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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 11/09/2018 14:27

Your son needs to get in there first at school. Before they ask, he can say I won't be going to F's party as I'm going to X X X that day instead.

Make sure it's somewhere amazing so his mates will be pretty gobsmacked.

daffodillament · 11/09/2018 14:30

Has he got any other friends in a different circle or maybe cousins, neighbourhood kids whatever that maybe you could have come over and stay at your house the same night ? I would make sure they had loads of fun and they'll forget all about the other sleepover !

daffodillament · 11/09/2018 14:31

PS. Sorry if someone else has already suggested similar..not RTFT. Grin

StarsHollow123 · 11/09/2018 14:35

I think it's appallingly unkind to send two children home early from a group party like that.

Imagine it was a group of 7 mum friends on a night out, 2 are told they can come for a meal but must go home afterwards whilst the others go to a bar and club because they're not welcome. It just wouldn't happen. And it's so much worse to do this with children.

In your position I would make plans with the other boy being asked to leave, invite him to a sleepover at your house when they leave the party. Make it special with a treat not usually allowed so those two have something wonderful to look forward to.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/09/2018 14:36

Personally I think it's ridiculous if she's saying she can accommodate 5 boys but not 7. Are they having a sit down dinner and the table in the formal dining room can't accommodate? Is she tucking them to sleep in their own beds? I doubt it!

An extra pizza and two more sleeping on the floor isn't going to make that much difference.

I think she's been cruel.

worridmum · 11/09/2018 14:36

Yeah don't give him the choice as it will allow him to save face in school. So he has a very good excuse why he did not go, Mum made me do something / she had plans.

I might even be petty and say after the party has happened did you mean to be so mean to children? I would certainly distance myself from her afterwords.

eelbecomingforyou · 11/09/2018 14:37

Bit shitty. This has been done before at friends' parties but at least half the dc go home, and only a few stay. Not send only two home - that's crap.

sharpstick · 11/09/2018 14:40

You have to tell that mum how you feel! I’ve just read how upset your ds is, it’s unacceptable and she needs to know it.

It’s all well and good some people saying be the bigger person and not call her out on it, but she shouldn’t get away with it.

I agree with a few of the example texts here, retracting your rsvp, and I would also add that you don’t expect her son to be told why your ds won’t be attending, that’s adult business. As far as he needs to know, you are busy. Then do something nice as a family.

Then distance yourself from this woman.

Feefeetrixabelle · 11/09/2018 14:43

Given he’s upset about how it would be perceived maybe give him the get out of jail free card of saying you’ve double booked that day and he’s committed to the other made up event first. And book him a fun day out.

MagnaDoodle · 11/09/2018 14:49

Wee soul. I wouldn’t leave it up to him. I’d tell him he isn’t going because you have other plans now. He’s too young to fully understand the reasons he shouldn’t go. You need to make the call for him.

chocatoo · 11/09/2018 14:49

I agree with PPs who say don't go at all to the party and take DS somewhere FAB instead - Lego Land, Alton Towers, London, EuroDisney (lol not that we could afford any of those but get your thinking cap on!!)
Similar thing happened to my DD - a trusted friend said that she would check at the party whether my suspicion was correct and confirmed that DD was one of only 2 girls in the whole class not to be invited - we never worked out what she had done to offend - DD is abnormally nice (however I am not, so could only assume it was something I'd done or said but we really had no idea what). I was so so hurt on her behalf and struggled not to show that I was holding back tears when friend confirmed my suspicion. We always had big parties and didn't exclude the girl in the hope that her parents would feel ashamed. Incidentally the mother is a Primary School teacher!!!

LuluJakey1 · 11/09/2018 14:50

I would text back and say 'Sorry, change of plan. DS won't be coming to the party. We have decided we are all going to xxxxxx that night. It's a special treat for us all. Hope the party goes well- you'll have your hands full.'

