To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

[DileenODoubts]

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

Can a random family member have booked a super treat like a West End Show or Concert or Harry Potter tour or Thorpe Park that cant possibly be changed due to non refundable tickets

as others have said I would talk to the mum and say that your DS is actually not fine. She has to learn that her actions have consequences. I feel for him.

I don't actually see a problem with it. your ds will still have fun.

its life

What a horrible thing to do to a child (or two children, in this case.) I’d send a text declining the invitation and explaining that it was a shitty thing to do.

cmlover you are very much in the minority. It isn’t ‘life’ to exclude children. It is damaging and a terrible example to your own children.

I hope you take the lead and don’t send him. Really I think it would be a big mistake to put him through the shame of having to leave the other boys.

Please consider how upset he will be that night, he won’t necessarily realise how bad/awkward it will be until he is there. He sounds so lovely and good natured! A credit to you, but don’t let them hurt him.

The party will be yesterday’s news soon enough.

He could always take the view to his peers that he stays over loads so him taking the backseat this time means someone else who doesn't he that chance, can stay.
Still shorty though

How thoughtless and nasty. Wonder how she’d feel if this happened to her son.

I think you should let him decide whether or not he wants to go to any of the party. But I still think you should organise something fantastic for him to do later that evening, or in fact, earlier than 7. Maybe pick him up at 6 instead because of said fantastic thing - can't possibly stay any later because fantastic things is happening, sorry, got to go, couldn't have stayed anyway so all worked out for the best.

You've said he doesn't want anyone to know he's upset, so don't go telling friend's mum that he is, because she will talk to the friend and it will snowball from there.

There is a lesson in resilience to be learnt here, but fucking hell it's a hard one! And a very steep learning curve as well, poor boy. Whatever he decides to do, let him do it his way. If he has control over what he does about it, it will give him a small bit of empowerment over a thoroughly shitty situation.

Hope he feels better, poor little soul.

If she couldn't cope with all of them staying then she shouldn't have had any of them stay. It's really unfair to just exclude a couple of boys like she has.

When did it become mandatory to invite every friend to sleep over?

We never did & never would - it's just not feasible or realistic. I'd rather 5 kids had a good time than 7 had a mediocre time.

And honestly peeps - "Outraged". Get a hold of yourselves FFS.

Just so bloody mean. If the birthday boy had a party for 7 and then had one or even two for a sleepover then that would be (marginally) better. But to just have two that have to leave - it just seems like it is quite pointed and on-purpose, even though you say that its just thoughtlessness not malevolence.

Think I would withdraw son from the whole thing and plan something fabulous instead. Would withdraw from this mum too. If she thinks this sort of behaviour is fine...well that says a lot about her.

BarbraDear's reply was brilliant - I'd use that.
What a bi*ch of a Mum.

I have posted on this thread but have NCd for this comment

Imagine it was a group of 7 mum friends on a night out, 2 are told they can come for a meal but must go home afterwards whilst the others go to a bar and club because they're not welcome

My sister did exactly this to me about 3 years ago. Yes, she is a massive cunt. I'm VLC.

I was your DS too. There were 8 girls in my class, and I was the only one not invited. Still stings a tad.

Do something fantastic on the day instead and keep him away. As for this “friend”, she can fuck herself

Hrtft.
This is awful. I feel so bad for your ds. These sort of things really stick with children. Going out after for a hobby sounds like a lovely idea.

Your poor little boy. There is no way this mum doesn’t see how cruel this is. Pick your favourites, they will get to stay over.

How will your some feel when 7pm comes around and he has to leave while everyone else stays!? I know you don’t want to embarrass him - I would explain to the mum afterwards how hurtful it was and if she is planning on doing the same next year you would be grateful if she just didn’t invite your son at all. Tell her life is too short for this sort of nonsense.

The mums only invited you to stay til 7pm, to ensure you take your son back with you and that she doesn’t feel bullied into letting him stay. She’s a bitch.

I would imagine you have been invited to stay because you will be a handy extra pair of hands!
As others have said, let your son lead but do impress upon him that it is never acceptable to trat someone poorly. It might make him realise that his 'friend' is a bit shit and this whole sorry mess says more about them than him.

I really would have to point out to the mum how hurtful this is to a child. I wouldn't send him to the party to have to come away early, knowing all the others are staying. I'd plan a special day with him, maybe a day trip somewhere.

The Mum messed up by issuing a broader invite earlier on that she didn't honour. It would've been better to just invite the kids who were staying over. It's not nice to ask 2 to leave in full knowledge everyone else is invited to stay. That's hard for your DS but give him the choice to go or not to go. He sounds like he handled it well - good for him, life is full of these knocks.

But don't send a shitty text. Rise above it. It will create bad blood and guarantee no future invites. In the end as parents we do have to respect our kids views about who they want to invite to their party - it might hurt very old friends. But you can't make kids do what you want when it comes to who to be friends to.

These things happen and children need to learn they don't get invited to everything. It carries in throughout life.

Your DS will be fine in the end. Don't take it too personally.

I'd just send a friendly text getting thanks for the invite but it plans have changed so DS can't make it. Hope everyone has a lovely time.
Then take your son out for a fab time somewhere.
I'd also be inclined to take the decision out of his hands - then he can go into school and say honestly he can't make it because you've double booked, or whatever excuse you give to him.

Do you know the mum of the other not who is being picked up early?

Other boy

I don't think you will, but please don't send an 'interim' text along the lines of 'we didn't realise the full situation, we'll come back to you with DS's decision'.

Either don't text and go, or just cancel. An interim text is not a good look. They don't care - clearly - this just makes you look more needy.

I think you're between a rock and a hard place - if you confront the Mum, she'll invite DS under duress, and make it clear she's doing so. That's not really a win.

I think it's either a gracious decline full stop, or something along the lines of @notacooldad 's styling it out advice.

It’s an error of judgement
And it’s not worth having a
Massive fall
Out over it

Sometimes people have to make smaller parties and accommodate invitations back etc and they might not realise the massive upset it will cause

I think it’s thoughtless but not malicious