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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP ex stops him seeing his son

276 replies

stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 12:53

Hello, hopefully this won't be long but we are in dire need of some advice.
My DP has a 4yr old son who he hasn't managed to see for over a year.
We've been to a solicitor but there wasn't much help they could provide. Ex has moved house, changed number, blocked us on FB, don't have any contact details for other family members. What on earth are we supposed to do?? He's painfully aware this could be the 2nd Christmas without seeing his boy. He could be dead and we wouldn't know?! What can we do wise MN!

OP posts:
IdahoJones · 11/09/2018 18:02

@ponderingonthings Same here. Far too common, sadly.

Pebblesandfriends · 11/09/2018 18:22

Well the op is doing the right thing and getting the facts so she has the information.

Graphista · 11/09/2018 18:52

HIGHLY unlikely she'd have called the police without a damn good reason!

You say "business" which suggests you have no idea what's happened but HE does. But he's telling you he doesn't. It's not cheap or easy or convenient to move, change number etc. Sounds like he was having contact until that point.

That strongly suggests to me he's fucked up in some way! I dread to think what!

Do you have DC? If so I would not be letting him anywhere near them until you know the full story DEFINITELY not leaving them alone with him.

"All I know is he went to collect the little boy one day and exes new partner and mine had a wee scuffle" correction - all you know is that this is what HE told you! I suspect at the very least it was more than a 'wee scuffle'!

"It was her partner who started on mine" so he says! The physical appearance of her partner is irrelevant! The fact yours already has a metal plate from a previous fight - which would have been with someone else suggests it's YOUR partner starts/finds trouble!

"Police don't normally get involved for a Wee scuffle." Yep especially when it sounds like there was more than one incident too.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!

19 months - you really won't know him very well. The fact you googled his name shows you don't entirely believe him either. If it's the child he hurt that will be protected and not public record so not googleable.

Your post at 1434 SCREAMS that it's your partner that's the problem.

Your "witnessing" a lack of issue at handovers means nothing, 'wife batterers' tend not to do much in front of witnesses who are likely to be believed.

What 'ongoing family problems'? It gets worse by the minute!

She's even removed the child from a nursery he was presumably settled and happy in AND closed her bank account! Jesus! For her to not even want cm from him - seriously sounding more and more dodgy!

You DON'T need to 'find out more' or do X y z to investigate or help him gain access to the child. Honestly once it's at the point you're seriously needing to consider using Claire's

You DUMP AND RUN!

"What an over reaction." Err no it really isn't! You're describing to us a man who was so badly beaten in one fight he needed a metal plate, who's physically fought with his ex's new partner, who's ex has now flown without warning from her home, closed her bank account, withdrawn her son from his nursery (NO parent does this lightly!! I can ABSOLUTELY assure you - endless threads on here parents debating whether to take great jobs etc because it means taking their child out of their childcare where they're settled and happy), so doesn't even want cm from him, has blocked him from communicating with her, who has called the police on him (on likely more than one occasion), who feels scared enough to call for help when approached by him in public and ALSO confident enough that that if a member of the public HAD called the police at her request she wouldn't be in trouble for wasting their time! Who's older family member ALSO feels scared/confident enough in acting the same when approached by him, who is clearly lying to you about what's really gone on, who isn't doing all he can to re-establish contact with his child, who cannot find a job despite seemingly great efforts to (is something showing up on a background check meaning many jobs are closed to him?)

So NO you're UNDER reacting!

Frankly what she's done sounds to me very like what a neighbour of mine who was a victim of DV was advised to do to protect herself from her ex.

I can see women's aid give very similar advice generally.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447928860934-dc869210-5f8b

If you live in a small town (which it sounds like you do) then I can understand EVEN MORE her changing nursery, address, bank etc - I live in a small town in Scotland, there's only one branch of the banks, few nurseries etc and EVERYONE knows everyone - I've only lived her a few years but the locals I have on FB (inc relatives) have the most astonishing connections to people I know through a completely different route. We have a women's refuge, most of the women that go there move right out of the area once they've left their ex. The neighbour I referenced her daughter was friends with mine. The kids lost contact in order to protect them (I bumped into her by pure chance in another town over 100 miles away where they're now living. She panicked a little when she saw us which I understand. This was when I found out all that had gone on! I of course assured her that neither I nor dd would mention to ANYONE that we'd even seen them. Dd was luckily old enough to understand well enough).

People can opt not to be on the public electoral roll - it makes things very hard for them in terms of getting credit etc but it would also be something that the police/ss or women's aid could potentially advise as a protective measure.

STOP HELPING HIM FIND HER you don't know what's happened and could be helping an abuser.

