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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not actually like my 5 yo nephew?

142 replies

darksoy · 11/09/2018 13:26

Just back from a family get together, two days with siblings and their children. In total 8 children ranging from 4 through to 11. Of these, 7 are absolutely delightful. Polite, friendly, play nicely together, engage with the adults, laugh, interact, don't ever seem to cry etc. etc. Basically really nice kids. However, there's a set of twins in the family who live abroad in Norway, boy and a girl (mum is from that way). They are 5 years old. The girl twin is adorable if a little bit shy. But she makes eye contact, smiles at you etc. And she seems to play nicely with the others. Her english is basic but she can understand english pretty well. Her brother however, I just can't warm to. Realise this is an awful thing to say about a 5 yr old, but I just find him so...cold. There's shy, and there's just plain rude, I think. He won't every really say hello or goodbye, or make eye contact. When I attempted to give him a 'fist bump' by way of saying goodnight (he wouldn't want a hug off me), he smashed his fist against my hand so hard it actually hurt; I was quite taken aback ( I didn't say anything, just laughed). I appreciate that five year old boys can be boisterous but in general he seems a to play with things a bit roughly. He also seems to cry a lot to get his own way, and it's like his parents are terrified of seeing him bored or unhappy. He seems to not say thank you either. ABIU to think that this child is spoiled, or is it too early to tell if he has more serious behavioural issues? It's the lack of engagement with others that I find particularly odd. Hate to sound so judgemental and I'm sure parents often do things for an easier life, fair play really, and I feel mean to dislike such a young child, but I really do dislike this child. Am I awful?!

OP posts:
Naty1 · 11/09/2018 14:30

Some kids are genuinely annoyinh and they enjoy winding people up.
Imo no eye contact and not wanting to chat to his Aunt or say P &Q are not that important.
My cousin as a child would sit on his handheld games when we visited, his sister would play and chat. Tbh i think this is quite typical of boys vs girls. Girls are more social.
Some kids love interacting with adults and others want to play alone/with other kids.
In fact in some ways a child maore happy to interact with adults has more of an issue as adults lead a conversation

DiegoMad0nna · 11/09/2018 14:30

My eldest was painfully shy when he was 3 or 4. When we took him to visit his grandparents overseas he barely spoke a word for the first week we were there. Hardly looked at them. With us at home he was a bubbly happy toddler who never stopped speaking, but in new places around new people he was very very timid. Eventually he opened up to them (luckily we were there for a month so he had time to get used to things), but if I had thought for one second that his grandparents were taking it personally in that first week, I would have been extremely disappointed in them.

didofido · 11/09/2018 14:30

MN at it's best!!
The "all children are, or will be, wonderful little people" and if you don't like one, for whatever reason, you are a mean old bitch, and, of course, have no little angels of your own.

For what it's worth I have children and grandchildren - and sometimes I meet kids who are downright nasty little buggers. May be the fault of their parents (who may also be vile) but there it is....

Hoppinggreen · 11/09/2018 14:32

I dont like quite a few people, some of them are children and some of them are family and some are both
As long as you are pleasant it’s ok not to like people, whatever their age

Nothisispatrick · 11/09/2018 14:33

YANBU. As one pp already said, I don’t like all children the same way I don’t like all adults. Some just aren’t nice.

SinkGirl · 11/09/2018 14:34

Realise this is an awful thing to say about a 5 yr old, but I just find him so...cold. There's shy, and there's just plain rude, I think. He won't every really say hello or goodbye, or make eye contact.

This makes me so sad. I have beautiful twin boys, one of whom is diagnosed with various neurological issues and being investigated for more. This could describe him, he’s such a lovely boy but struggles with eye contact. He’s not rude.

MarshaBradyo · 11/09/2018 14:34

Nah Mn loves a I loathe all other people’s children thread

He’s five, so small, it’s probably just a phase.

Itsnotabingthingisit · 11/09/2018 14:35

YANU to dislike a particular child, although the behaviour you have witnessed in this case isn't that unusual or unreasonable in my opinion.

Some kids are nasty pieces of work. That's just the way they are. It often stems for poor parenting with no boundaries.

You only have to go to a kids a party or to a soft play to see kids that deliberately like hurting others,have no sense of right or wrong and have no basic manners.

