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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP ex stops him seeing his son

276 replies

stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 12:53

Hello, hopefully this won't be long but we are in dire need of some advice.
My DP has a 4yr old son who he hasn't managed to see for over a year.
We've been to a solicitor but there wasn't much help they could provide. Ex has moved house, changed number, blocked us on FB, don't have any contact details for other family members. What on earth are we supposed to do?? He's painfully aware this could be the 2nd Christmas without seeing his boy. He could be dead and we wouldn't know?! What can we do wise MN!

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 13/09/2018 11:21

stressedcatt Start here;
www.scotland.police.uk/contact-us/disclosure-scheme-for-domestic-abuse-scotland/

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 11:26

y is it YOU doing all of this?? As PP asked, why did he make no attempts at contact between August 17 and Feb 18? Why oh why do you deluded yourself that he’s a devoted father? What hasn’t he applied for legal aid? Why hasn’t he just paid the court fee of £215 if he can’t get legal aid and is saving money by not paying maintenance? Why are you doing all of this on his behalf, and what does that say about him?? All of it, just....why

Because I'm at work and have constant access to Internet, he does not.
He has tried to, such as FB messaging etc. Her number was changed instantly. Has also emailed but doesn't get a reply.
He didn't apply for legal aid as said before, we were told we don't have a good case for being granted it. We also weren't aware that he could self represent in court. He isn't exactly saving money, he still has his own bills to pay for which isn't easy on £100 a week.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 13/09/2018 11:34

You are STILL making excuses for his inaction. So now he has no internet access?! Even when he was seeing his child he doesn’t sound very hands on if he didn’t even know what nursery his child would be attending, surely that was discussed?

CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 11:48

Bollocks.
If he isn't earning, he gets legal aid for this.

Did he ask the solicitor to write requesting access, or residency?

CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 11:50

He isn't exactly saving money

He is, he's not paying for the child he helped create!

ButchyRestingFace · 13/09/2018 11:53

You seem remarkably uncurious about the finer points of the contretemps between your partner and the ex’s bidie in, OP.

N1d0r13 · 13/09/2018 11:58

This thread makes me really mad.

I would be the woman who “disappeared” when infact my eldest sons father was very abusive. I have depression and anxiety and got disagnosed with PTSD, which comes down to how I was treated and what I was put through.
I constantly made the effort for him to see his child.. he rarely would turn up.. my son has never received a Christmas present or cards, nothing! Never have I ever received any financial support etc.. finally, I had enough of the abuse and seeked legal advice and help and my solicitor sent two letters out stating he was to not contact me otherwise he would have an injunction put on him. If he was to see his child he needed to get a solicitor to speak to mine.. it’s been nearly 2 years and he’s never bothered but from mutual friends I’ve witnessed endless counts of abuse online saying I’ve taken his child away etc.. and I can’t say a thing because if I did it would taint my case on my fear etc I have towards my ex!

He is a compulsive liar and will never and has never told the truth to anyone about anything he has done and will never admit when he’s done wrong..
just be careful that the man you are with isn’t doing the same thing to you and lying threw his teeth..
this woman could be doing this on her own accord for no reason but she also could be in the same place as I am!

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 11:59

Nope his ex refused to tell him.
He can't afford Internet, is that so hard to believe when he isn't working?

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 13/09/2018 12:06

There often seem to be threads from new partners on here bemoaning that their boyfriend can't see his kids. It is always them doing the legwork and it usually transpires that the boyfriend 'didn't know' that they could self represent. If your partner hasn't had the basic idea to google 'how to apply for a contact order' in over a year then I would seriously question how bothered he actually is about being in his kid's life. All of this information is readily available and accessible. I even knew you could self rep and I don't have children that I'm not able to see. Also think about this- if YOU hadn't made the effort to come into MN and ask for advice would he actually bother to do anything, or remain in ignorance?

