Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?

[CityFarmer]

Just that really, did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?
It's got to the stage I can't protect my kids from seeing it. I suspect my eldest has seen more than I've thought I've protected him from, certainly heard arguments.

Despite the split lips, stitches, bruises, fear. His numerous online relationships.
I think this will be what breaks me.
I'm not in love with him, a few months ago I explained I wanted to stop all this, I'd not cry if he left or we divorced, there's no love left for him. Yet here I am, stuck.

Before anyone suggests to LTB. I, and many domestic violence sufferers now this already, but still stuck.

I'm stuck because I'm too embarassed to say the words out loud that I need help.
I think soon I'll have to tell the police, or his family or mine. As soon as I do, there's no going back, it will all end. But the words stick in my throat. I can't get them out. I can't protect myself, but I want to save my kids from this.

My priority is to shield the kids. I have no one IRL to ask this Q. did you witness your mum (or dad) getting hurt as a child? What's your opinion of both your parents now?

I used to beg my mum to leave my dad. She never did. Being regularly woken up and made to go downstairs to watch my dad beat my mum up is the defining thing I remember about my childhood.

OP thank you for coming on here and asking for responses. I don't think any of us who have been the kids in this situation, and who are now adults (and I'm well on the far side of middle age) would ever try to minimise how hard it was for our mums, or how hard it is for you now. But you know you can't go on like this, either for your sake, or for your DCs.

Leaving is the most difficult thing of all. Finding help is the most difficult thing of all. But you've made am amazing start by posting here, so thank you. I really mean that.

No one should have to suffer this and I truly hope you can find the strength within yourself to speak out and get help. You can do this

Yes I did- My dad beat up my mum almosy daily, including hospitalisation much of the time.
I witnessed him pull her down the stairs holding her hair and making sure she 'headbutted' every stair, then threw her into the radiator which split her head open. She finally left when I was 11.
Thank goodness he is dead now.
It's never too late to leave.. x

I called the WA number, and left a voicemail. After a few false starts, attempt 4 I've read out part of my OP. I've said out loud, to no one but myself and the voicemail that I'm struggling with a DV situation that I cant sheild my kids from, that isn't okay or appropriate. That I'm practicing just finding the words to say it out loud.
Attempt 5, I've said it clearer more direct. There's occurrences when my husband hits me. It's happened from 18, until recently, I'm 30. Last time it's happened in front of my kids. thats the last boundary thats been crossed. So I'm trying to find the words to say what's happening out loud.

Im hoping next time, I'll say it out loud to a person.

Hi op - I think you're incredibly brave. Posting on here is the first tiny step to saying it out loud. As pp's have suggested contacting your local women's aid would be a good first move - I have experience with them and they won't force you to disclose any more than you're comfortable with. My local branch has a weekly drop in coffee morning where you can go along for support or just for a chat. Might be worth seeing if there's anything like that near you so you could at least test the water? In my experience they will support you to do what you need to do but they won't push you to leave before you are ready - all at your own pace with you in control - after all what would be the point if they took over controlling you? They also offer some recovery programs for children which will be worth investigating. Big hand hold and hug from me - you're stronger than you think you are

Cross post op - well done!

This is one of the saddest threads I have read in a long time. So many lives blighted by hateful abusive parents and damaged childhoods.
It's so terribly sad. But it's so important.
This started when I was 18, so selfishly I feel my young adulthood has been blighted by this too.
I hope my eldest forgives my part in this sadness. Xx

@DidIMissSomething
That's really valuable information, thank you

I saw my dad beat my mum. My mum did not leave as she had no where to go. Things were very different 30 plus years ago. There is so much help now. I do not hate my parents at all. Still speak to both as do my siblings. But I have no idea of how to have a healthy adult relationship. I have had major anger problems. Blamed my parents when things haven't gone right in my life, but now I know I can't keep blaming them.

If you google women’s refuge and your area you may find that the refuge has an email address. You may find it easier to start the conversation in writing. You should be so proud of everything you’ve done so far

Your early 30’s OP it’s the new early adulthood and you have a good life ahead of you

You can do this OP

And I agree, this thread is incredibly sad. to all those who have suffered and are suffering the consequences. OP, you are recognising and starting to move forward, keep going. From age 18 you weren't much more than a child yourself. There's so much better out there waiting for you and your children.

Oh CityFarmer

Well done for calling WA, it's a huge step. You are very strong to hold that last boundary. You are absolutely right - none of this is acceptable, not one single one of the evil things he has done to you, but hitting you in front of your little children - this man is a dangerous animal and if he was a dog he would be put down. You do not deserve this, your children do not deserve this. He is only getting away with it because he can.

Don't be scared of your life being turned upside down. By the sound of it, the only way is up.

Can i suggest you do some positive visualisation of what your future might look like? Not the messy bit between here and there, but the other side of the bank, say in 6 months time.

Imagine a home of your own - maybe not a huge home, but a place with enough room for you and your three beautiful children. Imagine the pictures you would want to put on the walls, the mess you might choose to just leave for a few days, where you might want to put the furniture. Imagine all 'his' things not there. Imagine him not there, never having been there, never going to be there. Imagine him not even knowing your address.

