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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekly overnight stay at GPs

243 replies

Goostacean · 13/09/2018 14:14

In the middle of an ongoing negotiation with DH re childcare. PFB so we don't know what we're doing Grin

How will a toddler (15 months +) be affected by sleeping at grandparents', once a week?

Hypothetical situation: Monday daytime with DM (and DF when he's back from work around 6pm), overnight at GPs, Tuesday dropped back at home in the afternoon, and DM/MIL stay until we get home from work. So toddler would see a parent on Monday morning, and Tuesday evening/night. Nursery Weds-Fri.

We don't see eye-to-eye, and neither do parents/in-laws. AIBU to ask for your views? Not posting mine yet as don't want to sway the responses!

OP posts:
glitterfarts · 13/09/2018 21:51

If he doesn't know them, you could start by staying the Monday night there with him until he is familiar with them, his room there and their house.

I feel that dropping a baby off on Monday morning and him being with his grandparents until dinner/bed time Tuesday is too much. Especially if you are then dropping him at daycare as soon as he wakes up Wednesday to Friday and not collecting him until around 6pm. When does he actually get to see his parent during the week at all then?

My DD's would not have coped with being away from me for 2 days at that age - and I don't trust my IL's to look after them and my Dad lived in a different country. I think separation anxiety kicks in around 15-18 months so you might find it is VERY different to when he was 6 months old.

An alternative would be for your Mum to look after him in YOUR home, with all his own toys and bed etc Monday and Tuesday and for her to sleep at your house Monday night, to allow you to work late. Then when he's a bit older it could switch to staying at his Nana's.

Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 22:06

@glitterfarts (nice username Grin) I take your point re not seeing the parent, but no one (IRL, I mean, not on here) seems to be suggesting my DH should take the next 15 months off and care for baby, as I’ve done. I don’t see why it should all fall to me.

Baby will see me every morning except Tues, and I’m prepared to set boundaries with work so that I get home for every bedtime Tues-Thurs, and DH will do Fridays.

Completely agree that we’ll have to see how he actually copes though, and I’ll also suggest DM staying over- but then DS won’t see my DF, so I’d like that to be a relatively temporary measure.

OP posts:
Gooseygoosey12345 · 13/09/2018 22:16

If your baby will settle there then 100% do it. Great bonding for baby/DGPs and a break for you! I'd love one night a week of great sleep and time to myself.

TheSeasonOfTheWitch · 13/09/2018 22:23

I would definitely try it out, but perhaps stay overnight with my son for a few weeks to start with. Children can feel very vulnerable at night time so I really would be with him till you know he is completely comfortable with being left. You'll know yourself when he's ready. You are so near it shouldn't be difficult. And I'll bet you get a lovely supper made etc etc

Re your DH... I think he should suck it up a bit, I'm afraid... I feel like he is making a song and dance about his priorities when actually you son's, then yours (as primary caregiver) take priority. If your son will only be ten minutes away, then, on the rare occasions your DH is home early on a Monday, can he not pop to them for a surprise daddy bath time etc. I imagine it might only happen once in six months?!

popsanddolls · 13/09/2018 22:26

I think it's tour decision as parents. I don't let me children sleep out. They never have but that's my choice as a mum x

Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 22:29

Ah unfortunately he’ll be 40mins away, not 10- it’s my in-laws who are just down the road. But it’s rare (maybe unheard of?) for my DH to be home before 7pm, assuming he is even in the country.

Interesting that a few people now have mentioned priorities. I think during the discussion with family it seemed that I was prioritising my good night’s sleep over DS, by dumping him away from home...

@popsand, May I ask why you’ve made that choice please?

OP posts:
popsanddolls · 13/09/2018 22:33

I've always kept mine in the same routine. I have 3. 13, 4 and 6 months and I like to know they are okay. And in their bed and their routine and if they wake upset I'm there. But that's just me. I think I'd struggle to settle.
That's just my opinion and the way I am with my 3. My 13 year old sleeps out at friends now and then. But he's older and can call me or come home at any time xx

BillyAndTheSillies · 13/09/2018 22:36

Like a few PP's, DS would get dropped off to my parents on a Thursday morning and picked up on a Friday evening maybe two or three weeks a month.

