Weekly overnight stay at GPs

[Goostacean]

In the middle of an ongoing negotiation with DH re childcare. PFB so we don't know what we're doing

How will a toddler (15 months +) be affected by sleeping at grandparents', once a week?

Hypothetical situation: Monday daytime with DM (and DF when he's back from work around 6pm), overnight at GPs, Tuesday dropped back at home in the afternoon, and DM/MIL stay until we get home from work. So toddler would see a parent on Monday morning, and Tuesday evening/night. Nursery Weds-Fri.

We don't see eye-to-eye, and neither do parents/in-laws. AIBU to ask for your views? Not posting mine yet as don't want to sway the responses!

@Rosemary46 Wow, that sounds like a challenge. I also wouldn’t have considered overnights, in your situation.

If anything I have the opposite problem- due to being abroad and DH working away, baby and I are attached at the hip. He used to scream at the appearance of any new people at all, a few months ago! Luckily our trip back to the U.K. for three weeks in July built a lot of confidence in him- he came back a different baby tbh. But I’m very keen to foster attachments to other people.

Another chomping at the bit and biting hands off.

Me, me, me!

Doesn’t his father want to spend time with him ? It seems a shame that he has prioritiesed his career over his child.

I wonder if you are considering this arrangement because you are overwhelmed by having to do all the parenting most of the time as well as your work.

I do hope you are outsourcing all the housework .

It’s a tough one, @Rosemary. DH is a fantastic, hands-on (autocorrected to handsome ) dad when he is around. And his career is going very well, as well as enabling us to have this year abroad etc.

It’s not so much that I’m overwhelmed as becoming resentful. We have the same education and work in the same industry, although slightly different spheres- mine doesn’t involve the regular travel. So I don’t see why I should be tied to every pick up, drop off and night feed whilst he’s away. Frankly, progressing. Because I won’t be able to progress properly without SOME flexibility (which I hope the Mon/Tues evenings would provide) and SOME proper sleep. And I don’t see why I should have to give up work when I don’t WANT to. (Not that you’re implying that! Am just thinking it through for myself.)

Obviously I’m 100% confident in the love and competence of both sets of GPs, otherwise it wouldn’t be an option.

Ask yourself - would your Dh be resentful if he has made all these career sacrifices and you had made none ?

I think the answer is yes. So it’s perfectly reasonable for you to expect some from him .

I’m sure you would be hands on too if you were away 4 days and nights a week. It’s not really saying much is it ?

Maybe he needs to step up and get involved more, as well as LO seeing their GP. Maybe it’s time for you to focus more on what you want to do.

I have to say that his objecting to the arrangememts with GP - just in case he might be home on an Monday and finish early - makes him sound like an arsehole.

I have 4 DC and my parents have all of them overnight almost every Friday from about 4pm til around 10am on a Saturday.

They have all gone from the age of 2 and they love it, it certainly hasn't damaged them in any way and I find that they look forward to it all week.

Sounds fine to me if he can be comforted by grandparents at night, dd can be v particular.

Overnights at the weekend with you there to do decreasing amounts of the care sounds sensible in the run up.

Don't see why you can't try it and review. If they don't appear upset then unlikely long lasting damage.

@Rosemary you make good points. I’ve asked him to read the thread, so I’m hoping that hearing third party views from people who are not emotionally invested in the situation will help our conversation. His main concern is that being away from his parents will detrimental to our DS, but it looks like that’s not the experience of those who have had this set up.

Just in case it is helpful, the women in my profession who seemed to really make it work, progressing their career and looking after children, and meeting the children's needs, were the ones who were able to leave in the afternoon and then pick up work after dc were in bed, working at home in the evening for a few hours. They were incredibly organised and ruthlessly charming with work to make sure their routines didn't get disrupted! And I am guessing ruthlessly charming with their dc too getting them to get into bed and go to sleep quickly. It wouldn't have been possible with all workplaces, they chose places which supported it. Actually, another woman I can think of had a nanny at home while she worked, and I think that that worked well for her.

I was already quite senior when I went on maternity break, and that makes a difference, it was easy for me to step out and step back in again. I can understand why you want to progress, and as your dc gets older it will be easier to work out what will work best.

I do not agree with rosemary that your dh sounds like an arsehole...

@theoneoff You’re absolutely right, and I fully expect to be picking things up from home on Tues-Thurs. Luckily I’m quite organised, but I think I’ll have to up my game once I’m back at work! It would just be nice to have one or two evenings when I can stay with the team, esp on deadline weeks when document reviews are often taking place at 9pm 🙄 That’s a whole other issue, but not one that I can solve at my current level of seniority!

It sounds wonderful. I have friends who are fortunate enough do this and have done from when the dc were very young, the children are about 7 now and adore their gp. Your dh is being. Selfish.
You will resent your dh if you are not able to decide for yourself. I do.

If his main concern is your DS being away from his parents, then what does he think he's doing? He will be away for months at a time, leaving you to pick up all of the burden all of the time. He then wants to add to it by not letting you have a night off to just have a nights sleep a week. Your DS's grandparents will be a permanent fixture in his life for a long time. He will bond with them and even if he doesn't stay with them they will still be around. Im other countries and in previous generations, grandparents did look after their GC.
Its not like he is staying with a nanny or a childminder who might change in a couple of years. I don't think yoyur DH really has much say in it. He can collect your DS if he comes home early. if he wants to finish early to do that when hes in the UK because he thinks your DS should be with his parents, he needs to make it happen. If more men just said to their employers 'sorry, I'm finishing early today to collect my kids/ take them to the dentist etc it would be better for everyone. I'm not saying your DH is guilty of 'presenteeism' but a lot of men are, because they feel that's what expected of them and then when women have to leave early to do the nursery/ school pick up, they are seen as not as committed to their careers.