Imagine coming home from the school run with your children. Imagine making tea for them, your eldest 'helping' in the kitchen, your little ones playing, making as much noise as they like without the hairs on your neck rising that he's going to get annoyed. Imagine choosing food you and they like. Imagine his key never turning in the door. Imagine when they've gone to bed, you would have time. Time to just be. To do whatever you like, or nothing if you like. To try and remember who you used to want to be before he took you over and start making your own way towards that, in your own time.

Imagine how free you would feel.

There might be money worries, you might be very busy trying to stay on top of things, you might sometimes feel lonely.

But that sick, scared, eggshells feeling, that feeling of being hated and treated with contempt by the person who should love you most, that knowing that whatever you do will never be enough to save you from the eventual blow up, the inevitable 'next time', the constant scrambling trying anyway. That would all be gone. Forever.

People WILL help you get there. This is not a wild fantasy. It is a normal life, and it IS waiting for you on the other side. Tell your family. Tell the police. Reach out. There will be hands reaching out to take yours and lead you through the hard part. But your children need you to lead them with your other hand, and no-one can do that for them except you as long as nobody else knows you, and they, need that help.

Please please take care of yourself. You deserve it.

I witnessed my mum being abused.

I hate my mother now, on top of the abuser.

We are dead to eachother.

Saw my Mother abuse my father. No I won't forgive her because it allowed the pattern to repeat, albeit the other way round. She is however a diagnosed narcissist. When I finally split from dh, the amount of people who said you married your mother was unbelievable.
I too should have left sooner, and I had a lot of threads on here before I left. I did it with the support of this place and here I am further down the line, happy and safe, as are my dc.
I started off by posting on here and then went to the GP, got her to get the thread up and she read it, so I didn't have to actually say anything.
Good luck op, the other side is so much better.

I also have Borderline PD now. Deffo think witnessing the abuse and feeling like my mum picked her boyfriend over me played a huge part.

I told my mum I wished he'd killed her.

It took me a long time to forgive my mother; I called her weak, and as I became a teenager I grew into verbally abusing her also. I was better than he was at finding the words that would deconstruct her the most; I knew exactly how to break her.

As adults we have a much better relationship, mostly because I took it upon myself to build one, and to try to repair the damage. We are very mindful about being kind to each other these days, and we're close but we'll never be close in the way that she's close with my little sister (who also loves our abusive father). She is an excellent grandmother, though I'm never sure that I would trust her to protect my children.

@CityFarmer, I am so proud of you for making these attempts to seek help. You are absolutely doing the right thing, for yourself and your children. x

Yes, I did. I didn't see the actual incident but I saw the aftermath. The broken ribs, my grandmother coming to take care of us, the recriminations. The upshot was I have no respect for either parent and very little relationship (maybe see them once a year, if that). I see both of them as weak people and terrible parents. That, and other incidences throughout my childhood, means I have zero tolerance for violence from men and massive, massive trust issues which does undermine my relationships with most people on some level. You let it stick in your throat if you like but do it knowing your own relationship with your children will most likely be damaged. Or be brave and do something about it. Only you can change it.

OP, you are practising the steps needed. Keep going. You can do this. Do it for your kids and to save your relationship with them. Just fucking do it. He has taken your bravery and strength from you. Now is the time to take it back. Do it now.

It took me a long time to forgive my mother; I called her weak, and as I became a teenager I grew into verbally abusing her also. I was better than he was at finding the words that would deconstruct her the most; I knew exactly how to break her

I told my mum I wished he'd killed her
Me too . Then she died and I have hated myself since.
I still feel guilt that I'm not a better daughter to my dad even though we are no contact I feel I have to send him an Xmas card, it churns me up from September every year and I wonder if he is sad and alone. A consequence of being made to feel responsible for his moods as a child.
A lifetime of MH disorders.
It never leaves you
I truly believe you have a chance to stop all of that though.
I felt like my mum put her need to have sex above us. With hindsight I know she didn't but as a child it felt like it. I didn't know how she could have sex with a man who had thrown me onto the floor and kicked me repeatedly once I was down there.
Made me feel sick
The reason she wouldn't leave was because she was scared people wouldn't respect her.

Ironic.

I said all that bad stuff to her when I was about 17. I didn't live with her at this point anyway, so she cut contact and blocked me on SM. Never got a birthday card or anything since. Even when I was 19 and pregnant with her first grandchild, and I managed to contact her to tell her she was welcome in my child's life and that we could try to make it work for the sake of the next generation not having a broken family like we did etc, she said she couldn't (not even directly, through another family member).

DD is 2.5 now and she has never met my mother, and that's my mother's unfortunate choice. She's the one missing out on an amazing little girl again...

Very sorry you’re in this situation. Well done for taking a step.

It’s not about whether your DC can forgive you (or their abusive father) in the future, it’s about what you can now do to minimise any further negative impacts on them.

The sooner you can leave the better.

I haven't had any contact with my younger siblings since that fateful day anyway. I'd actually just come out of a bad therapy session at the time I sent her the message saying how I truly felt about her. She had bipolar and has said and done some terrible stuff in her time, so I really thought as an adult who has been though so much in their childhood also, they might have a little more understanding or empathy with how I was feeling/reacting. I was an angry, out-of-control teen who was sectioned not soon after. Mum didn't ask how I was, or come to see me, even though she'd been through all that herself.

She really meant it when she said she never wanted to see me again.

Omg so sorry, didn't mean to write that much! Just came out sorry OP!!