AIBU to not actually like my 5 yo nephew?

[darksoy]

Just back from a family get together, two days with siblings and their children. In total 8 children ranging from 4 through to 11. Of these, 7 are absolutely delightful. Polite, friendly, play nicely together, engage with the adults, laugh, interact, don't ever seem to cry etc. etc. Basically really nice kids. However, there's a set of twins in the family who live abroad in Norway, boy and a girl (mum is from that way). They are 5 years old. The girl twin is adorable if a little bit shy. But she makes eye contact, smiles at you etc. And she seems to play nicely with the others. Her english is basic but she can understand english pretty well. Her brother however, I just can't warm to. Realise this is an awful thing to say about a 5 yr old, but I just find him so...cold. There's shy, and there's just plain rude, I think. He won't every really say hello or goodbye, or make eye contact. When I attempted to give him a 'fist bump' by way of saying goodnight (he wouldn't want a hug off me), he smashed his fist against my hand so hard it actually hurt; I was quite taken aback ( I didn't say anything, just laughed). I appreciate that five year old boys can be boisterous but in general he seems a to play with things a bit roughly. He also seems to cry a lot to get his own way, and it's like his parents are terrified of seeing him bored or unhappy. He seems to not say thank you either. ABIU to think that this child is spoiled, or is it too early to tell if he has more serious behavioural issues? It's the lack of engagement with others that I find particularly odd. Hate to sound so judgemental and I'm sure parents often do things for an easier life, fair play really, and I feel mean to dislike such a young child, but I really do dislike this child. Am I awful?!

I just wonder sometimes whether there's some other reason that he's like this, is he just spoiled, or perhaps he has some kind of behavioural thing.

Not your business.

I mainly think he is spoiled

Not your business.

I have thought about the autistic spectrum, yes. It might be obvious but I don't have my own children yet/ so I suppose I have no idea if five years old is too old for temper tantrums? I guess maybe not?

Even more not your business.

If I ever have children I would try and teach them the importance of this,

You do that. Until then mind your own business. His parents are likely to take anything you say about him as seriously as sex advice from a virgin.

not trying to overly judge here.

Goodness, so what on earth do you say when you ARE trying to overly judge a child? Or maybe you don't have to try, it just comes naturally. You'll probably grow out of it when you have children of your own to worry about.

I want to be the 'fun' auntie and make him smile basically.

So you dislike him and you want to think there must be something wrong with him because he doesn't meet your needs for a 'fun' auntie relationship? That is selfish. If you really want to be a "fun auntie" then you will need to figure out what he wants from a fun auntie. Which might just be to leave him in peace.

I feel a simular way towards one of my nephews but it's purely because he's so spoilt beyond belief and is never told off for anything. If he wants that kinder egg in the shop he will get that kinder egg right away. The way he talks to adults aswell is appalling! His younger brother is going the same way too. If anyone says anything to his mother it's always the same reply 'ooh but he was born early' yes he was but that is absolutely no excuse to be bringing him up like a spoilt self entitled brat.

@Kleinzeit, if it's not my business, it's even less yours. You're a bit mardy eh?!

No, just older and wiser. Be told, eh?

When thinking about the lack of eye contact thing, it really is worth bearing the language issues in mind. It is absolutely not uncommon for small children dealing with two languages to refuse to speak at all in the language they are less familiar with - which can involve avoiding eye contact. It's a form of selective mutism, as someone mentioned above. In bilinguals it is a little more common and can last for a shorter period, simply until their language skills improve. In my experience, the children who don't want to speak seem to be waiting until they are absolutely certain to get it right, as they then often start speaking in perfect sentences!

Fizzywizzy, have come on here precisely because I am trying to better understand the situation and where this young kid might be coming from.

But that's not true is it? Because your OP doesn't mention anything along the lines of, 'how do I understand him better?'

The title of your original post doesn't scream that you want to understand him.

Let me just remind you what your OP's title was. 'AIBU to not actually like my 5 year old nephew?'.

Please tell me how the reader is supposed to translate this to, 'I want to understand my 5yo nephew to have a better relationship with him'.

At no point in your OP did you ask how to make the relationship better. You just moaned about his behaviour. And then went on to say how you really dislike the child and whether that makes you awful. As well as 'AIBU to think this child is spolied?'

You asked questions and you got your answers from me and others. That doesn't make me negative. I'm just answering your questions based on your post moaning about a five year old child.

If you wanted to understand him better or have a positive relationship with him and you wanted help and advice, then maybe you should have been clear on Your OP.

Please re read your OP and understand the questions you actually asked and why you got the answers you got.

'Can I have Ice cream?' Doesn't mean 'Please can you help me hang out the washing?'