I remember my friend sadly telling me how much he disliked his Grandson, who was a disrespectful, nasty little shit to most people but particularly horrible to him. His sibling was lovely, but despite his best efforts this boy was like he was.

MarshaBradyo · 11/09/2018 14:35

Sinkgirl I’m sure he’s not, don’t worry about this stuff

darksoy · 11/09/2018 14:40

This is all really interesting, thank you everyone. I realise it is not possible to get a full view of a personality if you only see the person infrequently. Also one does of course have to account for unfamiliar surroundings, general overwhelming nature of a big get-together. but to reiterate, it seems to be a pattern of just slightly 'off' behaviour. From the responses it does seem like it's not really possible to read anything much into a five year old's behaviour, or at least, it's not necessarily indicative of what he will be like when he's older. Regarding the twin thing, it's almost impossible to say this without sounding like I am judging, but from what I observe, it seems like the girl hangs out with the mum, and the boy hangs out with the dad. It is the dad who (in my opinion) spoils the boy. Lets him get away with things. This is just my view. But it is striking (to me) how segregated the sexes are in that family! Again, not trying to overly judge here. Just what I've observed. It might be different when they are on their own. Interesting comments on cultural differences too, that could account for a lot of this I guess. And yes I take the point that I should not be taking ANY of this personally, perhaps I have been guilty of that, I can see that more clearly now.

OP posts:
darksoy · 11/09/2018 14:40

This is all really interesting, thank you everyone. I realise it is not possible to get a full view of a personality if you only see the person infrequently. Also one does of course have to account for unfamiliar surroundings, general overwhelming nature of a big get-together. but to reiterate, it seems to be a pattern of just slightly 'off' behaviour. From the responses it does seem like it's not really possible to read anything much into a five year old's behaviour, or at least, it's not necessarily indicative of what he will be like when he's older. Regarding the twin thing, it's almost impossible to say this without sounding like I am judging, but from what I observe, it seems like the girl hangs out with the mum, and the boy hangs out with the dad. It is the dad who (in my opinion) spoils the boy. Lets him get away with things. This is just my view. But it is striking (to me) how segregated the sexes are in that family! Again, not trying to overly judge here. Just what I've observed. It might be different when they are on their own. Interesting comments on cultural differences too, that could account for a lot of this I guess. And yes I take the point that I should not be taking ANY of this personally, perhaps I have been guilty of that, I can see that more clearly now.

OP posts:
lovetherisingsun · 11/09/2018 14:41

You're not BU to dislike a child. We can't auto love absolutely everything about every child, and warm to them all. Hell, I really didn't like my niece when she was younger - right little madam, pushy, shovey, rude etc. She's lovely now - it just took her time to learn.

As for me, I have autism. I acted like your nephew when I was young, up until I was late teens (no one bothered to help me, I only learned later why I was the way I was, and I had to learn body language, etc). Adults didn't like me either, because of my behaviour - I just didn't know or understand any social interactions, and what would be polite, what might be hurtful, etc. No one stepped in to teach me though, either - I just got called stupid, or the other parents just told their kids not to play with me. I didn't mean to come off so horrible, I just had no idea how to talk to people. Maybe your nephew just needs that extra help to learn what to and what not to do/what isn't acceptable etc.

thelionsden · 11/09/2018 14:42

You don’t have to like him. Just don’t be obviously cold towards him. Some kids aren’t nice Wink

swingofthings · 11/09/2018 14:44

The main I leaned becoming a parent is that your children won't forcibly be the picture of the child you imagine you would have and raise to be. Why? Because kids are not just the product of how they are mould by their parents but also happen to be their own individual people with their own personality.

My DD is and has always been a model of what you consider the perfect lovable child and all I've ever heard from people is what an amazing person she is and a credit to me. My DS on the other hand has a much more complex personality, is introverted and doesn't e joy contact with other people the same way. He is not a lovable kid the same way.

Is he spoilt? No if any thing he has always been less than DD. Is heess lovable? No if anything g he needs more love and understanding. Is he less a credit to me than DD? Of course not. He is his own person and anyone who bothers to take the time to know him rather than judge him after only a day or to will realise what a fantastic kids he is too.

OP it's people like you who think they know a child after spending only a few hours with them who contribute to them developing low self-esteem.

