Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not actually like my 5 yo nephew?

142 replies

darksoy · 11/09/2018 13:26

Just back from a family get together, two days with siblings and their children. In total 8 children ranging from 4 through to 11. Of these, 7 are absolutely delightful. Polite, friendly, play nicely together, engage with the adults, laugh, interact, don't ever seem to cry etc. etc. Basically really nice kids. However, there's a set of twins in the family who live abroad in Norway, boy and a girl (mum is from that way). They are 5 years old. The girl twin is adorable if a little bit shy. But she makes eye contact, smiles at you etc. And she seems to play nicely with the others. Her english is basic but she can understand english pretty well. Her brother however, I just can't warm to. Realise this is an awful thing to say about a 5 yr old, but I just find him so...cold. There's shy, and there's just plain rude, I think. He won't every really say hello or goodbye, or make eye contact. When I attempted to give him a 'fist bump' by way of saying goodnight (he wouldn't want a hug off me), he smashed his fist against my hand so hard it actually hurt; I was quite taken aback ( I didn't say anything, just laughed). I appreciate that five year old boys can be boisterous but in general he seems a to play with things a bit roughly. He also seems to cry a lot to get his own way, and it's like his parents are terrified of seeing him bored or unhappy. He seems to not say thank you either. ABIU to think that this child is spoiled, or is it too early to tell if he has more serious behavioural issues? It's the lack of engagement with others that I find particularly odd. Hate to sound so judgemental and I'm sure parents often do things for an easier life, fair play really, and I feel mean to dislike such a young child, but I really do dislike this child. Am I awful?!

OP posts:
TheStoic · 11/09/2018 13:29

I don’t like all children, just as I don’t like all adults.

As long as you’re not actively negative towards him, I wouldn’t overthink it.

Cheeseplantandpickle · 11/09/2018 13:29

Some children are less charming than others; there could be a host of reasons he’s this way, you’re the adult and need to be impartial and kind to all children. I know what you mean, but yes, YABU.

Gardeninginsummer1 · 11/09/2018 13:30

Em . ... yes. I love my nephews... both my sister's and my husband's brothers children. I don't see some of them often but they're family and I love them and would do anything for them. Of course 5 year olds can be annoying but you're meant to be a grown up🤔

DancingDot · 11/09/2018 13:34

Hmmmm....there could be several reasons why he doesn't want to talk to you or make eye contact. There could be reasons he prefers rough physical contact.

You sound like you didn't even try to understand this child.

Maybe he just didn't like you.

Haworthia · 11/09/2018 13:34

Some children are difficult to warm to, for sure. My cousin’s so has just started secondary school and he refuses to speak to most adults, including his own grandparents. My mum and dad (his great aunt/uncle) used to make an effort to be friendly with him, but don’t bother now beyond an initial “hello”.

Likewise, my nephew was incredibly whiny and would always turn the mildest squabble with my kids into crying and drama. He’s much better now.

So, YANBU.

PaddyF0dder · 11/09/2018 13:35

Maybe he’s on the autistic spectrum?

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 11/09/2018 13:35

I don't particularly like my dgs op.
Be glad they aren't local!

ProcrastinatingPingu · 11/09/2018 13:38

YANBU, you can’t help if you don’t like someone, even if he is a child and part of your family.

I generally don’t like other people’s children, but some are lovely and polite and I can’t help but think they’re great little people.
We don’t have any young children in my immediate family, and we won’t be getting any soon, so I can’t comment from that point of view.

KC225 · 11/09/2018 13:38

Oh gawd. Boy/girl twin mum here. It's so difficult, everyone always compares their behaviour - ALWAYS it's draining. I am sure twin mums will be on here saying, my two sat quietly doing crosswords or reading Proust at 3, 4 or 5 but mine were like a couple of mad wrestling ferrets on speed. If they weren't conspiring they were trying to gouge each others eyes out.

Mine have quietened down now. 11 and still alive (by that I mean me). He is only 5 you don't have to like his boisterous 5 year old behaviour but you can reserve judgement and assume he will have matured into a more pleasant little boy on a future visit.

darksoy · 11/09/2018 13:38

Well firstly important to say that I would NEVER treat a child differently. Totally agree on that, and it's obvious that as an adult this is how you behave. I get that. But if anything I feel like I DO make a lot of effort to be kind and nice and friendly to this child, try to make him laugh, buy him nice presents, and get absolutely nothing in return, emotionally. Does that make sense? It's just so apparent because my relationships with all of the other kids is lovely, and I do nothing differently with them. I just wonder sometimes whether there's some other reason that he's like this, is he just spoiled, or perhaps he has some kind of behavioural thing. Wondered if anyone had experienced similar.

