AIBU to not actually like my 5 yo nephew?

[darksoy]

Just back from a family get together, two days with siblings and their children. In total 8 children ranging from 4 through to 11. Of these, 7 are absolutely delightful. Polite, friendly, play nicely together, engage with the adults, laugh, interact, don't ever seem to cry etc. etc. Basically really nice kids. However, there's a set of twins in the family who live abroad in Norway, boy and a girl (mum is from that way). They are 5 years old. The girl twin is adorable if a little bit shy. But she makes eye contact, smiles at you etc. And she seems to play nicely with the others. Her english is basic but she can understand english pretty well. Her brother however, I just can't warm to. Realise this is an awful thing to say about a 5 yr old, but I just find him so...cold. There's shy, and there's just plain rude, I think. He won't every really say hello or goodbye, or make eye contact. When I attempted to give him a 'fist bump' by way of saying goodnight (he wouldn't want a hug off me), he smashed his fist against my hand so hard it actually hurt; I was quite taken aback ( I didn't say anything, just laughed). I appreciate that five year old boys can be boisterous but in general he seems a to play with things a bit roughly. He also seems to cry a lot to get his own way, and it's like his parents are terrified of seeing him bored or unhappy. He seems to not say thank you either. ABIU to think that this child is spoiled, or is it too early to tell if he has more serious behavioural issues? It's the lack of engagement with others that I find particularly odd. Hate to sound so judgemental and I'm sure parents often do things for an easier life, fair play really, and I feel mean to dislike such a young child, but I really do dislike this child. Am I awful?!

that's really nice, ravensmum. It makes sense, too. It's hard to totally relate as I don't have kids but I see what you mean.

Please it no usually said in Norway.

*not

It sounds like you feel like a five year old owes you an affectionate relationship. He doesn't. He's five. Nothing you've described sounds like particularly unusual or awful behaviour and there could be a raft of reasons for it. Also to a five year old old, you are someone who he sees very rarely, who speaks a different language. He possibly doesn't really even understand that you're a close relation so yes, you are a random adult

YABU, does he even know what a gist bump is. My DD now 7 was selectively mute at preschool, Reception and year 1 children would call her name out to say, 'hello' sometimes they would stand in front of her and say, 'hello' she still wouldn't reply. She is 7 now, unusual still, quietly confident but she has alot of children that like her so sometimes this is just about growing up.

I can't believe someone said they dislike their grandchild!!

@Saffy101

Havaina No I certainly am not a psychopath, are you a bitch?! BUT I am not particularly fond of babies, especially newborns.

You're backtracking now Saffy. You said you found your baby niece repulsive but adored your nephew. You're now changing it and saying you don't like newborns.

We are NOT all the same Havaina, we like different things and different people.

Perfectly fine not to like babies. But it's very different when you find one baby niece repulsive and another adorable.

And no, I'm not a bitch. I'm not the one repulsed by a innocent baby.

I have to say, it's not something I would give any thought to, 'disliking a small child' or worse a newborn baby - how angry do you have to be to ruminate on this!

You're a grown adult talking about a five year old like that.

I think it says more about you than it does about the child.

You are quite an insecure person.

Hey, here is a thought, If you really do care about having a positive relationship with this child why don't you stop spouting the negatives and work your relationship with him? Put your electronic device down and call him maybe? Instead of coming on here to bitch about the five year old child.

Because you are bitching him. A grown woman bitching about a five year old.

And before you say you're not bitching a five year old child, let's angle this a different way... would you want him parents or him to read all of your comments?

I don't think it's about touching a nerve either - you're just being a pathetic grown adult ... ill say it again ... bitching about a five year old child. You have no idea clearly how awful you sound.

A Classic thread - Aibu? Yes you are! No I'm not! Throws toys out of the pram .

What the child has done is no biggie, just hold back, and let him come to you when he is ready. To him, you are a stranger, if he is shy, which it sounds as though he is (no speaking, lack of eye contact), it will make it easier. You say that he plays fine with his peers, they are different, they are his peers, and he probably feels more comfortable around them, than adults he does not know very well. The parents over indulging, is not his fault, he is only 5 and is learning from them.

He won't be that age forever, and it shall pass. Just treat them all the same, if you give gifts give them to everyone. Maybe when he is a bit older, he will be more interactive.

If there is a language barrier and he is shy, it will make it harder for him.

Havaina, I do not wish to argue or hijack a thread.

There could be underlying issues such as ASD, which hasen't been picked up yet, or the parents have not divulged that to you. My dd who has ASD and now 11, was like this boy when she was 5. Lack of eye contact, not saying much, cold really. She used to be like that towards dh mum. Dh mum just stepped back and allowed her to go to her when she was ready. Now dd is so different, she loves interacting and hugs, and is a very loving child.

The remark about not being a random adult struck a chord with me actually. You ARE a random adult to a 5 year old. YOu are an adult and can remember every meeting you’ve had with this child. He however can probably only remember a handful of them because he won’t remember the baby meetings or many if any of the toddler ones. You are certainly not a loving aunt that he has had the time to build up the living close relationship you seem to think you are supposed to have.
My ex used to do this to ds1 he gave him a right bollocking once at around 3 or 4 because he’d surrounded him by people he had met once or twice (his wife’s family) and gave him a right row for not performing exactly how he wanted him to. The thing about ds was that actually he usually eventually came round if just given a bit of space but dh wouldn’t ever give him it. I spent months with a small boy asking what if I’m bad whenever we went anywhere before something else he said made me realise he’s had a row for it.

