To expect husband to pay half our expenses?

[namechangedforthis125]

DH is a great dad, does all the cooking, works full time. After an injury had to look for a desk job which pays something but as no qualifications, not enough (15k) - before injury about 25k.

Me - this year SAHM, previously marketing roles (30k+ per year). I have 3 properties rented out. They pay for themselves with a little left over, we rent ourselves. We have a prenup and properties are going straight to our DS via trust.

Nearest FT childcare is £1850 pm which basically stops me from working. He pays bills and that's it, I pay 2 days of childcare + rent (1450£) + car insurance (1k a year) + holidays. Out of MY personal savings.
He doesn't see the problem. AIBU to expect him to cover the cost of half the expenses?

My savings are quickly going down and I'm worried about what will happen where they are gone. He was paying only 2 bills I kicked off big time and he took 9 extra on (think small stuff like TV licence).

To clarify neither of us go out or have luxuries aside from holidays. We have agreed to relocate to a different city to lower the rent cost once our contract is over, but that still doesn't solve the issue of him
Not understanding that we should be going halfs.

Does it get easier once kids each 3 years old and have funded hours at nursery? AIBU to be annoyed? I would have loved to have another kid but can't see how it would work financially if the mentality doesn't change.

Do you shop around when it comes to bills? As an example car insurance is very high, even presuming that's two vehicles?

What's an aspie? Please tell me it doesn't mean what I think it means.

Surely you don't need one day every week for repairs? Can't things like that be done when your DH is not st work?

2 days of childcare on your combined family budget is a luxury it doesn't look like you can afford.
But, yes, it does look like he should be contributing more. Where is his remaining money going?

So you don't work outside the home. Your DH earns a low wage because of an injury and you have three properties rented out for not much profit. Seems a strange sort of set up to me. I think under the circumstances you need to get a job and your DH can be the SAHP for the time being. And why are you paying for childcare when you are a SAHM. None of this makes a lot of sense.

the other day I clean / tidy / catch up on sleep etc

Oh for the luxury of a day a week to do this without a child in tow.

He is on almost minimum wage and you have a portfolio of properties which he does not stand to gain from in any way because of prenup so no I don't think he should be contributing to childcare costs when you don't have a job.

Sorry I missed your post where you say on the childcare days you do jobs connected with the rented property and other catch up stuff. I think you will need to do this at weekends or in the evenings.

@arethereanyleftatall he spends

£160 ish on travel,
£300 ish on food for all of us (although I top that up by £150),
£150 for SS
£400 on bills (as per spreadsheet)

but If say we are on holiday he doesn't get paid as it's a 0 h contract, so the amount can go down if we go away.

I know he doesn't have much to play with, but I'd be looking for another job that gives extra - frustrates me that he doesn't see why he should / I've offered to pay him any training that can get a higher pay.
Generally The idea is I'm only a SAHM until we get the funded hours at nursery which is in 8 months.

From his perspective, his could be an awful tale to tell op. Not that we have all the details, but it could be.

@garethsouthgatesmrs it's not the childcare cost that bothers me but the lack of understanding that basic things like rent should be shared?

This has to be a joke. You think he should look for a second job while you have a day a week to relax with your feet up and a day a week to manage 3 small properties and that the income from the second job should be used to help pay for the childcare you need to continue to have those two days!?

Ok the solution is for you to work full time, your dh to be a full time sahp and to stop the childcare. Why would that not work for you?

You clearly can't afford a 'day to sort out the house, catch up on sleep'! That is a luxury that you don't need.

Your set up is guaranteed to cause resentment, you actually sound like you believe you are superior to your husbsnd and you don't really like him very much.

Your excuses for needing childcare and having to be the sahp are just that, excuses. If you have the greater earning potential then you should be working whilst DH stays at home.

A prenup isn't legally binding in the UK, so if you are here that won't protect you. You can refer to 'personal savings' all you like, but as you are married they aren't just yours.

Frankly, I've never seen such a MINE, MINE, MINE post from a married poster. It's a little distasteful tbh.

the lack of understanding that basic things like rent should be shared?

