Weekly overnight stay at GPs

[Goostacean]

In the middle of an ongoing negotiation with DH re childcare. PFB so we don't know what we're doing

How will a toddler (15 months +) be affected by sleeping at grandparents', once a week?

Hypothetical situation: Monday daytime with DM (and DF when he's back from work around 6pm), overnight at GPs, Tuesday dropped back at home in the afternoon, and DM/MIL stay until we get home from work. So toddler would see a parent on Monday morning, and Tuesday evening/night. Nursery Weds-Fri.

We don't see eye-to-eye, and neither do parents/in-laws. AIBU to ask for your views? Not posting mine yet as don't want to sway the responses!

Thanks for clarifying about the possibility of being home early.

I agree with timeisnotaline:
if my dh were regularly away with work and objected to childcare arrangements I was putting in place to make life workable he could take a long jump off a short pier, quit his job to be Monday dad or shut up about it and never mention it again.

My girls had this from similar ages. Originally for work reasons, then because they just liked it.

They have an incredibly close relationship with both sets of grandparents. It was a godsend when DH and I both got food poisoning because an extra night at GP’s was like Christmas.

I love the relationship they have now. In the summer DD2 went away for a week with her Gran because they both fancied the idea of seeing Rome... it’s lovely and it benefits everyone.

That said my SIL didn’t enjoy it when her two went one night a week. She didn’t like the fact her kids didn’t bat an eyelid at being put to bed/comforted by someone else, and put a stop to it. She regrets it now (all the kids are teens now).

If your DH happens to be home one week you can change plans, but if you have to juggle things for months on end you have to do what’s best for you and the kids.

Re 40 minutes not being that far - the OP is saying this is why the grandparents should have them overnight, too far to 'pop in' like the in-laws who only live 10 mins away

I was referring to @oneoff 's ridiculous, incorrect claims that psychologists don't recommend overnight stays for under 5's.

I've only just seen the update that the child doesn't know grandparents well yet. Obviously that needs to be taken into consideration but the concept itself isn't a damaging one.

Re 40 mins not being that far, I work 45 mins by public transport (tube) in the other direction, and my parents' is only accessible by car (45mins door-to-door) or train to their local station (25mins each way, plus 15 mins to the station on foot/bus). So it's a bit of a faff, I just can't think of how to make it workable for a single day with them. Plus that still takes away my child-free night.

Re not knowing them well we are overseas so my 3yo has seen his gps in real life for max a couple of weeks a year. They have stayed for 4 weeks now and by 2 weeks in he’s perfectly ok for them to put him to bed (insofar as he’s ok to be put to bed ) . You can bond with small children quite quickly.

how someone answers this is going to entirely depend on their relationship with their grandparents/their inlaws/ their parents. My biggest concern would be that your child doesn't really know them yet as you have been away. also you need to have some contingency plans for when : child gets ill, grandparents get ill, grandparents want to go on holiday etc. Also, you probably aren't aware of the nuances of their parenting and there will be times when frankly they will do things that you completely disagree with but will have to suck it up for the sake of the "arrangement".

Depending on the age of the grandparents they may love this once it starts or they might find it utterly exhausting and completely ruling their lives. You need to be prepared for this with plan B, c and d etc. You also need to be prepared that if you have another child or even stick with one that as the years go on they may find this harder and harder and perhaps be reluctant to tell you for fear of letting you down or losing the relationship with their grandchild. for this reason, I would build in regular reviews with them so that you meet, sort of formally really, and talk through how its going how they are coping etc. MN boards always have threads where arrangements like this have gone wrong for whatever reason and you need to try and design this out.

I think you get more say since you do the majority of the childcare in evenings / nights due to your husbands job. It's hard doing a long day at work, nursery pick up, bedtime etc by yourself.
If your child is an OK sleeper and isn't fed to sleep every hour or anything, and they can become familiar with the GP's and their house then there is no reason why it wouldn't work. If they are ill they may want you in the night but otherwise should be fine. Kids get used to new routines pretty quickly. You could try daytime naps there first to get used to it then overnight when you put them to bed etc. I've never heard of anyone trying this and it not working

He was born in Jan, saw family almost daily, left end of March, visited extended family inc. PIL for 10 days in May, PIL visited for 3 days in June, we went back for 3 weeks in July, are spending 10 days with my family in October, 4 days with PIL in early Nov, will be back for 3 weeks at Xmas, and then back for good in March/April. Tbh it hardly feels like we're away!

So DS doesn't know them, but is seeing them sporadically with weekly video calls. Sounds like we'll need to phase in carefully, which is fine. I'm more concerned about whether the overnights will cause lasting (/any!) damage or attachment issues.

I think it depends on the GPs. If they will work well with you, then fine, if they indulge/bit slack or contradictory then this will cause problems.

