To expect husband to pay half our expenses?

[namechangedforthis125]

DH is a great dad, does all the cooking, works full time. After an injury had to look for a desk job which pays something but as no qualifications, not enough (15k) - before injury about 25k.

Me - this year SAHM, previously marketing roles (30k+ per year). I have 3 properties rented out. They pay for themselves with a little left over, we rent ourselves. We have a prenup and properties are going straight to our DS via trust.

Nearest FT childcare is £1850 pm which basically stops me from working. He pays bills and that's it, I pay 2 days of childcare + rent (1450£) + car insurance (1k a year) + holidays. Out of MY personal savings.
He doesn't see the problem. AIBU to expect him to cover the cost of half the expenses?

My savings are quickly going down and I'm worried about what will happen where they are gone. He was paying only 2 bills I kicked off big time and he took 9 extra on (think small stuff like TV licence).

To clarify neither of us go out or have luxuries aside from holidays. We have agreed to relocate to a different city to lower the rent cost once our contract is over, but that still doesn't solve the issue of him
Not understanding that we should be going halfs.

Does it get easier once kids each 3 years old and have funded hours at nursery? AIBU to be annoyed? I would have loved to have another kid but can't see how it would work financially if the mentality doesn't change.

Clearly you can't live off savings forever if they are reducing and you're worried about it.

I'd ditch at least one of your days of childcare and do housework when your child is in bed and the weekend.

I think you need to look at your money differently to really get to the bottom of it - all money is family money. What's the best thing for family

The 30 hours will probably help so I'd aim to go back to work then. I don't think you can force your husband to stay off work if he doesn't want to (if you are going to keep your money separate he would have nothing!) but financially it would make sense for you to work since your wage is double. Would a solution be for him to drop down to 3 days to look after your kid for 2 days and save on childcare costs? Or look after your child in the day but get an evening / weekend job?

There are lots of solutions but will depend on you both approaching this as a team

No, it’s not normal to spilt everything by halves regardless of anything else. It’s normal, or at least should be, to have one pot that everything goes into that everyone shares, and which recognises each partners different contributions. Making one partner pay half of everything when they earn much less is just wrong, you don’t seem to see your partner as a partner at all. I think leaving everything directly to your child is odd. I still don’t understand why you’re not working when you have much higher earning potential. I hear your concerns about your husband being less sociable, but does he really socialise much at work or is he just there working? I think it’s a bit of a cop out. You can’t afford the set up you have.

Your husband is probably feeling very low that he’s had to change to a less well paid job due to injury and can no longer provide as much for his family, you don’t seem understanding at all. You have all this property and sound very much in control, it doesn’t sound like you’re looking at your life from a team perspective at all. There’s what you have, and can leave directly to your son, and what he doesn’t earn and doesn’t have. You know marriage means sharing everything you have right?

I think you've got yourself in a bit of a pickle here, as my dear grandmother would say!
I presume you married for love, not financial support? You had a big income, he had a bigger one than he now has. You had a child. He had an accident which meant he had to take a lesser paying job. Now you want him to get a better paid job because you want him to give more money in to the household expenses. You have property and savings but he's not benefitting in any way from them because you say they are yours and will go to your son. A pre nup, btw, isn't legal in the UK, so he could actually contest this in a divorce.
You don't work, but still pay for childcare for a couple of days so you can do your own thing. Things that other full time workers would do at weekends! Your DH pays a large proportion of his salary into the pot, you want more.
Why are you not selling your properties now and buying your own?
Why are you treating your DH as an income stream?
I have always worked full time and earned double my DH income. We have joint bank and savings accounts into which both our salaries are paid. I also have a summer job marking exam papers that pays for our holidays. We each take a small amount of cash from our account weekly to spend on ourselves.
I would never think my DH should get a better earning job. It's his decision. Nor would I think he should pay me more money. He doesn't pay me anything! Yes, he has benefitted massively over the years from my income but I have benefitted so much from having a DH who works short hours so did much of the childcare pickups, housework and maintenance stuff when we were younger. Swings and roundabouts!
The most important thing is I value my DH for himself, not for the amount of money I can squeeze out of him.
You need to decide what you want in a husband. Because if you keep on at him in this way, you may not have him for much longer.

He needs a new job or you need to switch roles and you go back to work. Although what the hell kind of nursery are you looking at for 1850pcm?!?!

Look for a child minder! They are generally cheaper and more flexible. Mine charges £4.50 an hour so for 8 hours a day that's £40 a day. Even if you worked 5 days a week, every week that's still £800 - so £1050 cheaper than whatever nursery quoted you. Plus you wouldn't need to go back FT, just do 3 days a week maybe?

For £1850 id be expecting a full time nanny to come and do all my washing, all my cooking, all my chores, look after DS, chauffeur me around everywhere like Miss Daisy, be my hairdresser and make up artist, hand press my juice, welcome me home with a G&T at night, massage my feet after dinner, then tuck me into a bed with a duvet she's hand woven from the finest Arabian silk her money could buy.

