AIBU to not actually like my 5 yo nephew?

[darksoy]

Just back from a family get together, two days with siblings and their children. In total 8 children ranging from 4 through to 11. Of these, 7 are absolutely delightful. Polite, friendly, play nicely together, engage with the adults, laugh, interact, don't ever seem to cry etc. etc. Basically really nice kids. However, there's a set of twins in the family who live abroad in Norway, boy and a girl (mum is from that way). They are 5 years old. The girl twin is adorable if a little bit shy. But she makes eye contact, smiles at you etc. And she seems to play nicely with the others. Her english is basic but she can understand english pretty well. Her brother however, I just can't warm to. Realise this is an awful thing to say about a 5 yr old, but I just find him so...cold. There's shy, and there's just plain rude, I think. He won't every really say hello or goodbye, or make eye contact. When I attempted to give him a 'fist bump' by way of saying goodnight (he wouldn't want a hug off me), he smashed his fist against my hand so hard it actually hurt; I was quite taken aback ( I didn't say anything, just laughed). I appreciate that five year old boys can be boisterous but in general he seems a to play with things a bit roughly. He also seems to cry a lot to get his own way, and it's like his parents are terrified of seeing him bored or unhappy. He seems to not say thank you either. ABIU to think that this child is spoiled, or is it too early to tell if he has more serious behavioural issues? It's the lack of engagement with others that I find particularly odd. Hate to sound so judgemental and I'm sure parents often do things for an easier life, fair play really, and I feel mean to dislike such a young child, but I really do dislike this child. Am I awful?!

thanks @mummyoflittledragon that sounds like good advice as yes i would lOVE a better relationship with him! I want to be the 'fun' auntie and make him smile basically. But realise i would need to approach any convo with parents very tactfully as you suggest

he is shy around adults but he's not remotely shy in playing around children and often seems to want to take control of games etc [...] he's loud and a bit shouty

This all sounds totally normal. As does not wanting to hug a random adult.

Am hardly a random adult though Diego

Can i just say it is incredibly annoying for so many to blame the parents.
As others have said a child is their own person. Who is then affected by their surroundings to varying degrees.
I do think some things are parents so too much food/sugar/toys etc maybe. But when parents can have 2+ dc and they have different behaviour it's not that hard to see it's the dc own personality.
Also some of the genes can be recessive so not either like you or dh, could be more similar to distant relatives (aunts/uncles perhaps).
Some dc are told repeatedly what to do/not but it just doesnt work. Stubborn personality or someone who wants to do the opposite of what they are told. You can punish. But in the end everything can become a battle of wills.
Why is some people's liking for eye contact more important than someone else's dislike. Almost bullying.
Also the convention of women smiling so much. Men dont seem to need to do this
Some kids are easier to parent than others.

Your problem is your actions are laden with expectations of a particular return and then feel disappointment when you don't get it. Just a act as you are happy to and move on when you don't get the response you expect

THIS.

Also, you seem to be greatly underestimating not only the language thing but the whole moving-between-cultures thing.

Step back, accept that if you don't even speak the same language day-to-day, let alone live in the same culture, then it may well take longer to connect and your expectations need to be tailored to this.

An aunt wouldn't normally be a random stranger but that is because of the time and tact that loved aunts put in to build up that connection, not because of some prescribed aunt's-rights.

Took me years to build any kind of connection with one of my nephews, because he was shy and because we lived far apart. But now that he's a teenager I really like him and appreciate him, and I think he feels the same. I needed to allow the time to make contact with the person he was, rather than with some other child who might have needed a different approach. Take your time, study him, let your relationship be whatever it is.

Havaina No I certainly am not a psychopath, are you a bitch?! BUT I am not particularly fond of babies, especially newborns. And I found her particularly yucky, she always seemed to have a dirty nappy and smelled funny, but then I was in my teens. I have never understood why people find them cute... they are wrinkly, noisy, puke at one end, poo at the other, and are inclined to cry if you move them... what is there to like??? Well OK I liked my own but newborns are not really my cup of tea, although I am better with them as I've grown older... We are NOT all the same Havaina, we like different things and different people.

Speaking for myself, I was a horribly shy child who would have hated high-fives from somebody I didn't see and play with every day. Fortunately, my uncle, who was naturally a big loud man, respected that and did his best to put me at ease in ways that suited me. I remember him with great affection for that gentleness.

How many times have you met him? You say you're not random adult but your OP makes it sound like this is the first time you've met him, so I'm sorry, but it's normal that he doesn't want to hug you! And yes, 5 year old boys and fist-bumping = painful hand! They can't always control their strength.

I think you're expecting a hell of a lot from a little boy, who is away from his home and in a foreign country. it's exetremely dislocating to be surrounded by a language that you can't understand (even if he know a few words, he cannot begin to capture several conversations going on at once around him).

