Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP ex stops him seeing his son

276 replies

stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 12:53

Hello, hopefully this won't be long but we are in dire need of some advice.
My DP has a 4yr old son who he hasn't managed to see for over a year.
We've been to a solicitor but there wasn't much help they could provide. Ex has moved house, changed number, blocked us on FB, don't have any contact details for other family members. What on earth are we supposed to do?? He's painfully aware this could be the 2nd Christmas without seeing his boy. He could be dead and we wouldn't know?! What can we do wise MN!

OP posts:
Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 11/09/2018 14:45

Just my own ( possible )take on the situation. Maybe his ex's new partner is v controlling and he has more to do with them moving away / cutting contact. ( Saying this as MY ex was a narcassist. Another theory perhaps?

PositiveVibez · 11/09/2018 14:46

He has seen DS once which was last October and he went up to him, we don't know who he was with but he was told to get away, the person (guessing granny) asked for help from the public as she was frightened

That is not usual behaviour. Surely he would know if it was his ex partners mum (granny). For her to ask for help as she was scared still doesn't have you questioning his version on events????

When you fins yourself Googling your boyfriend's name to see if he has been convicted of beating up an ex, then that should maybe make you think he's not the man for you.

Nicknacky · 11/09/2018 14:46

The very fact you had enough doubt in your mind to google him shows that you need to do the disclosure. Although it doesn’t mean if they have nothing to tell you that the ex partner doesn’t have reason to fear him anyway.
.

RandomObject · 11/09/2018 14:47

Your DP has a son with his ex but can't confirm if the woman with him in town was his grandmother?

That is odd to me. Suggests he never spent any time whatsoever with her family, which is red flag territory.

GONNAENo · 11/09/2018 14:47

My BIL spins stories like this. He's down nothing wrong, everyone hates him, he loves his kids, he can't afford a solicitor, it's not easy to file without a solicitor. Blah, blah, blah.

Truth is he's an abusive cunt who shouldn't be near women or children. Always takes the new girlfriends a while to figure that out though, apart from the girlfriends with kids, SS warns them off. Dreadfully unfair though...

PositiveVibez · 11/09/2018 14:47

*find

Rainycloudyday · 11/09/2018 14:47

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for this man and refusing to face the hard reality which is either that he's not actually bothers enough about seeing his son to take the appropriate action, or there is a legitimate reason why his ex seems to be frightened of him.

Either way makes him a pretty poor man and a pretty poor father. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Do you have no standards?

penisbeakers · 11/09/2018 14:48

Mums don't just cut contact like that for no reason. They don't. As others have said, massive red flag. I'd be worried about what would happen if he had access to him. I'd be doing a full background check on him to be quite honest. CRB the lot.

Original poster
stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 14:49

I don't know if it was granny, could have been a child minder. I only seen an older lady
And who knows what story's she has fed that person to make them react like that. But tbh if somebody came at me saying I want to see my son I'd be a bit scared as well.
Genuinely do not think he has harmed a single hair on her head
He did try to pay child maintenance into her bank account but it was sent back, the next time he tried it didn't work. He later found out that the bank account was closed

OP posts:
corythatwas · 11/09/2018 14:49

As Ajas said, what's wrong with weeks and months? Why on earth would you give up on the chance of ever seeing your child because it might take weeks and months to get a form processed?

Also, as everybody else is saying, you have got no other evidence than what your partner is actually telling you.

At the best, he is putting very little effort into contact with his own child. At the worst, he is lying to you.

Nicknacky · 11/09/2018 14:50

God, you aren't going to hear a words against him are you?

BrendasUmbrella · 11/09/2018 14:50

Is he trying to get a job? Every "but" has a potential way out if it. If this all comes down to lack of money, he had better be making a big effort to get a job and get money. So is he?

If most of what he is doing boils down to moaning about the situation and moaning about her, nothing will be achieved. And many absent fathers like it that way (If I sound like I'm speaking from bitter experience, I am...)

Does he have poor impulse control or a temper problem? Have you noticed that nothing in your posts suggests he could be at all to blame for anything? Frightening two women who have to call for help does not sound good. Does he understand he can't intimidate his way out of this?