OP posts:
FizzyWizzyFlash · 11/09/2018 13:42

Yes you are awful

Yabu

You're a grown adult. Don't take things so personally especially when it involves are child. And before you say 'I'm not taking it personally', the fact that you're talking about it and having a moan about your 5 year old nephew means you've taken it personally otherwise you wouldn't mention it and just carried on with life.

There are many things that will affect his behaviour. He's 5 years old for goodness sake. Give him a chance to grow up and find his feet.

You clearly don't have children.

darksoy · 11/09/2018 13:42

@KC225 - yeah - I can see that it probably feels like a lazy comparison to make, the whole twin thing. I guess I've done that because it's the only point of reference I have in a way, in a sense that these two share parents, and one is sweet and the other, not so much. But that's not to say they should have the same personalities! I have thought about the autistic spectrum, yes. It might be obvious but I don't have my own children yet/ so I suppose I have no idea if five years old is too old for temper tantrums? I guess maybe not?

OP posts:
DancingDot · 11/09/2018 13:44

But if anything I feel like I DO make a lot of effort to be kind and nice and friendly to this child, try to make him laugh, buy him nice presents, and get absolutely nothing in return, emotionally

Most decent human beings are not kind to children to get something in return. You are clearly angling for someone to arm-chair diagnose ASD! Why don't you just say it? Why don't you speak to your sibling about their child? They will not appreciate your judgements though.

KC225 · 11/09/2018 13:44

Just seen that the mum is from Norway. I am currently living in Sweden. I have posted on here before at the lack of manners in the local children. Some friends Welsh friends visting their half Swedish grandchildren were so shocked at the lack of please/thank yous. It doesn't seem to be a big deal over here in the Nordics.

Cheeseplantandpickle · 11/09/2018 13:45

I think sometimes we expect a lot of young children. That they should understand social conventions that some adults find hard to navigate. Most children grow into themselves, some don’t.

darksoy · 11/09/2018 13:46

FizzyWizzy - just because I don't have children doesn't mean I can't state what I see - you don't have to be a wonderful cook to appreciate good food. I'm aware that I AM probably judging his parents here, because I feel they have spoiled him. I feel bad about that. But I don't think you can like every child. And I was wondering whether his behaviour is a sign of something OTHER than just being a bit spoiled. Don't have a go at me for maybe expecting the odd hello or thank you

OP posts:
darksoy · 11/09/2018 13:49

Thanks KC225 maybe that goes some way to explaining things. And yes I am curious to see if others have experience with things like ADD or asperger's, realise we are not necessarily medical professionals but am not afraid to admit it's crossed my mind.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 11/09/2018 13:49

Wow op, do you have kids of your own? You sound like your judging every child's character, and what you have mentioned are very minor. Maybe he is picking up vibes from you? He sounds like me 6 year old ds who has developmental delay, and speech and language and communication difficulties. He is shy at first, but once he knows you, he will become more confident. All children are different, they are not all switched on animated beings, with impeccable manners. I think you are expecting too much from a boy who does not know you and who is still very young.

araiwa · 11/09/2018 13:50

Yanbu

Not all kids are sweetness and honey

KC225 · 11/09/2018 13:51

Another thing. He will still be in dagis (nursery) as in Norway they don't start school until 6. We noticed a massive difference in 'maturity' when we arrived four years ago. Our kids had done 3 years at a strict catholic school. The kids in their class had just completed one year of reception Tuesday to Friday morning.

Please don't say anything to your sibling. It will not be appreciated.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/09/2018 13:54

I know a boy like this who does not have SN, and I have known him since he was a baby, and he was not a talkative boy, hardly spoke to you when I went to my friends house, now he is a very polite and talkative 15 year old, who is lovely. They are still so young and still not fully developed. If he was nasty or aggressive or bullying, than yes I would agree with you, but he is not. He does not know you, and just seems very shy. Just leave him, and accept him for how he is. If he wants to come to you, he will.

darksoy · 11/09/2018 13:54

Interesing KC225 and no, I would never say anything to sibling.

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 11/09/2018 13:55

You clearly don't have children oh, fuck off.
Children are human being. So of course some of them are unpleasant, even unlikeable. The best thing to do is stay polite, pleasant, and fait, and not invest emotionally in them.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 11/09/2018 13:56

*fair

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 11/09/2018 13:57

I don't have my own children yet

No kidding. 😂

You spent a couple of days with the kid in what was an unfamiliar and overcrowded environment for him. Give the kid a break. You have absolutely no idea what he’s like day to day, yet here you are having a moan about him on the internet. Do you have so little else going on in your life?

YABVU. And a bit hilarious.