Ask the correct questions and you'll get the answers you want.

I do not have to like every child but I have to be understanding of my lack of awareness and knowledge of children. But I think you have been overly harsh on your apparent judgement of me

I agree. You don't have to like every child. I never said you did. I thought we were now talking about you wanting a relationship with your nephew? I didn't realise you're now on the defence for not having to like every child?

My judgment isn't overly harsh. That's how you feel about my response. But you asked a question, you put yourself out there and you got an answer according to the information given on your post.

I answered your question. You just didn't like the answer.

If you want a nice answer, perhaps ask a different question or join Baby centre?

Many other have given me sound advice ... you strike me as negative

Yes they have and I really hope you take it on board. Again, my point stands, ask the right questions and you'll get the answers you're looking for.

I strike you as negative because you didn't like my answer.
I'm sure I'd strike you as positive if I agreed with you and said it was normal to feel that way and you're not awful or not being unreasonable for disliking a five year old child.

Why you're now choosing to tell me what you think about my personality (negative) is beyond me.

Remember you came here asking the questions. I didn't ask you for your opinion about me.

You asked a question. You got your answers. You responded well to the answers you liked. You got defensive when you didn't like an answer. And now you've proceeded to go on the lines of 'well I think this of you'.

No. Didnt ask you for your opinion of me. You asked us for our opinion.

YABU to expect 5yo to have mastered all the social skills and nuances of human interaction. Also so children prefer to be just left alone.

As the adult you should be the one trying to find ways of interacting with him that he is comfortable with, not the other way around.

Yeah. Kids are people and react differently to different people. You can't "win" him over as this is not a competition. He probably is just not that bothered, or maybe doesn't make an effort to tolerate you.m

He’s 5 and in a foreign country surrounded by family he doesn’t usually see. A lot of kids wouldn’t be at their best. When he is overwhelmed by people he doesn’t know, my 4 y/o turns his back on them and mumbles one word replies to their questions - but once he’s got his feet under the table he can talk the hind leg off a donkey.

I don’t think it’s necessarily SEN or being spoilt or whatever - I don’t like travel or being surrounded by people I’m not familiar with - but as an adult I can just not do that, whereas he’s 5 and has no say in being flown to see “Fun Auntie”.

i don't think you're BU.

i have 1 lad in my football team who is just not a very nice little boy.
he's spiteful, petulant, and if things don't go his way, he'll just flop to the floor crying to get attention, or march off in a huff and sit on the side.

his parents are lovely, and his brother is more reasonable (albeit a couple of years older).

i can normally see something good in everybody, and i'm sure he must have some good qualities. it's just they are not at all evident to me yet.

i hope he grows out of it soon, as if not he'll find real life very difficult.

My mother says things like that - e.g. when a child cries, she says they are attention-seeking. I grew up trying not to show my emotions as it was naughty, and in the certain knowledge that if I had a problem I could not expect any support.

I'm sure she has some reason for acting this way, trying not to spoil children or something, but I have to say that from an adult point of view, when she says that sort of thing today it just sounds nasty.

having 3 of my own children, and having coached children's football for 6 years, i can fairly accurately identify what is genuine upset (ie, physical or emotional distress) and what is frustration.

there are occasions when this boy (and pretty much all the others at one point or another) have been hit by a football, or caught with a bad tackle, and those tears are never dismissed as attention seeking.

but equally there are others, where he's lost the ball to someone, had a swipe at them out of malice, and then flopped to the floor crying that they've hurt him. this is just frustration, and he needs to learn to deal with it more constructively.

Sunds like he could play in the national league already tbh.

this is just frustration, and he needs to learn to deal with it more constructively.

Some children find it easier to manage thir frustration than others. If you are a young children's football coach then it is your job to help them learn to manage their frustration, rather than just shaking your head over it as if it has nothing to do with you.

It is sad the way you describe all 7 as delightful, and the boy not for just not wanting to interact with you and fitting in with your rigid expectations of what a child should do. When as an adult you should be adjusting yourself and your behaviour towards him. Do you see him often? When will you see him next? When you do see him next, greet him, and then leave him to come to you. If you are getting presents for the children, get him one, don't leave him out because you haven't warmed to him. If you have your own children, I think it is easier to understand. I never got kids, or understood them really, until I had my own.

He is also probably aware that you don’t really like him even if you don’t show it overtly.
If you are interested in building a relationship I’d try to speak to him at his language level about things he likes and the play he’s involved in at the time. Don’t expect a response just show him your interest. He will warm to you if you give your love unconditionally.
Some kids will run into practical strangers arms and be very affectionate with everyone and some kids need a bit more of a time investment to build a relationship.