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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found out DH has cheated on a test

176 replies

hrocia · 10/09/2018 13:45

Had to NC for this as DH knows my username.

Recently DH invested in some kind of online certificate to develop his professional skills in a certain field, this cost us £950. Was fine with this as it was obviously needed.

We share the same e-mail address and a few days ago an e-mail ticked in, saying that the answers for his exam were ready. Turns out he's paid a fair amount of money to get the exam results e-mailed to him. He doesn't know that I know he's cheated as I marked the e-mail as unread and he deleted it shortly after.

He's now pretending that he passed the exam without any issues and I can't decide if I am more disappointed that he cheated or the fact that he wasn't going to tell me. Do I let him know that I know or should I just let it go?

OP posts:

Leapfrog44 · 11/09/2018 19:09

Speak to him. Ask him with an open mind why he didn't tell you, and be prepared to forgive if you're satisfied with his answer

VladmirsPoutine · 11/09/2018 19:16

What about the others who were also coming to the end of a long and stressful course in which they'd done well, but were also one step away from a mental breakdown?

Unfortunately for them, they weren't my sister

And if I have "deprived" her of anything she certainly hasn't complained once since. Seems she's living just fine, and sleeping very well at night by all accounts.

As you say, some find the resources deep down inside and push on to succeed. Whilst others crash and burn out; perhaps take some time out and have another crack at it... or just sink into a dark hole for a long time; or choose to do all manner of different things. No-one can know definitively what the outcome would have been.

All I did was recognise my sister was about to drop a very important ball and I caught it for her. Would I do it again? Without a single, minuscule, shadow of a doubt.

VladmirsPoutine · 11/09/2018 19:18

But back to the OP - whilst I think you're somewhat over-reacting, the issue for me would be more that he didn't tell you rather than the act itself. Just talk to him about it. Perhaps he was embarrassed to seem like a 'failure' in your eyes in this regard.

5SecondsFromWilding · 11/09/2018 19:18

Vladimir that's a fuck of a lot of ground work before you even get started doing the writing. I'm guessing you're in a field that gave you the background information needed to write her dissertation to a good standard? I know I wouldn't have been able to write my brother's dissertation and he wouldn't have the first clue where to start with the one in the field I'm studying.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 11/09/2018 19:26

I’m not sure there’s anything to worry about here, but on the off chance, why don’t you check the trash to see if the email is still there then move it back into your in box. Then you can ask him about it instead of all the second guessing. .

VladmirsPoutine · 11/09/2018 19:30

Very similar fields 5seconds; as if I had done EU political science and she was doing world history with a focus on the EU, for example. This is a critical point you make actually because had she been doing Physics or that sort of thing, I couldn't have been of much use. That's why I felt it was even more important that I stepped in - because I knew I had the capacity to do it.

PreseaCombatir · 11/09/2018 19:41

Your a lovely sister Vlad, I’m quite happy with my morals, but threads like this make me feel my moral compass is on the blacker side of grey.....

Haireverywhere · 11/09/2018 19:47

If you are sure he cheated then I guess consider this a gift - you now know he can lie to your face. What do you want to do about it? I think it depends on the outcome you want. If you just want to be open about things in your relationship then bring it up. If you want to address his lying that too. I imagine he is embarrassed but I don't think it's great that he couldn't just say he failed and re-sit.

RomanyRoots · 11/09/2018 19:47

Bloody cheat, I'd have to have it out with him as I can't abide cheats.
Tbh, I'd probably report him, honestly.

Treat him like a kid who cheated in an exam, as he's no adult role model is he? Tell him you aren't angry, just disappointed he isn't the man you thought.

Esspee · 11/09/2018 19:48

You share the same email address?

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 11/09/2018 20:06

How much did he need to pass the qualification? I could understand if it was desperate and he was really struggling.

When I nearly had a uni induced nervous breakdown my mum offered to buy me essays for post grad. I wouldn't let her because I was too worried I'd be caught, but I appreciated the offer! I sure as hell don't regret finding the interview script online for the first job I ever got. I needed that job so badly, I practiced & practiced.

OnASwissRoll · 11/09/2018 20:34

"Tbh, I'd probably report him, honestly."

Really?! You'd grass on your own DH? Wow. Where I come from that's far more amoral than cheating on a test.

