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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP ex stops him seeing his son

276 replies

stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 12:53

Hello, hopefully this won't be long but we are in dire need of some advice.
My DP has a 4yr old son who he hasn't managed to see for over a year.
We've been to a solicitor but there wasn't much help they could provide. Ex has moved house, changed number, blocked us on FB, don't have any contact details for other family members. What on earth are we supposed to do?? He's painfully aware this could be the 2nd Christmas without seeing his boy. He could be dead and we wouldn't know?! What can we do wise MN!

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 12/09/2018 18:03

19 months might not be long to you but I have spent enough time with both him and his son to know he is a good dad

But it ISNT very long. It simply isn’t. Especially not living together. And you haven’t seen him being a dad at all for over a year! 9 months of preamble is nothing.

How much contact did he have before it was suddenly revoked?

Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 18:05

OP have you asked about his background at the station?

Or spoken about his son (in which case why didn't he go too)?

Original poster
stressedcatt · 12/09/2018 18:12

Contact was 2 nights in the week and 9 times out of 10 every weekend
Yes I went to thd police yesterday who should be back in touch with me, they said it can be up to 24 hours though

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 18:31

OK good. I know it's crap but mumsnet and watching friends go through stuff has really taught me people we think we know can still surprise us and red flags shouldn't be ignored.

trojanpony · 12/09/2018 19:42

Wee scuffles...
19 months and don’t live with him...

AlleyG has it right so did the poster who said don’t have kids with him.

I would be proceeding with extreme caution.

As others rightly point out, people (unless mentally unwell or highly vindictive) do not up and flee in the middle of the night abandoning their neighbours, family and friends and disruptions their child’s routine and nursery for no good reason.

I would find it shocking if my partner was in any kind of physical altercation...Let alone a physical altercation with the mother of his child or their partner Confused
That alone would make me reconsider the relationship

Original poster
stressedcatt · 12/09/2018 19:55

Massive drip feed but she has been mentally unwell in the past, she was admitted into a mental health hospital. I do not know the true details behind what's happened however

OP posts:
ponderingonthings · 12/09/2018 20:07

Yeah me too OP. Funnily enough his abuse and gaslighting was a huge factor in me getting incredibly depressed and anxious

But I'm sure he tells his new partner I'm only saying he was abusive as I was mentally unstable... all the times the police etc got involved too, obviously that was because I was unstable and nothing to do with him being an abusive twat

Doesn't do much for our mental health to be living in fear daily you see...

Oldaintallthat · 12/09/2018 20:29

Ah...now she's a loooonatic.
Ok

LeftRightCentre · 12/09/2018 20:52

Massive drip feed but she has been mentally unwell in the past, she was admitted into a mental health hospital. I do not know the true details behind what's happened however

Of course you don't. Is SS involved then? Hmm And yet the child's other biological parent has a litany of excuses as to why he has not been extremely proactive in regaining access, he was, according to your own posts, to paraphrase, expecting her to come round. I see . . .

LeftRightCentre · 12/09/2018 20:54

I'm aware he could just be keeping stuff from me or making it seem like she's the bad guy but he can't speak more highly of her, nor can his family so I genuinely don't understand.
I don't want to contact her as I know she will not talk to me no matter what

Yet she's a lunatic. Right. Of course she won't speak to you. Wise move on your part or you, too, could end up with the police at your door.

IdahoJones · 12/09/2018 21:07

And your DP cared for his child when she was in a mental health hospital, yes? No?

Graphista · 12/09/2018 21:31

This reply has been deleted

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ExFury · 12/09/2018 21:39

OP. Seriously. Think about this logically.

He has a child that he apparently adores.

Not only has the mother, who you see around town, stopped contact and he’s done nothing, but he’s saying that a mother with mental health problems has disappeared with his child and he’s done nothing!

He doesn’t appear to even know that he can self represent which means he’s done no research, none, into getting his child back.

Think about it,

LeftRightCentre · 12/09/2018 21:45

And your DP cared for his child when she was in a mental health hospital, yes? No?

