To find it impossible to cut down on drinking

[namechange2117]

NC'd for obvious reasons.

I'm 35 and have been what I would describe as a heavy drinker for the past 12 years. I used to make sure I had a few days off alcohol on 2 or 3 nights per week, but in recent years I've started drinking every night almost without exception.

On a quiet night in I'll drink a bottle of lager and between three-quarters and a full bottle of red wine to myself; and if I'm out with DH it can be four or five large glasses of wine plus several cocktails. I'd say I drink about 70-80 units per week on average, which is alarming when you consider the government's recommended amount for women is 14 units.

I'm typing this after waking up with yet another bad hangover this morning, not getting out of bed until midday (we don't have DC's!) and struggling to do any work at all today as a result of feeling so rough. The drinking regularly affects my work performance and I'd say I lose at least a day - maybe more - a week due to being hung over.

Today I feel awful physically with an aching head, nausea and exhaustion. I'm also irritable, depressed and ashamed/worried that I've wasted a full day's work, which I will now have to catch up over the weekend.

I wish I could cut right down on alcohol to the point where I'm only consuming 20 units per week at most, with at least four days off each week. I'm worried about my health and ashamed of how I've made a fool of myself on several occasions due to alcohol - falling over at a recent party in front of guests and slurring my speech being two examples. The amount of money I spend on booze is far too much and DH and I do want to TTC at some point too.

The problem is that I'm just really struggling to kick the habit. I really enjoy the taste of alcohol and the feeling of "relaxing with a glass of wine after a long day". I feel like I drink mainly to escape the pressures of work (I'm self-employed and whilst I do enjoy my job, it's also very stressful) and of life in general (I'm a very anxious person and don't really enjoy socialising). DH is also a big drinker which doesn't help, and much of our free time revolves around alcohol - dining out and or drinking down the pub.

Am I being unreasonable to carry on drinking like this and to not have the will power to cut down?

its the drinking. it zaps your energy because it messes up with your sleep and drains you from b12 and other vitamins and minerals.
go watch naked mind podcasts on youtube or get one of those books i mentioned as an audio book (amazon). its nice to listen to them as you do other stuff or rest in bed.

You Might need to get some help

I felt the same and cut down in January of this year

I now really dislike how alcohol
Makes me feel . Even more than 2 drinks makes me feel shit .

I know we think the A A is only for raging alcoholics - but if you really cannot cut down it Might be worth a try ??

Well done for acknowledging the issue

Good luck

I was in a similar situation to you op, probably a bit worse tbh- around 15 units daily. I was functioning but only just.

This year I have managed to get down to around 30 units a week meeting the old guidelines of 3-4 units daily (Im male). I have 4 nights off a week now.

For me I just laid heavily into herbal tea instead, sometimes 5 or 6 cups a night. I now really quite like my nights off drinking- just feeling tired without being pissed is a nice feeling, and obviously the next morning is a much better place to be. The first few days of adjusting to this new pattern was difficult but after that the benefits were outweighing missing the daily drink and my tolerance also adjusted to less mental levels. Good luck op.

Alcohol free for me today and I’m eating non stop to compensate! Just about to have a Chinese.

Lonelycrab, that is a positive change, but sounds like you still have a drinking problem and are just “rule setting” to “contain” it to three out of seven days, and still drinking well above max recommended levels.

My partner used to drink around 40 units a day of cider, not the cheap white lightening either, he died from cirrhosis of the liver, he had no outward signs until over the space of a week his stomach swelled up. If the wine you are drinking is 10% a bottle is about 32 units, either first cut back the strength of what you drink or reduce the amount you drink, then start having 2-3 alcohol free days a week & don't save all your units up for one big session, that's as bad as drinking every day. Get a blood test for your liver, this will give you a better idea if you have already caused damage, if you stop now there is a good chance your body can repair the damage, don't leave it until it's too late.

Nat

If the wine is 10% it will have 75ml of alcohol (pure) per bottle. One unit is 10ml of pure alcohol, so it would have 7.5units per bottle.

A more likely % of say 12% would give you 9 units per bottle.

I definitely agree with you the OP needs to cut down on her drinking, as it’s clear she realises - I just wanted to make sure the figures here were correct. I’m sorry you lost your partner to liver failure.

With that level of intake, you are an alcoholic, a functioning one but an alcoholic nether the less. Even when you talk about cutting down you’re still talking about exceeding the recommended units by a third.

If you are serious about having children then you are going to have to address your relationship with alcohol because even though you acknowledge your current alcoholic intake is excessive, you’re still in denial about your level of dependency and that abstinence, may be your only remedy.

Lonelycrab Good on you. I don't need to tell you that you should work on cutting down still more. Additionally, you might want to find out whether binging 3 nights a week is more harmful than spreading the drinking throughout 7 days.--I don't know how many people here remember that recommended limits for men were 28 units and for women, 21 not long after 'units' were defined; I can see why you got the old standard in your head but I imagine the new lower ones are the result of doctors learning that the higher old ones were risky.

Of course you can cut back on drink, OP. The insistence upon all-or-nothing is taken from the AA model (and reinforced by Hollywood movies) and isn't suited to or helpful for everyone just as AA itself isn't. For a start you could do worse than follow Lonelycrab's example with the herbal teas--not that they've special powers but more that you can drink them into the night without taking in enough caffeine to keep you awake. Good luck.

@namechange2117

This is going to sound horrible. I'm sorry.

You are an alcoholic. There will never be a healthy, safe amount for you. 20 units a week is too much. You need professional help to give up alcohol.

You have a choice to make. Give it up and have kids or keep drinking (whatever amount you choose) but do not have children.