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 12:07

And truly I would hate to think she's had to go into hiding, I would be running for the hills myself.
If it turns out that I have been wrong about her this whole time then I will personally come and apologise to you all as you've all told me to be careful and essentially watch my back and it must be frustrating to think I'm ignoring it but I just cannot see him being an abuser. And I think if he had done something to her or her child then her DP would have done something much worse to mine, given that one time when she was followed home by two guys, he punched them both. He wouldn't be the type to keep quiet about it.
And without being niave or blaming her in any way, in stead of going into hiding why doesn't she go through court to have the access stopped? If she was that bothered that he couldn't and cannot see his son why hasn't that been an option for her? Surely then that'd be safer.
I'm doing the leg work, because I think this situation (providing it is how he's describing it) is incredibly sad and must be very confusing for ds

OP posts:
CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 12:08

Did he ask the solicitor to write requesting access, or residency?

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 12:09

He probably would remain inorgant as awful as that sounds but I've Googled many times and wrote on many single parent boards and still haven't been made aware that he could self represent.
He does actually have a solicitor appointment that was made before I made this post, next month so hopefully they might be more helpful this time around.

OP posts:
CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 12:09

You don't go through court to stop access from a parent who shows no signs of wanting it.

He goes to court to get access!

TwistedStitch · 13/09/2018 12:10

instead of going into hiding why doesn't she go to court to have access stopped?

Because she doesn't need to. She is getting on with her life and possibly banked on your boyfriend being too lazy or useless to pursue contact. And she was right wasn't she.

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 12:10

Trying to keep up with all posts!! Yes he requested residency as he assumed that if he asked for contact, she could easily stop it again once she'd given him one visit

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 12:11

But then she just phones the police if she sees him and that's just wasting police time 🤷

OP posts:
CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 12:12

The reason he was told it would be difficult to qualify for legal aid then is because he was asking for something no court in the land would give him.

He doesn't get to have full time care of his child after a six month absence so he decides to continue not seeing him at all???

WAKE THE FUCK UP

Both of you ought to leave this poor lad alone now to get on with his life without a feckless excuse for a father in it.

7415N1d0r1391117 · 13/09/2018 12:13

Stressedcatt - You clearly are trying to do what’s right for your partner and I do not dismiss that. You obviously see the good in him and that’s fine but from experience with my ex, he’s extremely manipulative and will constantly victimise himself and get everyone to spoon feed him.. he only woulf turn up when people reminded him to, he never did on his own accord.
You need to let him do it himself and not help, then you will see if he is genuine and IS trying or he isn’t bothered at all.

Nicknacky · 13/09/2018 12:13

Why would he go for residency when he doesn’t even have access?! That makes no sense.

And no, she isn’t wasting police time if she is scared of him which she clearly is. And she doesn’t phone every time she sees him, does she?

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 12:17

Well the police have phoned me and asked me to go into them and speak to them.
When I next see DP I will tell him that he can self certify and suggest he goes to the library to read about it.
I want to step back from this, as you've rightfully pointed out it should be him doing all the work. I just wanted to be there to help.
Its not fair to say leave the boy alone, does he not deserve to see or even know who his dad is? Not one of you here thinks it's wrong that she's claiming her partner to be his dad? It's a shame and very confusing on him.

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 13/09/2018 12:17

Just to let you know, you can usually access the internet for free at your local library. That might help him find out legal stuff, look for work etc.

CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 12:18

YOU DONT NEED TO SELF-REPRESENT WHEN HE QUALIFIES FOR LEGAL AID

Ffs

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 12:20

But he didn't qualify at the time we spoke to the solicitor.
I realise now he was asking for the wrong this so yeah he might get legal aid this time

OP posts:
CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 12:23

So he used to earn a decent wage and still didn't pay maintenance?

Drowning in glory.

Directorofmishaps · 13/09/2018 12:28

She doesn't need to go to court to stop access if he isn't having access anyway. She would only need to do that if he applied for access and she had proof or valid concerns that he shouldn't have it.

'but I just cannot see him being an abuser.'

You might be right, I hope you are but can i just say when I left my ex I had similar comments from his new girlfriend. I was a monster, I was evil etc etc. Funnily enough I got a message a few years later saying she hadn't understood, that she did now after he assaulted her. :(

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