"Even though he’d never be able to trace her via the bank she still won’t accept it." Not necessarily true actually but I don't want to say more as don't want op passing this info to her partner. Or other abusers using it - that's why she'll have been advised to change bank account.

I think asking this man 'more probing questions' could put the op at risk - DON'T do that op

JohnnyMarrsRedGuitar · 11/09/2018 19:36

By the way OP, exH told his new wife/new friends etc that I stopped him seeing DD, was mad, etc etc.

Truth was we ended up in a refuge because of him, and Cafcass advised NC (DD was old enough to make her feelings absolutely clear).

Tread warily.

stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 20:04

Can everyone stop making assumptions about my partner! 19 months might not be long to you but I have spent enough time with both him and his son to know he is a good dad.
I understand that I may not have seen any DV but DS is 4 years old, he has had constant contact up until last year, it's so random just to cut it off

OP posts:
ponderingonthings · 11/09/2018 20:11

Yeah but tbh my ex new partner lives with him, thinks she knows him...

And yet if only she contacted the police she'd find out there's proof that he actually is the nasty piece of work he spends his time trying to cover up to her

RabbitsAreTasty · 11/09/2018 20:20

He is desperate to see his son yet it is you asking on Mumsnet and being given quite obvious advice that he could have gained himself from not a lot of Googling. Hmm

Violence follows him around doesn't it? Metal plate in his eye because someone beat him up badly, scuffle with the new bf to the extent the police were called. He is awfully, um, unlucky, with the extreme violence isn't he. Odd that.

stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 20:22

How many times, the police were not called because of the scuffle! They were phoned weeks after

OP posts:
ponderingonthings · 11/09/2018 20:24

Yeah it took me 3 years to finally report some of the things to the police once I was getting DV counselling

Means nothing!

Hertha · 11/09/2018 20:29

How long was his ex’s new partner on the scene before problems started?

stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 20:29

In the end they were in a relationship for about 3 weeks and didn't live together. I honestly just cannot see him being violent at all towards her.
Obviously I could be totally wrong and honestly hope I am.
I've seen the texts between them, the Facebook messages and there is never anything to suggest that something had happened. He last seen DS on the 6th of August, on the 7th he text her asking how things were. She replied about her day etc. That night he phoned DS and everything was still fine.
She was due to drop him off on the 9th but never heard from her. Assumed she'd forgot/was too tired etc. Tried to text and phone her on the 10th but the calls weren't going through. Tried her partners number and that didn't work either, checked Facebook and we were both blocked

OP posts:
stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 20:31

Ages, I think she got with her partner January 2016 or round about that time. The scuffle was June 2017, where my DP says they didn't hit each other but her DP had him in a head lock and kept knocking his cap off and throwing it away.
Then on August the contact was stopped

OP posts:
Veterinari · 11/09/2018 20:39

Crochetbelle at least offtocornwall is giving clear and constructive advice. As you seem aware that the process is different in Scotland, perhaps you could outline it?
At least that would be helpful and constructive.

flamingomonkey · 11/09/2018 20:41

My ex's partner lives with him and seemingly thinks he's perfect. He sees the kids in a contact centre every two weeks for an hour (his request) and he has convinced her it's because I want him back. He ONCE said he wants to go to court over the issue. He didn't see them for eight months until his Dad told him to fix it and recommended a contact centre.

The man is abusive and both kids make it clear they don't really want a relationship with him.

He sent me a letter full of lies and vitriol based on advice from his solicitor. I responded factually and never got a response. His girlfriend believes he's a Saint and the victim. A lot more is going on here. Please be careful

AngkorWaat · 11/09/2018 20:43

If my ex disappeared with my kids and I knew he was in the same town, I’d spend my days knocking on every door until I found them. It would consume me, I’d use every waking second working out what I had to do to find them. Every spare penny would be saved for them.

Your OH isn’t trying to find his son, he’s making vague noises about it. That wouldn’t be good enough for me, it seems highly suspicious.

LeftRightCentre · 11/09/2018 20:44

I'm ever amazed at how many people's self-esteem and standards are so low they're like a doormat in a mine shaft. You know what your first red flag should have been? That YOU, his girlfriend, is the one spearheading all this. Why the fuck isn't he doing every single thing in his power to see his child and pay for him? Here are the facts:
A) He's an employed dead beat dad who 'thought eventually she would just get back in touch or somebody would know by now where they have gone' instead of being proactive about it all. And he's still the same all these months later because you're the one doing the work here.
B) He had a 'wee scuffle' with another man (obviously not the only one as he's also got a metal plate in his skull from a previous, erm, scuffle or whatever, of course, neither of these is his fault Hmm) and the maternal grandmother of his child is so frightened of him that she called the police.
C) Do you need anymore?