Two - tailed - I think you've got that completely wrong. The OP is funding herself to stay at home from her savings. So here we have someone who did have a well paid job, who has saved to enable them to stay at home with their baby and who is now being told they should go back to work so they can fund their other half's day to day living expenses while they stay happily in their low paid job.

I don't buy the "Husband probably feeling low that can't bring in as much since his accident......". There is no indication in OP's post hat he is looking for a better paid job or willing to retrain (despite OP saying that she would pay for this!). Soontobe60 - it's lovely for your DH that he has you to support him financially and that might work for you but I still don't think it's unreasonable to expect a grownup to be able to make a proper financial contribution to the household. maybe not equal but if you've chosen to have a family you just don't have the luxury of choosing to stay in a very low paid job if you could earn a bit more.

MarieMorgan I think the fact he’s not looking indicates he’s feeling low. It can really damage your self esteem, being injured and having to change jobs. Then feeling like you’re not good enough can easily follow, making you not not feel confident enough to look for a better job. It happens. I’m not saying he should give up forever, but might need some support to build back up. Especially if he had no qualifications so he’s literally starting at the bottom.

You work out the cost of all your household bills.
Divide that amount by 2
Both of you pay that amount into a shared “bills” account
You then both keep what you have left in your own accounts

Or if one person has very little left, you could do 60/40 or some other arrangement but household bills should be shared.

There's not always better paying jobs lying around. He might not be sure what he'd want to retrain in which would ultimately be a waste of money. He could be depressed. Gosh, I know If I'd had an injury that cut my earning potential in half or more, and then my wife was now treating me with contempt because my new lowly wage wasn't enough for her, I'd be feeling a bit down.
Me, DH and DS live off £1300 a month. It is hard, but we cut our cloth accordingly. We used to earn £3000 a month between us about 5 years ago, but starting getting our expenses lower over time as we wanted kids and I wanted to be a SAHM. We moved for cheaper rent, we shopped around for tv packages, car insurance etc. DH pays for everything, I don't bring in a penny, we don't have joint account he just sends me money for whatever we need. We discuss most purchases together as a couple because we really don't have much spare at the end of the month.
I agree with PPs that paying for childcare while you're a SAHP is ridiculous if you can't really afford it.
You either need to look at reducing your expenses now, not some vague time in the future.
If he doesn't have the money be can't give it you, he is working full time. He must be feeling shit to have such a drop in income and losing his chosen profession, maybe that's why hes lost his passion for work. He's not just doing part time hours, and he pulls his weight round the house.
I feel bad for your DH too tbh.
It does sound like you don't see yourself as a team of partnership, which ultimately is what marriage is all about, right? Supporting each other through the good and bad, for richer for poorer?

If you have the higher earning potential wouldn’t it make more sense for him to be the SAHP?

This. It’s a no-brainier.

And your DH can start to study for qualifications at the same time. Plenty of women do that.

He sounds a bit hopeless, tbh.

A day a week to go to sleep and tidy up.
Mate.

@MarieMorgan basically everything you said is accurate. I don't expect DH to pay anything for me aside from half bills / rent. I worked super hard and saved up enough to enable me to do this one year off.

• I am not planning on being a SAHP long term, it's only meant for a year and I have enough to cover the expense of it
• when DH did have a higher income I still paid for 90-95% of expenses
• when we lived rent free and had just bills to pay for, it was taken for granted that I would cover them. when I asked for something towards it I'd be met with huff and puff

The amount DH now pays towards expenses has taken years for me to get him to agree to.

• current two days of childcare started because I burnt out previously trying to support the lot of us. The pressure has been immense. First year and a half I barely saw my DS as was always working, which is why I took this limited time off now before jumping back into it again.

our set up is in the process of changing with two of the properties going on the market shortly. I've had to wait to have enough saved as need to factor in voids for the duration of the sale. Once sold we will be looking to buy our own place and mortgage should be considerably lower than current rent.

I am Putting two up for sale to buy one for us to live in, keeping one.

Good, that's a start. At a stroke you'll be at least £1k a month better off overall.

It seems to me that the problem isn't just your DP's low earnings following his accident, but the fact that you are living beyond your means as a family and having to subsidise your lifestyle from your savings.

There are only 2 things you can do about that: increase income or reduce outgoings (or both). Paying out for childcare when one of you isn't working seems crazy to me. You won't need a day for property management when you only have one property to manage and a day a week to catch up on sleep is an unaffordable luxury (albeit one we'd all love).

You should both be playing to your strengths. You have the greater earning potential, use it! DH is a great dad, cooks etc, but doesn't have your earning potential. It makes perfect sense on every level for him to be the SAHP,. That will effectively double the family income if you can earn £30k, and reduce outgoings, so is a win-win.

Things like illness or injury will often affect a family's finances, and both parties in a relationship have to make adjustments when that happens. You can't expect to have the same lifestyle when one you has reduced earning potential unless the other increases their income to compensate.

