To expect husband to pay half our expenses?

[namechangedforthis125]

DH is a great dad, does all the cooking, works full time. After an injury had to look for a desk job which pays something but as no qualifications, not enough (15k) - before injury about 25k.

Me - this year SAHM, previously marketing roles (30k+ per year). I have 3 properties rented out. They pay for themselves with a little left over, we rent ourselves. We have a prenup and properties are going straight to our DS via trust.

Nearest FT childcare is £1850 pm which basically stops me from working. He pays bills and that's it, I pay 2 days of childcare + rent (1450£) + car insurance (1k a year) + holidays. Out of MY personal savings.
He doesn't see the problem. AIBU to expect him to cover the cost of half the expenses?

My savings are quickly going down and I'm worried about what will happen where they are gone. He was paying only 2 bills I kicked off big time and he took 9 extra on (think small stuff like TV licence).

To clarify neither of us go out or have luxuries aside from holidays. We have agreed to relocate to a different city to lower the rent cost once our contract is over, but that still doesn't solve the issue of him
Not understanding that we should be going halfs.

Does it get easier once kids each 3 years old and have funded hours at nursery? AIBU to be annoyed? I would have loved to have another kid but can't see how it would work financially if the mentality doesn't change.

That sounds like a good plan.

Splitting bills equally really isn't fair if there is a big disparity of income. There are two reasonable (IMO) ways of doing it:

• money is pooled (not necessarily in a joint account), all essential spending covered, then both partners get equal "fun stuff" money.
• each partner pays in proportionately to their income and all essential spending paid, leaving each partner with slightly more or less due to their earning differential.

I think option A is far better.

Either way, though, both partners have to agree what counts as essential spending. I'd say CM for DSS does, as do travel expenses for work. Childcare while you are working does of course, but not while SAH.

Your spreadsheet really doesn't work tho - the total for person B seems far lower than I calculate it to be. A proper statement of affairs gives a much clearer indication of your financial position.

Then what are you complaining about? If he doesn't have the income to cover more of the core bills, then he just doesn't have it. Live within your (joint) means or cover the shortfall yourself. I'm sure having to cut back is unpleasant, but he hardly got injured on purpose, did he?

Insurance, bills and childcare are
£2450 in total
£160 ish on travel for Dh
£450 ish on food
£150 for SS
£400 on bills

So 3610 total minutes holidays and savings.

After tax and NI he brings home less than a grand. Even if you take say 450 off for childcare your total is 3160. If he gives you every penny he earns he still is over £600 away from his half.

In fact he's paying out £1100 which is now than he earns so I'd be worried where the extra is coming from

@SleepingStandingUp he's paying £641 a month now. Some of the expenses are annual and some monthly, so if you divide the annual into 12 months then he's got £641 a month, though I get the gist as in he's not left w much.

TBH, your posts sound like the financial stuff is getting on top of you. It is incredibly stressful - especially if you are used to being comfortable. But (as a household) you've had a 40k drop in income - 10k from his injury and 30k from your job. That is a lot and you do need to get it sorted. Blaming your DH for simply not earning enough is not fair though - you'll end up resenting each other.

Going back to work and reorganising living arrangements is a good start.

@RedBallpointPens think you've hit the nail on the head. Makes sense and you are right. Thank you

Well he's got money left to spend everyone month and technically you're in your savings so I'd say he needs to pay more then but he clearly can't afford half without a huge lifestyle change.

When did our change to him not paying half?

No worries. I had financial problems in the past and so get how stressful it can be. The moneysavingexpert website is ridiculously helpful when getting your head around household spending.

@SleepingStandingUp couple of years ago when we moved out of the rent-free flat. He insisted on moving out due to SS needing a room, which was fine by me. Think he assumed the flat would pay for our own rent, but that didn't happen for various reasons. we moved into a more expensive (bigger place) and I remortgaged the initial to buy another.

@RedBallpointPens the money saving expert site is a godsend. I do read quite a lot on there, it really is helpful.

Have you been stupid brave enough to post an SoA on the debt free wannabe board? That is certainly a sobering experience!

He does all the cooking and works full time. Probably exhausted

Sorry OP I scrambled the numbers.

