My son was assaulted at school and I don't like how the school handled it. But AIBU?

[ButAIBUtho]

My son is in year 7 so only a couple of weeks in.
Two things that could alter my reasonablility in what happened today
1- we're fresh out of Primary school, perhaps this is the norm for secondary school
2- I was horrifically bullied at school and beaten up regularly, I've no doubt this makes me extra jumpy with issues of bullying that may arise.

Today I get a phone call from pastoral at 1pm. They say my son has been punched in the face after he got into a 'fracas'. But they put ice on it and he's gone back to class.

That's it.

I ask is he ok? What happened? Who did it? How did the fight start? Is he ok to walk home? Will it happen again? How old was the kid?

They say they don't know. They just deal with first aid and to call his house.

I'm panicking because DS is a really gentle soul and quiet, least aggressive child I know and his kindness has always been pointed out by teachers at primary (again false sense of security?!).

So I'm calling the school for over an hour trying to get through to someone to find out wtf happened, and is my kid ok? I mean, aside from the ice on the cheek?!

Someone finally calls me back about 2.15pm, I ask what happened? They said they just spoke to my son and he got into a fight and the other child hit my son in the face, but they will get statements from everyone and find out what happened.
I asked if it would happen again? Is my son ok to walk home? Who is the other child?

They can't tell me who the kid is and they are going to investigate it.

I ask them if I can come and collect DS as I still don't know if he's ok (I wouldn't be if I'd just been punched!) and they said yes.

So I go down to the school, see DS waiting for me. I ask to speak to someone about what's happened.
In the mean time I talk to DS, I can see the bruises on his face (I've since taken photos) and ask him what happened.

DS was with a friend, child X called friend a pussy. My DS said "why are you calling him a pussy?"
Child X asks DS if he wants a fight? DS said no, Child X swings and DS. DS pushes him away, Child X falls down. He then gets up and punches DS 5 times in the face, a teacher pulls him off.

The friend DS is with has a black eye, earlier in the week Child X punched him and he's got massive bruising (DS says "worse than mine") and it looks terrible.

Half an hour passes and a woman saunters over. We go into a room, and she says "what do you want to know?"

I say I wanted to know what happened. DS has since told me, he also told me another child has been hurt. What happens next? Will the kid be punished? Will DS be ok to walk home safely in future?

She says "well first of all, your child got himself involved with this altercation. And I'll get statements from the adults who witnessed it to find out exactly what happened."

She's really rude and defensive with zero people skills. I'm feeling myself getting a panicky frustration and anger (I expect I was BU?!).

This conversation goes round in circles and I get absolutely no answers. I don't know how the child gets punished, I don't know how they stop it happening in future, I don't know if he's ok to walk home alone or if this kid is going to do it again.

All I know is they'll be getting statements.

I ask how the child will be punished? She said it depends what the statements say and what your son did.

She did admit that one of the teachers statements married up with what my son had said.

She was rude, abrupt and accusatory.
As I left I said she needed to work on her people skills. She said "I could say the same to you."

I walked out and just sat in the car and cried.
I'm a nurse if a child is hurt and a parent is irate, I do my best to calm them down and help them. That's my job.

Today my child was hurt, I wasn't reasurred in any way shape or form (on the contrary, the kid has form for assaulting children) and I've know idea if they contact me to discuss it further or what the fuck happens.

I'm just baffled. Is this normal for secondary?!
Is this how it is handled?

He was repeatedly punched ffs.

@ButAIBUtho

"This is something I'm beginning to realise I need to accept."

Please do not just accept this! It is not normal. It is not ok.

100% agreed @basicUsername

What doekdairy said.

The head of year job is to sort out that sort of things. I wouldn't expect him/her plus anyone working with them to all have been teaching all afternoon so much so that when an incident happens, it has to wait to be dealt with.

There is a serious safeguarding here.
At my dcs secondary, a child hitting another like this (starting with homophobic comment btw) wouod have been excluded.

Fair enough to take time to hear everyone version of the event BUT it’s also fair to let the different persons involved aware to the procedures in place. Incl what will the safeguarding put in place so this will not happen again.

This child has already hit several kids not even two weeks in. I would gather that the school needs to put something in place pretty sharp ish to protect all the other students.

@butAIBUtho id feel exactly the same as you hun. You weren't rude to the teacher just honest and I'd say exactly the same if somebody had attitude with me, very unprofessional of her to say 'I could say the same about you back aswel. You are just looking out for your son as regardless of the who what when and where's, he is the one who has been physical hurt!! Hope it gets sorted for you😊

ButAIBUtho I hope your son is ok. I am also a nurse and totally get your disbelief. I would never dream of answering someone back at work in such an unprofessional manner - surely nobody thinks it is acceptable that the teacher said "I could say the same to you"

This happens twice to my DC in year 7. In once instance there was a kick to the face and the ribs and I took photos of the resulting bruises I was so horrified.