The pair of you are a team, you need to work out a joint strategy. You can't expect someone to pay half the bills when their full-time earnings don't cover it, especially when you yourself are a SAHM with childcare 2 days a week.

I've never heard the term aspie. To me it seems belittling but I do not have Aspergers so if it's a generally accepted term I stand corrected.

Not to derail but it’s an odd one. I have said it and had someone absolutely crack it but one of my kids (young adult) has Aspergers and has always referred to themselves as an Aspie as do their friends who also have Aspergers. They consider anyone dictating it as a term not to be used is belittling them by removing their choice to be called Aspies which is their preferred term. So no one can ever win with these things, don’t even try and get it right!

OP, I just don’t understand, even with all you have written, why you can’t work and DH stay home. No childcare cost. Your total household income would appear to be double what it is now in that scenario. No dipping into your savings. He would be contributing to the household by taking care of the childcare aspect. Even if he would prefer to work, if it doesn’t stack up $$ wise he may have to accept not doing so until your child is in school. It’s like throwing obstacles up where there are none and you lost me at the inference that your DH’s lack of interest in socialising will basically make the earth implode.

I am selling two of them come January to fund the house we are buying in the other city when we move next year - we will have a mortgage but at least won't b paying rent anymore, so will be overall much less.

Not sure I'd buy a house with him. He seems very passive and happy to continue to work in a job earning very little because he thinks you have the family sorted.

He thought the rent you get on your properties would pay the rent on the house you live in.

He lived rent free in your rental property with you and lets you pay an extra £400 a month for a house so that his DS can have his own room when he comes over for the weekend.

All of this might be fine if he had the mindset that he needs to find a better paying job to help fund the rent, holidays etc. But he doesn't. He sounds a bit of a cocklodger actually.

You say he does the cooking, but who does all the other houseworking? And by cooking, do you mean meals cooked from scratch or meals from a jar of sauce, fish fingers, etc?

And does he have more disposable income than you each month? That's not fair.

Not sure I'd let him be SAHP because if you split, and in the event of divorce, he will be the resident parent and entitled to half your house at least.

I would worry if DH stayed at home and OP went back to work her resentment for him would get worse as she already thinks him not paying half is terrible and is putting a strain on their relationship.
How would she feel if he effectively wasn't technically paying anything as a SAHP?

@Havaina this is one of the reasons I held off on buying something for us to live in until now; but now feel that I've reached the limit and for the practicality of reducing monthly costs it would just make sense to have a mortgage.

If you want total fairness and equity, regardless of what each of you earns, both have personal accounts and set up one joint account. All income goes into joint account. All joint expenditure also goes from that account, pay both you and Dh equal monthly pocket money into personal accounts.
Has worked for me for 20 years :)

It all sounds utterly bonkers to me. Especially the childcare.

However, to your main point, yes your DH should be contributing towards household bills and expenses and although it's reasonable to have some negotiation about how much you each contribute, it's not reasonable for him to do so resentfully and begrudgingly. His money is not 'his' and yours is not 'yours'. You are a family and you both need to accept that has financial implications.

You do need an account where you both contribute and all bills are paid out of it. Your DH needs to contribute the same percentage of his wage as you.

You are just living beyond your means.

Paying for 2 days of childcare when you are a SAHP and living of savings is, to quote the kids, cra-cra.

Personally I would get back to work and make sure you're independently financially sorted.

Your DH doesn't sound like he is up to much. Not up to working. Not up to childcare. Never really paid his way. Wants you to pay loads of money out of your savings so his son can have his own room for 4 nights a month...

Surely all wages or income gets pooled into one account, bills are paid then the remainder is split?

We don't even split the remainder 50/50 it's just a joint fund for living

This setup seems ridiculous.

You should go back to work FT. Then tbh he would probably be better off going PT, since you and him both want him to be able to work but he's not going to cover much more than the costs of working, if even that. Because of tax and NI, his 5th day isn't going to be adding a great deal to the coffers particularly compared to what childcare would cost (yes I know joint expense but when looking at finances people often need to compare it against the salary of the lower earner). If he did 3 days a week he'd be on 9k and bring virtually all of that home, whereas on his 5th day he's paying income tax at 20% plus NI. You could also use vouchers/tax free childcare towards the costs.

Why have children if you can't afford them, likewise a dog and holidays are not are not a human right! Funded childcare is term time only, remember. Surely a married couple pool their finances and if there is anything left over after bills then each can have some spending money. You say your children will inherit 3 houses, you need to make your investments work better for the family now so you are in a mortgage free property yourselves asap. That makes more sense and there will still be an inheritance for them..

They can afford a child, with that earning potential. They just... aren't.

OP is there really no way you could move to one of the 2 beds you own, and either DS come in with you when DSS stays or, if DSS couldn't take being in a bedroom that DS usually sleeps in, you and DH go in the living room?