Was literally just talking about this with my youngest (nearly 16) as she misses it - we lived a couple of miles from my parents for several years, and during that time once they got past needing breastfeeding at bedtime (and sometimes before that), all my kids stayed at least once a week with my parents. It settled down to usually one pair one night and one pair the next. For no other reason than everyone enjoyed it. They slept in my parents' room if necessary when little, and they had beds there with their own special bedding, etc.

My parents have now moved far away, and my kids have lovely relationships with them, go and stay in the holidays and so on (still with their own bedding!). They're also very close to me, phew

no probs for me I have my dgd over wed night and Thursday day to save my daughter cost of one day nursery I love it so does my dgd

@mummymeister, you make a really good point re regular reviews etc. That's part of the reason I'm so keen on the idea, I very much doubt the same offer will be forthcoming as and when we have 3 kids! Ha. Understandably.

We've already agreed to review after 3 months, formally, but the question is whether or not to even attempt the overnights. I like to think both DM and MIL will respect our requests for rules etc, but I'm sure many posters think that and it doesn't work out. Also, I anticipate increasing nursery hours when baby hits 3/3.5 yo as well, so this won't be the set up for the next 4 years anyway.

On the surface, it seems like a great idea but remember that if there's seven people involved in this arrangement then there will be politics. You can guarantee that at any given point, one person will not be happy with another.

I really don't believe it will cause lasting attachment issues in fact my experience has been something different in that regards.

With ds1 I was a very PFb mum and would absolutely not allow him away from me over night. He was in nursery while I worked but not a chance would I allow him away from me at night.

Then ds2 came along and there were some extremely serious medical issues ( ds1 didn't know I was so unwell) but it meant I disappeared for a couple of weeks . He was so wholy unused to me not being there it hit the poor kid like a ton of bricks and I massively regretted i hadn't let him acclimatise to other people caring for him overnight at least on the odd occasion

I absolutely didn't do him any favours at all , with ds2 it oddly worked itself out as sadly my marriage broke down but to be honest he is far more well adjusted in terms of separation anxiety as he has stayed at his dad's regularly since we split

It actually really might help his development

We had my DGD overnight once a week from 16 months and it's been brilliant! She's just started school and we're going to miss the sleepovers so much. It was also a huge advantage when DGS was born as she was quite happy to stay with us while DD and her DH were in hospital.

I regularly stayed with both sets of Grandparents from a very young age (my parents had me young and still had a social life). It had no ill bearing on me whatsoever, I was happy to stay even though 1 set of grandparents lived in and ran a busy guest house. I was happy and confident to go away on school trips, brownie trips, camps etc etc.

My parents even at one point left my 9 yr old self and my 2 yr old sister to go to Hong Kong for 2 weeks. we took turns at staying at both sets of grandparents. It was fun.

A friend has had her baby stay with her parents 1 night a week from a an early age as well to give her and her husband a break (baby was a very early riser) which then was ideal as she had 2 days childcare sorted out for work.

I envisaged that my own child's grandparents would be really keen to babysit (despite living far away so a less frequent occurrence) but in fact none of them want to at all, not even for a couple of hours to give my husband and I a meal or anything. I think the offer you have will be wonderful for you all. Your child will have a secure bond with all family members and also not be fearful about staying away. Ultimately you know your child the best and every child and dynamic is different.

DS wouldn't have liked it at that age; he would have missed me too much, especially when awake at night with teething (15/16 months was the worst phase for teething for him). I would have loved it though; I was exhausted!

My DS (nearly 2) spends most Tuesday nights at my Mums. She looks after him on a Tues and a Weds anyway whilst we are both at work, and him staying overnight was at her request as it was easier for her - but she's been super involved with him since he was born and often asks for his nanny even when she's not about! They have a remarkable bond - he started staying over when he was about 15 months old, but was sleeping through by the age of about 10 months.

I wouldn’t personally be happy with it. I feel every week is too much for both parents and grandparents.

The only time my son has ever stayed away the night was when I went into labour. My mum and partner had him from 11am Sunday morning through to lunchtime on Monday. My son is an early riser although he sleeps through. My mum is a young 56 and she was worn out afterwards. My son is a pretty chilled 2.5 year old as well. It is hard work looking after a toddler for that long.

Sounds far nicer and more convenient (and cheaper!)than 5 days at nursery with you having to do both drop off and pick up.

I know I may be a bit biased in this. My siblings and I were practically raised by my grandparents as both my parents worked long hours and grandparents always picked us up from school and we stayed with them until our parents finished work. We spent a lot of weekends with them and also mostly all holidays. It didn’t have any negative effect on us at all. I’m still very close to my parents and was glad I got to spend so much time with my grandparents. Now, I live across the road from my parents and my dc argue every weekend over which one of them gets to have a sleepover at their house! I honestly don’t think it does any harm and honestly growing up in that kind of positive family environment has done them the world of good.

It sounds good for everyone but you will only know for sure once you have given it a go. Why not suggest to DH that it is just a trial run until Christmas and if it doesn’t work out you will reassess then.

My DD stops at her grandparents one night a week! She loves it, and so do they. Your DC will be fine!

I wouldn't do it but everyone is different.