He needs to use the proper channels to work out access. And you need to look at the strength of those rose tinted specs.

AjasLipstick · 11/09/2018 14:51

Do you have your own children around this man?

JohnnyMarrsRedGuitar · 11/09/2018 14:51

Oh gosh OP please be careful.

You only have his side of the story here. His ex sounds genuinely scared.

Have you considered the idea that he's so reluctant to take this to court because he's scared of what will come out during proceedings? Because he could self-represent, money is not really a barrier.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/09/2018 14:51

Sorry but yet another poster saying: watch your step, this man sounds like an abusive shitbag. They are always 'lovely at first in their new relationships and their exes are always spiteful crazy bitches. She may have tried to keep things civil with him for the sake of the child (women are usually under a lot of pressure to allow/enable contact between their XP and the kids, even if the man has put the kids' mother in hospital more than once). But he has almost certainly done or said something that terrified her enough to cut off all contact and inform her family that he is dangerous.

Your best bet is probably to end the relationship and cut contact with him yourself. He's got 'family problems' too? I expect those are down to him abusing family members.

Original poster
stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 14:53

Is it as simple as going to the police? I know about Claire law, is that the right thing to ask for? Does it cost?
I am utterly clueless
He didn't know if it was his granny or not, she got pregnant through a one night stand and although they tried to make the relationship work they never could. So no he doesn't know her family. Might have even be her partners mum for all I know.
I am listening to you all, it might not seem like that but I am

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 11/09/2018 14:55

Weeks and months is better than never isn’t it?
Stop making excuses for him. He sounds like a waste of space

IdahoJones · 11/09/2018 14:55

He did try to pay child maintenance into her bank account but it was sent back

When? Did you we see the evidence?

AlleyG · 11/09/2018 14:56

Yea I'm aware he should have done something sooner, he didn't do anything about it last year as he has had a lot of on going family problems
Failing to see how any family problem could be any bigger or take priority over not seeing his son

Original poster
stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 14:56

Oh fgs he doesn't abuse his family members. What an over reaction. If it's that important to know, his father killed himself. About two weeks after she had stopped contact.
No I don't have any children at all.
He is doing volunteer work atm and is on the books of several agencies so he will only get work when they need him. He has tried hard to get something permanent but nothing has come up atm

OP posts:
swingofthings · 11/09/2018 14:57

I'm sorry OP but you are so naive it's heartbreaking. He tried to pay child maintenance but couldnt pay because she changed her account? So what has he done with the money? Surely he should have saved it each month and then he'd have enough to pay for legal advice.

Couldn't do anything sooner because of family issues? Not enough time yet not working. When did he last work?

Sounds like he winds up many people but it's everyone else fault. OP you need to stop thinking your OH is blameless from what you've written it'd unlikely to be the case.

Rainycloudyday · 11/09/2018 14:57

I'm glad this is sinking in-sorry if my words were harsh but it's very frustrating reading posts from women who just won't see the reality of a situation then inevitably drop in that they are pregnant by their loser sounding partner. Please look after yourself and any children you have first and don't be afraid to be single even if that means facing up to having a not very nice partner.

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 11/09/2018 14:57

What i would say is that even if there is no DV trace it doesn't mean that there has not been domestic abuse! A lot can happen and still go under the radar even if its reported to the police. I have had nearly 2 years of bullying and domestic abuse from my ex, tbh the police were not overly interested.
The mum has gone to a lot of trouble to hide her identity, move, close a bank account etc etc, you can not ignore these signs, they are huge red flags, huge!!!
Personally i think you should be concerned! Also the fact he hasnt attempted to find her for all this time, does he know hes done something wrong??
Of course it could all be so so different and it could be the mother holding a grudge or something, but i still think there are huge warning signs there.

Original poster
stressedcatt · 11/09/2018 14:58

I seen it on his bank statement as he had to give one to the solicitor, twice he sent over 140 pounds and both times it was sent back

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 11/09/2018 14:59

It's not called Claire's law in Scotland but it is our version of it. No it doesn't cost anything and you can go to any police office and make the application. I can't remember if you can do it online or by phone but google and find out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread