the other kids to have left school etc and freed up funds.

Fruitbatdancer · 15/09/2018 08:04

Ps I suspect fiancé was sold this line by the son as a perk by way of encouraging her to stick around. They both sound grabby.

Ariclock · 15/09/2018 08:08

In your friends case I would call her son and ask him. If she doesn't feel confident then text him or ask her daughter to talk to him instead. She definitely should not be paying for his girlfriends kids. They're not her step grandchildren, she's only met them once for goodness sake.

Original poster
Tiger2113 · 15/09/2018 08:15

Not very adventurous- I will put that suggestion to my friend. I can’t show her the full thread as I have been critical of her son.

As you will have picked up I am very fond of this man’s daughter and I feel a little aggrieved he appears to be causing this issue on behalf of two children he hardly knows while practically ignoring his daughter. For someone so fond of private education, you would think he would attend the odd school concert or parents evening. However I darent say that!!

Let’s just say his daughter and her two little cousins are taken care off in my will - and I do t need to worry about offending any interlopers!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiger2113 · 15/09/2018 08:18

Just re read that. I have only met the step children once and have nothing at all against them. That sounded harsh.

I will of course remember them at Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiger2113 · 15/09/2018 08:26

In answer to another suggestion friend will not be telling her daughter. She is fabulously feisty and will go for the jugular! I fear it would bring years of annoyance over his treatment of his ex wife and daughter to the fore.

Ironically the best person to deal with this in that family would be his ex wife. She has mountains of patience, but can also be firm with him. She is also very loyal to my friend, and is like a second daughter. However, my friend knows it would be unfair to ask her to intervene.

OP posts:
Booklover18 · 15/09/2018 08:43

Relationship might not last - sounds like the son has boasted to his fiancée the benefits of being with him (ie taking advantage of his mum). When it’s made clear that is not happening the fiancée may well disappear. I agree with previous post to make it clear that your friend will not be paying for these two step grand children - that is the role for their own grandparents. I am gobsmacked by the cheekyness but I actually think the dil has been led on and promised something by the son - he’s a show off flash git when it’s not even his money!! She’s a potential gold digger!! Either way - do not pay for these kids!

FabulousTomatoes · 15/09/2018 08:45

Gosh, your friend must be loaded! And her children sound awfully spoilt. I hope this is resolved. Any dispute will be a good test of this relationship between the ds and the cf.

Xenia · 15/09/2018 08:53

Big red flag on the son's new wife here! Shwe sounds very money grubbing and assuming someone will pay for her children with a different father! Of course these big teens the children of some other man should not be paid for by the granny.

I think that should be made politely very clear - just a short note or email or text saying you are looking forward to getting to know them, but no school fees can be paid. It should not cause a rift. Had I married again I would not have expected a new husband never mind his parents to pay my children's school fees (which I paid myself). If this mother wants private schools for her children she needs to earn more money and pay them herself as loads of women do who work full time, take on second jobs etc etc.....

ShalomJackie · 15/09/2018 09:17

Actually I disagree that the best person to deal with this is his ex wife. This will come across to the new fiancee as a bitter ex trying to deprive her children their rights etc!!!

I think your friend should take the bull by the horns:

Sit her son down and say I am a bit mystified as to why CF thinks I will paying school fees for her children. Although I will welcome them all to the family and will buy them birthday and Christmas gifts etc, our relationship is not at a place where I will be paying school fees for them I thought I had better clear up any misunderstanding before CF started making plans in that direction unless her own parents are going to be funding it and I misunderstood.

I have experience of my own DS not be treated equally by my ILs and he has been in their lives for 20 years but I do understand why. It is also a reason we have made an adjustment in our own wills etc as he is unlikely to be left anything by them whereas our others (DH's son and our son) probably will.

MiddleClassProblem · 15/09/2018 09:23

I think OP was just the best person at “handling” the son not that she should do it that’s why she said they it would be unfair for her to intervene...

TidyDancer · 15/09/2018 09:50

I would bet my last penny this is all coming up because the son has presented paid school fees to his new wife as a done deal. It seems so out of the blue cheeky otherwise. If the son is really devious, he will have engineered it this way so as to shame his mother into paying. He may be well aware he's out of line.

Eliza9917 · 15/09/2018 10:23

Looking for views.

Grandmother in family pays grandchildren’s school fees. Three grandchildren in total.

Son has just got engaged and will become step father to two secondary school age children. Custody of these children is shared 50-50 between parents. Two sets of grandparents actively involved.

Fiancée has just commented to her future MIL that it is a pity they didn’t get angaged before the start of the school term as the children could have enrolled in their new private school at the start of year instead of the middle.

Grandmother is looking forward to getting to know these two teens but had not considered paying school fees for them. She is now concerned there will be a rift in the family if she doesn’t. She could just about afford it, but it would impact on her lifestyle. Her son could not afford private school fees, and she knows his fiancée assumes she will pay as she commented it was a great perk of being in the family,

I am a good friend of grandmother and My view is she should explain to her son this situation. This lady doesn’t know these teens well at all, and paying thousands of pounds for their schooling seems too much. But neither of have experience with step families. Are we being too hard nosed?

Ooooooh she's a cheeky bitch. I'd tell her to get fucked.

Needahairbrush · 15/09/2018 10:33

Wow, so forward & cheeky! A perk of the family?!?!
I bet it’s not a joke and she believes it’s going to happen. I bet she’s been led to believe it will happen by the son though. A blunt conversation is required quickly on this matter!

frenchknitting · 15/09/2018 10:33

This is why this sort of gift is a terrible idea, and I would never have accepted it for my kids in the first place. If she wanted to give her children or grandchildren money then she should have done that and let them spend it as they wished, IMO.

Now, her son is going to have a situation where he is raising 3 children and only one is in private education. That's not the grandmother's fault, but it is a difficult position for a blended family.