So you pay about £1533 and he pays £641. He should def be paying more. Once you return to work I'd say the current split gives you both equal spending money

I have read all the posts and cannot see why OP is not working. It is clear that DH cannot afford to support a stay at home wife. Childcare costs are indeed extortionate for young people. But surely there are jobs involving evening work at a supermarket, or in a care home, which would negate the need for paid childcare. It isn't great, but it would pay the bills.

No SAHP needs to pay for childcare, that is surely part of the deal, when one person agrees to stay at home.

My DSis moaned for years that she HAD to be a SAHP, but was only prepared to consider comfy office jobs. There was a massive Tesco and numerous care homes locally where she could have worked after her DH came home in the evening, with no childcare bills involved.

The best bit was that DSis's daughter worked in a local care home during a gap year while she saved money for uni.

Summer exactly. That's what I did when our DC were little...I worked in the bar of the local golf club three nights a week whilst DH worked during the day, 5 days full time.

I wouldn't have earned enough to go back full-time but DH couldn't support me entirely. It was fun...it was a nice time that I remember fondly. Working got me out and about a bit.

What a bizarre set-up...

Give up the childcare. You can do your two days of things on the weekend and he can have the dc's. It's free. Not ideal maybe, but that's life.

In fact, go back to work and let him be the SAHP. It doesn't matter if he becomes less sociable, being a SAHP can be very unsociable, he might like it.

It's simple. You can't afford the life you lead so you can't have everything.

The issue here is you paying for childcare when you’re a SAHM - that’s a luxury you don’t have the budget for, which is why it’s depleting your savings. Many people manage cleaning and landlord responsibilities with kids in tow or in the evenings and at weekends.

If you want to be a SAHM (despite your higher earning potential) and the luxury of a couple of days a week of childcare, I don’t think you can also ask your DH to pay for half of the childcare that you don’t really need and which is a luxury for your benefit.

I'm actually a bit indignant here on the behalf of the OP's Dh. She says he's a great DH and despite working (something the OP does not do) he does his fair share. I mean what does the OP want? Blood

If the OP was a man who didn't want to work, despite having the higher earning potential and wanted his lower earning wife to pay half the bills while he pottered about, the words cocklodger, LTB, and financial abuse would have been posted several times by now.

OP, in your situation, it makes far more sense for you to work full time and your DH to be mainly a SAHP. Paying for childcare and that high rent on a £45k income is always going to be a struggle. It also sounds like it is better for you to be in the workplace for career continuation. Step away from a £30k job that presumably requires qualifications and recent experience and it's harder to get back into than a minimum wage job.

Is he able to do any of the management/maintenance on your rental properties? Can he get a part time job if he doesn't want to not work at all?

In a marriage, or long term partnership, it's much fairer to share finances so you both end up with equal personal spending money.

Going halfs when you earn different amounts isn't fair because the lower earner will end up with no money or their own, or might not even be able to afford their half.

I think either get divorced or share everything.
Sell the stupid flats, buy yourselves a family home and maybe give yourselves a cushion until you decide you want to work. You have no respect for your husband and I don't know how he can stand to stay with someone who, very obviously, thinks so little of him. Why did you marry him?

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. Essentially she is saying that her DH is quite happy to have his wife support his living expenses and he doesn't want to look for a better paid job. So both now (from her savings) and in future ( from her better income when she returns to work) the OP has got to factor in financially supporting her DH as well as her DS. Why should the OP fund her DH'S decision to stay in a low paid job. There was a similar thread recently where a woman was flamed for wanting to do the same thing. She had a very low paid job that she loved and essentially was expecting her DH to continue to bring in the higher salary that enabled them to pay the mortgage. I agree completely with the OP. He should retrain and get a better paid job which enables him to make a proper contribution to the household budget.

This whole setup is weird. Prenups are not legally enforceable in the UK. I can't understand why you don't work, given your situation in its entirety. Your attitude to money is weird. I'd like to know what your husband thinks.

This is so weird.

OP I do understand where you are coming from as my d'h earns less than I do and constantly complains about his job he's even off sick from it now.... yet won't look for anything else, nor does he cook or help round the house without me screaming.

I don't understand however your need to be at home? it also doesn't make sense for you to spend that money on unnecessary childcare.
if you need a day a week on maintenance for 3 properties then sell them as they are wrecks.

But OP isn’t working! And despite that she wants luxuries like childcare to allow her to catch up on sleep, which she expects her DH to pay half of.