The way he's been caring and working with SS, working and swotting up on family law in the past year he hasn't seen him and even now. I'm sure he was always a total star. Oh, wait . . .

CrochetBelle · 12/09/2018 22:06

Why hasn't your loving father of a partner used legal aid to contact the mother requesting contact?
That would be the natural step before applying for residency.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 12/09/2018 23:01

It's his child. Why are you trying to be so involved and sort everything out for him? It's between him and his ex-partner. It's up to him to do something about it - not the new girlfriend who has no idea about any of the past apart from what her boyfriend has told her.

There are lots of things a concerned father could do. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to have made much effort to actively see his child.

I think it's quite possible he kicked off after his dad died - he scared his ex that much that she got the police involved and felt she needed to move. Your boyfriend thought with time she'd eventually allow access again but she hasn't forgotten.

chitofftheshovel · 12/09/2018 23:03

I have read the full thread and I feel that there is a lot of projection from other posters and that stressed is getting a hard time from a lot of people.

The time frames are difficult to piece together but if I'm correct there was very good contact, up to 4 times a week, nothing untoward happened in the interim (yes there have been run ins but thats life ) and all of a sudden she does a runner but stays in the same town.

I'm going to go totally against the grain and question whether it is in fact her current partner, the one who was put down as dad at the nursery, who has demanded your partner be off the scene.

And all those saying that you can't truelly know him after 19 months...can we really know anyone??? Hence awful things happen right infront of long-term partners noses without the other half suspecting.

I wish you and your partner luck OP.

Hertha · 12/09/2018 23:07

I agree that OP is taking an unnecessary beating. Yes there may be some red flags worthy of investigation but there’s a lot of assumptions going around (including that the victim of a violent attack was probably to blame).

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 12/09/2018 23:07

Just reread that the boyfriend's dad killed himself 2 weeks after contact was stopped - so above post is wrong. I do think there must be some connection because of the timings though.

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 07:53

He didn't hear from her on the 9th when he was supposed to have his son. It was two weeks later that his dad died.
She only pulled her son out of nursery in February. She moved some time after.
Her neighbour seen her at the airport with her DP, son, daughter and she was heavily pregnant but neighbour said DS looked really happy and delighted to be going on holiday. We thought she'd need my DP permission Confused
Didn't hear back from the police so going to phone them on my way to work.
I'm not saying she's a loon Hmm but she was quite unwell, no my DP didn't have DS then as he couldn't take time off work so her mother/sister had him. SS were involved but that has ceased since she's out.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 07:55

Time frames aren't difficult.
DS born June 14
Got with DP Feb '17
The scuffle was June '17
Contact stopped august '17
She took her son out of nursery around February' 18 time and moved not long after

OP posts:
CrochetBelle · 13/09/2018 08:41

So between August 2017 and February 2018, what attempts did he make to see his child?

Original poster
stressedcatt · 13/09/2018 08:52

Admittedly not many attempts were made for the first month.
We were at the solicitor by October.
She sent a message saying any contact/turning up at her door will result in the police being phoned and my partner being arrested. So he didn't do that as he didn't want to get into further trouble.
Tried speaking to her when he seen her in town but she just shouts for help or quickly runs away, have tried speaking to her partner to see if he can convince her to allow contact.
He told me that he put money in an envelope and put it through her door but dunno if he actually did. He did send a gift for Christmas though which was returned.
He didn't even know what nursery he was in to begin with as DS only started after the contact was stop, it was by chance that he found that out.
Have asked neighbours if they know any of her family to see if we can contact them.

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 13/09/2018 11:14

You never did answer the question - why is it YOU doing all of this?? As PP asked, why did he make no attempts at contact between August 17 and Feb 18? Why oh why do you deluded yourself that he’s a devoted father? What hasn’t he applied for legal aid? Why hasn’t he just paid the court fee of £215 if he can’t get legal aid and is saving money by not paying maintenance? Why are you doing all of this on his behalf, and what does that say about him?? All of it, just....why?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 13/09/2018 11:17

If someone suddenly refused to let me see my child (for no apparent reason) and threatened to call the police if I tried, I would have gone to the solicitors the NEXT DAY.