To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

[DileenODoubts]

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

great response and it's lovely that the other friend is bowing out too!

That’s unbelievably insensitive of her.

I don't think it will have repercussions. What might they be?

If I was op I would prefer for my dc NOT to hang out with families like this, so if he gets dropped, fantastic, he can spend some more time with genuinely nice people. Op's ds sounds like a lovely boy and will handle this with care and sensitivity. The embarrassment should be coming from the other side.

I sooo feel your pain, and mother is being a complete a...h!
As a single mum, on a very strict budget, I hosted a Halloween party, year, after year, after year, (well, at least five, which I think is really good going!) for my d.d.'s small group of friends, which included a sleepover and lots of silly fun and games which they all absolutely loved, and looked forward to year after year. Come the first year at secondary school, her "so-called" best friends mother decided to hold a really big bash for Halloween at their large home, the dad doing a B.B.Q. and all sorts.... Guess what? my daughter WASN'T even invited, and I can still feel her pain (and my own to be honest!). Posh mummy must have made some strange decisions about "single mums" as one other of my regulars was also a child of a single parent and she too was excluded. You never really know what people are like do you? I am so very sorry for your son, and I really feel that you should decline the invitation and do something different and fun for you lovely boy. What a total Bell End that thoughtless unkind mother is. Good luck. They don't deserve you and your son as "friends" !

So fucking awful. My dd was invited to a party only to find out that she was the only one not invited for the sleepover bit. So awful. Had I realised I would have said no.

FFS I can't understand how people think this sort of thing is ok.

I was clearly behind on the thread. Hope your son has a great weekend.

Your son could take this opportunity to change the dynamic of the group. He should hold his own night the date of the sleepover and tell the group anyone who was "dissed" by the invites or who doesn't want to go is welcome to go bowling/cinema/gokarts with him and BF instead.

You'd be surprised how many take up the offer and it may splinter the group so DS is left with the decent kids not the excluding wee wank who knew exactly what he was doing. It's always the nice kids who now out graciously. Let your DS steal the mean kids thunder!

I too agree with @TKRedLemonade suggested text. Having all but two to stay over isn't really fair on the kids being left out. I also like @Timeisslippingaway 's suggestion of picking the other child up for a sleepover at yours (if you did decide to let your child go to the party).

It’s a horrible situation. Why don’t you invite the other child to sleep at yours after you pick them up ? That way they won’t miss out on some fun.

This is awful
I would absolutely feel the same and I'd probably rather ds didn't go at all than feel awkward at being picked up early.
Can't you take ds somewhere special for the day ? Theme park or somewhere and text parents of b'day boy to say that you'd already made other arrangements.

Havaina I think my daughter felt she could be gracious because she had a much better time! When my aunt phoned her she was so glad that she wasn't going to the party because nothing could come close to a weekend with her "cousin".

Apologies if this has already been suggested, but I think it may be that your ds is a regular and therefore he gets special treatment on a sleepover. Parents probably thought it won't matter because your ds won't miss out on sleepovers.

Clearly they haven't thought it through bit maybe it's a sign that your ds is important not a sign of a failing friendship.

Maybe be upfront with the mother and ask her what the score is? It's a lousy way to find out your friendship dynamic has changed though.

This is a rotten thing for parents to do, so I don't blame you for declining the invitation. It's reminded me of my daughter's Leavers' Ball when she was 18. She was in a friendship group of 5 girls. One of the girls said her parents had invited the friends to get ready at their house and sleep over afterwards and the girls were all excited about this. At the last minute this friend said her parents said only 3 of the friends (plus their daughter obviously) could stay and my DC was dropped. I'll never forget her all dressed up, sobbing down the phone to her 'friend ' "but please, please". It's upsetting me even now.

This actually reflects really badly on this kid and the mum. I wonder why she permitted such a thing. They are all friends, surely every adult knows all for sleepover or none in this context.

The issue is it might be them and us with the boys.

The two boys with the reduced invites did the right thing refusing to go. How that mother could ever think it was ok to wave two of them off whilst the rest continue beats me.

Dancing what an awful, awful thing to do! Why are people so bloody thoughtless and rude?? That’s really upset me and I don’t even know the people involved 😡

Dancing for the Dog, that has really upset me. I try and be kind and don't usually wish ill on people but I hope all 4 of those girls got the squits and had a lousy time.

Yes, people don't appreciate the herd norm view of children. If most children were going home and just one or two were staying then the home-goers wouldn't mind, being the majority. But to be one of 2 left tout when 5 are staying is hurtful. The mum has been really insensitive and I think you can tell her your son is really hurt at being left out of the group. My son was the only one of his friends left off the school football team and felt humiliated and disappointed, but never gave the swim team a second thought because only two boys were chosen out of the class.

Last year when dd went into Y7, we could then invite Friend B who didn't get on with Friend A who had been to all previous parties. Friend B was often busy anyway. It made me realize that dd had been trying to ensure everyone got along. It could be that there's a child who clashes with your ds, and was getting left out of the sleepover part previously.

It’s astounding how thoughtless some people can be. I’m not religious but think the rule ‘do as you would be done by’ is a useful starting point i.e. treat other people’s kids as you’d want your own treated’ because that’s how we’re teaching our kids to behave.
Sounds like you’ve handled it really well OP and I hope your DS has a lovely day. We have this multiple times a year with our DD as she’s left out of friends birthdays (maybe due to having an allergy, but it’s easy to manage). Resilience is great, but as a kid you just want to know you’re good enough to be included. It’s great that your DS’s bf is standing up for him!

I would (if you can afford it, or know other parents that are happy to pay for their kids to go out) push the boat out and take a load of his other friends to somewhere like trampolining, then their favourite fast food place, then cinema, then huge sleepover with latest DVD/Game and make sure ds tells everyone about their planned day out.

Make sure to invite two of the friends from the boring house party too

Omg I am heartbroken for your son - not read all the posts but hope he’s ok. That’s so mean, I’d never let my kids do this. If they can’t all stay over she should have invited less kids and had them all over or not had any stay over. Shockingly bad form!

Sadly OP I don't think this is thoughtless , if it had been a thoughtless error they would have immediately been in touch once you contacted them and rectified and apologised the mistake. This is clearly, for some reason a deliberate and very spiteful snub.

I'm glad you have a loving thoughtful boy with some good loyal friends. The party boy and his family sound like shallow, selfish mannerless people .

I'm glad that his friend is supporting him, and also glad the other lower tier kid has declined.

The other mother is either an idiot or an arse. You'd need to have the brain capacity of a gnat not to understand that this could hurt someone, let alone someone their age. If only 2 stayed overnight and 5 went home that would be one thing, but sending 2 home - WTF?

Not surprising her child has form, as you say, for excluding with that sort of example. Really sorry your son has had to deal with this, but so glad that he is getting support over it.

I agree that getting his dad to plan a special evening doing something really ace together is the way forward. That way if any digs are made at school by the birthday boy, he had his own great evening to come back with. If they get along, and it wouldn't cause avoidable drama (depends how sensible the other child is - yours sounds very level headed) you could ask the other part-excluded boy along, too.

Hope he has a good weekend. Glad he has a nice bf.

when I was about that age, a girl at my school told me and a couple of other kids that we were 'reserves' for her sleepover in case her first choices dropped out. This stuff really smarts. I'm glad you've got a sort-of solution.