To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

[DileenODoubts]

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

I’ve been following this thread and thinking about it in relation to my son.

There’s just no way this is a kind thing to do at any age. If my son suggested it (which I wouldn’t) I wouldn’t allow it and if I suggested it my son would say it wasn’t nice.

We’ve all felt like at various times even in adulthood. It’s shit.

I can’t decide if I’d tell the mother - I’d certainly want to and on balance I think I probably would.

This situation reminds me of when I attended my GFather's second wedding after my GM died.

There I was at the reception sitting at the table with DM, DF and chatting happily with some cousins of the new bride. Then they said "ok we are popping off to our room to freshen up now, see you at the big party tonight." Cue mystified looks from us. As far as we knew the small buffet we were at was the end of the day. Turns out there was a massive champagne fuelled party planned for the evening. All the bride's guests were invited but none of GF's family.

We walked out. Didn't set eyes on GF for about 10 years after that. My choice. Absolute shitty thing to do.

On golden pond that's awful was there any justification for that? Did you parents continue a relationship with him in the 10 years you didn't? Did they or you have any relationship with his new wife?

*I agree this is very thoughtless and unkind.

But before you burn all your bridges with this woman and her son, I would make sure you think through the repercussions for your DS and find out what he really wants.

If you fall out with the MUm and your son doesn;t go to the party - it could end up that he's excluded from his friendship group at school. It might be wiser to juts try and breeze cheerfully through this episode, see if things improve afterwards. Invite other children round to yours for sleepovers and playdates on a regular basis.

Your DS will be going to secondary school before long - he'll get a wider circle of friends, and this particular group won't seem so important. But for now I would tread carefully - this is your DS's current friendship group and he could end up being left out of all future things if this all blows out of control.*

I agree with all of this - sometimes you need to take a deep breath and be strategic (whilst hoping the mother concerned gets bitten by a shark)

Figgy, no justification at all!

My poor DM had spent her whole life trying to please her dad, nothing was ever good enough though. They even snubbed my uncle (DM's brother) and his family who had just a year earlier nursed my lovely GM through her last illness and looked after GF after she died. But as soon as he met the new wife he dumped his family and spent all his time with hers.

DM tried to keep in touch but new wife kept cancelling their visits. When they finally managed to agree a date and drove 3 hours to GF house, they were only allowed to stay for half an hour until GF announced " you have to leave now, we are going out ". She gave up after that

In your situation - assuming your ds still wants to go to the party bit I’d invite a couple of his other friends to do something and maybe sleepover at your house. So you could go and collect your son and take them all bowling or to the cinema or something which would maybe lessen the blow of him having to be picked up early.
Awful behaviour from the parents though. My kids have asked if they can have a few friends stay over after a big party and I’ve always given them a choice of a small party where everyone stays or a big party where no one does and they can have a sleepover another time.
Imagine sending 2 kids packing while the rest sleep over - it’s cruel!

Don’t let him stand there and put his shoes on to go home with the tail between his legs when the other gets to stay. That’s crushing for any kid. Do something else that day

Absolutely do something else that day if your ds is ok with that. But failing that I’d see no harm in turning up to collect him with a few of his excited friends in tow to go straight on to laser tag/cinema/bowling. Maybe see if the other second class guest would like to join you?

How was school today OP, hope your son is ok

Thanks for all the replies.
DS said this morning he doesn’t want to go so I text the mum and said ‘I didn’t realise when I RSVP’d the sleepover arrangement for only some boys. DS would be really hurt with being picked up while the rest of the boys prepare for a fun night so we’re going to decline the invite. Hope F has a good bday.
Apparently the other lower class friend has declined too.
DS’s bff has said it’s not fair and he doesn’t want to go anymore either so that has made my son feel far better and realise he has good friends.
No reply from the mum

Good for your DS and his bff and good for you for making it clear why he isn't coming.

Hope it makes them think.

His bf is so lovely and I’m so grateful he has him.

Ooh interesting.

Let’s hope the mum wises up and has a rethink or at the very least offers an apology.

I’m chuffed for your son. He sounds so great.

DS would be really hurt with being picked up while the rest of the boys prepare for a fun night so we’re going to decline the invite.

Oooh, perfectly explained. Polite but final.

Ah that's interesting OP - you've definitely done the right thing. Good for his bf.
I expect you'll hear from the mum sometime later today.

I've been thinking about this since last night and still can't believe any adult would think this was an ok thing to do!

I want to give your son and his bf a hug!

The obvious thing to do now is have the other lad over and do something fun with both of them.

I think you’ve handled it all really well.

Yes - I think a fun day and sleepover at yours for DS, the other left out boy and the BFF would be just the thing. Children have a very keen eye for unfairness, BFF sounds like a good lad.

good for you OP, great txt. And well done your little boy for standing up for himself.

What an absolute cow. I wonder how she would feel if you did the same to her DS. Is your DS friends with the other little boy who isn't invited to stay over? Could they have their own little sleepover? Might soften the blow a bit when all the other boys are talking about their sleepover in school.

Sorry just read your last reply, your DS and his friend can have their own sleepover now

Think you handled it really well, with a lot of dignity from you & your DS.

Good for you and glad your son has a kind best friend.

I would have the two boys who have turned town the invite over for a sleep over I think.

The woman is literally teaching her child to be passive aggressive. What a twat

Will be interested to hear what response you do get

Good for you and your son