My boys are perfectly bilingual. But when we go to the UK they take a couple of days before they start speaking freely to anyone who isn't me or DH or their grandparents. It's a time to adapt that's all.

it might be that he is shy around adults but he's not remotely shy in playing around children and often seems to want to take control of games etc. It's hard to articulate but I don't think he is generally a shy kid around adults either, he's just unfriendly (he's loud and a bit shouty) but I suppose that could be a symptom of shyness.
Wanting to take control is often a sign that a child doesn't really know how to play with other children yet - he is not very good at interacting with them. That's something children actively have to learn. Children also have to learn how to control the volume of their speech, which takes longer for some than others. It can sometimes even turn out to be a slight hearing problem.

My brother at that age (13 years younger than me) was extremely shy, used to jump on me really roughly and had very smelly feet. He is now an absolute delight of an adult man .

He is 5 and in a different country with people he doesn't know well and speak a different language. That's probably quite unsettling in itself so I wouldn't judge his personality from these visits.

Also, I have seen horrors at 5, 6, 7 who turn out to be the loveliest children by 10/11. Manners and good behaviour are an ongoing lesson that some people think children should have mastered at quite a young age.

From all the defesive, aggresive replies on here I think many of them have unlikeable children and you touched a nerve, OP.

I reckon it’s the opposite

Most people can make a five year old smile, even a shy one, or they can not take it personally if they don’t.

I don't think YABU at all. I don't really like other peoples kids. I make an exception for closer friends.

ha ha, MaryBerry. It's all interesting though, and thank you all for the responses. It can be hard to know what to expect when you don't have your own children, and when you don't really hang out with children much. Mainly I want children to like me though! Also I suppose there is no 'normal' and it's very hard to benchmark behaviours of a 5 year old especially when not in his home country. Let's hope our relationship blossoms in time eh. I'm sure it will do as he gets older and I become more familiar.

You post on Aibu asking if you were being unreasonable and awful and I responded with yes you are and you are awful.

I'm not having a go at you, I'm simply responding to your Aibu with reasons why you are being unreasonable.

It's not just about an odd hello and thank you is it though? Because the original post was about a him being shy, his English, his lack of eye contact, how you find him cold, the hurtful fist pump, you think he's spoilt and his behavioural issues. So no, there was more to it than you wanting a simple hello.

None of the above should matter if it was just you after the odd hello.

@FizzyWizzy - at the very least, I would like the odd hello or thank you or bit of eye contact. It should be obvious by now but clearly I would like a loving, fun relationship with this kid, and I hope that we can form that as he grows older and as I hopefully spend more time with him. For now though, i DO find him cold, unresponsive, rude... in stark contrast to all my other young relatives. it is very hard not to draw the comparison with his behaviour to the other children when this is what I have experienced (and it's not just me who can't get much from him). I will try to be patient and @Marsha, FYI, this is the only kid I haven't been able to raise a smile from / make laugh. I have no problems in my relationships with the other children, in fact I think we get along just great. Some of you seem rather quick to judge yourselves! Perhaps I have hit a nerve.

No really you haven’t hit a nerve at all, it’s silly to say that, don’t buy into that nonsense

Is it your sibling’s child? Out of interest

Yes it is, @marsha

I don't think you've touched a nerve, either. I think it's more that anyone who's so much as read a parenting book thinks all this stuff we are saying is pretty obvious . Of course it isn't obvious when you're young and childless. We all get a surprise when the first child comes along.

yes exactly ravensmum, I don't consider myself to be lacking in common sense but a lot of this stuff does not come naturally or is not obvious if you haven't got children of your own or are not used to hanging out with them or observing them type thing. Even if we were all once children, it is easy to forget how you actually felt and interacted with others when you were that little.

Kids at 5chavent processed the concept of 'making an effort to be polite' yet. They react instinctively. They like you, they are nice; they don't like you and they are not. They are more honest in many ways! What can make them decide they don't like you might be meaningless to an adult: too loud, don't like their smell, too tall etc... I remember my DS telling nursery staff that his dad stank. I couldn't understand it as he definitely didn't until he explained to me that he stank when he came back from his stroll in the garden and figured out he was referring to cigarette smell :)

One thing I found when I had my first child was that I "forgave" myself for all the silly things I did when I was little. The pictures of me wearing awful clothes that I used to find embarrassing? Now I saw how young I was in the photo, and knew I wasn't stupid and ugly after all. Maybe some people are faster on the uptake, but for me it was only when I had my own that I realised how vulnerable the little creatures are, even the smelly, noisy little boys. After my son was born I even stopped seeing teenage boys as awful when I saw the fluffy little hairs on the back of their neck were just like my son's.

YANBU. We don't choose who we like or not, but as long as you don't say anything it will be fine. Maybe he will grow on you with time. Kids can also be annoying, so maybe as he grows he will become more likeable. Or you just clash, which is also ok. Don't overthink it, just be nice and model the behaviour and relationship you want with him.