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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that MIL is giving niece a free flat during university?

314 replies

breezeanddaisy · 13/09/2018 19:39

Hi,

I've namechanged for obvious reasons.

My daughter and her cousin both started university this year. They're both at different ones.

My MIL owns a flat that usually gets rents out, but since the last tenant left, she has left it empty and ready for when her other grandchild started university (as it's in the same town as the university she got a place at/wanted to go). She gets it for nothing, so it's free for her.

My DD is in pretty shitty accommodation and MIL hasn't really given anything to her to make it fair.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BrightLightsAndSound · 13/09/2018 22:18

I guess its been a decade since i went to uni so maybe its changed but in my memory we all just got on with sorting ourselves out with grants and loans and jobs so unless MN is just really upper middle class I dont see why so much fuss is made over kids going to uni and what they get or dont get and whats fair or not.

Going to uni is a privilege. So your niece by happy chance gets free accommodation. Life goes on. Your daughter will survive.

theymademejoin · 13/09/2018 22:21

@MrsChollySawcutt - Allowing GC1 to use the flat is not costing her anything if it's owned outright, and is costing only the outstanding mortgage payment if it's not.

It's costing her the rent she would normally get from the flat. It was not let after the last tenant left specifically to facilitate the dn.

BrightLightsAndSound · 13/09/2018 22:21

I mean say my gran had a flat in Spain and my sister fancied going to Spain on holiday and my gran offered her free use of the flat for a week.
I wouldnt then be expecting her to pay for my accommodation in Italy "to make things even".

Thats something that happens with kids and presents, making sure stuff is fair and even. Your daughter is an adult.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/09/2018 22:21

Because it was in the same city that the dn had to live in...

BrightLightsAndSound · 13/09/2018 22:22

@theymademejoin
But the gran is well off. She probably doesnt need the rent money.

theymademejoin · 13/09/2018 22:23

@BrightLightsAndSound - all well and good if your gran wasn't forfeiting rent for 4 years (or however long the degree will take).

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 13/09/2018 22:24

Haven't read all the responses yet, but I'm assuming that there is the usual smattering of YABU to expect a grandparent to treat two grandchildren the same.

But no, you aren't. My father sold his house recently and after giving my brother, sister and I a bit of money, he gave his grandchildren equal amounts to help with their university costs (all are at or going to university).

My grandparents were the same with us - I was left their house and my brother and sister got the cash. All fair, no resentment.

theymademejoin · 13/09/2018 22:27

@BrightLightsAndSound - But the gran is well off. She probably doesnt need the rent money.

That doesn't mean it's not costing her anything. By that logic, if a millionaire donates money to charity, it doesn't cost them anything as they don't need the money.

If she is so well off that she doesn't miss the rent money, then surely she can afford to help out the dd. After all, she doesn't need the money.

Poisongirl81 · 13/09/2018 22:28

my god mumsnet some really odd people about!

of course yanbu it's not fair at all.

Smiler88 · 13/09/2018 22:30

YABVU your daughter chose to go to a city where your MIL doesn't have a property, yet you want her to receive cash because your neice chose to go a city where your MIL a does have a property. Your daughter made a choice and unless she's willing to move city's to share the flat with the neice then you need to stop being so jealous because that was her choice.

Adnerb95 · 13/09/2018 22:32

Haven't RTFT but In the interests of fairness, she could have charged DN half the market rent and then gifted that rental income to your DD to go towards her rental costs, as it doesn't sound like she needs it herself.

That way, she gets to be generous to both of them equally.

From a family cohesion POV that would have been helpful.

makeupmaven · 13/09/2018 22:32

It wasn't necessarily unfair until you said that MIL was paying her niece's bills too. Suprised that most others seem to think this is okay? Definitely a case of favourite grandchild here...

twocats335 · 13/09/2018 22:34

Gosh. Entitled much? YABVU. If your dd was at the same uni, your mil would've offered it to her too. You need to come to your senses and stop throwing your toys out of your pram!

