To find it impossible to cut down on drinking

[namechange2117]

NC'd for obvious reasons.

I'm 35 and have been what I would describe as a heavy drinker for the past 12 years. I used to make sure I had a few days off alcohol on 2 or 3 nights per week, but in recent years I've started drinking every night almost without exception.

On a quiet night in I'll drink a bottle of lager and between three-quarters and a full bottle of red wine to myself; and if I'm out with DH it can be four or five large glasses of wine plus several cocktails. I'd say I drink about 70-80 units per week on average, which is alarming when you consider the government's recommended amount for women is 14 units.

I'm typing this after waking up with yet another bad hangover this morning, not getting out of bed until midday (we don't have DC's!) and struggling to do any work at all today as a result of feeling so rough. The drinking regularly affects my work performance and I'd say I lose at least a day - maybe more - a week due to being hung over.

Today I feel awful physically with an aching head, nausea and exhaustion. I'm also irritable, depressed and ashamed/worried that I've wasted a full day's work, which I will now have to catch up over the weekend.

I wish I could cut right down on alcohol to the point where I'm only consuming 20 units per week at most, with at least four days off each week. I'm worried about my health and ashamed of how I've made a fool of myself on several occasions due to alcohol - falling over at a recent party in front of guests and slurring my speech being two examples. The amount of money I spend on booze is far too much and DH and I do want to TTC at some point too.

The problem is that I'm just really struggling to kick the habit. I really enjoy the taste of alcohol and the feeling of "relaxing with a glass of wine after a long day". I feel like I drink mainly to escape the pressures of work (I'm self-employed and whilst I do enjoy my job, it's also very stressful) and of life in general (I'm a very anxious person and don't really enjoy socialising). DH is also a big drinker which doesn't help, and much of our free time revolves around alcohol - dining out and or drinking down the pub.

Am I being unreasonable to carry on drinking like this and to not have the will power to cut down?

Hi OP. I don't think you are BU to find it hard to cut down/cut out the booze, but I don't think anyone would find it easy.
Is it something you could speak to you GP about it you're concerned about your health? Have you considered cutting it out completely rather than trying to ration it? One leads to two and all that.

Good luck x

I don't think you will be able to cut down, you probably need to quit.

To do this you will need to have something to do to help, for example if you drink after work, go swimming or do an activity you enjoy, buy a reward bar of chocolate or some posh cheese ( whatever you love) as a reward.

Avoid social situations for a period of a couple of weeks whilst you focus on your health/pamper yourself and can practice saying l would like a tonic water/alcohol free beer etc. so when you are out you know what to ask for instead of alcohol.

I developed a bad reaction to most alcohol 15 years ago,

after a blinding 36 hours of excruciating headaches and severe upset stomach...after only 2 glasses of champagne and 1 small glass of wine.....l said enough.

I very rarely drink now and it really is just not an issue, you can get a powerful sense of wellbeing and relaxation from exercise, l love yoga and can do it at home.

No one cares whether l drink alcohol or not when out. l can always get up with my children feeling fine, even after a party night, skin is clearer and moods stable...really there is so much in favour of not drinking or drinking very little. Plus it saves a fortune!

Find your alternative thing and build a daily routine you like, persist for a month come hell or high water and you will have cracked it!

Good luck

l occasionally have the odd drink but hate how it makes me feel, fuzzy headed and tired.

Hi OP

As the child of an alcoholic can I say that you can really only quit if you totally quit. A family member of your age did this last year and it was hard for her - but she said there are facebook support groups which she find help her.

There is a thread on here by people who are cutting down on alcohol but I think if you are consuming at the level you are that it is an addiction and you can only go cold turkey.

You will have to do it yourself and it is great that you have decided to do it. Try to find a support group that you like either on social media or in RL. Many people who drink a lot do so to relax in social situations or after a stressful day. I have given up alcohol this week as I am studying and I need to focus, so I decided to try it. Perhaps do as I am doing and just give it up for a limited time - and if that works and you feel great, then extend it.

Your DH probably won't quit with you so you will have to plan around that - the groups might have some ideas. But he may cut down if you are not drinking in the evening.

Best of luck with it - I'm sure you can do it for yourself and your health.

My mother just died of an illness related to alcoholism.
It started with her drinking a couple of bottles a wine a night then it spiralled when those bottles weren't enough.

She turned yellow, she had drains in her stomach, she was in excruciating pain. She was 54.

