My son was assaulted at school and I don't like how the school handled it. But AIBU?

[ButAIBUtho]

My son is in year 7 so only a couple of weeks in.
Two things that could alter my reasonablility in what happened today
1- we're fresh out of Primary school, perhaps this is the norm for secondary school
2- I was horrifically bullied at school and beaten up regularly, I've no doubt this makes me extra jumpy with issues of bullying that may arise.

Today I get a phone call from pastoral at 1pm. They say my son has been punched in the face after he got into a 'fracas'. But they put ice on it and he's gone back to class.

That's it.

I ask is he ok? What happened? Who did it? How did the fight start? Is he ok to walk home? Will it happen again? How old was the kid?

They say they don't know. They just deal with first aid and to call his house.

I'm panicking because DS is a really gentle soul and quiet, least aggressive child I know and his kindness has always been pointed out by teachers at primary (again false sense of security?!).

So I'm calling the school for over an hour trying to get through to someone to find out wtf happened, and is my kid ok? I mean, aside from the ice on the cheek?!

Someone finally calls me back about 2.15pm, I ask what happened? They said they just spoke to my son and he got into a fight and the other child hit my son in the face, but they will get statements from everyone and find out what happened.
I asked if it would happen again? Is my son ok to walk home? Who is the other child?

They can't tell me who the kid is and they are going to investigate it.

I ask them if I can come and collect DS as I still don't know if he's ok (I wouldn't be if I'd just been punched!) and they said yes.

So I go down to the school, see DS waiting for me. I ask to speak to someone about what's happened.
In the mean time I talk to DS, I can see the bruises on his face (I've since taken photos) and ask him what happened.

DS was with a friend, child X called friend a pussy. My DS said "why are you calling him a pussy?"
Child X asks DS if he wants a fight? DS said no, Child X swings and DS. DS pushes him away, Child X falls down. He then gets up and punches DS 5 times in the face, a teacher pulls him off.

The friend DS is with has a black eye, earlier in the week Child X punched him and he's got massive bruising (DS says "worse than mine") and it looks terrible.

Half an hour passes and a woman saunters over. We go into a room, and she says "what do you want to know?"

I say I wanted to know what happened. DS has since told me, he also told me another child has been hurt. What happens next? Will the kid be punished? Will DS be ok to walk home safely in future?

She says "well first of all, your child got himself involved with this altercation. And I'll get statements from the adults who witnessed it to find out exactly what happened."

She's really rude and defensive with zero people skills. I'm feeling myself getting a panicky frustration and anger (I expect I was BU?!).

This conversation goes round in circles and I get absolutely no answers. I don't know how the child gets punished, I don't know how they stop it happening in future, I don't know if he's ok to walk home alone or if this kid is going to do it again.

All I know is they'll be getting statements.

I ask how the child will be punished? She said it depends what the statements say and what your son did.

She did admit that one of the teachers statements married up with what my son had said.

She was rude, abrupt and accusatory.
As I left I said she needed to work on her people skills. She said "I could say the same to you."

I walked out and just sat in the car and cried.
I'm a nurse if a child is hurt and a parent is irate, I do my best to calm them down and help them. That's my job.

Today my child was hurt, I wasn't reasurred in any way shape or form (on the contrary, the kid has form for assaulting children) and I've know idea if they contact me to discuss it further or what the fuck happens.

I'm just baffled. Is this normal for secondary?!
Is this how it is handled?

He was repeatedly punched ffs.

biscuit Do you think all of us are teachers then? And demand what you want but it won’t get you far. I imagine the op will ce called into speak to the head when they know what’s what.

You can ask the school for their policy on dealing with incidents like this, they should have a written document. But as others have said, give them time to complete the investigation.
Also bear in mind that the other child is a child and there are laws in place to protect them as well. The school will not inform you of what action they take against him, in the same way they wouldn’t discuss your DS’s disciplinary issues with other parents.
If you aren’t satisfied with what you are told then there are processes to escalate your complaint but be realistic about what you ask.