Saffy101 · 11/09/2018 14:46

Nobody can help who they do and don't like...BUT this is a child and a relative, so you need to hide your feelings well girlie!!!

I never did like my niece but adored my nephew, just because someone is young and a relation does not mean we automatically think they are cute, I found her a little repulsive from the moment she was born and hid my feelings to the best of my ability!

Havaina · 11/09/2018 14:46

@Gardeninginsummer1

both my sister's and my husband's brothers children. I don't see some of them often but they're family and I love them and would do anything for them.

No you do not love your husband's nieces and nephews if you don't see them often and no you wouldn't do anything for them. I don't believe you, sorry.

Havaina · 11/09/2018 14:49

@Saffy101

I found her a little repulsive from the moment she was born and hid my feelings to the best of my ability!

You found a newborn baby niece repulsive from the moment she was born? Are you a psychopath? I hope her parents keep her faaaaaaar away from you.

DarlingNikita · 11/09/2018 14:49

YABU. I don't have kids either, but all you need to do is apply a tiny bit of imagination/general life experience/common sense.

He may well have behavioural issues. And/or he might be cripplingly shy and this is how it manifests. I remember feeling frozen with shyness as a child in family gatherings. I'm sure I often came across as sullen/weird, maybe even aggressive (I can remember struggling to get out of people holding me and trying to make me kiss or hug aunties etc).

Why do you detail his sibling's English skills?

prettypossums · 11/09/2018 14:51

Sounds like We Need To Talk About Kevin

DebbysMum · 11/09/2018 14:52

He does sound a bit rude and annoying But other behaviour could be down to him disliking you. Maybe you're trying to engage him in activity and play so he doesnt see you dislike him but if he doesn't like you either then he may just want you to sod off and leave him alone.

SpannerH · 11/09/2018 14:54

Personally I don't think YABU.

As long as you don't voice it or treat him any different. at the end of the day like it has been mentioned above, you can't get on with everyone.

I love my nephews and would do anything for them yet I am starting to dislike the people they are becoming. This isn't their fault and they are not on the spectrum. Unfortunately the Mother and Fathers parenting (or lack of) has caused this. One is a lot worse than the other but they are both rude, dismissive, argumentative, know-it-all's (7 and 6). Unfortunately teachers and others have told them but they don't listen.

darksoy · 11/09/2018 14:58

@DarlingNikita, yes good point I forgot to write this, but basically I think his sister is a bit better at speaking english so this might go a long way to explaining some of his behaviour. Re: the shyness thing - it might be that he is shy around adults but he's not remotely shy in playing around children and often seems to want to take control of games etc. It's hard to articulate but I don't think he is generally a shy kid around adults either, he's just unfriendly (he's loud and a bit shouty) but I suppose that could be a symptom of shyness. As you can all tell I don't have much experience around kids, don't have my own, rarely hang out with lots of them in one go, so a lot of this does need explaining to me I'm afraid. That said I obviously do apply common sense and I am nothing but nice to all the kids in the family. Might not appear this way but I'm generally pretty laid back and try not to force conversations / games with them if they clearly aren't into it!

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 11/09/2018 15:00

Yes, the language thing might be part of it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2018 15:01

Are you concerned? Would you like to have some kind of a relationship with him?

If you do, start from the view point that for some reason this little boy is finding just being in this world very very difficult and there’s perhaps a bunch of adults, including his parents, who don’t really get him. That’s actually not his fault because he’s only very little. He doesn’t know how to communicate with them. It’s the adults jobs to work it out.

So if you do want to get on with him, you ask his parents about engaging with him. Something along the lines of “Is there anything I can do to get to know (Harold) better? I’m struggling to find a way to connect to him.” Then wait for the parents to either say, yes, they’re finding it tough too or give you some advice.

You never know by actually vocalising something, you may help the situation. Maybe something is not going smoothly either at an emotional or developmental level with him. Who knows. But coming at it from the angle that there is something wrong with him isn’t going to win you any aunty brownie points.

swingofthings · 11/09/2018 15:03

Your problem is your actions are laden with expectations of a particular return and then feel disappointment when you don't get it. Just a act as you are happy to and move on when you don't get the response you expect. Who knows next time you see them it might be the girl who annoys you whilst the boy has turned into a fun lad.

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