I would have loved it but my parents lived to far away and MIL died just after Ds2 was born.
My nephew slept and my mum's a minimum of once a week since he was a baby until he was about 15. He is extremely close to mum and dad and and has a great relationship with his mum and step dad.
My nephew is 24 now and calls in to see his nan and grandad a couple of times a week and goes to the pub with his grandad and step dad to watch the footie.
I think it's a good thing. The more people who are positive around your child the better IMO.

If his main concern is your DS being away from his parents, then what does he think he's doing

This is the only bit about this thread that I find strange and It reeks of double standards.

Op, this kind of arrangement has worked well for families for many a generation and it will continue to for the simple fact there really isn’t a better kind of arrangement when it comes to children being looked after. I grew up doing this and my grandchildren now do it me. And in fact one of my little grandchildren sleeps at their uncles house once a week because they’re at the same school as their cousin and and it works out better that way.

I'm going to go against a lot of posters and say it's a lot to expect from grandparents. DM currently has DS two (non-consecutive) days while DH and I work. They're long days, 7am - 4:30pm. DM offered, she's fit and well, and DS is an easy child who naps to a routine etc. I still feel it's a lot and with DC2 DM will only do one or one and a half days maximum.

And if it was me (I have one DS 2.8 and another on the way) I would miss my child one night every single week.

My issue would be not DS staying a night with loved and known grandparents, but that that was happening in a week when he is also spending 3 full days at nursery. 5 days in childcare (albeit 2 with family - but away from you) and you also lose Monday evening and Tuesday morning with him. And him from you.

When mine were in nursery (I worked f/t from 4 months) I didn't want them away from me at any other time.

Just out of curiosity, what was the situation for you and your dh when you were that age and generally? Were your upbringings different, and did you stay with GPs regularly?

Also, if where you are is a bit isolated (from what you said about ds being a different child after a trip to the UK) can you take him home a bit more?

Yep! It takes a village to raise a child they say. As long as they love him and he likes them it’s a great idea. Be prepared to have to sit on lots of issues about them over riding your parenting style though, it will prob happen from time to time x

The being away from parents thing comes down to love. If they really love him then grandparents are just like an extension of parents not childcare in my opinion. My Sons bond with my Mum is unbelievable. Her house is his house in his opinion and it’s really no different to “home”. My Mums an absolute shit for not sticking to rules etc and sometimes it infuriates me but it’s worth it. I once really shouted at my Son in front of my Mum and she went mad at me. Her response to me saying “he’s My Son” wa to say “and he’s MY Grandson” annoying at the time but she’s right. He’s her blood. We are family. I think it’s a really positive thing for kids and it shows on their confidence.

The point about childhoods is, I think, pertinent.

My DF has always worked FT but usually been home by 6.30pm, although there were periods when he travelled for a week at a time. My DM has always worked but around me and my sibling (SEN), but she has built her own business (a nursery, funnily enough!) since my midteens.

My FIL travels a ridiculous amount for work, and I believe that’s been the case for a long time. If he wasn’t travelling he was certainly working late enough to miss weekday bedtimes. My MIL was I think a SAHM til her four children were all at school, when she retrained as a teacher.

Neither of us stayed with grandparents much as 3/4 of our parents are immigrants so GPs were mostly abroad/too elderly/dead. However, I don’t want to be a SAHM whilst my husband gets to have a family AND a career- and I feel that letting this slide would likely be a step towards that.

It’ll be too tiring for me, so it’ll make sense for me to change my job. Then it’ll make financial sense for me to stop working, if we pay childcare for 2-3 but I’ve not progressed. And suddenly there we go- I’m a SAHM.

Oh, can’t take him back to visit more- we’re a 14h flight away...

This thread is SO SO outing! 😂

If anyone had offered me a regular day of the week, when I didn't have to leave work on time, and there was no commitments once I did leave work, when my dc were small, I'd have bitten their hands off. Makes such a difference to your job, and therefore your happiness, and therefore the welfare of your little one. That's even without the fact you will be doing all this alone for the majority of the week for months on end.

It would depend on how similar or different parenting styles are though, as this little one will have many different carers each week - Nursery, you, DM, and DMiL (sometimes DF and DFiL?) and presumably dh making up for lost time when he is home ?

Some dc struggle with that. Many (most?) will be fine, but it makes it a lot easier if you are all similar in your styles.

I don't know how old / how fit and well your dc's GPs are either? I am only mid fifties and have FAR less energy to look after a toddler all day and night than I did when I had my own toddlers / babies.

My mum was 57 when my son was born and full of beans. The bond between them was so lovely. I remember her coming with me to meet him from school one day, he spotted her and yelled "It's my granny!" before pelting across the playground into her arms.

She coped really well when he stayed there and those times are among his happiest memories. I'm 65 and there's plenty of energy to look after a toddler. Sadly, there isn't one available to test the theory. Please don't write us off as poor, feeble little old ladies with no stamina, most of us in our 60s just aren't like that.

My Mums 68 and her grandchildren are 4 and 7. Never considered her to be too old! She doesn’t rough and tumble etc but in a way she gets more stuck in than me and my Sister. She took the kids down the beach loads this Summer. 60’s is definitely not too old!

Definitely not writing anyone off! Age is but a number :)