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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect husband to pay half our expenses?

226 replies

namechangedforthis125 · 10/09/2018 23:04

DH is a great dad, does all the cooking, works full time. After an injury had to look for a desk job which pays something but as no qualifications, not enough (15k) - before injury about 25k.

Me - this year SAHM, previously marketing roles (30k+ per year). I have 3 properties rented out. They pay for themselves with a little left over, we rent ourselves. We have a prenup and properties are going straight to our DS via trust.

Nearest FT childcare is £1850 pm which basically stops me from working. He pays bills and that's it, I pay 2 days of childcare + rent (1450£) + car insurance (1k a year) + holidays. Out of MY personal savings.
He doesn't see the problem. AIBU to expect him to cover the cost of half the expenses?

My savings are quickly going down and I'm worried about what will happen where they are gone. He was paying only 2 bills I kicked off big time and he took 9 extra on (think small stuff like TV licence).

To clarify neither of us go out or have luxuries aside from holidays. We have agreed to relocate to a different city to lower the rent cost once our contract is over, but that still doesn't solve the issue of him
Not understanding that we should be going halfs.

Does it get easier once kids each 3 years old and have funded hours at nursery? AIBU to be annoyed? I would have loved to have another kid but can't see how it would work financially if the mentality doesn't change.

OP posts:
RedDwarves · 10/09/2018 23:08

Why are you renting when you already own three properties?

No logic to that.

namechangedforthis125 · 10/09/2018 23:08

Before anyone asks, we never had joint accounts as he had bad credit when we met and I couldn't risk it affecting mine, so we've always kept things separate. bad credit was due to debts incurred when separating from ex (and leaving cash for previous DS). I pay for all of DSS holidays with us as well.

OP posts:
namechangedforthis125 · 10/09/2018 23:11

@RedDwarves there is logic (although complicated). For a start they are BTLs which means mortgage doesn't allow me to live in them; secondly the little leftover went towards us living in a bigger place further out. My flats are smaller - 1-2 beds. We are in a 3 bed house w garden (us, DS, DSS - when over - and dog). We just wouldn't fit in one of them.

OP posts:
Johnnyfinland · 10/09/2018 23:11

If you have the higher earning potential wouldn’t it make more sense for him to be the SAHP? If he’s only earning £15k then does he physically have the money to pay more towards bills? Yes of course you shouldn’t be paying for everything, but if you can get a job paying double what he earns that seems like a no brained

Cat2lady · 10/09/2018 23:11

Agree with RedDwarves!

Plus childcare seems really expensive where you live, if you’re a SAHM why are you paying for 2 days of childcare?

Johnnyfinland · 10/09/2018 23:12

*brainer

SunnyCoco · 10/09/2018 23:15

Bit tricky as it doesn’t make much sense to me
Why do you need childcare if you are a sahm?
Why are you the sahp if your earning power is greater?
Why don’t you just pool your money?
Sorry!

underthewillow · 10/09/2018 23:15

How much are his bills? On a £15k salary I expect a large chick is being eaten into already. Have you actually sat down and worked out his take home pay and outgoings? Its impossible to say if you are being unreasonable as he could already be ‘pulling his weight’ financially. If you are eating into your savings then knock the childcare and holidays on the head...

underthewillow · 10/09/2018 23:16

*chunk

namechangedforthis125 · 10/09/2018 23:16

@Johnnyfinland I wouldn't mind being the one to work, the problem is from a social aspect. I'm sociable, he's very happy w himself & or DS alone. If I didn't push him to see people he wouldn't. Like he could go a year without calling anyone, and still wouldn't. My worry is that his socialness has gone backwards since leaving previous job, and if he was to stay at home he wouldn't ever see anyone at all, and that would reflect on us at some point.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 10/09/2018 23:18

Also confused about childcare .

arethereanyleftatall · 10/09/2018 23:18

I was struggling to follow the maths because none of it seems a sensible/normal approach, which is...

One pot of money for a family with children.
Highest earner is the wohp, other is the sahp.

If he hasn't got half to contribute, how can he contribute half? Does he have lots left over of his salary?

arethereanyleftatall · 10/09/2018 23:19

One pot doesn't need to be a joint account. Just an understanding that it doesn't matter which account money comes out of, it's all shared.

Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 23:21

You earn double what he earns. So he should pay in half what you pay, surely?

Howhot · 10/09/2018 23:21

I think you need to go back to work and he can be the SAHP. I don't understand your arguement regarding how social he is? Why does that matter? If you need the money I can't see how that is relevant

Starlight345 · 10/09/2018 23:22

Why are you paying for childcare.
If you are a sap surely income from properties should be put into the pot .

Paying for un needed childcare out of savings is crazy

Howhot · 10/09/2018 23:22

Singlenotsingle - OP doesn't work

Nothisispatrick · 10/09/2018 23:24

As pp already said if you can early double what he can, why on earth are you staying at home? It doesn’t make any sense. If you earn so much more DS could do several days at nursery to socialise with other children and your DP can be a hermit all he likes.

namechangedforthis125 · 10/09/2018 23:24

I can't knock holidays, not for any other reason but my entire family is abroad. So when I say holiday it's mean visiting family, with some exp

To expect husband to pay half our expenses?
OP posts:
namechangedforthis125 · 10/09/2018 23:25

*exceptions - sorry pressed send by mistake. Right here is our expenses. Me is A, him is B

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 10/09/2018 23:25

Wtf. All of this can be easily fixed.

You go to work.
Stop the childcare.
Your DP be the sahp.
Stop the holidays.
Downsize and make your DS and DSS share a room.

It's not rocket science.

Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 23:26

Yes, I misread that.

namechangedforthis125 · 10/09/2018 23:27

*DSS is only over every second weekend but is an aspie and it's important for him to have his own space. I'd happily move to a two bed, but that would leave him without his own room which would create further issues

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 10/09/2018 23:29

Ok, it's a bit clearer now.
What is your dh spending his remaining £10k on?
Why are you using a childminder if you're a sahp?

namechangedforthis125 · 10/09/2018 23:29

The two days of childcare are with a neighbour at a much reduced price. One of the days I manage any repairs needed in the properties (self manage them), the other day I clean / tidy / catch up on sleep etc

OP posts:
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