If you feel that you can't cut down, then you need to quit.
Go to your GP.

TTC and bringing children into a situation where you and your partner both (on your own admission) drink incredible amounts is selfish.

You sound as though you have a problem. Fix it, before it's too late.

Am I being unreasonable to carry on drinking like this and to not have the will power to cut down?

YANBU. Most alcoholics find it difficult to stop. If you really want to address your problem, then go and seek professional help.

we don't have DC's Thank goodness.

YANBU to find it hard, however, you have admitted there is a problem and that's the first step.

I would suggest speaking to your GP as a first step. It isn't healthy to drink as much as you are doing.

You need help OP, I hope you find it in you to do something about this before there are serious consequences on your health.

Ahhhh, @NameChange2177, I think you already know that you're alcohol dependent and that the only answer is to stop drinking, forever. It's a really scary realisation, especially because it feels like you're never going to be able to enjoy anything else, ever again, because you tell yourself that alcohol = fun!

I'm an alcoholic. I've been in recovery for 6 years, and I'm very proud to be able to say that. Being an alcoholic is only humiliating if you're still drinking.

Admitting it to yourself is the first (very daunting) step. You're going to need the support of your partner, family and close friends. There are so many different charities and groups out there who can help you. Addaction were really big in my area, and had plenty of groups (not just group chats, also crafts, walking clubs and various other activities) and they really helped to keep me busy, particularly in those early days.

You've got a great incentive right now (TTC), so it's the perfect time. You can do this. I wish you strength.

Please get some help with your alcohol problem.

Cutting back is unrealistic.

If your DH has an alcohol problem too (which seems likely) and won’t see or address it you may also need to do it alone.

Please don’t even think about ttc until after a long stretch of sobriety, for both of you.

Have you thought about soda club-they could help?

I gave up drinking 9 months ago by listening to Alan Carrs how to control alcohol book on audible. I was drinking the same sort of amount as you and was worried about my health and was starting to look rough. I was also worried about being caught over the limit driving to work in the morning. The book literally changed my life. I have no desire to drink now. It’s like a switch was flicked in my brain and I just don’t want it.. I don’t miss it at all. Life is better without it.

I’m in Ibiza at the mo for for some closing parties and I’ve saved myself an absolute fortune and discovered that none alcoholic mojitos taste the same as alcoholic ones! Everyone else is drinking but I just don’t see the point.

If you’ve reached the point that you’re realising enough is enough with alcohol then give it a go :)

Op have you visited your dr to tell them you have a drinking problem, and want to quit or cut down but can't manage it on your own, also check and see if there are any support groups in your area..

Also set yourself an incentive for cutting back...e.g a holiday, buying something you really want etc...and each time you cut back even if its one lager less that you drank, put the money you would have spent on it I the incentive jar...as the money starts to save up ,it may help keep you focused on cutting back if it gives you a reward /goal for doing so

"AIBU to find it is impossible to cut down in drinking?"

Yes, YABU

There's a topic on MN which you might find helpful

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support

There are also long-running support threads for those seeking to cut out or cut down on their drinking.

as this really isn't as AIBU subject, and I'm not sure what sort of answers you wanted by posting here, rather than a less extreme topic.

Being unable to control your drinking isn't a matter of being reasonable ir unreasonable, and your report of your consumption (something people generally under-report, so I'm taking it as minimum not a maximum amount) isnstaggering and at the level where you could cause yourself real harm. But at least you don't have DC yet, because being brought up by a heavy drinking alcoholic isn't fun and may not even be safe.

Harsh what I'm saying? Hell yes. But this is so serious I'm not in the mood to fluffy up the message. Only you can change, and only when yuh are really committed to so doing. And yah do not sound remotely ready, I'm afraid. It's a truism that you have to hit rock bottom before you can start to turn things round. No-one can tell you where you will find that point. For your sake, I hope it's before you cause permanent damage to yourself (whether that's health or criminal record, loss of your business etc). Because some people,e to drink all those things away, because it is an addiction, it is a disease, and if you think you can gpdeal with it softly softly then you may find it is some time before you can tackle it at all.

I was drinking a similar amount to you, maybe not every night, but it was often 5 nights a week. I slept terribly and although I wasn't hungover in the morning (which is a worry in itself!), I didn't feel great. My skin's horrible and I would wake up in the night worrying about heart attacks, liver disease, cancer etc and how I really don't want to die young (I'm 40).

