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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bullied?

358 replies

JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:32

Name changed in case the mums are on here, long back story so bare with me.

When my DD was at nursery she was inseparable from another girl. As a result of this I became very good friends with the girls mother. We used to meet each other socially and text each other virtually everyday. As they were approaching reception age I felt that my DD shouldn't be so reliant on this girl so I asked the nursery to change their days so they weren't together. I told the mum it was due to my work so as not to hurt her feelings. My DD then became friends with a girl who was also friends with my friends DD.

The problem came when the girls all started school as my DD then didn't want to play with my friends DD. My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend. My friend then approached me to say her DD had come home from school upset and asked what was going on. I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken.

I then became really good friends with the mum of the mutual friend to the girls. We started going for coffee and meeting at the school gates. My ex friend then started getting upset accusing us of talking about her and to be honest it ruined my DD's first year at school.

They are now in their second year and the mum of the mutual friend decided to move her DD to another school. My ex friend is what I call a PTA mum. She's involved with everything to do with the school and she's all up the other mum's asses, talking to them at the gates etc.

I now find myself stood alone at the gates because I can't join in conversations with the other mum's as she is there. My DD doesn't have many friends and I've tried inviting children back for tea but never get an invite back.

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 11:13

I have never instructed her to do that

When you blame your own child you know you've gone low.

itbemay · 10/09/2018 11:13

you've manipulated your DDs friendship group and its backfired.

Learn from this and stop being so involved. You never told your DD not to be friends with your friends DD, but you did manipulate the situation to make it happen. Can you see how ridiculous this is?

I can't believe you would even think of going to the headteacher about it either. I think you need to get out more OP.

Flyingpigs247 · 10/09/2018 11:13

OK, you may not have verbally told your DD to exclude this little girl, but she may well have picked up on you intentionally separating them.
Changing her days at nursery was a bit extreme.
it sounds like you wanted to ease off your friendship with the child's mother and sadly you transferred this to the children's friendships.
I always try to see this from all perspectives but I think you created the whole situation yourself.
You are experiencing the rejection now of feeling alone, just as the poor child did when you discouraged your daughter from playing with her.

Spacezombies · 10/09/2018 11:14

@JoulesMrs

You're getting a hard time here, so you're obviously going to be defensive and won't be inclined to take on board the comments. But they are not entirely undeserved.

To start with, you handled it wrong. You don't encourage new friendships by excluding current friends. You should have tried having play dates with the other kids from nursery, but you moved days and that actually is OK. It gave your daughter a chance to make new friends... the mistake you made was trying to end the current friendship. Why didn't you encourage her to make new friends at nursery and still play with her old friend outside of nursery? That would have taught her how to make new friends whilst also teaching her how to cherish and nurture the relationships she has once she's got them.

You didn't do that, and then in school you've encouraged her to play with other children and ignore her closest childhood friend... can you explain why you think that was a good idea?

Can you not see that she needs to be able to maintain friendships as well as start new ones? She could have kept her best friend, whilst meeting new people. And you could then invite a new one round to play on one occasion and then her old friend on another occasion... And continue the pattern. Eventually inviting a few at a time. That way, she'd have made new friends, kept them and kept her best friend.

Instead, you've tried to end her friendship and allowed her to actively exclude the other girl without consequences. That is bullying. Look at It from the other side. That other girl had a best friend, who suddenly disappeared... won't play with her anymore. Then in school when she tries to play, your daughter tells her she isn't allowed even though the other girl was a friend to both. So she lost your daughter as a friend, and your daughter was trying to keep her away from another friend she had. Do you see how cruel that Is?

You've made huge mistakes with how you handled this. You need to seriously speak with your daughter about bullying and excluding... what she did is not ok. Your daughter needs to learn that now and needs to apologise for it.

You need to apologise to the other mum. Tell her what you've said here. Tell her you wanted your daughter to open up to other people but admit you made a huge mistake by trying to end her friendship to make that happen.

But atop acting like the victim. You will not fix this if you cannot understand what you've done wrong. And your daughter will grow into a bully if you don't teach her that what she did was wrong.

Billben · 10/09/2018 11:14

my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend.

So your DD is turning into you. Congratulations.
Stop accusing people of bullying. You are not being bullied, you are just getting your well deserved comeuppance. But since you’ve had the cheek to unashamedly post about this, I don’t think you’ll get the message of just how AIBU you are. Hopefully the headteacher will tell you to grow up and stop wasting his time with such silly nonsense.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/09/2018 11:15

So when the little girl was upset because her old friend wouldn't play with her at school what did you say to your child?

Did you explain that it wasn't kind to leave her out? Did you bollocks.

And you wonder why nobody wants anything to do with either of you.

theunsure · 10/09/2018 11:16

You reap what you sow!

AssassinatedBeauty · 10/09/2018 11:16

Why didn't you just dial back the play dates a bit, and arrange play dates with other children? To change your day at nursery and therefore have to change the day you work seems a huge overreaction. You could also have spoken to the nursery about this and could have asked them to work on widening her friendship group.