But lots of couples don't work like that. In our family DH and I share our money completely so it wouldn't matter who earned what, as a family we have X and we manage it together. That doesn't mean we don't have separate accounts just that we look at what's left after everything has been paid for and share it in the fairest way possible.

@garethsouthgatesmrs never said anything about a second job. He's Bright and could do so much better than what he does. If it's training I'll pay for it.

Let me rephrase it's the once I go back to work I'm wondering about, not so much now. I can cover myself and our DS, I don't mind that. It's a third person I can't fully cover for. I'm his wife, not his mother. Is this unreasonable?

It's the lack of ambition that bothers me, not the situation he's in. He could sweep the streets for all I care but if it was me I'd aim to be the best street sweater there is. Whilst in this case he's happy to just be any average sweeper, if that makes sense

Yanbu. How are you managing to pay £18k of bills as a sahm (this is excluding childcare right) whilst your dh is only contributing under £4k of his £15k income? What is your annual income. Also to the pp who is questioning the use of aspie, its perfectly bloody acceptable term to some of us.

I am more than happy to be the one working but he prefers to be the one or one of both that works. He doesn't want to stay home, he would agree to it if I pressured him into it, but is it right?

So that's all his money gone then?
How can he contribute to anything else?

I was initially going off the £4000 total annual spend for him on your own spreadsheet, which I though was the sum of the other cells, but on closer look, it wasn't.

So, now, yes I do think you should pay all the childcare. It's essentially your luxury. For houses he gets nothing from. And for things other sahps do with a child, or multiple children, in tow.

Well, it's crazy to carry on in your current situation. He can't expect you to pay for everyday living from your savings, but there seem to be lots of things you need to sit down and discuss together. The first thing you should do is stop paying for 2 days of childcare. You don't really need it. You will have to do housework around your child and also take him with you when you manage the properties.

Secondly, look around for cheaper childcare so you can go back to work. Does it have to be the nearest place? Look on the register for childminders. That's an unusually high sum you've been quoted. Yes, it will reduce quite a lot if you get free hours (not every place offers 30 free hours, you'll have to look into it, but at least 15 free hours would help a lot and you would be better off in work.

Failing that, it would make much more sense for your DH to stay at home. If he's happy not socialising much, it doesn't really matter surely? If it's your DS you're worried about, he will be socialising at pre-school and school by the age of 3 onwards. It would be worth you getting back into work surely so that you can keep your career going, which might be more difficult if you take several years out.

As for another child, in your current situation, I don't see how you could afford it.

Ok I saw "another job" as an additional job. Why did you marry him if you are so different in outlook? I can't get my head around your finances but you describe a situation where you are able to be a sahm and still afford the luxury of 2 days child free a week. Is your objection about his lack of ambition?

I am sure you have posted about this exact same issue before?

@crimsonlake never posted before

I've never heard the term aspie. To me it seems belittling but I do not have Aspergers so if it's a generally accepted term I stand corrected.

How did you come to this agreement originally? That's what I don't get. How did you split bills before DS and marriage? Why didn't you argue for equality then??

Tbh he's on minimum wage and you don't work. I'd say you need to kick the childcare and sort properties on a weekend. If there's that much repairs etc to be done that it requires a full day every week then use the savings from childcare to do them up better.
You are a low income household, a day off from your one child to sleep and rest is a luxury you cannot afford.

I'd say any profit from the properties is split in half. Half to a repair fund and half towards your rent.

I agree with you that after that it needs to be split.

Are you claiming working and fancy tax credits? Housing benefit might be an issue I guess as you own property? Child benefit? Who gets that.

Any tax credits in this house cover my half of the bills as I don't work and DH covers just over half of the total bill Inc food.

Once you're working it should be proportional so if you earn 30k you pay 2/3

Are you going back full time? You'll still pay for childcare as free hours aren't enough.

Before anyone else has a go please let me say that Aspie is in no means meant in a bad way. I have read loads of posts about aspies on here and assumed that's a mumsnet saying such as DH, DW, DSD etc I love him to bits