Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends without kids

314 replies

Musicforthemasses18 · 12/09/2018 14:48

Best friend of 20 years doesn’t have kids. We have been trying to meet up for ages- I have offered 2 possible dates where I was going to travel to her & take a day off work.

But she’s pissed off that I can’t stay & that I have to get back to pick the kids up from school. I’d have 5 hours & am travelling to get to get to her. She’s now said she can’t do the dates I have offered & is being difficult.

Aibu to think it’s so fucking hard sometimes trying to explain to people without kids what it’s like to work full time plus raise 2 kids- sort out childcare, manage their clubs & weekend stuff etc.

I feel like taking a days annual leave & offering to travel is making an effort but she’s making it SO hard for me- like I should feel guilty.

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 12/09/2018 18:26

MrMeSeeks I'm not sure what's offensive about that? It covers alot, I meant including socialising in hobbies. What else is there?!

Maybe as just because i don’t yet have kids, does not mean i’m not as busy.
People do have people who rely on them.
I would love to spend time socialising, my friend with kids probably does that more than i do.

IcedPurple · 12/09/2018 18:27

But people without kids will just never understand. What it's like to juggle 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh but we do understand.

That's why we chose not to inflict such a stressful lifestyle upon ourselves!

But thanks for the patronising comment anyway.

MrsStrowman · 12/09/2018 18:29

Why does it have to be you who rushes back to pick the DCs up? Can your DP not do it if you do drop off, seeing as you're catching up with a friend you've not seen for a while, if you're not going to get there until mid morning then have to leave by one to pick them up if does seem pointless travelling all that time. You don't have to stay over but could stay for dinner then head home

WelcomeToShootingStars · 12/09/2018 18:32

I feel I have to ask though - where is the other parent in all this? Aside from single parent families, or perhaps ones where a parent works away, childcare is shared between 2 parents, no?

Lizzie48 · 12/09/2018 18:35

I think it's sad that this has degenerated into a bunfight. I do get what @Mummyoflittledragon meant about the OP's friend being childish; it's just the kind of reaction my DDs might have if a sleepover can't happen. Adults are supposed to be able to put themselves into other people's shoes.

She wasn't saying that all people who don't have children are by definition childish, so there's no need to take it personally.

The friend would be a selfish person whether of not she had children. You only need to read the many threads about CF school mums.

KERALA1 · 12/09/2018 18:37

Darent enter this angry debate but the friend sounds a real stropster I hope she is fantastically good company or has some other redeeming features? On reading the op I would file her under "too bloody hard" and bail on the whole endeavour

JustDanceAddict · 12/09/2018 18:38

My bf doesn’t have kids and is busier than me!! I think it’s problematic when one friend is free in day and other in evening for example. It’s about compromise.

bringincrazyback · 12/09/2018 18:42

OP, I'm childfree by choice and, bypassing the sniping on here which I have only skim read, I feel people like your friend give us all a bad name. She's being selfish and lacking empathy here, and those aren't stellar friendship traits whatever the scenario.

To those who are sniping at people in the other 'camp' - does it really have to be this way? Mums versus non-mums, with battle lines firmly drawn? Seems sad to me.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 12/09/2018 18:44

do get what @Mummyoflittledragon meant about the OP's friend being childish

I think that I lot of people can accurately be described as childish. Some of those people have children. Some don't. It was the implication that she is childish because she doesn't have children that is getting people's backs up - rightly or wrongly. As mummyoflittledragon should have realised is that it is very tiring when you don't have children and people often think that you are less mature, less responsible, less busy, less important and just fucking less....compared to parents.

However, everyone can have a bad day and write something that can mean so,etching else and so the bullying of @mummyoflittledragon is not really on.

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mouthkisses · 12/09/2018 18:48

It's not about being busy, it's about having a caring responsibility. If someone childfree had an elderly parent that needed meals prepared or help getting into bed, I'd be equally exasperated at a pushy friend's demands.

There is a difference between being busy with a yoga class and an obligation to keep another's body and soul together.

YANBU

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2018 18:48

Just that you're busy with a job and hobbies rather than children.

When you’re in a hole, stop fucking digging.