Agentornika · 10/09/2018 11:17

I feel sorry for your daughter in all this, she's going to end up friendless because her mum is a dick. Keep your nose out in future, let her make her own friends and stay out of it

RedPencil · 10/09/2018 11:17

I don't understand why you switched them round in the first place. Surely when they start school they get other friends, and what you tried to force would have happened anyway.

I think this is pretty much your own doing, OP.

HoppingPavlova · 10/09/2018 11:18

I just don’t understand what you think the Head could do? Make the other mums ‘play with you’. Make the other mums issue play date invites to your child. That’s outside their scope, they can’t force anyone to do this.

The whole situation is of your making. It has backfired on you. I think the only way forward is to have a look at yourself, address what needs addressing, have a look at your child and address what needs addressing (where she gets these ideas about exclusion from etc), model kindness, enforce it in your child and move schools. That’s the only thing I can see working.

MissClareRemembers · 10/09/2018 11:18

JoulesMrs it doesn’t matter that your DD wasn’t nasty (and you have no idea if this was the case) when she told the friend she couldn’t play. SHE STILL EXCLUDED HER! You sound flaky and are way too over-invested in this friendship. If school had an issue they would separate them in class. I think you’ve learnt a lesson here!

This reminds me of people who share anti-bullying gubbins on Facebook and then behave in a manipulative, cliquey way at the school gates. And never call their child out for being mean to other kids.

Original poster
JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 11:18

Can I just say the mum of the mutual friend also really disliked the ex friend and how she behaved.

I realise it was wrong to lie to her. However I think too much water has gone under the bridge to get that friendship back on track

OP posts:
Sallycinnamum · 10/09/2018 11:19

Think for one minute how bloody upset that little girl and her mum must have been when you effectively decided your DD wasn't to play with her anymore.

I'm not in the least bit surprised you're ignored at the school gates. As someone upthread said, karma is indeed a bitch.

Nothisispatrick · 10/09/2018 11:19

You sound very much like the bully here. I am glad the other mum has been able to make new friends and get away from you. Unfortunately it sounds very much like your DD is copying you! How nasty to tell the other little girl she can’t play with them, that stuff is heartbreaking for reception aged children.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 11:21

Can you not see that she needs to be able to maintain friendships as well as start new ones?

I genuinely think some people can't. As a pp said. It's one friend at a time. Or they take a dislike to someone and decide to exclude them like the op did to this mum.

I feel very sorry for the children here. From what the ops daughter has been taught how to behavve to the little girl who was friends with her and the other child being told repeatedly she couldn't play with either of them. I'm sure the third little girls mother has an insight there. It's the kids that are being damaged due to the ops behaviour.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/09/2018 11:21

Can I just say the mum of the mutual friend also really disliked the ex friend and how she behaved

Right so we're getting somewhere. So it was the mum you disliked.

Why?

Spacezombies · 10/09/2018 11:21

@JoulesMrs

But what are you going to do about your daughters behaviour? I would be disappointed in my child if they did what your daughter did.

Are you going to teach her how to treat other people? That excluding is bullying. That keeping someone away from a friend is bullying. Or are you going to continue acting like you're all great and the other little girl is the problem?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/09/2018 11:22

It comes to something when a grown adult thinks that a headteacher should intervene to help with something that she was happy enough for a 5 year old to cope with.

Ok so OP you don’t think you can apologise to the friend’s mum. What’s your plan then?

Lalliella · 10/09/2018 11:22

What did the ex friend do that was so wrong that the mutual friend didn’t like. Accuse you of talking about her? But you were talking about her.

It is an insult to actual victims of bullying for you to say that you are being bullied.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 11:23

Can I just say the mum of the mutual friend also really disliked the ex friend and how she behaved

So you were both bitching about her. She was right.

itswinetime · 10/09/2018 11:23

Ok I'll bite in the off chance this isn't a reverse

Just because you never told your dd to exclude her dd doesn't mean you didn't exclude her. You separated her and your dd for reasons only you seem to know. You allowed your dd to exclude her from playing, I wonder if other children were excluded too? You never seemed to worry about dd being to close to this one new friend.

The way you talk about you ex friends dd is nasty she's a child at school being excluded by someone who used to be a friend that's not a tantrum!

You are only looking at it from your point of viewreverse thread warning 101 she ruined your dds year. I'm sure her dd had a great time being left ou!

Stop all these petty accusations. Focus on what you can do going forward. Continue to facilitate play dates at yours. Have an honest look at how you dd plays and interacts does she have a tendency to maybe be to focused on one friend excluding others? If you genuinely want to change things up then you need some self reflection.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 11:23

Can I just say the mum of the mutual friend also really disliked the ex friend and how she behaved.

This all sounds far too catty and childish. You still have't explained why you suddenly wanted to end your friendship with this mum and your DDs' friendship with each other. What has she actually done wrong?

Agentornika · 10/09/2018 11:23

Again OP, the only person to blame here is you, hopefully you'll have second thoughts next time

SoupDragon · 10/09/2018 11:23

Can I just say the mum of the mutual friend also really disliked the ex friend and how she behaved

Does she know how you behaved?

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