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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekly overnight stay at GPs

243 replies

Goostacean · 13/09/2018 14:14

In the middle of an ongoing negotiation with DH re childcare. PFB so we don't know what we're doing Grin

How will a toddler (15 months +) be affected by sleeping at grandparents', once a week?

Hypothetical situation: Monday daytime with DM (and DF when he's back from work around 6pm), overnight at GPs, Tuesday dropped back at home in the afternoon, and DM/MIL stay until we get home from work. So toddler would see a parent on Monday morning, and Tuesday evening/night. Nursery Weds-Fri.

We don't see eye-to-eye, and neither do parents/in-laws. AIBU to ask for your views? Not posting mine yet as don't want to sway the responses!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 14:57

@Frogscotch, thanks for your input - it's really helpful to hear people that don't agree with me, as much as I'd love to be vindicated!

The problem is that DH would like baby to home in case he can come home from work early. I don't think he's ever been home before 7pm, though... And certainly not on a Monday! I love that he wants to see DS, esp as he misses out during the week, but I suspect the reality will be yet more pressure on me to juggle everything whilst he's abroad for months on end due to his job. :(

I'm trying to be reasonable (AIBU?? Grin) but not screw myself and my career over.

OP posts:
Onthebrink87 · 13/09/2018 14:58

Should also add that i have always had a very good relationship with my parents but saw gm as another mum, i dont remember once being upset to be away from dp's

drspouse · 13/09/2018 14:59

I would love for this to happen but for us, my DM cannot cope either with the practicalities of small children or with my DS' behaviour.
I'm not sure if, once DD settled in with her, she'd be able to cope with DD's behaviour either.
I would have issues around the way she deals with DS' behaviour and I would be cautious if you think you and your DH may clash with your DPs over how they bring up/feed/discipline your DC.

theoneoffnamechange · 13/09/2018 15:00

I am not sure if I am the only one saying this, but in fact afaik psychologists advise against overnight stays away from primary care giver (usually the mother) until at least 5 yrs. Unless absolutely necessary. This goes for situations where there is shared parental responsibility too, though apparently courts usually ignore it.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 13/09/2018 15:02

@theoneoff can you link to the research that claims that?

CowInTheMeadow · 13/09/2018 15:04

Sorry, how is he ever going to come home early on a Monday if he stays away Mon-Thu?

Apologies if I've misunderstood something.

SassitudeandSparkle · 13/09/2018 15:05

I think that research was on parents who are already separated, not a couple living together (the overnight stays one).

Bluelady · 13/09/2018 15:05

Five? Blimey, my son must be well messed up then. He first stayed with my mum without me when he was five months old and very frequently thereafter. He absolutely adored her and it was entirely mutual.

Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 15:06

@Sassitude, it was actually DM who suggested it, before we'd even thought about childcare for our return. Originally she suggested two nights (Sun/Mon) but I'm happy to agree with DH/PIL that that's too much.

MIL is very happy to help out, but has been less specific on what exactly she'd like to commit to. DM is very clear on what she can/can't do because of the constraints of her job and the longish journey each way.

Currently in this scenario MIL can do Tuesday afternoons and nursery pick ups if she'd like. I'm trying to sort out the overnight agreement with DH before we discuss other timings with PIL. PIL live 10 mins away so there's less of a "need" for overnights with them, although I'm happy to agree to them! (Maybe I don't love DC enough?!)

OP posts:
raisedbyguineapigs · 13/09/2018 15:08

But surely if he came home early from work he could just pop in and collect DC? It doesn't have to be Exactly the same every week. The gp's are family. And if he works abroad Mon-Thursday when will he be able to come home early? I collected my DC from nursery/childminder early whenever I felt like it without giving it a second thought. I'm not good with routines though 😁

Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 15:09

@Cow, that's exactly my question... Hmm The issue is that DH's work is project based. Projects are usually 3-4 months long, and he can be UK based or based abroad, depending on the location of the client. So when he's based abroad, he will never be there on Mondays, basically.

OP posts:
Brown76 · 13/09/2018 15:09

Mine slept over at MIL's most Saturday nights from 14 months, they bed shared as we do at home and they are very close. I have had to accept some differences in how we parent (treat giving/screen time) but in the long run it has been beneficial for all of us. We do all generally get along well and respect each other so that has been key.

Original poster
Goostacean · 13/09/2018 15:11

@theoneoffnamechange Will be EXTREMELY interested in your source for that research please!! PIL have this exact concern, and I don't know how valid it is.

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 13/09/2018 15:12

40 minutes away isn't that far though, really. I don't see it as a reason for an overnight stay tbh. Sounds more like a grandparent ploy to me!

If your child doesn't know their grandparents well there is no way I'd do this tbh. How long have you been abroad for?

doodleygirl · 13/09/2018 15:12

My DD is now 24, she stayed with her Grandma every Tuesday night (bar holidays etc) from about 12 months until she left for Uni Grin she loved it, my mum loved it (well thats what she told me!).

They have an amazing bond, there were absolutely no negatives at all.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 13/09/2018 15:13

@sass you're right. The issues then arise due to the conflict and emotional stress already present. A completely different set of circumstances which obviously aren't applicable here.

tessica2 · 13/09/2018 15:15

@theoneoffnamechange I would also be really interested in this source. I am a child psychologist and have never given this advice, so would be interested to read the evidence behind it

Thanks

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 13/09/2018 15:16

OP there is no academic basis for @oneoff's claims. Don't let it worry you unduly

SassitudeandSparkle · 13/09/2018 15:16

psychcentral.com/news/2013/07/21/overnight-stays-away-from-home-affect-babies-attachments/57400.html

This might be the one they are thinking about - as I said, it's based on separated parents , easily found on a web search after reading this thread.

tessica2 · 13/09/2018 15:19

@SassitudeandSparkle thanks for the link. This is just one article and I will try and download the journal article later on a pc so can't comment on the research done yet

From an attachment point of view, OP I would not be worried about overnight stays generally, I would probably no start for a while until grandparents and children have had time to get to know each other as they may not have spent much time together

Personally I wouldn't like this arrangement to be weekly by I don't think it will be a bad thing if it works for you

tessica2 · 13/09/2018 15:21

Sorry that should say

I wouldn't like this to be a weekly arrangement for me*

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 13/09/2018 15:21

That study is about very young babies not toddlers ... In fact the stats on toddlers were claimed to be unreliable as were the stats on more frequent overnight stays away from the primary care giver.
That study, as you mention, is looking at separated parents which throws a whole load of other issues into the mix which have a much larger effect.
The positive bond and relationships built with grandparents will outweigh any ( negligible) negative impact.

timeisnotaline · 13/09/2018 15:23

I think weekly would be too much for me, partly just because of how I feel, partly because we have bad sleepers and partly because I am much more strict than my mil and don’t really do tv and she’d do more sweets than I do. Which is fine on a treat basis but not weekly ( for me)

HOWEVER if my dh were regularly away with work and objected to childcare arrangements I was putting in place to make life workable he could take a long jump off a short pier, quit his job to be Monday dad or shut up about it and never mention it again.

QforCucumber · 13/09/2018 15:24

40 minutes away isn't that far though, really.

on a morning, before work to do a drop off of course it is - over an hour out of your way to drop him off means a very early morning, whereas if he's already there the night before a much less rushed morning all round.

SassitudeandSparkle · 13/09/2018 15:25

Blaa it seems likely in this case the toddler doesn't know the grandparents very well yet. That does make a difference IMO.