My PIL had him on a Monday and if we went round for lunch of a Sunday they'd often keep him over night.

It saved a lot of time for all of us, and as DS got older and slept better it actually meant they weren't up at the crack of dawn waiting for him because I used to get to them before 7am for an 8am start at work.

DS is so close to his GP's and it's lovely, definitely hasn't affected him negatively so far!

Thinkingallowed85 · 13/09/2018 22:37

I couldn't do this. My feeling is that it would be harmful but I fully accept that's purely my feelings! If you feel happy with that then fair enough.

C0untDucku1a · 13/09/2018 22:40

My children wouldn't like that arrangement. They like to be in their own home.

If your children aRe fine with it though do it. Dont sacrifice your career.

Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 22:58

Thanks for the explanations re why you’d not do it, they’re helpful!

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 13/09/2018 23:00

My nephew sleeps at my mum's once a week and loves it. He gets spoiled rotten and mum and dad both really enjoy it .

Bluelady · 14/09/2018 08:48

Can I ask - genuine question - why those of you who wouldn't do it feel that way? This is obviously on the assumption that the grandparents are fit and able to look after the children.

SassitudeandSparkle · 14/09/2018 09:04

I very much doubt that's a genuine question Bluelady! The reasons given not enough for you so far?!

Bluelady · 14/09/2018 09:24

It s a genuine question. All I've seen is "I wouldn't do", apart from a couple of people who have said they wouldn't be confident that their children would be adequately looked after.

Lostandfound81 · 14/09/2018 09:26

@Bluelady

Wouldn’t want to have a night away from my 15 month old every week. That’s the long and short of it

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2018 10:54

@bluelady I listed 3, I’ll repeat them for you . weekly feels too often for my child to be away all night at that age, mine are terrible sleepers, and grandma would give more treats and tv than I give my children if minding them on their own , a regular basis is too frequent for this in my parenting book.

Bluelady · 14/09/2018 11:04

Thanks, time.

Original poster
Goostacean · 14/09/2018 12:30

Thanks time, that’s helpful.

May I also ask to those who say no, whether you WOTH/what your hours are like? And similar to those who would jump at the opportunity, I suppose?

(Probably sounds goady, isn’t meant to be, hopefully my OP and other posts have shown I’m not that kind of poster!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Goostacean · 14/09/2018 12:35

I’m also taking on board the points re poor sleep. Baby wakes once a night currently, but obviously we have no idea how it’ll be having moved country/time zones etc, once he’s older.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/09/2018 12:45

My babies really were terrible sleepers! We both worked full time with one baby (but my dh started early and did most pick ups and dinner - easier to balance when there are two of you doing it!) at least the terrible sleep meant I wasn’t too worried about working late, if I missed bedtime I’d see him again at midnight, and at 2am.... swings and roundabouts!

ErickBroch · 14/09/2018 12:55

Loved spending time with my grandparents my entire childhood, and do now. Childminder was boring but getting to stay with grandparents in the week was the best! Your child will love it :)

Rosemary46 · 14/09/2018 12:56

I wouldn’t have done it because of reasons which are specific to my family and therefore probably not relevant to the OP

  1. The children had a lot of insecurity already as their father worked away from home
  2. There was a lot of upheaval in our house due to one child having a serious disability and frequent admissions to hospital
  3. One child has a lot of early trauma So at higher risk of a attachment problems
  4. All children had a lot of loss in their lives

So therefore stability of main carer and routine was very important to them.

Rosemary46 · 14/09/2018 12:57

Oh and to answer the OP, I WOTH part time flexibly and their father worked full time.

Oblomov18 · 14/09/2018 13:01

Win-win.
What's the problem?
Wish I'd had the option. No grandparents live close enough! Sad