I was contacted by the school to say what had happened, I was then contacted after statements had been made to tell me the outcome. It was dealt with. It's not right that it happens but they are all finding their way in a new big school and some kids are total shits.

I wouldn't have dreamed of racing down to the school and demanding to speak to someone. I would imagine it getting around the school that DC's mum had turned up at school and be worried it would result in mockery & bullying the the rest of DCs school time

It's not wrong to go and collect an injured child but being 'that parent' and demanding someone speak to you immediately before they have had a chance to take all witness statements in vu imho but I hope he is ok op.

I’m sorry this happened to your DS. If this happens to my DS I will take them out of the school immediately. Nobody will ever convince me that assault is ok or normal or acceptable. I couldn’t leave him somewhere where he wasn’t safe. If a man punches a woman once we say leave straight away. I never want my DC to feel trapped in an intimidating environment. My whole school life was like that. I won’t have that for them.

Of course you were emotional about - it’s your son! I think I would have been a bit in shock as well as worried, upset and confused. Like you, I think I would have understood in hindsight that your questions couldn’t be answered there and then but the member of staff’s approach sounded dreadful. You commented on it, and it would have been best if you hadn’t, but the fact is that the member of staff was there in a professional capacity, you were not. You were there in a very personal and emotional one and the staff member should have acted accordingly. I would definitely raise the way the member of staff handled this once the dust has settled a bit - not for punishment or retribution or anything like that, but as a means of it being handled with more understanding by whoever represents the school in any similar situation in the future.

I hope your son is ok, you must both be particularly shocked and upset that this has happened so soon in Y7. Be kind to yourselves over the weekend.

YANBU

I hope your son is ok. I'd be beside myself if this happened to my child. I'm really shocked at some of the responses you've had on here.

This is something I'm beginning to realise I need to accept.

No, don't accept it. Keep your cool. Ask for a meeting. Go into the meeting as a responsible parent. Speak calmly about your expectations, the fact your son was defending himself and his friend.

We had a similar incident in year 7. The head and pastoral teacher saw that my child was not the troublemaker and that he was a good child with good parents. He's in year 10 now, never had any other trouble. My son is doing well academically and is liked by the teachers. The other children involved have since been 'moved' to other schools or are continually in trouble.

By all means call the police. They will bat it back to the school and/or tell you to await the results of the investigation. I usually get a call from the police to ask for our notes on the investigation, they sometimes send a CSO to talk to the agressor at school. With fights, that is usually it, especially with younger children. Ive bern a HOY for 10 years - Ive dealt with these issues more times than I would wish. The time it takes for an investigation is longer than you think. No way could they have got it all done in one afternoon - whether they were teaching or not. The member of staff who you spoke to should have been more reassuring. Her manner (as you have described it) was rude. This doesn't happen in every school and you do not have to accept it. But, give them a chance to act before you decide what to do next.

Wow some people really do amaze me. You are definitely not being unreasonable and shouldn't be getting a hard time. If this was my son I'm sure I would feel the same. I hope he's ok.

OP - posting in here should be taken with a pinch of salt. A lot of the posters are basically mad and will say any old shit as long as it's contrary and the opposite of what any sensible loving mum would do

The police would be overkill. Expecting the school to reassure you IMMEDIATELY that this won't be happening again and what steps they're taking is completely normal.

Yes they have to investigate. They can do that whilst making sure this boy can't hurt your son again.

I would report this to the police even if its just to get a record of what's gone on these bullies are protected by the school and will continue their reign of terror my niece was assaulted several time and the school did nothing until they involved the police

Coldrain - I think you need to go back and read the OP again and maybe work on your comprehension skills.

OP - no you aren't being unreasonable and no this isn't normal behaviour for secondary school. I hope your DS is ok and everything is sorted quickly.

I can't believe some of he answers on here.

Op, you’ve received some unpleasant responses.

I swear sometimes that there are posters reading an entirely different thread.

How is your son now Op? That sounds like a pretty intense thing to go through at such a young age. The kid is 12 fgs. Still a kid just out of primary.
It must be horrendous to have had a call like that out of the blue . And then that was compounded by the meeting you had with the Head. I would have expected a lot more from her, both in terms of her ability to empathise and to tell you their bullying/behaviour policies. She and the school have a duty of care to keep the children safe. I don’t blame you for going to the school and to seek reassurance that when her son comes home in the afternoon it won’t be with a black eye or broken nose. Ffs, not really an unreasonable expectation. This incident would be a red flag to me, The Head is telling you how she is and it’s up to you now to decide what to do. I’d personally do a diary event from now, detailing what happened with your son, in his words.the fact you were told that an adult statement marries your son’s etc. Hopefully you won’t need to write anything else in it .

What’s this bollocks about Op’s dc starting a fight? Give over. In what world is it better to take a punch then push your attacker away? There are kids who behave aggressively and those who don’t. The child was defending himself. Unfortunately, as he has found out, that won’t stop someone who wants to be violent and it may likely rile the aggressor more. And to make the decision in a split second. How many of the posters on here have been punched in the face, five times!!, by a near stranger but who shares space with you every day?

I have to run now as I’m supposed to be cooking as it’s DD’s last night home before uni but I was reading the pasting the Op was getting and felt I had to stick my beak in too.

Op you don’t need to accept that your son will be bullied and that this is normal in school. Personally, I would go to the police because I would not trust the school or the woman you spoke with to deal with the incident. Escalate to the police and putting in complaint ensures that the incident is logged for the future.

Actually, I think MNHQ should put this:

OP - posting in here should be taken with a pinch of salt. A lot of the posters are basically mad and will say any old shit as long as it's contrary and the opposite of what any sensible loving mum would do

... permanently at the very top of the aibu board.

I wouldn't have dreamed of racing down to the school and demanding to speak to someone.

How remarkably restrained of you.

Mumsnet is a weird place at times. I have no experience of this as my kids are younger but my mouth is actually hanging open at both the way you have been treated by the school and the posters saying YABU! WTAF? He was punched 5 times in the face! How could anybody be expected to send their child back the same school the next day having had no reassurance from his teachers that he will not be in actual danger? Stay angry OP and get this sorted out. Your boy needs you!

OP I am a secondary school teacher and I have no idea why you are getting such a hard time on here.

YABU to expect them to have already dealt with the situation the same afternoon. Taking statements and gathering evidence is normal practice. I would strongly suspect that if this is the second time in a week that this boy has hit someone he would be isolated in school for a bit anyway but in reality they can't promise you that your son is safe walking home.

However YANBU to think that the member of staff speaking to you was being rude and unprofessional:
As I left I said she needed to work on her people skills. She said "I could say the same to you." she acted unprofessionally by saying this. It's not tit for tat with parents, teachers have to rise above the angry and distressed parents. She would have had every right to tell you that she wasn't prepared to talk to you anymore as you were being aggressive but to actually insult you was not on and it certainly doesn't sound like she dealt with the situation very well at all.

Be reassured the school will deal with it and get to the bottom of things. I would send a carefully worded email asking for feedback once statements are gathered. I do suspect though that you haven't got the full story from your son. Do you know what prompted the boy to call his friend a pussy for example. No amount of arguing excuses beating somebody up though.

I would feel exactly the same as you if someone punched my son 5 times. It's extreme behaviour and there a no way that boy won't be getting into a lot of trouble.

OP just wanted to say some of the responses you’ve had on here have been appalling. I have a secondary aged child and I would not be happy if it had been dealt with in the way you describe, no way. No child should go to school and be physically assaulted. You’ve had some good advice on here from people more experienced than me. Please don’t accept this is ok, stay calm, give your son lots of tlc this weekend and follow up with the school as others have detailed.

I think the incident itself isn't unheard of for secondary school but the way the school are handling it leaves a lot to be desired, and the way you were spoken to was incredibly rude.

HermioneGoesBackHome

The head of year job is to sort out that sort of things. I wouldn't expect him/her plus anyone working with them to all have been teaching all afternoon so much so that when an incident happens, it has to wait to be dealt with

Unfortunately that is usually the case. A lot of teachers have seen their teaching loads rise with budget cuts and the vast majority of heads of year would teach most of the week. We used to have non teaching heads of year at one school I worked at but things changes and that school has got teachers as HOY again. (It's money saving)

YAB (understandably) U.

You are totally right to be concerned. You are totally right to want it dealt with.

However,
Asking repeatedly for details about other students is unreasonable
Asking for what is happening to another student is unreasonable

Schools have to investigate and take statements from all involved and witnesses. Given this happens around stay actually teaching (unless you happen to have entirely non teaching pastoral staff and free members of SLT in enough numbers to coordinate the investigation) then it's not going to happen within an hour on an afternoon.

My guess on the is he ok/can he walk home is that schools are increasingly careful with what they say because there are some crazy people who like to twist things and try to kick off. (We've been told that even if it's a common sense situation, we don't say anything vaguely medical to a child unless we are a nominated first wider because someone had complained about a non issue). School can't say nothing will happen if they walk home because they are not supervising or staffing the route home for all students. Equally, they've informed you about his injuries and he's not gone to hospital. If there were serious concerns then he would have had more than an ice pack to the cheek.

And finally, nobody is saying it is ok to be punched! Nor is there some silly mumsnet teacher conspiracy group where we plan on how to defend schools to the end. People are just saying that you actually have to give it more than an hour for things to be dealt with and you can't have whatever information you want about another child.