I don't think I'm an alcoholic per second because I can not drink if I need to, but I just didn't want to! The problem I have is that firstly I like the taste and secondly I can't stop once I start.

In the end, it's the sleeping which has won me over. I love getting a full jghts sleep and not waking up with sweats several times a night.

We also worked out how much money we could save for things like holidays if we stopped. It's only been a week (!) but I feel much better for it and we've set ourselves the goal of not buying alcohol for at least a month (but can have a drink of out at social events, not that we do much of that!).

Why not try it for a night and see how you sleep and how feel in the morning? You may feel it's enough to make you want to do it again and again.

Good luck!

did you see the program made by Adrian Chiles the other week i think for BBC he was drinking 70+ units per week and still functioning I suggest you watch it on iplayer he found it difficult to cut down but has to admit he is basically a functioning alcoholic sounds like you are too but now always quite functioning you may need to be teetotal

I think you’ve had some good advice here but wanted to add that maybe it’s worth considering that you’re likely self medicating as you describe yourself as an anxious person. Maybe chat to your GP about better ways (possibly medically) that you can deal with that.

Ultimately you have to want to and in an ideal world so does your partner. I get addiction (nicotine for me) but you either need the willpower or motivation. The fact you’re already concerned but not scared enough to not drink suggests that you need a higher level of support.

I think you are drinking to deal with your anxiety and stress. Not a good way to medicate yourself.

I agree with those that say you need to seek medical advice.

Hi OP I would say that you are an alcoholic and need to get professional help. Make an appointment with your GP to discuss getting help to quit drinking. Also get your liver checked out. Does your DP have a drink problem too? If so, you should get help together. It would be difficult if only one of you tries to quit. Also, look at your friends. Do you all have a drinking lifestyle? You may need to find some new teetotal friends! Giving up will be hard but not impossible. It involves a change in your lifestyle. Counselling may help you to understand why drinking is important to you. Good luck x

If you can’t just stop drinking, you have a problem. I am the child of two alcoholics. It is a horrible environment for a child.

Please seek assistance in quitting. Some people do manage to switch to drinking responsibly, but many find that they must abstain completely. If you are struggling to quit, you may need medical supervision to taper down your consumption safely and assistance figuring out why you are drinking in the first place.

Alcoholics aren’t necessarily 24/7 drinkers. If you’re unable to control your drinking (ie can’t stop once you’ve started or drink even though you’ve promised yourself you won’t) then you have a problem.
OP, I was you. I’ve now been sober for 2 years and I swear that life is better. Much much better. I suggest giving AA a go. What have you got to lose? Other than hangovers..

I wanted to add that I have bad anxiety. So did one of my parents. Self-medicating can be easier than getting help. I was terrified to ask for help with my anxiety. I put it off until I had no choice. Had I not been the child of alcoholics, I might have tried to self-medicate to delay asking for help. Once I finally asked my Gp for help, her assistance was instantaneous. I didn’t have to convince her. I didn’t have to jump through hoops. I left that appointment with a huge weight off my shoulders. Later that day I started medication and it changed my life

Hi OP,

I recently found myself in a similar situation.

I DID manage to cut down my drinking from daily to 3-4 nights a week, and I was proud of this moderation and overall reduction in weekly units. However, after about 7 months I found that when I was drinking, I began to drink more and more and drank an obscene amount. I decided to quit after speaking to the drinkaware line feeling extremely depressed.

I haven't decided to go to a group, though I have considered it. I've used apps to track my drink free days, meditation to help with the anxiety and have found loads of motivation online for staying sober. One thing that really stuck with me about moderation was - if you can do it, why weren't you doing it all along?

I think you do need to see the GP for some advice. I was never drinking to that extent every night but I was drinking five nights a week and binge drinking at least once every ten days. I found it easier not to drink when I was at home so started making mon - weds non drinking days which worked because I knew a drink was waiting for me on thursday! This sometimes didn't work if I had a hellish day st work on a Monday but mostly did. And after having children you go out a lot less which I found mostly sorted out the binge drinking issue. I'm pregnant at the moment but I'd say I still drink around twenty units a week maximum otherwise (maybe two and a half bottles of wine?) not great but not awful...I still worry about my liver though, that's what scared me into cutting down. I honestly don't think I could give up completely because it's so insidious in our culture, every social event, visit to the in laws, work night out, wine is produced. It's hard!