Christ almighty, grassing up your own husband

sanssherif · 11/09/2018 20:36

^fuck most mothers on mn would grass their kids to the police for nicking a mars bar so it shouldnt be a surprise

sanssherif · 11/09/2018 20:37

Grassing on your husband also immoral in my culture. Went thru 12 years of DV so not necessarily a good thing

OnASwissRoll · 11/09/2018 20:43

DV is clearly very different and I would encourage anyone in a situation as criminal and serious as that to obviously report....having been in such a situation myself.

But it's incomparable to reporting your OH for cheating on a test. I may disapprove, row about it maybe, tell him I'm disappointed. But I couldn't report him!

AnnieAnoniMoose · 11/09/2018 21:33

I hope the OP comes back.

Vladmirs I really don’t think what you did was right, I think that you could have helped & supported her without actually doing it. In your sisters position I’d have been very grateful at the time, but SO disappointed in myself for allowing you to do it. Maybe your sisters would feel ungrateful telling you that. However, one thing is for sure, she knows you’ve ‘got her back’ in life and that’s invaluable.

1MorePiece · 11/09/2018 21:33

BeckyBec It’s a shared email address and OP’s husband deleted the email

AnnieAnoniMoose · 11/09/2018 21:49

If it was my DH I’d ask what the emails were all about and if he cheated on the exam we’d be having the mother of all rows about him lying to me about it, that could well be a deal breaker. I was cheated on in the past and anything that makes me feel I can’t trust someone is a big deal to me.

The cheating would depend on what it was. Box ticking to get a ‘stupid online bit of paper’ for a job he already does competently I wouldn’t really have an issue because some of them are so bloody ridiculous (I have to do one myself, it bears NO resemblance to my actual job. It takes a lot of time, effort & money just to get a bit of paper to keep up my qualification - and it’s no bloody use, other than the technicality of the requirement. I do it myself because that’s just me, but I wouldn’t care if someone else paid to not have to do it themselves.) but something that is teaching or testing an actual required skill of the job, I’d be far less than impressed.

What I couldn’t stand, would be my DH telling me how well HE had done, when in fact he’d cheated and lied about it. No way.

sallyfox · 11/09/2018 23:56

I'd become warier of my partner

boydoggies · 12/09/2018 00:29

Vlads, you're a good sister. Well done for helping baby sis in her hour of need.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 12/09/2018 07:53

The exam thing is just weird. But not as weird as sharing an email address - I mean, my parents did, but they were born in the 1920s

BlackberryandNettle · 12/09/2018 09:48

If the email said the results of the exam were back, could it just be that he has registered to find out the results electronically? I don't see how getting your exam results is cheating. Has he taken the exam already??

Batteriesallgone · 12/09/2018 10:38

Surely the best way to help a vulnerable baby sister is to assist her in identifying her issues and advocating for extensions / extra time.

Otherwise you are seeing someone in a vehicle with no brakes and saying ‘ah well I’ll steer while you sleep’ which is just pushing the inevitable trouble into the future. People needs to be assisted to fully understand themselves (in the analogy, explore the vehicle to find and operate the brakes, no matter how tough and more difficult than helping with steering might be) and build themselves an environment in which they can succeed on their own merits.

Otherwise you risk contributing to a shaky sense of self which increases, not decreases, vulnerability.

Nikephorus · 12/09/2018 13:08

When I matriculated for postgrad on Monday, the induction included a pep talk on how, thanks to Turnitin, the word has moved on from the days of plagiarism to ghost writing. It was impressed on us that the university is down with the kids and well aware of this fact, and therefore a number of students will be selected at random every term to defend their assignment to a panel
So now, because of cheats like Vlad & her sister, students are going to be put through the stress of a viva when they've done nothing wrong? Well done Vlad - saved your sister some stress (and it's not like you have to do your dissertation in the space of a week or two at the end with no warning) but screwed it for the rest!

sanssherif · 12/09/2018 13:26

^this.
I was at a presentation a couple of years ago about academic cheating.
The universities have IT experts who track down the history of a document and how and when it was saved, in whose names. Because the document will not match the name of the student and their windows account.
I think vivas are a good experience and yes students should be having to demonstrate that they own their work.

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