MrsChollySawcutt · 13/09/2018 22:34

"It's costing her the rent she would normally get from the flat. It was not let after the last tenant "

Nope, you are considering the profit GM is not receiving by not renting the flat at its market value. . This is not at all the same as what it is costing her out of pocket to allow her GD to occupy the flat. If there is no or minimal mortgage outstanding, the cost could be very small.

Certainly much smaller than the full market rent on a property in Uni town of GD2. And that's why it's unreasonable to expect the GM to fork out a much bigger amount to GD2 to pay for her accommodation.

Twombly · 13/09/2018 22:38

God, MN is like some weird topsy-turvy universe sometimes. Of course it's unfair and unkind. Any normal person would either not do it, or would make it clear to OP's DD that she'll be happy to help her out in some other way at some other time when she can. YANBU, OP.

theymademejoin · 13/09/2018 22:42

@MrsChollySawcutt - Nope, you are considering the profit GM is not receiving by not renting the flat at its market value.

By that logic, the deduction from my salary to pay my train ticket (tax efficient scheme in Ireland) doesn't cost me anything. Unfortunately, my income is reduced when they deduct that money.

Equally, the mil's income is reduced if she is no longer getting the rent. The rent was part of her income. Whether it came from pension, income from a job, rent on a property, it is all income and if she no longer gets it, it costs her the same way my train ticket does.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/09/2018 22:45

Yes, of course foregone profit is a cost.

Happygummibear · 13/09/2018 22:45

Op just wanted to draw your attention to my post.

You may want to look up the actual law and policy in your county but when someone gives away significant amounts each year this could impact inheritance tax and care fees even if self funding.

It may be worth mentioning that to grandma as she may not have realised. You are only meant to gift a certain amount each year to one person. Think it's something like £5k...

Obviously this may not matter if grandma is in her 60/70s and fit and healthy

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/09/2018 22:49

The Grandmother could have (continued to) rent out the flat on the open market and given each of the two grandchildren half of the proceeds towards their independent living costs.

(So if rented for £500 per month, could have given each grandchild £3000 per annum towards their living costs).

Does your Mil only have two grandchildren, Op? Your (and your DH's) daughter, and your DH's brother/sister's daughter?

If so, unlike the majority on this thread, I agree with you ... I think Mil has been very unfair and your daughter must be feeling the emotion of (blatantly) being the less favoured (or valued) grandchild.

Yes, of course, Mil is entitled to do whatever she likes with her property and money, but in doing so she will not only have caused hurt, but will also have (in my opinion) damaged her future relationship with her grandchild.

Ilovemypantry · 13/09/2018 22:55

Actually, I don’t think you ABU OP. If it was my daughter and niece in the same situation, I think I would be a little bit peeved that MIL was favouring one granddaughter over another. Does she normally favour your niece over your daughter?

I think if she is helping out one granddaughter by offering her free accommodation then she should help your daughter in some way too.

I have a MIL who favours one granddaughter over all the other grandchildren (including my daughter) and it is quite upsetting.

If you are able to (without starting world war 3!) I would approach the subject with her.

Floaty2018 · 13/09/2018 23:02

YABVU.
OP, you decided to have a child and bring them into this world, not the Grandmother. By doing so, YOU not the Grandmother are responsible for ensuring they have everything they need and are in suitable uni accommodation. If she's in a shit hole, get her out of there!
Live within your means, don't expect a penny off others and teach your child the same.

londonrach · 13/09/2018 23:02

Your right its not fair in dn whos miss living with other students. Your lucky dd. Yabu by the way and abit petty.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 13/09/2018 23:04

I'm sorry, OP, I would feel the same as you. Nothing to be done about it, but it would make me feel sad for my DD. Lovely for DN that she gets the flat and the bills paid. Happy for her, but it would sting.

Fatted · 13/09/2018 23:08

I can understand you're seeing it as not fair favouritism etc. But families don't work like that.

I'm one of 4 and well aware that there's times my parents need to offer financial, physical or emotional support to one of my siblings when they can't offer it to me. It goes the other way though because there's times they have helped me when they cannot help the others.

starzig · 13/09/2018 23:15

YABVU and a CF. YOU provide for your daughter and stop worrying what MIL is doing with HER flat and HER money.

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