Fizzywizzy, have come on here precisely because I am trying to better understand the situation and where this young kid might be coming from. I do not have to like every child but I have been open about my lack of awareness and knowledge of children. I think you have been overly harsh in your apparent judgement of me. Many other posters have to offered me reasoned, sound advice and said things that have enlightened me - you strike me as very negative. Arguably anything posted on a platform such as this means the poster is likely to be more honest and open about an issue that’s bothering them by virtue of being able to do it anonymously. It’s not like I am trying to troll anyone by spending my day “bitching about a five year old”. I think you are being disingenuous if you actually think that’s the case

Looksbetterwithafilter yes in hindsight I take your point

I used to like other children before I had any myself (not very MN like I know). I didn't know any children that I couldn't usually Engage/ Charm. Even if I say so myself, I was good with children .

DS is not really a child you warm to from the outside and never was which I did sometimes find hard to deal with as I thought I was good with children

He still doesn't have as much interest in engaging with adults or anyone really unless they are talking about something he is interested in.He still had a low bordom threshhold for things outside his interests. He is 13 now.

At home he is funny, witty, erudite, kind to DH and and genrally delightful. With people he does not know he really does not come across like this even now

At 5 he was pretty wild, would often randomly throw things and play too hard. He was not at all an engaging child, although there were a couple of adults at school/outside the family who seemed to see a different side to him and found him delightful, most did not
He was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD at the age of 6.

Just a thought

Also meant to say that even before having children, I understood that with some childeren Less is more. A basic respect for what the child is saying wirh their body language and backing off if it is obvious you are coming on too.strong goes a long way. If you want to develop a relationship with a child, watch what they do/ are interested in and join them in that. Play their games not yours and be ready to back off immediately if they are not happy

Always give them the option to back away without any .negativity toward them. As an adult you have all the power and you need to be very mindful of that.

Not all children are appealling. Also twins have a different take on life as they relate more to a peer than an adult. Also, he was in a strange place with a strange language with a circus of far too many children for him to cope with. Boys often react more to emotional pressure than girls. Give him time. None of this mean there is anything wrong with him

My 'D'Sis recently referred to my 6yo DS as a "little shit" and "spiteful".

She is 47.

The context was that on the second day of a family (big group of us) week away, he had called his 11yo cousin (her DD), fat. I believe he had just piped up during a game "you're the fat one, I don't want to play with you". It was extremely unkind of him to do so, but apparently my DNiece didn't want a fuss made. So I wasn't told (and therefore couldn't deal with it) until 2.5weeks after the event.

My 'D'Sis told me during a phone call. Her words? "Your DS called my DD fat, so for the rest of the week I treated him like the spiteful little shit he is."

We won't be accepting the Christmas invitation.

I can absolutely understand why you might have reservations about a child. However please, for sake of relations, don't share them with the child's mother - or if you do, be sensitive and constructive. It is most hurtful.

I don't think yabu. I have a slightly older nephew who is really not a likeable child at all

OP you could be describing my youngest nephew - 5 years old, very detached emotionally, hates to be touched or hugged, doesn't make eye contact, incredible vocabulary but often very aggressive. Doesn't play well with others at all - either way too rough or hides from contact.

He's been diagnosed as autistic and I suspect from what you've said that your nephew might well be the same.

Oh yes, this happened with ds 6 (developmentally delayed, speech and language delay, painfully shy) in Italy in August when we visited dh parents. Dh Auntie and Uncle came over, and he was shy, would not say please or thank you for the presents that they bought for him, I made him say to them. DH Auntie is a SW in her country, and totally got him, she held back and adjusted her expectations of him, she was lovely and kind. That is what you have to do. Like others said: he is different to the others, all kids are different, you have to adjust your expectations of him, and follow his cue.

There are certainly children who are more difficult to warm to than others (my friend had a little boy who was a mini know it all and loved winding up the other children) but you have to remember you're the adult and they're tiny. I think sometimes even adults ca get a bit tied up in our egos, if kids usually love us and one kids is a bit shy and isn't as early entertained we can feel a bit put out. Kids also develop at different rates and have different personalities. Introverted children won't have got good at faking it yet - extroverted kids don't have to.

I do think as adults it's nice to try and be accepting and open to all the little people in our family. As a shy child I was very aware even from a young age that the family were more excited to see my brother than me - he was more fun, less awkward (you'd always get a great reaction when you gave him a gift or told him a joke). I definitely felt acutely aware of being less likeable and it certainly didn't help the shyness or confidence!

Yeah yabu but I get it. Sometimes my own annoys me and can be very rude. If he wasn't my own I may dislike him based on his behaviour on some occasions. Thankfully I see the adorable lovely sweet child too but a snapshot and I may dislike him.

But I think yabu particularly as this child is of a different culture to you... so what's polite as norm for him isn't necessarily the same as for you. Plus you know he's 5... not long ago he could tantrum and get his bum wiped for him. Probably hasn't developed a full robust worldview yet at 5 and in a foreign country

I know everything has already been said, but really- you’re on a hiding to nothing if you expect a small, shy, child who speaks to different language to you to meet your emotional needs to be the popular auntie.

The more demands you place upon a shy and overwhelmed child to bond with you, the worse you make it.