DP ex stops him seeing his son

[stressedcatt]

Hello, hopefully this won't be long but we are in dire need of some advice.
My DP has a 4yr old son who he hasn't managed to see for over a year.
We've been to a solicitor but there wasn't much help they could provide. Ex has moved house, changed number, blocked us on FB, don't have any contact details for other family members. What on earth are we supposed to do?? He's painfully aware this could be the 2nd Christmas without seeing his boy. He could be dead and we wouldn't know?! What can we do wise MN!

He did try to pay child maintenance into her bank account but it was sent back, the next time he tried it didn't work. He later found out that the bank account was closed
Let's assume this is true, which I doubt very much. It's such a massive ballache to close a bank account with all the direct debits that need sorting out. No-one would do this without good reason (like being scared and wanting to get away from an abusive ex).

Information about applying for disclosure under Claire's Law: www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/clares-law/

Sorry Scottish version of above www.scotland.police.uk/contact-us/disclosure-scheme-for-domestic-abuse-scotland/

Oh fgs he doesn't abuse his family members. What an over reaction. If it's that important to know, his father killed himself. About two weeks after she had stopped contact
That's really sad and I'm sorry for anyone who goes through this. It must have been a very hard time for your OH. However, for loving parents I just don't think anything in the world would get in the way of them having contact with their children. It might be difficult and soul-destroying and stressful and depressing and a bastard to juggle all of those rollercoaster emotions but I just can't see why he didn't try and get contact even with everything else going on.

2 x £140 would easily fund a court application for contact.

Wouldn't you have seen DS's granny at his birthday party?

OP you can make a request under Clare's law to local police (it also applies in Scotland) they will tell you if your partner has a history of domestic abuse. Even a 'wee scuffle' is not appropriate, and I'm assuming his son was present, the police took her seriously for a reason, she left without trace quickly for a reason. She may be unwell , she may be an awful person, but she also could well be scared. Clare's law is there to give you the risk related info you need. Funny tell him you're applying just go into a police station and ask. Explain the situation and that it concerns you there was a violent incident and she fled, and you want to know if you are safe or if he has a history of domestic abuse. The check may come back and say he's subtle and there's no concern, but the system is there for you to access the information, please access it before blindly believing his version of events, which seems patchy at best.

Why are you settling for a violent, unemployed dead beat dad OP?

I think you should leave him to sort out his own problems and focus on setting your bar a little higher.

No his granny wasn't there
Even tried googling her on that 192 website and it says her old address up to 2016-17 electrol roll so don't think she's on it

OP don't keep looking for her until you know she didn't flee from abuse, if you do and he did abuse her you are aiding his further harassment and not doing the best for that little boy. Go and speak to the police first, if that's all clear you can support him to apply to the court, it isn't that expensive when you self represent, and they will be able to find the child,, buttimately be should be doing it not you, and you certainly shouldn't be encouraging him to try and make contact until you've received the disclosure information. It is called something different in Scotland, the domestic abuse disclosure scheme, but if you go in and ask about Clare's law they will know what you are asking for. One step at a time.

Thank you all for the advice. Had certainly opened my eyes that it might not be all it seems
Will get to police station after work tonight

OP everything she has done is what women’s aid would have advised her to do. I would seriously rethink your relationship with this man. No mother would go to these lengths unless she truly felt scared. She’s so scared of him she won’t accept maintenance money from him. Even though he’d never be able to trace her via the bank she still won’t accept it.

Thank you all for the advice. Had certainly opened my eyes that it might not be all it seems
Will get to police station after work tonight
Will you update us, OP? I'm sorry if my posts have been quite aggressive and provocative for you but I'm genuinely thinking of your (and his ex's and son's) best interests.

Op I don't know what your partner has or has not done but what I can say is that everything his ex has done follows the advice she would have been given if she had gone to women's aid or somewhere similar for help. This doesn't sound like 'normal' avoidance.

Hi OP Having read most of this thread has made me think there could be more to your DP than I originally thought. Therefore I think you need to ask your DP more probing questions . However, on the other hand, some women can be nasty and stop exes having contact with DC and make up a pack of lies about them. Your DP needs to pull his finger out and get a move on with finding DC and sorting out contact. The longer he leaves it, the harder it will be.

However, on the other hand, some women can be nasty and stop exes having contact with DC and make up a pack of lies about them
While I think this is true in a very small number of cases, the ex moving house, shutting her bank account, and changing her phone number is behaviour far, far beyond simple nastiness or revenge.