IcedPurple · 12/09/2018 18:49

Just that you're busy with a job and hobbies rather than children

Why is this distinction (even if true) so important? And did it never occur to you that the childfree might have caring responsibilities, have medical issues which require attention or other factors which cut into their time?

And why is 'being busy' such an achievement in any case?

sleepylittlebunnies · 12/09/2018 18:51

I don’t think it’s about being busy. I was busy before I had kids working full time shift work but had flexibility to come and go as I pleased. Now my kids are in school and I am part time working shifts I am less busy but I am tied to school drop off and pick up times and being home when they are. I have plenty of time on my hands and can juggle and rearrange things to suit friends and appointments but I couldn’t stay overnight at a friends on a school night as DH doesn’t have the flexibility to start work after school drop off.

If I was taking annual leave and doing the travelling to my friends I’d be a bit put out if they thought I wasn’t making any effort just because I have a responsibility to kids I chose to have and rely on me.

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoboticSealpup · 12/09/2018 18:58

Some childfree people are not as busy as some parents. Stop generalising.

Ok, let's point out the obvious, seeing as it's clearly needed. Children are an additional responsibility that parents have on top of all the other responsibilities in their lives. All things being equal, a person with a full time job, elderly parents, a dog, an exercise regime and two children are busier than a person with a full time job, elderly parents, a dog and an exercise regime.

I wish the "children are just an eccentric lifestyle choice" brigade could just get off Mumsnet.

Celestia26 · 12/09/2018 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 12/09/2018 19:06

No that's only true in some cases, not all. As I said, stop generalising.

Why do some parents need to compete with us to see who is having the shittiest or most busy life? Some people are busier than others. Full stop. Reproductive status is a factor, but not the be all and end all. No one knows the pressures that any other person is under, it really, so it is naive to make assumptions based on one factor in a persons life.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 12/09/2018 19:06

RoboticSealpup I think they are forgetting they are on MUMSnet. You know, the website that is by PARENTS for PARENTS

Bingo

WelcomeToShootingStars · 12/09/2018 19:08

Busy is busy. Why such a need to have a one upmanship over what makes people busy? If you have little free time then you are busy!!

If someone has many different hobbies taking up their time, they are still busy and still have to prioritise.

Lord above.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 12/09/2018 19:10

Also - there are many reasons why people without children may be members here.

Perhaps try and reign in the shitty attitude.

Daisymalone · 12/09/2018 19:14

I think your friend is probably just a little disappointed and isn't handling it well. If you've been trying to meet up for ages she probably would have liked to have made more of an 'event' of it e.g, a night out/ pub evening/ girly night in/ whatever you used to do together pre kids. To her it probably seems that you are just throwing in a quick visit for a couple of hours to placate her before rushing back home to your much more important priorities! In all honesty I'd probably want to rearrange to a time when you are more available so you could give each other your full attention for a proper catch up! She is being unreasonable to expect you to do all the travelling however...

MrMeSeeks · 12/09/2018 19:15

didn't say childless people weren't busy. Just that you're busy with a job and hobbies rather than children. And that jobs and hobbies can be temporary and can change over time. I don't think that's unfair.....

Right, i’ll stop caring for the elderly family members and the sick animals i care for then.
Maybe then i’ll actually have time for socialising?
As im childfree, clearly socialising and a job is all i have Hmm
Massive generalisation me thinks Hmm

SinglePringle · 12/09/2018 19:15

@Celestia, I think it’s looooooong since been established that MN is far bigger than ‘just’ a parenting site. After all, that what do the threads about Strictly, Elderly Parents and Pets have to do with the ability to procreate?

I agree with the PP that it’s sad to see how many people disparage child free people. How superior some parents on this thread seem to be.

And I speak as someone who’s spent many many many many many Saturday nights drinking wine in my friends kitchens (as they were unable to go out).

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2018 19:15

I think they are forgetting they are on MUMSnet. You know, the website that is by PARENTS for PARENTS.

MNHQ have made it clear of hundreds of occasions that everyone is welcome here as long as they’re not an arsehole.

Only arseholes claim otherwise. Why the fuck do you think they have an infertility board?