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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
Aspenfrost · 12/09/2018 15:42

No reply from the mum of the birthday boy. I hope she feels in disgrace.

MyKingdomForBrie · 12/09/2018 15:43

What an absolutely horrible thing to do. Sometimes when I'm awake bfing at 4am I have cold shivers at the thought of this stuff happening to my dc (yes I know totally over dramatic and I would never communicate it to them!) but the hurt kids can cause each other is just immense.

Aspenfrost · 12/09/2018 15:44

What an unspeakably nasty thing to do. Shame on them.

Aspenfrost · 12/09/2018 15:45

I hope she reads this.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2018 15:45

That is shitty, I would ask your ds whether he wanted to go to the party or not, leave it up to him. Maybe F is closer now to the others, than your ds (clutching at straws).

BigBlueBubble · 12/09/2018 15:46

Good for the BF. I’m glad that he and the other lower class friend have stood up for what’s right. Now all three boys can do something nice together.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2018 15:47

Just read your update, good on your DS, good on you for replying to the mum, that is awful thing to do. Maybe ds and this other friend can do something nice together. Very nasty to leave 2 boys out.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 12/09/2018 15:49

Your son sounds like the perfect, caring gentleman.

Directorofmishaps · 12/09/2018 15:49

I think you've done the right thing OP.
Big party out somewhere then one child going back for a sleep over has happened to us and that doesn't bother me.
A big group of boys all talking excitedly about what they are going to do at the sleepover. Getting sleeping bags and snacks ready while two go home is a bit mean.

Scatteredthoughtss · 12/09/2018 15:51

Good for you, perfect answer.

sweethope · 12/09/2018 15:55

I always give my grandkids a kiss and a hug in the playground when they come out.

sweethope · 12/09/2018 15:56

Ah wrong thread.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2018 15:57

Your ds first lesson on having pride, and valuing himself.

SummerGems · 12/09/2018 15:58

When I was about ten me and another girl in my street made friends with some kids who were holidaying there. One day we’d been playing all day and the mum came over to say that they were going to the beach and did my friend want to go with them. There was no invite for me. Sad.

However, when friend went to ask her mum if she could go her mum said no on account of the fact that only she and not both of us had been invited.

The thing that parents like this child’s mum seem to forget is that kids communicate with each other and it soon becomes very apparent what is going on.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2018 15:59

Do something nice with the other two kids, if the other is not going. The mum lied to you, that is bad, and says a lot about her, than you.

Directorofmishaps · 12/09/2018 16:05

In primary school one of the year 6 at her tiny village school had a whole school party. Hired out exclusive hire of a big venue, limos the lot.
My Dd who was year 3 at the time had had a fall out with hers months before after her dd had been mean. The Mother had been told about this.
When it came to the party dd was the only one of 36 children in the entire school who was excluded from the party...

powerwalk · 12/09/2018 16:16

Well done op. Keep us all updated!

So pleased your son's bf has come through for him. Why not arrange a fun weekend for the two (or three inc other boy) and forget all about the party now.

You definitely did the right thing, and it is good that your son can recognise shitty behaviour when he sees it and distances himself. Good life lesson.

This once happened to us, all the girls were going to a theme park and my dd was the only one not invited to the sleepover the night before. It was so hurtful. I still remember it now.

So yes it is awful for you and for your child, but you have done the right thing and given that mean mother something to think about.

She is probably thinking holy shit I have really screwed up.

Expect a text inviting your son, and the other boy and giving some excuse about a mess up in the plans. I would continue to decline or accept with grace but always be wary of a parent that behaves this way.

BewareOfDragons · 12/09/2018 16:21

You've done the right thing, OP.

The best case scenario is your friend was a thoughtless twit who will realize she's mucked up seriously and try to fix the situation.

The worst case scenario is your friend is an utter bitch who will blame 10 year old boys for over reacting ... when everyone knows what a tough age that is for boys and how doing something like this will cause some major issues at school and in friendships.

I'm sorry your son was treated so poorly by his 'friend' and his mum. I'm glad the other boy declined as well and I'm glad his BF appears to be speaking up for him; hopefully he'll decline as well.

People suck.

DisappearingGirl · 12/09/2018 16:51

Wow OP you and your son have handled this perfectly I think. Hope it all resolves itself but that it gives party mum something to think about

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 12/09/2018 16:53

A similar thing happened to my daughter - "friend" had been on about the sleep over for weeks, I'd bought her a present and daughter had new PJ's to wear. Then the "friend" came into school with the invites and told daughter she wasn't invited and tore up her invite in front of her.

She was so upset when she came in from school but I got straight on the phone to my aunt (discreetly) who phoned back immediately rang her saying that her foster daughter was allowed a sleepover and wanted daughter to come! A weekend with a glamorous older cousin being treated like a teenager (or at that's what she was allowed to think!) was much cooler than a night with her 8 yr old classmates.

A couple of weeks later the friend's mum phoned to arrange a playdate just for the two of them which was odd. She went but it was definitely the beginning of the end of their friendship.

kmckenna477 · 12/09/2018 17:28

I would def make an excuse and my son wouldn’t go. Take him out and treat him or invite another friend for him to go with . 😡

NoFucksImAQueen · 12/09/2018 17:32

great response op. I second going somewhere with bff and the other child

Sacredspace · 12/09/2018 17:35

Do you think that might embarrass OP’s son though? Or have other repercussions for him?

Sausagehead · 12/09/2018 17:36

Teach your child to let people pick you up and drop you at will? I dont think so! Surely at his party he wants his best friends? I'd plan a nice surprise for your son (with another friend or just family) and
send a lastminute text saying sorry you'd made a mistake and had a clash so your son wouldn't be attending. I hope my son would seek better friends.

Havaina · 12/09/2018 17:37

Ithink

A couple of weeks later the friend's mum phoned to arrange a playdate just for the two of them which was odd. She went but it was definitely the beginning of the end of their friendship.

Ithink - I don't think I would have allowed dd to go after the 'friend' tore the invitation up in front of your dd.

You and your dd sound very gracious and byygones be bygones.