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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pansexual? AIBU to not understand how this isn't different to Bi?

260 replies

GoatWoman · 13/09/2018 22:34

I really don't understand this new phenomena and I feel completely ignorant.
In my day (80's - 90's), if not having a sexual preference you termed yourself bisexual. Not that anybody has to classify themselves at all.

But recently I hear more of pan-sexual. What on earth does it mean? The only explanation I've heard is that they choose the mind over biology. Isn't that what everyone does?

OP posts:
GoatWoman · 13/09/2018 23:33

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lowtide · 13/09/2018 23:33

@TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2
Please don’t turn it into this.
Because this is a genuine question and then all it gets turned into is a bun fight.

If you are a trans man, and you consider yourself a man. And if you are a trans woman and you consider yourself a woman who are the mysterious other people that makes it pans. They are either men and women or they aren’t.

It’s an interesting argument.

FrancisCrawford · 13/09/2018 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

argumentativefeminist · 13/09/2018 23:34

Goat Sorry, you're right, you didn't say that and it was unfair of me to let my frustration about that out on you. I'm really sad to hear that you've been so hurt before, and I hope I didn't hurt you too, that was never my intention. I'm glad you've got your animals and your daughter. I dont think you're pan, it's not a sexuality issue, but I hope you find words to articulate what you're feeling.

MozzieMagnet · 13/09/2018 23:35

Pansexual is about the person not the gender
Genuine question - what does that mean?

I am guessing that when it comes down to it, you are saying if you are pansexual that genitalia is not a deal-breaker for you, like it might be for many.
So you would entertain having sex with a transwoman who still had a penis or a transman who still had a vagina - if they had had top surgery but not bottom surgery you would not care. The problem being that many do care and whilst you might fall in love with a person's personality that might not help if, with passing privilege, that person does not reveal their status until later...some might be fine with a strap-on, others might not care about piv, some might not care about a penis, others might not want to be anywhere near one - functioning or not.
Or gender fluidity - presenting as more masculine or feminine when the mood takes you might appeal to those who are attracted to either extreme. Or adrogyny. Whatever floats your boat.

I get it in theory but think that people's sexual preferences and what they find attractive is personal, subjective and up to them at the end of the day...surely no-one wants pity shags or tokenism.

I cannot hear omni without hearing omnishambles

Happy to be corrected if I have misunderstood the concept.

starzig · 13/09/2018 23:35

Pansexual is just a bit broader. I would consider myself pansexual as I have been attracted to both at different times and have never considered myself gay or bi. Bi is a bit more of a solid likes both

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 13/09/2018 23:35

Turn what into what? Are you suggesting we not state simple facts of biology for some strange reason?

I'm saying the same as you, that there are only 2 sexes. But you are confusing it by claiming that the two sexes are interchangable and you can decide which you are. We both know that is not true, so why pretend?

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 13/09/2018 23:36

Pansexual is just a bit broader. I would consider myself pansexual as I have been attracted to both at different times and have never considered myself gay or bi. Bi is a bit more of a solid likes both

That doesnt make any sens. You have been attracted to both men and women but don't consider yourself bi, but pan works because its broader? Because you need to encompass men, women and.....what? What are the sexes not covered by bi but covered by pan? Please name the other sexes it covers.

lowtide · 13/09/2018 23:37

Basically pan sexual and bi sexual are the same thing. According to the dictionary

LanaorAna2 · 13/09/2018 23:37

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MrsStrowman · 13/09/2018 23:38

@argumentativefeminist thanks, I'm still not convinced people don't see gender at all though, even if you're not bothered and gender isn't a criteria as to whom you are attracted, I still think you'd see it, so pan probably covers it.

Original poster
GoatWoman · 13/09/2018 23:38

argumentativefeminist peace and love.

I apologise for the following but,

sweetcheeryblossom I'm no more a child abuser than you are a woman. Cute user name though.

OP posts:
argumentativefeminist · 13/09/2018 23:39

lowtide For me, I view trans men as men and trans women as women in terms of sexual attraction. Both can be cute. Hence, I say I'm bisexual. I used to say I was pansexual, as I was conscious to define myself with a term that encompassed gender neutral/agender/nonbinary people, rather than "bi" which can sometimes be taken to suggest only two groups of "men" and "women". But now I use bi mostly for ease of understanding (as this thread has proved!) and figure that the nonbinary folk I know will realise if I think they're hot or not regardless of what term I use.

lowtide · 13/09/2018 23:40

Ah I get it now!!!

Bi is old fashioned, so a bit like dyke in terminology. No one wants to use old fashioned terms.
I get it, language shifts, But it’s the same thing

Oh the youth of today, always making up new words to differentiate themselves from the old folk.
The youth of yesterday did the same thing!
As it ever were!

argumentativefeminist · 13/09/2018 23:43

lowtide Its very much almost the same thing to some people, but some people would probably argue strongly that pan and bi are very significantly different to each other. I can't get too worked up about it myself tbh. Pan was a political choice for me but now like I said, I figure I make it pretty obvious who I'm attracted to 😂

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 13/09/2018 23:43

Just read through all of this one, thought it was going to be a sensible discussion. Sadly not.
I for one have got teens who are going through doubts re sexuality along with all the other pressure they have.
goat it’s not a fucking joke

starzig · 13/09/2018 23:46

Where did i mention more than 2 sexes? You made that bit up didn't you?

Original poster
GoatWoman · 13/09/2018 23:47

I know it's not a joke.

Teach your teens sensibly. My daughter went through similar and has decided she's Bi. That's cool with me. I don't care who she sleeps with as long so she's happy. She's now older and planning a family with her boyfriend. In several years though.

OP posts:
lowtide · 13/09/2018 23:48

I think it’s all about language and that’s very interesting. What young people identify with. I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s in every generation.
New generations want to claim something that is their own, and good on them.

But throughout history there have always been people attracted to others nothing to do with gender. We have just named it differently over the years.

To be honest I cannot get worked up about it, it’s the same as lots of other day to day language. It’s a shame that the lesbians and the bi’s are seen as old fashioned now. Funny how the gays - not so much! But they are all 100% men! As it ever were

tobee · 13/09/2018 23:48

It's used because sounds all lovely, exotic, enigmatic and more interesting than everyone else.

starzig · 13/09/2018 23:50

I have never been bi as I have never liked men and women at the same time. Pansexual just means you aren't pigeon holed. Too many people love a label but that's not good when you are still discovering your sexuality.

lowtide · 13/09/2018 23:51

@starzig
That actually doesn’t make sense
Sorry. Can you explain further

lowtide · 13/09/2018 23:52

FYI pansexual is a label! Give it a name - and all of a sudden it’s a label!

argumentativefeminist · 13/09/2018 23:53

tobee so if I'm bi instead I suddenly lose all my claims to being more lovely and enigmatic and interesting than everyone else? Truly gutting.

ArcheryAnnie · 13/09/2018 23:56

Although presumably not asexual people cos that would be rapey.

You'd be amazed (or possibly not) at the number of people on tumblr who claim to be asexual but who also claim to have, and enjoy, an active sex life.

Also "queer" now usually means, for women "I'm straight but it's embarrassing to admit being so normal when I'm actually very edgy and cool and alternative", and for men "I'm straight but want to claim I'm oppressed in some nebulous way which you can't disprove because I'll just shout BI/PAN ERASURE".

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