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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/09/2018 21:20

I am dealing with the fall out of having a very small party this year . I invited a completely different friendship group (and a child that missed the last one ) but I still think I have Made a boo boo and one child is not talking to my DC now Sad.

Despite having been invited to everything in the past ! It’s a minefield

KERALA1 · 11/09/2018 21:23

Me too stop. Dd wants a smaller party with a few close friends this year inevitably some girls we normally invite won't be invited and I am friends with their parents. But at 9 it's up to the child, within reason

Santaclarita · 11/09/2018 21:27

I would see if your son really wants to go or not. If it doesn't, lie. Tell the mum that you are awfully sorry, but you completely forgot about a family engagement that very day, and unfortunately can't make it.

Your son can just blame you then for being ditzy to his friends and they can have a laugh about it. Then just go out for the day somewhere.

Santaclarita · 11/09/2018 21:30

He! Not it, jesus my phone is stupid.

Pollypocket090 · 11/09/2018 21:32

How sad for your son. I would probably encourage my daughter to not go at all, but I can be a bit 'cut my nose of to spite my face', and I think your approach is better!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/09/2018 21:35

I only invited 2 Kerala! Oh well
It’s a painful part of growing up

I feel bad this child is upset but I genuinely tried to manage by inviting a different group entierely

Still failed but DC is being remarkable sanguin about it !

HesterMacaulay · 11/09/2018 21:37

I'd rather 5 kids had a good time than 7 had a mediocre time.

Then they should only have invited 5 children. To select 2 for the 'mediocre' time is what is so hurtful.

KERALA1 · 11/09/2018 21:38

Also as my two genuinely don't really care if they are not invited to every party it's abit off my radar that other children might get properly upset

HesterMacaulay · 11/09/2018 21:45

KERALA1 I agree with you. We always had relatively small parties for DD. And as a result, DD accepted that she would not always be invited to other parties. Great life lesson.

Making 2 out of 7 feel like second class guests is shitty.

Mummymummums · 11/09/2018 21:45

My DS is 10 and has had a bf for years. DS has been a loyal and supportive friend, and was always put with the bf when the bf needed support as the bf suffers with severe anxiety and gets upset. My DS was always his right hand man and go to person when he was upset.
So you can imagine my joy when the bf had his birthday party and was allowed to choose one friend for a sleepover. The bf chose a boy who he had been friends with for precisely a month, who has been really unkind to my DS in the past. Needless to say the bf and this new boy aren't friends at all anymore, it lasted about a week after the party. My DS was heartbroken, but yet again the bf just expected him to be his crutch when he had bad days. It started a pattern and the bf was constantly dropping DS for new friends then going back to him when the new friendships fizzled out. It's taken a while but DS has seen the light - he's got plenty of other friends and is fortunately developing new friendships. I asked the School to stop using DS as the bf's supporting the end.
People can be thoughtless and I think there's no harm giving guidance to DC as to the right/kind thing to do. Leaving just 2 kids out isn't right.

Juells · 11/09/2018 21:51

Pollypocket090

How sad for your son. I would probably encourage my daughter to not go at all, but I can be a bit 'cut my nose of to spite my face', and I think your approach is better!

That's me too, but I don't think the nice approach is better. I'd want my child to place a value on him/herself, being one of only two not invited to stay over isn't good for the self-esteem.

thegardenfairy · 11/09/2018 21:58

I'm sure you have tickets for a fantastic show that you simply have to take your dc to OP. Shame it's on the same day as your dc's friends narcissistic mother has planned a party that only serves to make 2 of her dc's friends feel worthless.

Karma is a bitch... Its fun to watch though 😉 Buy popcorn and have fun

Thesearepearls · 11/09/2018 22:03

That's just mean

I'm sorry for your DS. I'd genuinely give the party a miss - what's going to happen at 7?

SevenAndEighteen · 11/09/2018 22:07

Some people are just thoughtless and horrible, perhaps do something fun with your son once he has been picked up from the party.

missnevermind · 11/09/2018 22:09

I would message the mum and say sorry when I accepted I didn’t realise that DS wasn’t invited to the complete party so I think that we will just stick with our original plans for that day and he will see your son on the Monday at school

IamAporcupine · 11/09/2018 22:15

This is just so mean, I am angry for you and upset for your son Sad.

As many PP have said, I would not let him go to the party - just tell DS that you hadn't realised that was the day you had tickets for [his favorite something] and take him there instead.

If the kids are making such a big deal about 'which text they got' now, imagine how smug they will be at the party itself! I would not enjoy that as a kid.

Shutityoutart · 11/09/2018 22:22

I don’t know if this has been suggested but if your son gets along with the other ‘non sleepover boy’ can’t you pick them both up at 7, go for pizza /cinema and then have them both back at yours for a fab sleepover of their own?!!
You could text your friend that you will have to pick ds and the other boy up slightly early as they have a film to catch?!!

AcrossthePond55 · 11/09/2018 22:28

I'd do what Shutityoutart suggests. Make plans for the two non-invitees. But I wouldn't text party mum or let her know I was doing so, I'd just do it quietly.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 11/09/2018 22:52

Op I feel really bad for your boy This friend F is old enough to know he has been unkind and the "which text did you receive?" Conversation must have been instigated by him so he's done this on purpose.

You sound like you are dealing with it really well but I honestly would say don't send him. You have to teach him that he is worth more than that and encourage him to have friendships with people who treat him respectfully. I also don't think I could bear to collect him and let him go through that indignity. Far better to come up with a more exciting plan and decline.

Personally I wouldn't say anything to the mum because you can't trust her not to tell F and this will mean further embarrassment for your DS. Just reply something along the lines of, "Sorry I accepted too soon DS actually wont be able to make the party. Hope F enjoys it"

I would also distance myself from the friendship. I know you say that she has just been thoughtless but someone who caused by son to sob in his dads arms isn't somebody I could, in all conscience, be good friends with.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 11/09/2018 22:54

It’s an error of judgement

I would struggle to be friends with somebody who had such poor judgement that they thought this would be ok. It shows a complete lack of empathy.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 11/09/2018 23:27

Slarti

Are you for real, you sound exactly like the idiot mother in this tale.

It is a shitty thing to do. You would happily excude 2 kids out of a group? Really? You sound fucking delightful.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 11/09/2018 23:45

Q

Nodnol · 12/09/2018 02:41

What a shitty thing to do. Your poor son.

Can he go into school and when he’s asked “which text” say “I don’t know. I can’t go anyway, we have plans for xyz that day.”

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 12/09/2018 02:59

I really think you should speak to the mum. Sometimes people are odd and do strange things that others wouldn't do. I know a school mum that wanted my son to sleep over 3 nights a week and didn't understand why I said no.
She may not have intended to upset your son but she needs to know the consequences of what she has done and that this behaviour isn't acceptable. And I wouldn't let your son go to the party and let him do something else instead that day, the poor kid.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/09/2018 07:08

Fwiw my other DC suggested this for one party and I vetoed it for the very same reasons

I would let your son decide . My guess is as he stayed over loads of times she stupidly thought he wouldn’t mind

This Too shall
Pass OP

I often get
More upset about this shit than my kids do !