When the statements have been taken, the incident has been investigated and a conclusion reached, you can speak to the school then and put forward your questions.

Until then, YABU.

Im a head of year. I would not have handled the conversation with you in the same manner as the person you spoke to did. Your kid has been hurt and you are in lioness mode. That's fine, you are allowed to be upset and ny job would be to calm and placate you so that I could investigate. I would absolutely advise you that I needed to take statements - things are rarely black and white and I'd need the full picture before deciding on sanctions. I couldnt tell you the sanctions today. I would not be drawn into discussing the other pupil or how the fight got started- at this point, it is under investigation. You would leave with a promise that, once I'd got the statements and had a firm handle on the situation, I would update you. Remember, the other child will have their version of events that I will need to investigate. Imagine their parent comes back with 'well yes, he did swing first but it was because the other child called him an offensive name, he was defending himself as he was bullied though primary....' etc. I've got to get this right so I need to remain impartial. Fwiw, even if your son did say something horrible, we as a school would still agree that a response of punching someone 5 times in the face was disproportionate and that child would be punished. I wouldnt discuss the punishment with you, though. It isnt your child. Id tell you that the consequence I issued was inline with our behaviour policy, and if you look at the policy you would see that a first offense results in an internal exclusion, a phonecall and letter home. Id hope you would read between the lines. You've had a massive upset and your baby is hurt. Focus on looking after him and be kind to yourself Give them until Tuesday evening to get back to you (statements take much longer than you think - pupils are often seen more than once) and see what the outcome is. If it isnt satisfactory, email the headteacher outlining your concerns and ask for a meeting.

Telling her she needs to work on her people skills is rude!
Sirzy, if that's the only 'insult' that nurses had to cope with from patients, they would probably be a lot less stressed! Yes, I would accept that 'insult' it's nothing. And it happens when a parent is scared and stressed when their child is hurt. It is my job to calm them, reassure them, and help their child.

THEN they will deal with what they have and will give you whatever feedback they can.
Do I? Do I get feedback? The school haven't told me this. They told me nothing. There's no follow up or plan at all. I have absolutely no idea what happens next despite me asking.

The op isn’t getting a hard time at all.

ButAIBUtho you will find out. The school won’t tell you but the kids will know. Just like your DS told you about him hitting the other kid.

By close of play Monday your DS will know exactly what happened the the other child and then you go to the school if they don’t deal with it.

It’s not about not going to then ever. It’s about giving them time to see how they deal with it first and then picking them up on anything they are lax with.

I get that this is a horrible phone call to receive and situation to be in. I work in a pastoral team and just had my first child so I can totally see it from both sides.

They should have had better information as to the condition of your child. Not just it's iced and he's back in class that's not acceptable.

However unfortunately with the rest of the stuff the school is not allowed to release names or punishments or any other information to anyone other than the parent or guardian of that child. I understand how this is frustrating especially having been on the end of a phone with a parent screaming at me for more information. It's just not an option we can't do it.

I'm sure the school will be dealing with it, however if you don't feel that they are then you do have steps that you can take such as a formal complaint, meeting with the head, writing to the governors etc.

Personally I would wait until the school have had chance to investigate and see what comes from it.

Hope your son and his friend are feeling better soon!

And I am horrified and how accepting pp are of the OPs kid being assaulted, reread what happened imagining it's your first day at a new job, we expect kids to put up with so much more than we would.

School won't give you details of who the other child was even if it is proved to be all his fault. They just won't, to stop angry parents waiting outside schools for children.

Punishment is likely to go from:
Detention (though probably not for fighting)
Single day internal exclusion for first offence
Maybe similar for second offence
More days internal exclusion for further offences
Eventually fixed term exclusion
Managed move
Full exclusion

your child was not assaulted.

Your child started a fight

your child is likely to be excluded, I should imagine.

No the school staff can't drop everything and rush to open the door for you and lay on the hospitality when you feel like dropping in.

No the school cannot give you any information at all about the other child. Including if he is punished, or how,

That's awful op!I'd be horrified tbh - wtf is wrong with this school if 12 year olds are randomly punching other 12 year olds in the face and this is their response?

I may be pfb, but as an ex-sensitive kid who went to utterly shit, rough schools I'd be looking at other alternatives - you don't want your ds to think this is normal, because it's not.

OP, whenever there's a thread on here that's in any way critical of teachers or school, you always get a load of teachers replying telling you that you're silly and the school is always right. They're a very defensive lot.

You think everyone on this thread that thinks the OP understabdably is being unreasonable is a teacher? You are wrong and seem to have a bit of w chip on your shoulder.

I'm glad you rushed down to check up on your son! The utter humiliation this would have afforded him will go a long way to teaching him not to behave like that in the future!

@ButAIBUtho
No you are not BU
Your son tried to stop a repeat of previous violence towards his BF.
Your son protected himself in self defense.
I have been in a similar situation. And sought support in terms of safeguarding from my DSis who is a teacher.
Contact school ask for a copy of safeguarding and bullying policies.
Ask they formulate all statements etc by the end of the week and ask for a meeting early next week with head of year, pastoral and behaviour leads.
And say that you want to know how they are going to ensure your son is safeguarded as is their legal responsibility else you will be talking to the governor's and Ofsted.

coldrain how was her child not assaulted? he was punched five times in the face. outside of school the police would be called.

how did he start the fight? he defended himself from being punched.

why would he be excluded? the other child has form having punched another child the previous week.

how would you react if this was your child?

If it happened to him again I would go to the police. If I was sure my son would come out of it well, not a two-way fight etc. I say that as a teacher.

This thread is the prime example of a MN post where everyone twists things and just lays into OP.

All those so blasé about extreme violence (because being punched 5 times in the face is extreme violence), would you be so calm if it was your own child? If so, why?

You are getting a hard time here OP.

If it was other people's DC, I doubt they would be so quick to criticise their child pushing someone away who was trying to hit them.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. From every person I know that has had a child bullied, the bully always seems to be the one protected by the school. Schools do sweet FA.

In your position, I'd call the police to report an assault on your child.

Given that even your son's own account, which is likely to be heavily slanted in his favour, describes him as being the person who started the fight, I think you need to prepare yourself to hear very much worse of his behaviour, once the investigation is complete.

Given that you rushed down to the school, demanded staff leave their jobs to deal with you, get the hump when this isn't instantaneous, seemingly clueless that maybe that staff member would have had to find someone to sit with her class, set them work, etc,

given your unrealistic demands, and rudeness to the staff, I would not be at all surprised if you receive a warning yourself.

i would consider calling the police too, you wouldn't accept this if it was an adult so why do we allow children to be treated this way?

"This thread is the prime example of a MN post where everyone twists things and just lays into OP. "

Exactly what I was thinking @YeTalkShiteHen

Nobody would put up with being punched in the face at work, why the fuck is it ok in school?!!

In your position, I'd call the police to report an assault on your child

really, the OPs child hit first, and has admitted that, and maybe has done a lot more he hasn't admitted, call the police, by all means, the OPs child will be getting a police record.

I do agree that we undermine school violence and I do think particularly amongst boys some schools accept it as one of those things.
It's still assault. I've seen the police come out for a 14 year old boy who was attacked and assaulted at the weekend but similar happen in schools and them get isolation.

My dc was threatened with a knife in school. School policy is that it is immediate expulsion. I only knew something had happened as dc told me. I rang school twice for reassurance they were dealing with it and that my child was safe in school while they did. They didn't even call me back.
The child was placed in isolation for three days then back in class with my dc.

I understand schools won't tell you who the other child was and I understand why. I do not think it's unreasonable though for school to reassure that the child is safe in school while they are investigate.

Tbh if I picked my kid up with a bruised face from being punched at an out of school activity I would be pretty cross. I don't see why being in school makes it acceptable.