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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekly overnight stay at GPs

243 replies

Goostacean · 13/09/2018 14:14

In the middle of an ongoing negotiation with DH re childcare. PFB so we don't know what we're doing Grin

How will a toddler (15 months +) be affected by sleeping at grandparents', once a week?

Hypothetical situation: Monday daytime with DM (and DF when he's back from work around 6pm), overnight at GPs, Tuesday dropped back at home in the afternoon, and DM/MIL stay until we get home from work. So toddler would see a parent on Monday morning, and Tuesday evening/night. Nursery Weds-Fri.

We don't see eye-to-eye, and neither do parents/in-laws. AIBU to ask for your views? Not posting mine yet as don't want to sway the responses!

OP posts:
tessica2 · 13/09/2018 17:08

This is obviously from wiki so I do need to and will find the books and articles in question as I'm interested

But seems that Penelope Leachs views on overnight stays are
Not widely held by others and have been criticised , thanks for the info though, I haven't used my brain in about three months since being on mat leave so good to do some thinking :)

And her thoughts on day care have been changed over the years. IMO if a child can receive loving care at day care and be fine as long as they return to parents loving care soon I think they will not have a problem with grandparents if they know each other and have a good relationship

I just asked my Mum if she wanted to look after my daughter one night a week and she very very quickly said no....so maybe take the offer while its there and review as needed....

From my own experience I visited my grandparents who lived in another country once a year and if my parents went out I was always happy to be in care of my grandmother (although can't remember what I did when I was a baby)

Weekly overnight stay at GPs
tessica2 · 13/09/2018 17:09

@PollyFlinderz haha! That's a review that needs to be on amazon!!

EvaHarknessRose · 13/09/2018 17:10

My thinking would be that many parents and nurseries of children this age would say that ‘one day’ at nursery a week (as opposed to two or more) can cause settling issues, so it might be the same for GP.

Also, what happens when grizzly toddler plays you off against one another and doesn’t want to go/come home.

I think in your case i would also avoid separations following changing country - stability, security, routine. Trial sleepovers and take it from there. And it would be nice if for once a dh was focused on something other than his own need/wish (in this case to have the child there ‘in case’ he was home).

theoneoffnamechange · 13/09/2018 17:15

@tessica2 I think it is worth looking a bit further rather than just looking at wiki. I don't know about the overnight stays from the top of my head but I recently looked at research to do with day care which supported what Penelope Leach had said - it didn't refer to it but was along the same lines. Tbh you have a few posters on here thinking you are an expert in this area and you clearly aren't. You will also be aware of the momentous changes at the moment in relation to attachment thinking (and trauma, anxiety) and it is fair to say it is worth looking at the issues.

However, I am out now as I have to do other things.

OP I wouldn't do it, but every family set up is different and I am sure you will find the right answers for you and yours.

tillytrotter1 · 13/09/2018 17:23

You seem to be thinking of this from your point of view, how much you'll miss him. However, I'm sorry to say that he is unlikely to miss you half as much, he'll have whale of a time and if he gets a bit spoilt, so what?

oblada · 13/09/2018 17:27

I think it sounds great for the child if child is happy with that! Mine wouldn't have been happy with that as at that point they still relied on me during the night (breastfeeding) but if the kid is happy it sounds fab!!

kateandme · 13/09/2018 17:30

sounds perfectly fine.
why are you worried?
mil/dm were soul carers for the kids.no childcare needed no nursery until it was our choice to do so and they thrived on it on both sides.
I know on here we have lots of mil post and dm posts of woe.but th that because you post on here for help or support or opinions.but there are plenty of families with loving in laws where thise would work brilliantly so It can for you too

C8H10N4O2 · 13/09/2018 17:33

If you have good relationships all round then grab it with both hands - sounds like a win-win situation.

If DH is traveling a lot for work and rarely home before 7pm then you get primary say in the week day arrangements as they will fall on you, including sick days by the sound of it.

Regarding "rules" - if there are specific things which you really care about or which are otherwise essential be clear up front. Most things can be done a bit differently at DGPs without causing an issue back at home and its rarely worth sweating the small stuff.

tessica2 · 13/09/2018 17:41

Wow @theoneoffnamechange not sure why you needed to be so rude. You are the one who asked about my training and work. I didn't claim to be an "expert" and don't think that I am at all.

I said I would be looking up the relevant books and links. I am only on my phone at the moment so can't, however wiki is often a good place to start to find names of books written by authors etc.

tessica2 · 13/09/2018 17:43

Sorry posted before finished

The reason I commented was to say that this is not advice that all psychologists give out and that if done properly and carefully overnight with grandparents can be lovely!

Sorry to de rail your thread OP and good luck with whatever you go for :)

Joinourclub · 13/09/2018 17:53

I really would not want to do this. But if my husband was away for weeks at a time I would absolutely do it.

Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 18:17

No worries about derailing, I’m pleased to see that there is insufficient evidence that it’s harmful, given we appear to be quibbling over one study that no one knows the details of...? I need to reread the thread to be sure, but I’ve not been attacked with a slew of references about how this will break my child. So I’m heartened! :)

PIL main concern seems to be around trauma that only becomes evident later, eg anxiety etc., so that’s what I’m most interested in. Personally I'm more concerned about nursery, given that GP love baby but nursery staff are just doing their job...