Drinking 20 units a week with children around is not ok. If you want kids you need to become a non drinker. Alcoholics cannot just have 1 glass.

I used to drink too much. It is very very hard for many of us to moderate and there are good reasons for this - it isn't a moral failing on your part. I read a lot of 'quit lit' and found many people who'd stopped drinking insisted it was easier than trying to moderate. I was intrigued by this, read more and joined Soberistas. I haven't looked back - it's been the best decision I've ever made. Try to reframe it - it's not about will power, it's about a positive decision. Read Catherine Grey's book 'The unexpected joy of being sober', and there are many others - have a look at Soberistas. I did the 100 day AF challenge on there and it's changed my life! My anxiety has almost disappeared, I have energy, can sleep, parent better...I put lots of energy into it and treated sobriety as a project. I'm coming up to 200 days now and have no intention of ever drinking again. Good luck OP - you are not alone!

@lonelycrab and anyone else drinking at a certain level I'd recommend asking your doctor to prescribe thiamine and vitamin b to replace the nutrients leeched by the alcohol. Drs are used to this request and it helps maintain health while you are working at reducing/drinking above current recommended government guidelines.

If it's purely stress OP I'd look at other ways to cope. A film, a book, walk the dog, talk to a friend, write it down. Then cut it down gradually. Start without the beer. Then cut down the wine to 1 or 2. I drank at your level after my Dad passed away. After 18 months I got sick of feeling rough & went cold turkey. I don't miss it. Now if I'm missing him I write him a letter, have a little cry & I'm good. If you think it's more than stress, then GP can direct you to professional help.

If the op is drinking nearly 40 units a week it can be dangerous to just stop without detox drugs. If she doesn't want to seek professional help, her best bet is to either reduce the amount she drinks gradually or reduce the strength of what she is drinking, reducing by 5 units a week is a safe amount to cut down by, even if she cuts down to 20 units & then reduces by 5 units once a fortnight she can still be alcohol free in a couple of months. The liver function test would be the best way of finding out the state of her liver.

Hi OP,

NRTFT however I am another child of an alcoholic. My DM drank about the same amount you do whilst I was growing up. She kept on trying to give up and just couldn't because once she got the taste of it she couldn't stop.

It unsurprisingly got worse and she almost killed herself. Fortunately she stopped but she's got an awful lot of health issues and won't live a long life. You already know you've got a problem, which is a great start. It's also better to try and stop before it goes too far, I'd go and speak to your GP. It's very difficult to do on your own and you will need support.

Everyone's different but every person who I've known who wanted to cut down has had to stop drinking full stop.

Hope it all goes well.

@Nat6999 can you cite any evidence that almost 40 units per week requires medical detox? let’s not be ridiculous.

If ok says she is drinking around 40 units a week, in reality it's probably more like 50-60 units. Measures when drinking at home are usually bigger than pub measures, anyone who is dependent on alcohol is at risk of having seizures if they are withdrawing, she really needs to discuss her drinking with someone who can advise her how to reduce her drinking safely.

The guidelines for drinking is now 14 units for both men and women so 20 is still way too much.

People who are physicslly dependant on alcohols may need help detoxing. People who are mentally dependant on alcohol don’t afaik. A bottle of wine a day - 60/70 units a week in a lot but not physical dependence territory. A lot of people drink a bottle of wine a day and function entirely normally - I did for years, and stopped cold turkey with no ill effects at all. A person who is physically dependant on alcohol will likely be drinking around that much a day.

There’s a lot of misinformation and scaremongering on this thread.

At work (hospital) we've had patients come in for elective joint surgery who drink similar amounts to you OP and the drs have had to give them medications to detox them while they are inpatients because they are at risk of the what are called the DTs as they are not drinking alcohol in hospital.

DT stands for Delerium Tremens and it is a real risk if you just stop drinking suddenly after being a heavy drinker.
You can have unpleasant hallucinations, acute confusion & even die.

Please please see your gp first as they can help you safely through withdrawal.

Sorry no links I'm rubbish at them but the info is all available online to google.

I spent the majority of my twenties drinking to excess every night. I made a fool of myself on nights out and put myself in dangerous and mortifying situations. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and had to drink so much to try and pretend his drinking was normal and that I was happy.
Three things made me reassess my own drinking.
One - I left him
Two- I realised my kids were more important than drink
Three - I did sober October with no real belief that I could go even a few days without a drink.
It took time but I now drink one or two g and t's a week if I'm home or may be 2 or three on a rare night out. I rarely get drunk and I never get hungover. The fear associated with hangovers is a distant memory.
To come from the point of view of someone who has lived with an alcoholic, you certainly don't have to drink every day to be considered one. You can also be a functioning alcoholic and hold down a job. Up to a point anyway.
I think you need to face up to the fact that you may need support. I was able to cut right down and go 5 days each week without a drink because I'm not addicted. It was a habit for me and I don't miss it.
But if you can't cut down then you do need some help. There's no shame in it. The shame comes from knowing, ignoring it and letting it ruin your life and that of your family.
I wish you luck

If you can't stop from starting or can't stop once you start - you're an alcoholic.

Read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace.

Go to AA.

As the others´ have suggested I think it might be time to think about AA.
If you really are convinced it´s about cutting down, it´s easy. Stop buying booze! I don´t buy any treats or beer so if I really want one it means running to the store. If you find yourself running to the store most nights then the problem will likely be more serious that you thought.

There’s a lot of misinformation and scaremongering on this thread.

Merge I agree 100%

If the OP can be alcohol free during the day without suffering withdrawal symptoms then she isn't physically addicted. Let's get real, it's highly unlikely for that to be the case at the level she is drinking we are talking day drinking and 100+ units a week for that to happen.