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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP ex stops him seeing his son

276 replies

stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 12:53

Hello, hopefully this won't be long but we are in dire need of some advice.
My DP has a 4yr old son who he hasn't managed to see for over a year.
We've been to a solicitor but there wasn't much help they could provide. Ex has moved house, changed number, blocked us on FB, don't have any contact details for other family members. What on earth are we supposed to do?? He's painfully aware this could be the 2nd Christmas without seeing his boy. He could be dead and we wouldn't know?! What can we do wise MN!

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 13/09/2018 12:28

Even if you tell him that he can self represent if needed, do you really believe he will actually go to the effort of doing so or will it be more excuses?

RedHelenB · 13/09/2018 12:32

I would start with the last known address and fine with the courts. There was an episode of reported missing where the dad had been goung through the courts for access and was advised to report him missing to the police. Opened up a real can of worms and I felt so sorry for him.

CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 12:34

You don't need to file anything. First step is to get your solicitor to contact the mother requesting contact.
Then take it from there.

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 12:35

Yes he paid maintenance, I'm not sure where you've read that he didn't?

OP posts:
StopPOP · 13/09/2018 12:38

I hope you get some answers today

CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 12:39

He did try to pay child maintenance into her bank account but it was sent back, the next time he tried it didn't work

twice he sent over 140 pounds and both times it was sent back

UpstartCrow · 13/09/2018 12:42

Well the police have phoned me and asked me to go into them and speak to them.

Listen to the police, and step back from chasing his ex.

PrincessWire · 13/09/2018 12:45

It doesn't sound good that the police want you to go and speak to them...

Aimarge · 13/09/2018 12:49

I'm glad you decided to utilize Claire's Law. Hope the Police meeting gives you some answers

ambereeree · 13/09/2018 12:56

Be careful OP this sounds very worrying. I hope the ex is safe as she is obviously trying to get away from your partner.

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 12:57

Crochet, that was when contact was stopped

OP posts:
CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 13:05

Yes.
He hasn't been paying maintenance (started at some point, not really important when) at the same time he earned too much to qualify for legal aid?

And I'm guessing he didn't put any of this money aside...

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 13:09

He left his job around june time to care for his very unwell father.
It wasn't that he earned too much, but when we went to the solicitors, we were told that there would be very little chance of actually getting legal aid. The reason for this (I've only just realised) is we were applying for residency and not access

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 13:10

He hasn't had a chance to put any money aside, he gets about 500 pound a month from the work he does.

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 13/09/2018 13:38

Please just leave it. For so many reasons. He is showing you (and his kid) who he is through his inaction. How can he have no internet? There’s free internet all over the place. It’s all bullshit and you’re investing way too much into a loser of a boyfriend, and trying to find someone who doesn’t want to be contacted. He hasn’t made the fort to see his kid. The odd solicitors appointment means nothing, it’s perpetuation of the lies he’s telling people about being desperate to see his son.

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/apply-for-court-order

A split-second google.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/09/2018 14:47

Applying for residency?? Of a child he hasn't seen for over a year? How is that possibly in the best interests of the child?

I am worried for this situation, OP.

You ask why she hasn't gone to court. She doesn't need to. He needs to go to court and a judge will decide what is in the best interest of the child. Any domestic abuse agency will advise a woman of this.

Can you be certain that she does not have a non molestation order against him? Even if not, where there has been abuse, the police may advise the call 999 if she ever feels threatened (i.e. if he tries to approach her in the street) and to log any indirect concerns (abusive texts, calls, emails) to 111.

I know it is hard to imagine, and I am not saying he IS abusive, but I think you need to be open to the possibility that it is not all the way he has presented it.

Hope the police have something useful to tell you when you meet with them. If his history is in any way abusive, get some support for yourself, too.

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 14:50

It wasn't a year when he applied for the residency though. We/he had no idea what he needed to ask about

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 13/09/2018 15:09

When are you going to go in and see the police?

I agree with most people here. I did also think that maybe her new husband is the abusive one. However, due to his inactivity in fighting for his son, I doubt it.

I hope if you find anything bad out about him today you leave. And even if you don't, be very very careful.

delilahswishes · 13/09/2018 15:22

Sorry OP but this is the same old story and is so cliche of the psycho mum who "took" his child away blah blah.

If my ex took my child, moved home and stopped my contact I would not rest until I had explored every avenue as a court would not stop contact/access for a loving parent who wanted to have a relationship with the child. The courts would be able to locate the parent and child and ensure this happened, all the excuses are just because he can't be arsed.

When the maintenance didn't go into the account he should have set up another to pay into so he could say the court I have continued paying x maintenance and have collected the money/used to start legal processes.

In terms of the police if there was no history surely they'd just say that over the phone? Asking you to go in rings alarm bells and if it were me I'd want to go straight there...

Haireverywhere · 13/09/2018 15:57

OP the police want to talk to you. That's your next step.

MyCatIsBonkers · 13/09/2018 16:19

And I think if he had done something to her or her child then her DP would have done something much worse to mine, given that one time when she was followed home by two guys, he punched them both.

More violence.

DownTownAbbey · 13/09/2018 16:20

He's not pushing for access because she's not pushing for maintenance.

There are only three reasons I can think of why she wouldn't want to chase for maintenance. 1) she's loaded, 2) her current DP is an abusive control freak who has forced her to cut all contact or, most likely, 3) because she'd rather do without the money just to cut contact.

Lol at your DP going for residency.

PerverseConverse · 13/09/2018 16:50

I'm not sure why he thought he might get legal aid? Legal Aid is usually only for those who are victims of domestic violence and have low income. Unless it's different in Scotland of course.
I agree with pp who think either he was abusive or her new partner is abusive and is isolating her.
I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who's ex was denying contact. There's always a reason for this, there always is. Although he seems to o my be making token gestures towards sorting it out.

My ex is a golden boy according to his family and new partner. The truth is he's a controlling and abusive man who abused me physically, sexually, emotionally and financially throughout our marriage and continues to emotionally and financially so via the legal system. There's no obvious police records of the abuse although I had a restraining order against him. He swears blind that he's never done anything wrong to warrant such hatred and fear from me.

Be very careful OP.

kierenthecommunity · 13/09/2018 16:57

Me and DP live apart but some business happened and she started phoning the police for the police to come and pick up DS

And did they come and pick up DS? Or tell her to go through her solicitor?

CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 17:03

I'm not sure why he thought he might get legal aid? Legal Aid is usually only for those who are victims of domestic violence and have low income. Unless it's different in Scotland of course.

Yes, it is.