What does a single, childfree person want with a deadbeat dad who's a ned into the bargain?

Please, dump him and do the Freedom Programme. This man has Domestic Violence Loser written all over him.

Use some serious contraception and do not fall pregnant to him. He's already proven he's a waste of space as a parent.

Seniorschoolmum · 11/09/2018 20:47

Ok, OP, let’s say your oh is blameless. Go from the beginning.

Check the dv disclosure with the police. Ask at the nearest police station.
Then google mediation and get the paperwork for your oh to fill in. Help him if necessary.
Go from there. If he is on the level, he should agree to meet his ex and come to an agreement calmly. If either refuses, the next step is court ordered access.

But please be careful, keep an open mind and bear in mind you only have one side of the story so far.

stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 20:57

He was attacked by two men who were blazing drunk. That is not a scuffle, it was in the news and the men got community service because of it. This itself was years ago. He is blameless for what happened there.
He isn't unemployed, he does agency work but it's only when they need him! He can't exactly help that. Not everybody is able to walk into a job.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 11/09/2018 21:06

He could even maybe possibly google mediation himself.

LeftRightCentre · 11/09/2018 21:07

He isn't unemployed, he does agency work but it's only when they need him! He can't exactly help that. Not everybody is able to walk into a job.

Then you sign on to more agencies, take on several jobs at once, hit the pavement and do whatever you can to get work because you have a child to support and/or fees to pay to get access. You've been doing nothing but minimising and making excuses for this man who has really done nothing concrete to try to get to see his child.

Feefeetrixabelle · 11/09/2018 21:31

Maybe you should take a step back. Give him all the information and see what he does with it. If it’s nothing then run and don’t look back.

ponderingonthings · 11/09/2018 21:38

Look really it isn't your ex being stopped is it? It's him not pulling his fingers out of his arse for some reason enough and manipulation towards you to get you to take it over for him.

Whatever you do, don't procreate with him. I'm quite sure my ex isn't likely to be currently abusing his new partner other than manipulation however he didn't with me till I was pregnant and the added stress of a child seemed to bring out major issues

Also his father died in similar tragic circumstances and despite barely having a relationship he uses that as a big excuse why he doesn't and didn't see his son frequently till the last time he decided he would sulk and refuse to see him till he "clears his name" as I finally took action against his abuse

We're telling you very stereotypical similar stories and you seem to want to make excuses further than open your eyes... abusers never start out being nasty - victims wouldn't be trapped if they began on day one. You're manipulated, and gradually you're trapped and one day it's bad enough for you to wake up and think shit I'm actually in this

Took me years of making excuses for him to see it, tons of no officer he didn't mean it he was just stressed, tons of lying to school, doctors, counsellors, friends, family members etc and keeping the facade for him of how wonderful he was. Plenty of big gestures to show how sorry he was after each time...

I started the freedom programme still convincing myself I wasn't there because of him but a brief relationship afterwards... and one day I sat there and realised I'd been in a long term abusive marriage and walked out of it immediately into the hands of someone much more obviously abusive physically, but fortunately I didn't have a child with them so was easier to get out

I stopped looking at him through the lens of poor him he just can't help it but he's really a nice person and woke up finally

The fact he even has a current partner willing to live with him whatever story she's been spun tells me everything about her - she's me years ago, too trusting, too forgiving, falling for the big gestures that must mean he's really an amazing man and simply human with some tough stuff to work through. I pray everyday he doesn't get her pregnant as she'll find out suddenly how vile he can be. Luckily for her if she ever needs the police involved there's a clear picture with them waiting to help her open her eyes truly

Graphista · 11/09/2018 22:57

Given the later updates, op they don't have to have lived together or been together long for him to have been abusive. Even IF that were the case I'm wondering if she's done a Claire's or even Sarah's law (THAT is even more worrying if so) check and discovered something about him herself? If it's Sarah's law stuff that DEFINITELY won't show up on google!

Plus AGAIN 'we were only together for 3 weeks, DS conceived via ons' you've only his word for that.

"He was attacked by two men who were blazing drunk. That is not a scuffle, it was in the news and the men got community service because of it." You've actually seen evidence that he was a completely blameless victim in this incident? You're certain the incident you're thinking of was the one he was hurt in?

If if if...

It shouldn't be this hard. Like I said before ANY man you feel even the briefest need to check his background - RUN!!!

Cuttingthegrass · 12/09/2018 06:38

Please listen to people on here OP

LongWalkShortPlank · 12/09/2018 06:54

Another one here where the ex says I'm the issue when in reality it was him. I'd try and find a way to contact her and get the whole story yourself. You're being told the bits he wants you to know.

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