OP posts:
Joinourclub · 13/09/2018 18:20

I think your PILs should stay out of it!

Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 18:26

No, no, to be fair we have a great relationship and they only expressed their views because the original suggestion had been two nights with my parents and Wednesday with PIL. So when we broached the topic asking for the Weds we got onto a general discussion about the scenario, and DH and I have since being trying to reach a conclusion - just the two of us. I respect their views and my parents' views a lot. Otherwise it would be easy! ;)

OP posts:
theoneoffnamechange · 13/09/2018 18:40

@tessica2 I am really sorry if I was rude! It was not intended. There have been other posters were mocking me and saying that you were the expert, and I was referring to that and the fact that you seemed to be using wiki for research - I am so sorry if it caused offence, my only excuse is that I had almost no sleep last night.

@goostacean no it isn't one study, and I only mentioned penelope leach because I remembered a newspaper article about divorce which raised the issue. Sometimes there are policy reasons for backing one research or another. It is not going to break your child but it is worth asking your PIL's about their views in more detail, if you are interested. I am too knackered to look it all up now. If you look at anxiety is being the fear which cannot be located in space or time ie to do with feelings which were not processed at the time of the event which caused the fear, and conscious memory of the event has gone, then it makes sense that what happens before a child starts to consciously remember may have that impact. I hope that that makes sense.

Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 18:52

@theoneoff Thanks, I’ll have a google. It’s good to hear views going against the grain of the other responses! Food for thought, thank you.

Part of the issue is that this whole situation is tied to me and my work. If DH is abroad, it’s my work that will suffer consistently, and I find that frustrating.

I suppose it’s a question of compromising between what’s best for baby (ideally, I suppose, at least one if not both parents at home all the time) vs what’s best for me (the self worth, pension pot etc. that I gain from working) vs practical constraints. And everyone will draw that line differently.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 13/09/2018 19:06

Personally I'm more concerned about nursery, given that GP love baby but nursery staff are just doing their job...

You have your priorities the right way around.

I don't see it as best for the baby vs best for you. The baby is with family who love them - that is a positive thing, an "extra" each week.

You are already taking a career hit simply by giving birth, more so as you seem to have all the childcare responsibilities. This arrangement may help to offset that disadvantage just a little.

I always advise any woman to keep her work going as far as it is possible - you never know what the future holds or when you might need to support your family and yourself.

tessica2 · 13/09/2018 19:08

@theoneoffnamechange no worries, it is hard to get tone from written messages so sorry that I misinterpreted

Sympathies for the lack of sleep! Hope you get more tonight x

BertrandRussell · 13/09/2018 19:15

What is best for a baby is to be looked after by someone who loves him. That does not mean necessarily parents!

junebirthdaygirl · 13/09/2018 19:41

I would take it a step at a time as your dps have no idea if they will be able for it or not. I am a gm and l was shocked at how tired l was minding my dgd when she was a toddler. She was a great child but l found l never could take my eye off her like l did with my own. And being over 20 years older didnt help.
On the other hand it probable will be fine. As your dh is away so much it might be nice for your ds to have your df around in the evenings too.
I genuinely don't see how your dh or pils can complain as he is away so much and obviously none of them have an issue with that. Strange!

crosstalk · 13/09/2018 19:53

OP Just go for it and don't overthink it. However, I'd do a review within a month. A month to give your PFB time to settle down with it, and your GPs making sure they can cope. Make sure you are already planning back up should either side not be able to manage.

I cannot believe people are fussing so much about a toddler - who will have met his GPs on both sides frequently before all this happens - spending a night away. With the care his GPs will give him and the fun he could have .. with preparation on both sides he'll be looking forward to it.

It really is a first world problem.

TheChatsPyjamas · 13/09/2018 19:53

I think this would be a great arrangement but during the settling in phase I would aim to sleep at your parents during the overnight so you all develop confidence.

Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 19:57

This has been so helpful, thanks so much to everyone! Sounds like the main things to bear in mind are:

  • clear expectations for the adults and coordination on rules for DS
  • phasing in, esp as DS hasn't been able to spend a lot of time with his DGPs to date
  • regular reviews
  • Plan B and C for whenever GPs are unavailable, or DS is ill

I'm struggling with this one because, due to the year abroad, I'm taking 6 months extra maternity leave on what I would have expected to take if we'd stayed in the UK. So I sort of feel I'm "owed" time for my career... But obviously it was my choice to agree to all this, and I know DH loves us and wants to spend time with us, he's just constrained by his job. And GPs on both sides only comment and suggest things out of love for DS and wanting the best for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 20:08

@TheChatsPyjamas, agreed and that's something I will be able to do between the move back and going back to work.

@crosstalk, believe me, I could not agree more. I am the most unfussed person in the situation, despite being (or maybe because I am!) attached to DS at the hips for 7 months and counting... I'm sure he'll be fine.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 13/09/2018 20:12

If you're happy with the care they'd receive then I'd happily go for it.