DorothyHarris · 11/09/2018 14:50

I wouldn't let him go what a shitty thing to do. Take him out somewhere better. Poor lad.

MumW · 11/09/2018 14:59

its like an evening party invite to a wedding...!!
No, it's not. It's more like an invite to the church but not to the reception.

Unfortunatelly I think that your DS is right, there is no real solution to this. The damage is already done.

Some parents are just thick.

billybagpuss · 11/09/2018 15:00

Big hugs to your DS, its horrid when that happens my DD was on the receiving end too.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/09/2018 15:08

Yes, that's really unkind!

In your situation I think I would entice your ds (and if possible a friend who isn't going to the party) to do a really good activity with you (theme park maybe?).

Then I would text the mum to say "Thanks for the invite, but we've decided to give it a miss as I think leaving part way through the party would make ds feel bad. I'm sure they can catch up another time!" or similar.

Then I would consider leaving her child out at the next party I held, but wouldn't actually do it as too mean.

UnicornSparkles1 · 11/09/2018 15:16

That's really shitty. I would steer well clear of the party. Claim you forgot you had plans. Leave it a few days so it doesn't look like a knee jerk reaction to the sleepover.

Talith · 11/09/2018 15:17

My son has been left out like this and it's heartbreaking but ultimately friendships change and the other kid might just prefer the other boys.

It's shitty to have tiered parties though, in my opinion.

cantgetadecentnewname · 11/09/2018 15:20

It’s a very shitty thing to do and yanbu.
Your poor lad but from your updates what brave and mature young man he is.
I’d let him go the party (I wouldn’t stay and hang out with her ) BUT I’d plan something awesome for him to do in the evening instead. I’d try to find out who the other left out kid isand take him too.

RedBallpointPens · 11/09/2018 15:26

I would tell the other mum the truth: as a fully grown adult I wouldn't accept an invitation to a friend's party where I was told to leave by a set time while others carry on partying so I won't be encouraging DS to do it.

I dislike evening only wedding invitations, but it is different - nobody is sent home halfway through the party!

Feb2018mumma · 11/09/2018 15:33

I might be catty but can you have sleepover for the other boys and make it amazing? Take them cinema and give them sweets! Must be upsetting for all boys as well as your son who were left out :(

notacooldad · 11/09/2018 15:36

We had something similar when Ds was about 10. However Ds was upset but unbeknown to me he went into class and braved it out.
He was full of chat such as ' hey don't mind me guys, I didn't make the final cut!!' Or if the kid asked for something he would be ' oh, I'm your number 1 bro now!' and laughed it off.
I can't remember the final outcome but 12 years later they are all still mates and go clubbing and on holiday together.
Sometimes parents try to do the right thing and it goes wrong.
You said he's been at a sleep over loads of times at this place befire. Maybe they thought let someone else stop for a change.
Yes it is shit but just style it out and teach your son to bounce from disapointment.

Allthewaves · 11/09/2018 15:36

I'd actually just send a text saying ds can't come. If she asked why I'd tell

cooldarkroom · 11/09/2018 15:41

Sorry this is happening, but IMHO this is life & a learning curve. Yes the mother could have handled it better, but it may well be that F used this to pay back for various parties/sleepovers that he had been invited to, & said your son goes often, & will continue to, so won't mind... or maybe they have moved apart ? this happens, maybe one or other of them have changed fiend group... it happens.

PawneeParksDept · 11/09/2018 15:43

I have not read the whole thread but a "friend" of mine did this to me when I was 14. @DileenODoubts

She'd invited everyone else that was round that evening to stay but me and the penny only dropped as my DM collected me

I didn't get out of bed the next day

She rang me about 4pm slightly panicky and trying to make sure I was still on side

I've never forgotten it and I wish I'd declined to take her call but I was worried I'd have no one to spend lunch with at school

Yes it's shitty and your son should boycott his shitty party and come up with an enviable excuse

YANBU OP