OP, I was a family lawyer in Scotland. Feel free to pm me x

I believed my ex for years. His mental ex girlfriend, his female stalker, the depressed girl that committed suicide as he didn't want her. The affairs.

I was attacked by an unknown female, his relatives believed all sorts about me. I believed all sorts about them.

Now he's my ex. His relatives found out a few unsavoury things about him and we get on better - yet still victim blame me for putting up with him. I got on well with his new partner - but he has started telling lies to her about me and started bad mouthing her to me.

I know it's all him yet I still end up initially believing him - I still get taken in by his lies. It's only on reflection that I remember he's a lying piece of shit and start doubting his word..

Well with that rejected £280 he could have made an application for a court order to see his child at £215 and used the change for buses etc for job interviews. Or, as PP have suggested, he could actually apply for legal aid and wait for “weeks or months”.

What part of you needs to really convince yourself that he WANTS to make an effort to see his kid? He clearly isn’t bothered, no matter what emotional displays he’s been giving off. If he wanted to, he would have addressed the issue rather than leaving it a year and then YOU being the one to do it, via asking on mumsnet. It’s literally on the gov.uk website ‘how to apply for a court order’ and ‘how much does a court order cost’. There’s loads of info on Family law. I understand that to some people it would be daunting to wade through legal stuff, but if he can use Facebook or emails, he can have a read of the Family Law section of the government’s website. It’s laid out for the public to read, it’s not some kind of complex legal jargon.

Also, you’ve been together not particularly long, you don’t live together or have kids, and he can’t even make the effort to apply to see his kid. Why are you calling him your partner and ‘we’-ing him?? What kind of partnership means that you don’t actually know the cause of a massive issue in his life, the “business”, and he’s on his arse while you try and gather ideas on how to get him in contact with his kid? He’s a loser. Move on.

If he's not working, unless he has very substantial savings or other income, he will qualify for legal aid.
You are being so naive.

Unemployed - usually qualify for legal aid.
If you contact the police and everything is legit let us know and I will PM you a lawyer recommendation.

My god there's a lot of presumption without any FACTS on this thread. !!

It's actually very simple OP. If he is unemployed then he simply needs to complete a c100 of the HMCTS website. Fill it in. Along with the EX160 form to be exempt from paying the court fee of £215. (Proof of low/no income - bank statement) or benefit proof.

Fill in both forms. Photocopy 3 times and take to the court.

If he is a dangerous , wife / child abuser then he will only get indirect or supervised contact OR none at all. If she is an evil bitch keeping her son from a relationship with his father then the judge will make an order based on the EVIDENCE and FACTS ! A report will be made to assess any allegations against your DP made by CAFCASS who will make a recommendation to the judge about the most appropriate way forward.

The mother doesn't get to make this choice.

If he is named on the birth cert or was married to the mother then this is all he needs to do. IF he has nothing to hide and is as innocent as you say then there is no reason for him not to do this right now !! If he is as desperate to see his son as you say. It will cost him nothing.

If he isn't named he has to first apply for Parental responsibility. An equally simple process. Same fee exemption.

If he doesn't PROACTIVELY do this then I would also believe he has something to hide but as my DH was in exactly your position I know that there are evil and vindictive women out there - and I am not prepared to jump to hysterical conclusions based on this limited background.

Tell him to get form filling. !
The court is very used to these sort of problems. We had his children returned within 6 Weeks.

No excuse for him not to crack on.

I would also get on to the legal board and ask these questions of the brilliant family lawyers who give their time to answer any questions. Their advice will be accurate and not filled with the assumption that every non resident father is a bad'un.

Just bear in mind that if he does nothing. Then he probably has more too hide. Until that point .. get on with it.

Google doesnt always bring up convictions. My ex went to prison for DV before he met me! I never knew I tried to google but it doesnt come up at all.

@offtocornwall

Did you read the FACTS that the OP is in Scotland?
Nah, didn't think so.
I'd feel a right arse if I were you.

For a moment I wondered if you were my awful ex husbands new girlfriend

She believes I have stopped contact

Truth is - he chose to. And he drags his heels and finds all these convenient reasons why he can't resume contact which of course have nothing to do with the fact he just can't be arsed to do what it takes... but a solicitors trip here and there then fire one and spend months searching for a new one keeps his facade ticking over to his new partner and mother

I used to be perfectly friendly to him too for the sake of my child but when he began frequently being abusive I took action

Yeah fair enough not all men are guilty however I think when a man goes over 6 months without seeing his child... it's a fair assumption that most likely they're not father of the year